He looked down at his hands, and shook his head. “No, nothing. It’s just…hard to imagine sitting with her, doing something as mundane as setting up a phone, something so normal, when I never even thought I’d ever see her again. It’s really starting to sink in now. There’s been no full on realisation, no feelings like that. It’s more like…it comes in waves, I keep having moments like that, and it don’t feel real. I’m a bag of nerves, Kate. I don’t know what to expect, not just from people and stuff, but from me too. I don’t know how I’m gonna feel about stuff, or if I can remember how to be in social situations, or even if I can hold a normal conversation, you know? The last time I was free I was a young lad, now I’m older it aint the same. It’s so weird to feel like you’ve been frozen in time, but everything around you hasn’t. There was a TV inside, it was crap, with a terrible picture, but it was there to be watched, and there was access to newspapers and whatnot, but I just never bothered, couldn’t see the point in showing interest in a world I didn’t think I’d ever be a part of again. So, how am I gonna engage in normal conversations, when I don’t know anything about anything?”
“You’re an intelligent man, we’ve had plenty of chats that weren’t just about the past. Remember when Holly had her tattoo and you grounded me, because I was freaking out and you gave me some advice, basically don’t sweat the small stuff. I think…you could turn your hand to any conversation, any situation,” she ignored him rolling his eyes, “you just need to build your confidence up again. Don’t fret too much about it, you’ll never feel uncomfortable on my watch. We’ll just…take our time. Are you excited though? About starting fresh?”
He nodded. “Absolutely. And very happy.” He thought for a minute. “I noticed…you’re not wearing your wedding ring anymore.”
“Yeah, well…I’m not married no more.” He drank his second glass down, and poured himself another, topping Kate’s up. “Danny Edwards, are you trying to seduce me?”
“Yes, is it working?”
She grinned. “Yes. Where do you wanna go from here, anyway?”
“Um…well, I kinda need some more clothes; all I got is what I’m standing in, and my other two suits. I need some other stuff too. Well, everything really. How are you at shopping?”
She grinned again. “Are you kidding? I love shopping!”
“Okay then…you have free reign, to kit me out as you please, within reason of course.”
She clapped her hands together excitedly. “Yay! So we’ll do a bit of shopping and then go see your new home, yeah?”
“Sounds perfect. So…is Holly back yet?”
“Not yet, she’ll be back tomorrow I think. Haven’t been able to get hold of her on her mobile, she must be in the middle of nowhere, with no signal. They’ll venture back from Scotland when it gets too cold, or the beer runs out. Then you two will finally meet. She can’t wait.”
“Nor can I. Although I have no idea what I’m gonna say. I feel sick thinking about it, terrified. But good fear I guess. So Holly…she’s a bit wild then.”
“Yeah, she’s a livewire. Sometimes she makes me tired just watching her, she has boundless energy. She has a good heart though.”
He smiled. “She sounds a lot like Natalie; she was a lot like that. I struggled to keep up with her sometimes. You know, I remember-” he stopped himself, looked at Kate and sighed. “Sorry, you don’t wanna hear me going on about Natalie. Don’t say it’s okay, it aint…”
Kate shook her head. “I honestly don’t mind. She was your wife, and you loved her.”
“Yeah, I did. But…she aint here no more, I just wanna concentrate on this. I won’t mention her again.”
Kate frowned. “Hey, don’t be silly. She brought Holly into the world, you did eighteen years in prison for defending her, there’s no way I’d expect you to just…forget her, no way I’d ask you to. Chris and me are separated; I don’t love him no more. But you’ll always love Natalie in some way and really, I’m okay with that. She’s too important to just forget. She lives under my roof, in Holly. So don’t be afraid to speak her name, Holly’s gonna wanna know about her and its absolutely fine with me. I’m not the insecure type.”
He smiled, touched. “My God…you’re wonderful, you know that?”
“Yeah, I know.”
The starter arrived, and he rubbed his hands together. “Ooh, excellent. Looks good.”
She laughed. “I can see I’m gonna have to increase my food budget.”
He shook his head, and spoke with a mouthful of bread roll. “Don’t you worry; your new boyfriend has a tonne of money. I’ll look after you – pay my way and spoil you rotten.”
“There’s no need. And aint I a bit old to have a boyfriend?”
“What do you wanna call me? Your partner, your lover, your plaything…?”
“Boyfriend sounds just fine…” she said, blushing and hoping it wasn’t obvious
(lover, holy moly…)
He grinned. “I’m forty-four this year, and I have a girlfriend. Go me; I obviously still have the charm.”
“Obviously. Must be the way you eat, so…dignified.”
He grinned again. “Mmm, sorry. Been a while since I had real decent food. I love to eat.”
“Don’t apologise. There’s no standing on ceremony in our house. And Holly is a terrific cook.”
“Good, good. Talk about landing on my feet huh?”
* * * *
After a couple of hours shopping, Kate drove them home. She pulled up on the drive, and gestured to the house. “Welcome to your new home, Danny.”
He looked up at it, stunned. “Wow, it’s incredible.”
“Well…come on in. I don’t know about you, but I need a cuppa.”
He got out of the car and followed her inside. In the hall, he looked around him and whistled.
The house was he guessed a Victorian build, with high ceilings, and a winding staircase ascending from the huge hallway, tastefully decorated, and with solid wood flooring.
“Kate, this place is beautiful…”
She nodded in agreement, as she hung her jacket on a hook, and dropped her car keys beside the house phone.
“Yeah, it is. The benefit – the only benefit – of being married to Chris, and him walking out. He brought this place outright when Holly was…ooh five or six I think, and when he took off, he signed it over to me, so it’s all mine, this, and a considerable lump sum. Nice, aint it? Three bedrooms, two of those en-suite, huge kitchen, gorgeous lounge, conservatory, gardens…I love it here, hope you will too.” She opened one of the doors and gestured for him to go in. “Well…this is the living room, sit yourself down.”
He did, looking around him at the beautiful living room, trying to take it all in. It was painted cream, with the chimney wall a chocolate brown, cream leather sofas and a traditional old fashioned fireplace, maybe even the original one he thought.
The wall above the fireplace was covered with photographs of Kate and Holly, and he couldn’t believe he was looking at the young woman who he had once held in his arms as a tiny baby.
Her mobile rang, and Kate rolled her eyes. “Sorry, excuse me a minute.” He nodded absently and she looked at the screen, smiled and answered. “Holly! Where are you? Yeah? Oh, that’s fab, can’t wait to see you, darling! Have you had a nice time? Good, yeah. Who’s driving? Are you sober? Like…properly sober? Are you sure? Okay, good. Okay, sweetheart…yeah?”
Danny stood up and went over to the fireplace to get a better look at the pictures, thinking how much Holly looked like Natalie, and that she was so beautiful she made his heart ache. He listened as Kate continued to talk to his daughter.
“Okay, sweetie. I’ll see you then, okay? Drive safe, right? Okay, I love you too, Hol. Bye darling.” She hung up and smiled at Danny. “That was Holly, obviously. She’s driving home.”
“Oh…did she say where she was?”
Kate hesitated. “Okay, don’t freak out, alright?”
“Okay…”
He looked at her, surprised and nodded. “Oh…right. Oh crap…”
“Don’t panic, okay? How do you wanna do this?”
He thought about it, biting his nails anxiously. “I don’t know…wish we’d told her now, she’s gonna walk in, wonder who the hell I am, and I’m gonna lose my voice and stand there like an idiot…oh blimey…”
“Well, look…I’ll show you around the house just quickly, get you settled in, and then we’ll think on it. Don’t stress, it’s gonna be fine, she wants to meet you, can’t wait. It’ll be a wonderful moment, for you both.”
“‘I need to figure out what I’m gonna wear…”
Kate grinned. “Now you sound like me. As if it matters, babe. Come on, follow me.”
She led him by the hand back out into the hall, and up the stairs to the top. “Okay, we have Holly’s room, then my room, the main bathroom and the spare room. I uh…I didn’t know how you wanted to play the sleeping arrangements, so I made up the spare bed, but you can…”
“The spare bed is fine, Kate. Better than fine.”
She smiled; glad the awkward moment had passed. “Well…it’s a king sized bed, so you’ll fit in it just fine, it’s got a nice view of the garden, and its very light and airy, so you shouldn’t feel…I don’t know…boxed in, I don’t ever want you to feel like that again. Hopefully, you’ll be very comfortable. Now…let’s go back downstairs…” again she took his hand, leading him back downstairs and towards the back of the house. “Okay, here’s the kitchen, totally Holly’s domain. I can cook, but Holly does it so much better and loves to cook, so I let her get on with it. Through the back…” she dragged him through the kitchen and opened another door. “…this is our conservatory; at the back is our pool…”
He looked at her, amazed. “Wait, you have a pool?”
“Yeah, great huh? It’s not huge, more like a giant hot tub, but it’s indoor, heated so fab even in the winter. And then of course, there’s the garden…”
They stepped outside and he smiled again. It was a huge garden, with a patio at the top, with a table and chairs and built in barbeque, and a vast lawn, framed with flowers of every colour imaginable, a path made from scattered slabs leading down to a pond at the bottom.
“Kate, this is gorgeous. You do the garden yourself?”
“I do, yeah. I like to do it; it’s a great stress reliever.”
“I’ll give you a hand any time you know. I’m a dab hand with a spade…eighteen years’ experience you know. I’m also a dab hand at cleaning toilets and mopping floors, so consider those my jobs.”
She shook her head. “No way, you’re never doing anything like that again. You’re…a man of leisure. My plaything.”
He grinned. “Ooh…sounds good, can’t wait to hear the job description for that.”
She grinned too. “I’ll bet. So anyway…that’s it. Our palace. Please, consider it your home, you want something to eat, get something to eat, you want a drink, get a drink. I know it’ll take some getting used to, but…that’s how I want it to be.”
Danny took her hands in his, and sighed. “Kate…I don’t know if I’ve actually said this or not, but…thank you. For everything, giving me a home and uh…loving me and that. I know how lucky I am here. I’ll make you glad you invited me into your life, I promise.”
She nodded and kissed his cheek. “I already am. Come on, let’s go and have that coffee, might help you relax before Holly gets here.”
* * * *
An hour later, Kate was busying herself in the kitchen. Danny was out in the garden, wandering around admiring the flowers, occasionally bending down to get a closer look. He seemed deep in thought and apprehensive, so she left him to it, time to himself to get his head around what had already been a momentous day, that was about to get even more momentous.
She heard the front door slam, and almost jumped out of her skin, not realising until then how nervous she was.
“I’m back!” she heard Holly shout. “Mum, where are you?”
She composed herself and shouted back. “In the kitchen!”
Holly came in, grinning and dumped her backpack on the floor. “Mum!” she held her close, and Kate kissed her cheek.
“Welcome home darling, I missed you. Nice time?”
“Yeah, it was cold and wet, but it was still a laugh. Tom fell asleep last night and we rolled him out the tent in his sleeping bag, he woke up this morning at the bottom of the hill with a cow standing over him, it was sooo funny! And the first night we were there, we heard this really weird noise, and we all freaked, and-” she frowned. “Mum? What’s going on, everything okay? You’ve got a really weird look on your face. What’s wrong? Is it Danny?”
“It is Danny, yeah. But nothing’s wrong…he uh…he got his parole.”
Holly’s face brightened. “He did? Well that’s great! So when is he coming home?”
Kate thought about the best way to say it, and simply smiled, gesturing outside into the garden. “He’s right out there, if you wanna meet him.”
Holly looked past her, at Danny who had his back to them and was standing half way down the garden, his hands in his pockets, his head back as if sniffing the air. She looked back at Kate, for once, momentarily stunned into silence.
“That’s him? He’s…he’s here? Well why didn’t you tell me before?”
“He wanted to surprise you. Only now I think he’s regretting that, because he’s a nervous wreck. And I mean almost sick with nerves. But…he can’t wait to meet his daughter. So, what are you waiting for?”
Holly smiled broadly and ran outside, and Kate followed her.
* * * *
Danny wandered around the garden, taking in the warm late afternoon sunshine and enjoying the fresh air.
The garden was beautiful, and he knew he would spend a lot of time out here, amongst the flowers and the wildlife, in the glorious peacefulness of it all.
He though Kate had done a wonderful job getting it so nice, and in particular he liked the various signs dotted about that had Kate and Holly’s humour stamped all over them - ‘Sod off!’ beside the grass, ‘Never mind the dog, beware of my mother!’ and his personal favourite ‘gardeners do it on their knees’.
He walked slowly down to the pond at the bottom, and let out a deep sigh of contentment, smiling to himself. His heart raced.
He looked up at the summer sky again, and a gust of wind blew across his face, sudden and warm like a gentle caress, and he knew it was his mother - of course she would be here.
He turned back to face the house, and there was Holly, looking at him, out of breath and smiling slightly.
Everything he had planned to say went out the window as he looked back at her, and she slowly walked down to him, though obviously trying not to break into a run. Kate stood back at the patio, and he could see she was crying a little.
He looked Holly up and down, and the air seemed to escape from his lungs, almost knocking him off his feet.
She was wearing a little denim skirt that stopped short way above her knees, with black tights and huge boots, and a purple top that reached her midriff, exposing a belly button ring, and, he suspected, the tattoo on her back that had so freaked Kate out what seemed like a lifetime ago.
Her long red hair was down, spilling over her shoulders.
Her smile broadened, and he managed to smile back, though he couldn’t seem to close his mouth or get any words out.
Eventually, he found the words he was looking for, and looked right into her green eyes. “You must be Holly. Couldn’t be no one else, you look just like her, just like Nat.”
She nodded, tears spilling down her cheeks. “You must be Danny. My dad.”
He blinked, and tears rolled down his own cheeks, he hadn’t expected that. “I was, for a time.”
“Still are…”
“But, I’m not-”
“My father, I know. Still my dad though, if you wanna
be.”
“I do…I really do. I have missed you so much…”
She burst into tears at that, and nodded erratically. “I missed you too…”
He pulled the rabbit from his pocket. “This uh…this belongs to you, huh?”
She grinned through her tears, and nodded. “Thank God, I haven’t been able to sleep for weeks…”
They both laughed nervously. He reached out a shaking hand and hesitated, before settling it on her cheek. He needed to physically feel her, check she was real. She put her own hand over his and fell into his arms.
He held her tight, and looked up at Kate, who was also sobbing, her eyes saying more than any words ever could.
And for the first time in eighteen years, he felt totally at peace.
Table of Contents
Dedication
Prologue
Chapter One 10TH JULY 2007
Chapter Two 20TH DECEMBER 1988
Chapter Three 2007
Chapter Four
Chapter Five 30TH MARCH 1989
Chapter Six 18TH SEPTEMBER 2007
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight TUESDAY 8TH JANUARY 2008
Chapter Nine 5TH FEBRUARY 2008
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve 6TH FEBRUARY 2008
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen 2.35AM
Chapter Fifteen 29th February 2008
Chapter Sixteen WEDNESDAY 11TH JUNE 2008
Guilty Page 31