“Yeah, but-”
“You looked at Natalie when she was dying and you felt helpless, right? You saw her fading away and felt like you couldn’t stop it, that’s what hurts more than anything, am I right? Feeling…helpless?”
Kate looked at her, surprised by her choice of words, wondering where she was going with this. Danny frowned and nodded.
“That’s right, yeah.”
“That’s how I feel right now looking at you. Fading away and nothing I can do. So I guess…I should be in here too, huh? I mean, maybe you wouldn’t have taken him on, if your dad hadn’t instilled that sort of aggressive streak in you. And that wouldn’t have happened if I had put my foot down when he started you boxing. So, I’m responsible too. Maybe I didn’t offer the two of you enough support, maybe we all have a cross to bear…”
“Ma…”
She shrugged him off, composing herself and shook her head.
“No, Danny. Enough is enough, you need to let go. It’s out there, you’ve told us, and we still don’t think no different of you. Except, I dunno about Kate, but I’m in awe that you’ve made it this far, carrying all that on your conscience.”
Kate nodded her agreement. Still completely unable to actually say any words, her mouth just hung open as she struggled to process it all, and to cope with the mess that was the remains of Danny Edwards, sitting sobbing in front of her.
She thought of the man she had met seven months previously – cocky, arrogant and confident, cheeky and defiant, and felt her heart sink as it dawned on her what she had done to him.
“I feel so much,” he frowned, as though searching for the right word, “pain Ma. It hurts somewhere deep inside and it’s crippling…”
“Of course it is, because you never dealt with it. You bundled all your emotions, all your grief, and rolled it into a ball and tucked it away here…” she put a hand on his chest, by his heart, “it’s time to let go, darling. It’s time to grieve, and then let it go.” The bell rang out in the corridor and she frowned. “What’s that?”
He stood up, again drying his eyes on his sleeve. “That’s five minutes.”
“We only get an hour?”
“Yeah.”
“Well that stinks.” She smiled. “Okay, well…listen up. I’m your mother, I love you so very much and I’m coming back to visit you. Don’t even think about trying to stop me, you hear?”
He smiled a little, beginning to calm down and nodded, but not before a moment of hesitation. “Okay…” he looked down at his hands and let out a deep sigh. “I have missed you, Ma. I wish you didn’t have to go now.”
With those words, spoken with total sincerity, he was no longer a forty three year old man sitting in front of her, but the sensitive, vulnerable boy he had once been, needing her comfort and reassurance.
She nodded and sighed. “I know. I wish I didn’t have to leave you here. You’ll be alright?”
“Yeah, I will. Nothing I can do but just get on with it, nothing anyone can do anyway.”
Robyn let out a deep sigh. “Where’s my Danny, huh? Where’s my bright, brilliant, cheeky handsome son gone?”
“He’s dead, Ma. He don’t exist no more…”
“No, I don’t believe that. From what Kate’s told me…there’s still plenty of fire left in there.” She met his gaze with hers, filled with resolve and determination, “you’ll get through this, and one day you’ll be happy again. I know it. And you deserve to be. I can see your future plain as day; see where it’s going, even though you can’t yet. I know…that my crazy, wonderful gorgeous Danny is still in there…”
He rolled his eyes and Kate was sure she saw him blush as he smiled. “Ma…you’re embarrassing me…”
She laughed through her tears and shrugged. “So what are mums for, huh? Thank you for letting me come see you. I can’t believe how handsome you are. And how…big, how did you get so big?”
“There aint much to do here, but they do have a gym.” He turned to Kate and smiled feebly. “Still think I’m a good guy?”
Kate smiled through her tears and nodded. “I do as it goes. Stubborn, frustrating and you need to work on your self-loathing, your social skills, and your refusal to just…take my word for something, but that’s all.”
He smirked. “That’s me told…”
“Same time next fortnight?”
He smiled a little brighter, “Yeah alright then. Aint she a diamond, Ma? Rare, precious.”
Robyn smiled again and nodded. “She is. A blessing.”
“Mmm, well…look after my Ma, Kate Marshall, yeah?”
“I will.”
The guard came in and he sighed. “Well…bye for now. See you both soon, hope it goes fast.”
“See you soon, son. I’ll be back, you hear? Always thinking of you, and I love you, right?”
He nodded. “I love you too.” He waved and was gone.
Robyn stood staring at the spot he had been standing in, and then turned to Kate. She opened her mouth to speak, but instead burst into tears. Kate held her for a while and then they left, spending the rest of the day at Robyn’s flat, getting through some sixty cigarettes and two bottles of wine between them.
* * * *
The guard who took him back walked silently with him, not even bothering to ask if he was okay, despite the tears drying on his cheeks. Inside his cell he stood with his feet slightly apart, arms outstretched while he was searched and then he was alone again, the door closed and locked.
He stood for a moment, shell-shocked, and suddenly feeling very alone, as though he were the last person left in the world.
* * * *
That night Danny dreamt of Natalie and Emma, and the three of them on Brighton beach, laughing and playing in the sun, something they had never had the chance to do.
When he woke the next morning, his pillow was soaked with a river of tears.
Chapter Ten
Natalie Dean had known pretty much from the first time she’d laid her eyes on Danny Edwards, that he was the one for her, but a string of miserable relationships, with men who appeared to be the one, had left her damaged and cynical. This time she wanted to be sure. If he liked her as much as he said he did, he would play the game. And that’s exactly what he did.
She got a kick out of having some degree of control over men, liked to be a tease, and was very good at giving them just a taste of Natalie – enough to ensure they’d come back for more. That had been what had made her so successful in her job, and had given her a very attractive income for the past six years or so. It was also her downfall.
Her confidence was boundless it seemed, but was largely false. Deep, deep down, it hid a multitude of fears, and Danny exposed them all like a sore scab. There was no denying – not even to herself – how she felt about him, but she tried anyway, until resistance was useless.
It had been the clothes thing that had made her think he might be worth the risk. Him asking her to dance in her ordinary clothes had moved her far more than she had let on to him, it showed he was seeing her, not just the body of a stripper.
She flirted with him mercilessly, until the poor guy was practically following her around on his hands and knees, and for once it was pleasurable. He took the bait willingly, happily playing along, enjoying the chase as much as she enjoyed being chased. She had to admire his perseverance, and total confidence, that sooner or later, he would be successful.
It had taken more courage than she would ever be able to admit to finally tell him he could take her out if he wanted to – a large part of her was terrified of the strength of her feelings for him
(and after a couple of weeks!)
And the voice in her head that liked to put her down, the voice of the real, insecure Natalie, that most of the time she kept safely buried, kept saying over and over,
(you’ve left it too late, you daft cow! He’s gonna turn you down in front of all those people, call you a tease and a slapper, you’re making a fool of yourself, you don’t des
erve a man like Danny!)
But of course, he hadn’t turned her down; he had jumped at the invitation, and had put so much effort into it she was almost moved to tears. She had almost deliberately sabotaged it before it even began, picking a fight in the car, but he was having none of it, had fought back and seen right through it.
The first date, the restaurant, had thrown her completely off guard, exposing her vulnerabilities, and she felt so out of place it was almost humiliating. She had worried at first that he was maybe expecting something from her she was not, but soon realised he was simply trying to impress her.
Their second date had been much better, and against her usual way of doing things, she had taken him to her bed.
From there on in she was as hooked as he was, and there was nothing to be done about it. She allowed herself to let go completely, and fall head over heels in love with him. The feelings she had whenever he was around were like a dream come true. For the first time in what had essentially been a troubled and lonely life, she felt safe, secure and loved.
In no time at all, he had asked her to move in with him, and she had accepted without hesitation.
Danny Edwards was her dream man – was probably most girls’ dream man she suspected. He was tall, packed full of muscles, tough but capable of such incredible gentleness, with dark hair and gorgeous piercing blue eyes, with thick black eyelashes, that were even more prominent against his dark skin. He was one of a dying breed of gentlemen, very keen to be there for her, and walk over hot coals for her, if that was what she wanted.
Most importantly, he was brimming with confidence, and allowed her for the most part to be herself, not feeling – or at least hiding – any jealously he may have been harbouring about her job.
For a while, everything had been perfect, until Danny started to show a jealous streak that frightened her – it was a little too close to how her father had been with her, telling her she was dressing like a tart and asking for trouble. Of course, the result there had been quite horrendous; causing her to leave home in the middle of the night aged fourteen, never to return, and had led her to the life she had now, taking her clothes off for strangers.
The way Danny began to speak to her scared her, but also made her more defiant and determined to dress how she wanted, and to hell with the consequences. As it turned out, Danny had been right, his predictions becoming a horrible reality on the night that ruined everything.
* * * *
30TH MARCH 1989
She had slapped him and he had hit her back, now she was in the taxi with Lauren, fuming but also terrified about what it meant.
It had been the first time he had ever raised a hand to her, an all-time low in their relationship, and now she feared it wouldn’t be the last.
He had told her if she went out dressed as she was, she was asking for trouble, and had made her feel so small she was now crying.
Lauren put her arm over her shoulders, and smiled sympathetically. “Are you okay, hun?”
She managed a smile and nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine. Loz…do I look like a tart?”
“No, babe. You look fabulous, that’s what bothers him. That you’ll go out and find someone who treats you proper.”
“You don’t much like Danny, do you?”
Lauren thought about that and shrugged. “Well…up ‘til now, I hadn’t made up my mind. But after tonight, seeing him clump you one…no, I don’t like him. You can’t let him get away with it, Nat, or he’ll do it again.”
“Yeah, I know.” She dried her eyes. “Anyway, forget him, he don’t matter right now. We’re gonna have a ball tonight.”
And that was exactly what she did. By eleven o’clock, the fight with Danny was a distant memory, nicely erased by eight neat whiskeys and a line of coke in the ladies toilets.
* * * *
Lauren left her at just turned one in the morning, after she spent some time assuring her she would be fine to get home on her own. Lauren, knowing how good Natalie was at looking after herself, left her to it.
At half one, Natalie realised her purse had vanished, either lost or stolen in the haze of the evening.
With no money left for drinks or a taxi home, she set about walking.
* * * *
She hadn’t initially been concerned to find herself in the middle of the park, face to face with Johnny Lewis. She had known him for years; he was a regular at the club, seemed like a nice enough guy and had spent a small fortune on her there over the last four years or so.
He was smiling and she smiled back. “Alright, Johnny?”
“Hello, Natalie. Night out?”
“Yeah, headed home now though.”
“You look very pretty tonight.”
“Oh, thanks.”
“Can I walk you home?”
She shook her head, feeling a twinge of discomfort, or something like that. She just didn’t quite feel right. “Oh, no ta. I’m fine.”
“If I gave ya some money would you let me?”
She frowned, confused. “Sorry?”
“Well, it just seems you’re a lot nicer when I’m sticking money down your top. There’s a word for that, you know.”
She looked at him for a minute, unsure what he was getting at, feeling panic set in. “Which is?”
“Tease.” He said, matter-of-factly.
“I’m going home.” She said, beginning to walk again. He moved and stood in front of her, blocking her path.
“Right, yeah. Back to your boxer fella, um…Danny, aint it? The man who cares about you so much he lets you walk the streets dressed like that.”
“I dress how I wanna dress, regardless of what Danny or anyone else thinks.”
“Right, right. See, that’s what I like about you, Natalie. Confidence. You do what you like, and by God, you’d do anything for money.”
“That aint true, I dance that’s all.”
“Does Danny have to pay? Now he’s your boyfriend? Only that don’t seem fair to me, cause I’ve been your biggest fan for the best part of four years, and I’m still paying big bucks for your attention.”
“No one forces you, Jonny.”
He thought about and nodded, conceding. “True, but you don’t discourage it, neither. I think you secretly love it, leading men on, driving them nuts and then just turning your back on them. It aint fair, Natalie. I like ya, but this needs saying. Girls like you…need taking down a peg or two. You’ll thank me in the end.”
“Get out of my way, Johnny.” She said defiantly, but her voice was beginning to wobble.
“Nah, I don’t think so.”
She moved to go past him, but he grabbed her wrist, with a grip that was painfully tight. “You’re hurting me!”
“Then don’t struggle.” He said, as though the solution were that simple.
Now she was very afraid, and all she could think about was Danny, her gorgeous, safe, wonderful Danny, sitting at home, probably watching TV, maybe still angry with her, and she burst into tears. Johnny put a hand on her cheek, wiping her tears away.
“No, don’t cry. It’s gonna be okay, you just need a little lesson, that’s all.”
“If you don’t let go…I’ll scream!”
He punched her, hard, right in the face and she felt to the ground. She opened her mouth to let out a yell of pain and surprise and he kicked her in the chest, taking the air from her.
For a moment he only stood over her, his hand over his mouth as though even he couldn’t believe what he’d just done.
He knelt beside her. “I didn’t wanna do that, Natalie. You left me no choice. You don’t make another sound, do you understand? If you do, I’ll kill you, got it? I will kill you.” She nodded; suddenly in no doubt he meant it, terrified as to what was coming next. “Lie flat Natalie and keep your hands above your head.”
She did as he asked, but couldn’t resist one last chance to try to reason with him.
“Please don’t do this, Johnny. Please…you can still walk away, I won’t say nothin
g.”
“I know you won’t.” he smiled. “It’s for your own good, Natalie. You owe me; all I’m doing is collecting.”
He climbed on top of her, forcing her legs apart and she watched in horror as he undid his trousers.
She closed her eyes and the rest was a hideous, painful blur.
* * * *
When he had finished he stood up and did his trousers up with a happy, satisfied sigh. Natalie lay on the grass, too afraid to move or speak.
He let out another deep sigh. “Good girl. Now go home and tell no one about this, you understand? You’ll have to make something up to your precious Danny. You see me in the club, smile and say hello like before. You do anything else; I’ll hunt you down and knife you. This never happened; do we understand each other, Natalie? No one would believe a girl like you anyway.” She nodded, pulling her skirt down. “Say the words, Natalie.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I got it.”
“Good. You were good, by the way. A little…bland, but good.”
She watched him walk away and it was nearly an hour before she could find the strength inside her to make her own way home.
* * * *
She spent the walk home trying to figure out what she was going to say to Danny. She could only imagine she looked terrible, there could be no denying something had happened, and he would want to know what.
She debated telling him the truth, but quickly dismissed that idea – he had been the one that had told her if she went out like that she was asking for trouble, and those words were ringing in her ears now, along with four others – I told you so. She had only worn this skirt anyway to wind Danny up. Most of her skirts were short, but this one was positively obscene. She usually only wore it for work, but she had been trying to make a point, namely, that she was her own woman, and could do as she pleased. That she wanted him, but didn’t need him.
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