Guilty

by Heidi J Thomas

  Now she was kicking herself and had discovered in the worst possible way that she did indeed need him, and she felt like a fool.

  * * * *

  She felt the tears coming the moment she walked through the door, and seeing him propelled those tears right to the surface.

  He ran to her, hugging her and making a huge fuss of her like she had known he would, and had been so sweet her guilt was elevated ten-fold.

  She vaguely heard herself making up some crap about a fight with a girl, and that was it, he felt sorry for her, even though she didn’t deserve it, and there was no back-tracking from it.

  * * * *

  It was the middle of June before she plucked up the courage to tell Danny she was pregnant, and after weeks of agonising over it, in the end the words just slipped out. By then, she’d had to say something, she was beginning to show and even she knew she had been acting strangely.

  She had decided, after much soul searching and sleepless nights, to tell him the whole truth. But then, he had just assumed the baby was his, and she found herself not setting him straight. He had been over the moon, wide-eyed with wonder and excitement.

  Just as she had thought he couldn’t surprise her more, he had proposed and she accepted without hesitation. After all, when all was said and done, she loved him and wanted to be his wife forever.

  She spent the rest of the pregnancy trying to tell herself everything was going to be alright, while having nightmares about the rape and about giving birth to a baby that looked exactly like Johnny Lewis, about Danny finding out she was a liar and packing his bags, and a whole string of other worries her paranoid mind could think up.

  When Emma was born, Danny had run up and down the hospital corridors, squealing in delight. He’d been so happy she was moved to tears.

  When he went home that night, she lay in the hospital looking at Emma, desperately wanting to love her. No doubt about it, she was a beautiful baby, but love was a while coming.

  She began to realise quickly that life had changed forever now. She couldn’t be a stripper anymore, and thanks to Mr Lewis that had lost its sparkle anyway, she had lost her freedom, and to top it all off, Johnny came back on the scene, hanging around like nothing had happened, forcing her to do the same.

  * * * *

  14TH FEBRUARY 1990

  She knew instantly, the moment the knife went in, that she was done for, and her only thoughts were for Emma, still asleep in the bedroom, and Danny, who was in the kitchen with Johnny, potentially getting himself into serious trouble.

  She put a hand to her chest, and felt a gaping hole where there should be no hole, and then the pain came. She screamed Danny’s name and he ran to her, lying with her and stroking her head.

  She looked up at him, her mouth hanging open and saw he was plastered with blood.

  “Is he dead?” she croaked, and to her horror he nodded.

  “Yeah, he’s dead.”

  “Get Emma,” she said desperately, “get Emma and leave, you can’t stay here, the cops’ll lift ya, Danny!”

  He shook his head firmly, crying. “I aint gonna leave ya, sweetheart!”

  She smiled and shook her head. “Danny, I’m a goner babe.”

  “No…no, you aint, cause I wouldn’t let that happen, you hear?”

  She put a hand on his cheek wiping away his tears and inadvertently smearing his face with her blood. “Danny, you can’t always protect me, you know that. But you have to protect Emma, get her out of here.”

  “I reckon I can hear sirens, reckon someone’s called the cops and an ambulance and that. See? You’re gonna be fine.”

  “No, Danny. I’m sorry, babe.”

  “No, I’m sorry. This is all my fault. I didn’t look after ya, I let ya down!”

  ‘The roast…”

  “Huh?”

  “The roast…it’s still…in the oven. It’ll be…burnt to ash.”

  He laughed a little too hysterically. “So what’s new, eh?”

  “Oi, cheeky!” she took a deep breath, finding it was getting harder to breathe, like drowning on the inside. “Those roses you had…were they for me?”

  He nodded and began to sob again. “Yeah…for Valentine’s Day.”

  “Put ‘em on my grave. I love roses. I always loved ya, you know Danny. You and Emma…you were my life. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, Danny boy. I love you so, so much. You’re more wonderful than you could ever realise, and don’t you forget it. Mrs Right is still out there for ya. I don’t think it was me. Thank you for loving me though, faults and all. For making me…complete. I’m gonna miss ya.”

  “I love you too, Nat.” he said, sobbing, understanding she was saying goodbye, although he still believed it would not come to that.

  “What did I tell ya? Strippers make shit girlfriends…too much…trouble.”

  * * * *

  She was rapidly losing consciousness, and it was getting harder to see as she was detached from her surroundings.

  She was vaguely aware of the police presence and the paramedics, and Danny screaming and crying, along with Emma in the bedroom.

  And then Danny was away from her and she was on a stretcher. He leaned in and kissed her tenderly and then she was being moved.

  She didn’t feel afraid at all, until she was in the ambulance, and realised for the first time that Danny was not with her. She shouted his name, over and over again, but he didn’t reply.

  The police were asking her questions, but she couldn’t hear them, she only shouted Danny, fruitlessly, over and over again.

  What they were asking her was who had stabbed her.

  * * * *

  She died as Danny had feared, alone and frightened – not for herself, but for him, and their daughter.

  She fought to her last breath, stayed conscious far longer than the doctors had expected, and survived three hours of surgery, only to die in the early hours of the following morning, in intensive care.

  Her last conscious thought was of Danny, smiling at her with his gorgeous, infectious smile, looking at her with his beautiful big blue eyes while she danced for him, in her jogging bottoms and tee shirt.

  Chapter Eleven

  6TH FEBRUARY 2008

  The phone rang the following evening and Kate leaned over to answer it disinterestedly.

  “Hello?”

  “Oh, hello is that Mrs Kate Marshall?”

  (Oh my God, something’s happened to Holly or Danny)

  She sat up suddenly and switched the TV off. “Speaking…”

  “Hi, my name’s Julia Simons, I’m a nurse at St Catherine’s. We’ve got a patient here by the name of Robyn Edwards who’s asked us to contact you.”

  “Oh…is she alright?”

  “Not really. She collapsed climbing the stairs where she lives, and has been having breathing difficulties, what with the emphysema and the cancer.”

  Kate froze. “Wait - the what?”

  “Oh, gosh…I’m so sorry, I assumed you knew.”

  She felt her heart sink. “Robyn has cancer?”

  “Yes, I’m so sorry. It’s lung cancer and quite advanced. I really shouldn’t have said anything.”

  “No, it’s okay. I’m glad I know. I won’t say anything to her, not if she don’t want me to know.”

  “Well, she’d really like to see you.”

  “‘Of course, I’m on my way.”

  “Thank you.”

  Kate hung up the phone, and sat sadly for a moment thinking about Robyn, thanking God Holly was staying out tonight. She was very afraid for Robyn, and also afraid of what it would do to Danny.

  * * * *

  When she got to the hospital, Robyn was sitting up in bed, but Kate thought she looked dreadful. She had gone a horrible grey colour, and she breathed heavily behind an oxygen mask.

  She saw Kate coming, smiled and waved. Kate forced a smile and went in.

  “Hello, Kate. Ta for coming.”

  “That’s okay, Robyn. How are
you feeling?”

  “Okay…could murder a ciggie, but these evil sods won’t let me smoke. I told ‘em, I said…no point worrying about my health now, it’s too late,” she sighed, “I’ve got cancer, Kate.”

  “Yeah, I know. The nurse let slip.”

  “Oh…oh well, save me the job.”

  “I’m so sorry, Robyn.”

  Robyn shrugged her off dismissively. “Don’t be, it’s not like I’m a young ‘un, is it?”

  “‘Does Danny know?”

  “No, I didn’t see the point in hurting him. They offered to call the prison but I said no, to call you. If they didn’t let him out to see me, he’d be devastated, and his life is hard enough in there without this. I was worried if I added to that it’d finish him off. Only now I don’t need to worry so much about Danny, because he has you, and I know you’ll look after him.”

  Kate smiled and nodded. “I’ll do my best.”

  Robyn seemed to hesitate, as if she wanted to say something but wasn’t sure if she should, and sighed again, apparently making her decision.

  “Tell me something, Kate. And be honest with me. You like Danny, don’t you?”

  “Yeah, he’s a good man, and a good friend.”

  “No, no. I mean you like him. Fancy him.”

  Kate smiled feebly. “Actually, it’s a little more serious than that. I reckon I might have done something rather stupid. I think - I know - I’m in love with him.”

  That seemed to delight Robyn, and she grinned. “I knew it!”

  Kate shrugged uncomfortably. “Course I do. He’s intelligent, I mean he’s so damn smart, and he…brings me to life with his quick come backs and sarcasm, and the banter between us. He makes me smile, and he has this…sweet side, that only certain people ever get to see, but I have, I’ve seen it. Plus of course he’s-”

  “Gorgeous?”

  Kate blushed and nodded. “Yeah, he is. So gorgeous, it hurts.”

  Robyn grinned again. “That’s my genes. I’m so happy! Now I know for sure he’ll be fine.”

  “Nothing’s gonna come of it.”

  “Why not..?” Robyn asked, frowning.

  “Because, he’s still in love with his wife, he doesn’t look at me like that.”

  At that Robyn laughed a little and shook her head. “Ah Kate, bless you - I’ve seen the way he looks at you, love. The way you look at each other. He might be trying to hide it, or resist it, but…he’s fallen for you.”

  Kate blushed. “I really, really don’t think so.”

  “We’ll see. Or rather you will. A mother’s instinct is never wrong. There’s more to come for you two. Anyway…Natalie’s gone. She isn’t coming back. I don’t want him to be alone, Kate. When he gets out – which I am certain will be soon – he’s gonna need someone. Not just to keep an eye on him, but…to look after him. Care for him, care about him. I’m asking you to look after my son, Kate, because he won’t find it easy, he’ll struggle. He cannot stay in the past; he needs someone to offer him a future. Kate…come the morning I won’t be here no more. And it’s okay, I’m ready. I needed to know my son had a chance to be happy, and now I know that, I’m ready. I need you to tell him from me, that his release from prison means drawing a line and moving on. He’s still young enough for a fresh start, but not while he’s hanging on to stuff. If he can’t do that, he might as well stay in there, and I don’t think he can take much more of that place. I know I hadn’t seen him for years, but I could still see right into his heart and soul. He’s lonely and miserable, he weren’t built to be alone – he needs to love – and to be loved. Will you do it, will you help him?”

  “Robyn…I’ll do everything I can. And be everything to him he lets me be. How’s that?”

  “Good enough. He’d be a great dad to Holly, you know. He would, given the chance, be a great father figure. You and Holly could offer him the family he’s always wanted, craved.” She took Kate’s hand in her own and squeezed it. “Is Holly expecting you home?”

  “No, she’s out tonight, ‘til tomorrow afternoon. So I can stay as long as you need me to.”

  “Good, I’m glad you’re here. You’re like a daughter to me, such a decent person.”

  “Mmm…” Kate hesitated, her heart racing. “Listen, Robyn…there’s something I need to tell you, and it’s very important.”

  “Okay, go ahead. I’m listening.”

  “It’s…it’s big, so prepare yourself.”

  * * * *

  Danny was back in the gym, running on the treadmill, his eyes closed as usual, trying to imagine himself somewhere other than a cold grey hall, with peeling paint and a bad smell.

  He had spent most of the last two days here, physically wearing himself out in the hopes of sleeping better at night. Exercise was a form of therapy for him, an escape, and a means of offloading was exactly what he needed, now more than ever.

  So he ran, faster and faster, until his heart thumped furiously in protest, and he was gasping for air, sweating profusely.

  “Danny…”

  He opened his eyes to find Mr Marriott standing beside him, a smile on his face that was more of a grimace.

  Danny nodded respectfully. “Sir,”

  “I need to talk to you. The yard’s empty, go for a walk?”

  He nodded, confused by his expression. “Uh…okay.”

  “Follow me.”

  He did, out into the corridor and waited while he unlocked the door and locked it again behind them. He opened another door, and they stepped outside into the brisk February sunshine, beginning to walk aimlessly.

  “You uh…you were really going for it in there, everything okay?”

  “Yeah…yeah I’m alright sir.”

  “Okay. Look…I had a call, from your friend Mrs Marshall.”

  Danny stopped, concerned. “Kate?”

  “Yes, she was just back from…from the hospital.”

  “What?” Danny felt his stomach flip. “Is she alright?”

  “Yes…listen Danny, I really wish it didn’t have to be me telling you this, but someone has to, and I knew none of the other staff would be as…well, compassionate. But me and you, I think we have a mutual respect, right?”

  “Right. What’s going on, sir? Is it bad news?”

  “Yes, I’m sorry. Your mum collapsed last night, and was taken to hospital. Kate stayed with her all night and in the early hours of this morning she…passed away.”

  Danny felt the air escape from him with the force of those words, and he gasped, immediately falling to his knees on the harsh concrete gravel yard.

  Mr Marriott knelt in front of him, concerned and put a hand on his arm. “Danny? Shall I call for a doctor?”

  He managed to shake his head as he fought for, and found, a breath to take deep in his lungs. He shook his head again, frowning in confusion. “She can’t be. She was here, like two days ago!”

  “I know…”

  “She looked ill, but she was…she was alright. What happened?”

  “She had emphysema as you know, and it had progressed to lung cancer. No one knew, Kate tells me. She had made the choice not to tell anyone…”

  “Why didn’t I know she had collapsed? I would have gone to see her, I…” he frowned. “Was I not told because I weren’t allowed to see her?”

  “No, no…she didn’t want you to know. She thought it would be too much for you. She called Kate but asked them not to call here.”

  “She was still mad at me…” he mumbled, “I turned my back on her for…years…and so she didn’t want me there.”

  Mr Marriott frowned. “Come on, Danny. Does that sound like something your mum would do?”

  He hesitated and shook his head. “No, I suppose not. So Kate was there?”

  “She was, the whole time. She said when she passed…it was peaceful. I’m very sorry.”

  Danny nodded and swallowed a lump of grief. “Yeah…”

  “Can you stand?”

  He nodded and struggled to his feet, hi
s legs like jelly. “I can’t believe it. I got no one now, I got…nothing…”

  “You have Kate. She’s asked if you’ll call her, I’ll arrange a phone card for you for later. We need to go back inside. You wanna go to the chapel, speak to someone?”

  Danny smiled thinly. “No…I wanna go back to my cell now, can I go back to my cell?”

  “Of course…”

  * * * *

  EDWARDS, ROBYN

  Died peacefully in hospital on Thursday 7th February 2009

  I only knew you for a short while but we became dear friends

  and I shall miss you immensely

  a real lady, R.I.P, From Kate xxx

  EDWARDS, ROBYN

  A loyal and supportive ma always loved and missed

  Thank you for loving me

  I will never forget you

  I love you ‘as always’

  Love, Danny xxx

  * * * *

  12TH FEBRUARY 2008

  Dear Danny,

  Here’s the obituaries you asked me to send you, I wrote yours as requested and hope it is what you wanted it to be.

  I was very happy to hear that they’re letting you out for the funeral, even if you do have to go straight back. I know it’d mean a lot to your mum that you’re there. This time, no one will stop you grieving Danny.

  We didn’t get chance to talk much on the phone, but I’ll visit you as planned on the 19th and we’ll talk more then. Also at your request I have sent a black suit in for you, I hope it’s okay and it fits.

  Danny, I’m so sorry for your loss, and that you didn’t get to say goodbye to her in person. I don’t know if it will help you, but I want you to know I was with her the whole time, I never left her side. Her last thoughts in this world were of you, she loved you more than words can say. There were a few things she asked me to say, but they are too precious to put in a letter, so I‘ll save it for the next visit.

  I’ll see you at the funeral, and remember that even if it feels like it, you are not alone.

  I am here for you, and always thinking of you.

  Stay strong, and don’t despair,

  Lots of love,