by Sarah Cole
“Nice. Thanks for the ringtone.” I answer.
“Don’t lie. I know you have a thing for Scott Stapp.” Tally replies laughing.
“Gross.”
“I guess this means you didn’t get taken into jail.”
“Nope. It was my lucky day.”
“Probably took pity on your sorry state of dress. Ashley thinks you’re a right corker, though. She had a proud mother moment, I swear. I think she may have even cried a little.” Tally replies smoothly in her British accent.
“Want to come over for lunch?” I ask. I know I just had ice-cream, but I’m PMSing and in all fairness, it was a crap morning.
“Sure, I need real sustenance. I’ll bring food.” She doesn’t even bother saying goodbye. I just hear the click and dead air.
“Boo, you whore.” I say, quoting Mean Girls, before tossing the phone onto the cushion beside me. Girl must need a cheeseburger about as bad as I do at this point. I get up to go change into my trusty sweatpants, because let’s face it. Jeans are the most uncomfortable things when you’re bloated, and anyone who can just lounge in jeans is lying to themselves about comfort.
The lock clicks and the door swings open hitting the stop as Tanner strides over the threshold, still in uniform. He spots me caught halfway between my bedroom door and couch and his eyes crinkle in humor.
“Go ahead. I know you’re going to do it anyways, so just get it out of your system.” I motion for him to proceed with his ridicule.
Raucous laughter erupts from him as he tosses his head back, just playing it up just a touch more than necessary. I fold my arms defensively across my chest, waiting for him to finish. He stops briefly, casting me a cursory glance and I raise my eyebrows in question, silently asking him if he’s finished before he lets out another loud outburst. He wipes the tears from his eyes, his face red.
“Oh my god, Verity!” His voice high pitched and cracking from laughing so much.
“I thought you were finished.” I say flatly.
“Not possible. Honestly, that was simultaneously the most disturbing and hysterical shit I’ve ever witnessed. Can I ask why in god’s name you were dressed like a giant folded Baloney sandwich?”
I cringe at his crass comparison. “It was my boss’s doing. It’s hard to say no to her.”
“I’m not even going to ask.” He drops his hands from his hips and walks over to my couch, settling himself in my favorite spot and I roll my eyes.
“Why don’t you go to your own apartment and stink up your own couch?” I ask, eyeing my watch and knowing that Tally will be here any minute. Those two go at it even worse than Tanner and I do.
“No can-do buckaroo. I had to get rid of the couch. My new one won’t be delivered until Monday afternoon.”
“Why’d you get a new couch?” I find myself asking even though I could honestly care less, just so long as he gets his hiney out of my space.
“Because remember that blonde, big on tits, little on brains? Well, there were some questionable stains-”
“La. La. La. La!!!!” I plug my ears interrupting him with my flat, tone deaf bird song. I don’t know why I even asked for him to explain.
He laughs again, standing and heading to the door, knowing full and well he’s irritating me. “I’m just kidding, Ver. Jesus! A spring popped through the cushion, so I thought it was time to cough up the dough and buy a real man’s couch.”
“Oh yeah, and what does a real man’s couch look like?” I ask, following him to the door.
“Leather. Recliners. Cup holders for my beer.” He beats his chest like a caveman, and I have to fight a smile. I can’t let him know that sometimes he’s actually kind of funny. No need to feed the beast. Though, sometimes I’d certainly like to drown it in the frat house Jager bomb it crawled out of.
He’s unlocking his own door, when I stop him, “Hey.”
“What’s up twat face?” he smirks.
“Can you maybe apologize to your partner for me? I feel bad for trying to run away from him. I was just scared and embarrassed. I really didn’t start that fight, but I think my boss might have.” I bite my lip.
“Sure, you didn’t.” he smiles, but its kind this time. “Oh, that reminds me.” he digs into his pocket, pulling out a piece of paper and handing it to me. I take it from him unfolding it to see a blank citation sheet. I flip it over to the back to see Hunter has written his name and call me, in neat print with a smiley face. Below is a phone number. I look up at Tanner who has a conspiratorial look on his face.
“I don’t think he holds it against you.” he says chuckling to himself as he lets himself in his apartment and shuts the door. I feel myself smiling, but I won’t let myself get too carried away. I’ve dated that kind of man before and it hasn’t fared well for me yet. So, no matter how enticing it might be, I shut it down. I take one last look at the paper and crumple it between my hands feeling a twinge of sadness. I know I’m doing the right thing though, because that little pinch would be nothing compared to a heartbreak that would be sure to happen later.
***
“So, tell me all about it.” Tally says around a giant bite of her double bacon cheeseburger.
I take a bite of my fries, “Which part? The part where I tried to run from the world’s most attractive police officer, the part where Tanner witnessed it all, or about how my parents took me out for ice cream after and gave me a lecture on the art of peaceful protesting? Oh! Or, how about how that officer I tried to dodge, gave his phone number to Tanner to give to me? Because to me, it all seems a bit insane!” her eyes go wide as I teeter on the edge of my sanity.
“Wowza.” She swallows. “Wait! He gave you his number?! Are you going to call him? Please tell me you’re going to call him.”
I shake my head no, as I stuff my mouth full of more cheeseburger.
“Don’t tell me it’s because of that damn checklist again?” Tally asks, giving me a stern look, and I nod my head yes still chowing down like I haven’t already eaten my weight in food for the day.
“Oh, Verity! Don’t be daft. I told you how ludicrous that list is. A silly list you created while you were halfcocked on sangria shouldn’t be the deciding factor on who you go on dates with.” She smacks her forehead, giving me an incredulous look from under her arm.
“It was merlot, and it’s not the deciding factor. It’s just a gentle reminder of what I want. I’ve been down the opposite road too many times to count and so far, I’ve just crashed and burned.”
“You should call him. Obviously, he can’t be all bad if he encountered you at stage five crazy and still wants a shot.”
She’s got a fair point, but I couldn’t call him now even if I wanted to. “Sorry, I can’t. You do make a fair point about the crazy though…”
“Verity, come on!” she pleads.
“I really can’t call him!”
“Why not?”
“Because when I threw his number away, I poured all my nasty expired condiments on it from the fridge. I knew I’d be tempted, but I’m not digging through that to retrieve a piece of thin carbon paper.”
She shakes her head in exasperation. “You are exhausting.”
“So, I’ve been told before… Hence another reason I will die alone.”
chapter 7
LESSON #7: bUY EMBARRASSING ITEMS ONLINE. THEY COME IN DISCREET PACKAGING.
Verity:
I reluctantly pull open the glass doors to the Trend offices. Upon entry, applause erupts and I see my co-workers rise to their feet cheering me on. I nearly drop my double shot latte as my eyes scan the room and the haphazardly hung banner above my desk that lamely says, ‘Yay!” As I approach my desk on unsure legs, my colleagues continue to clap and I want to shrink back into myself. When I reach my desk, Preston pulls the plug on a rather anticlimactic confetti pop, and pink and gold tissue paper flutter briefly in the air before drifting to the white polished floors.
“I don’t know what to say…” I sit down in my chair, an
d Tally tries to hide her shit eating grin behind her hand. I truly am at a loss for words.
“Well?” Ashley says behind me, and I spin in my chair to meet her perfectly painted smile and cat eyes.
“It’s… it’s…” I look to Tally for help.
“Festive?” she supplies, and I nod in agreement.
“It’s festive!” I say and the Feminazi’s smile widens.
“Verity, can I see you in my office for just a moment?” she asks, and I stand to follow her sashaying hips. There’s no way she walks like that naturally. She has got to practice that in front of a mirror.
“Close the door, dear.” She says. I love how she tosses those pet names around when she’s only at the max ten years my senior. I let the door latch softly and follow her to her desk.
“What’s going on?” I chew on my lip just waiting for her to reveal her next scheme or crazy ass assignment for me.
“Verity.” She levels me with a serious gaze, and I feel my insides flip flop. My stomach’s in my butt or my heart’s in my throat… whatever that phrase is. “We are so incredibly lucky to have you as part of our Trend team! The initiative you show on a daily basis is something else. You raised some eyebrows with last month’s, Between the Sheets column, and you continue to surprise us. Saturday… Saturday you were a star! You were bold and fearless, and you stepped outside of your comfort zone. I’ve spoken with everyone and we feel it is time you were promoted from Assistant Editor to Editor.” Ashley smiles, and honestly I’m speechless. This is something I’ve been working towards for the past four years…and all because I decided to be bold and just wear the vagina.
“Of course, you will still continue with the columns you currently contribute to, but you will take on more of the actual editing and will need to come to the weekly editor meetings to help contribute to new and fresh ideas. This role also comes with a six percent salary increase.” She says, sliding me a sheet of paper across the desk and I feel my heart pitter patter and my eyebrows raise in surprise. “Next quarter you will also be eligible to receive your annual merit increase based on your goals and KPI’s. What do you say?”
“Thank you! Thank you so much!” I gush standing.
“Thank you, Verity. Keep up the good work. Close the door on your way out. I have a conference call at nine.” She says dismissing me with a small smile.
I mosey back to my desk stunned. I’m aware that I’m pretty much walking like a zombie. As I approach Tally at our work station, she doesn’t even give me a chance to sit down before she attacks.
“What?! What did she want? How’d it go? Oh my word, why does your face look like that? She didn’t fire you, did she?”
I swivel my chair in Tally’s direction to give her a blank stare… pretty sure she’ll get the memo to zip it anytime now.
“So…?” Tally asks slowly, looking like she finally reeled herself in a bit.
“So, she gave me a promotion and a raise.” I shrug nonchalantly, but the face splitting smile I’m wearing tells a different story.
“No way!”
“Yes way!”
“I should’ve volunteered to wear that hideous twat.” Tally grumbles before she smiles.
“That’s amazing, Verity! Congratulations. You more than deserve it! Lunch date manicures for celebration?”
“You bet!” I wink.
***
I stroll into the Duane Reade on the corner two blocks from work. I stayed late to make sure all of my pieces are on track for the month, and I realized that I’m a procrastinator. I’m pretty much behind on all of them. It’s probably sad that they know me by name, but when you buy the amount of crap I do for various articles and photo shoots, it certainly sparks some interest.
“Hey honey!” Trisha, the cashier calls as I stride through the door.
I wave and smile back, grabbing a basket from by the door and fishing my list from my Louis Vuitton Neverfull. Neverfull is a crock of shit. This thing should be called the Alwaysfull – always full of my crap. First things first, I head to the makeup to finally get all the goodies for my budget beauty date night look. Date night my balls…I’ll just make something up. Last time I got asked on a date, it was by a guy on the subway and he smelled like bad decisions and broken dreams. He was also talking to a radio, so I think it was going to be a no from me either way.
After I gather enough products for my non-date, date night look, I head on down the aisles grabbing more random products. We always see these DIY beauty tutorials on Pinterest and Instagram, but you never know if they have any merit until you try them yourselves, so we try them as an entire team and compare results. We have come up with epic fails and crazy discoveries that way. This month we are testing out the hemorrhoid cream for under eye bags and feminine chafing cream for makeup primer among other things. I’m sorting through my basket, and cross checking my list when I run face first into a firm chest, dressed in navy blue. I teeter on my heels as I stumble back and two large, warm hands fasten themselves to my shoulders, steadying me.
I swallow, hard as the familiar crisp smell of Armani cologne wafts in the air forcing me to look up. It happens quickly, but the moment seems to stretch on for an eternity as my eyes scan across the shiny NYPD badge and the nametag that reads, Williams. They continue upward to the lightly tanned neck and strong jawline, wide white smile and warm brown eyes sparkling with humor.
“Sorry. Thank you, Officer Williams. You have a knack for catching me when I fall.” I finally find my voice after I shove my drooling tongue back in my mouth.
“I’m a public servant, just doing my job.” He winks and I swear it short circuits my brain. “That’s an awful lot of hemorrhoid cream and condoms.” He says, drawing my brain from its stupor. I look down into my basket, spotting the eight tubes of cream, three boxes of assorted condoms – including flavored, and various other embarrassing purchases. There’s no hiding it, and I briefly consider making a run for it until I remember how well that turned out the last time I ran from him. I have to face it head on this time…
HUNTER:
It’s been call after call this afternoon- petty theft, office dispute, lost kid, fender benders, and now a drugstore shoplifter. After finishing up the report and sending Tanner out the front, I turn but stop in my tracks when I spot a leggy blonde in a tight-fitting pencil skirt, sky high shiny heels and a black trench coat. She’s studying the condoms rather intently, grabbing box after box. It’s only when she turns ever so slightly I recognize her. My vagina. Well, not my vagina because I don’t have one. I should say the vagina. I’d recognize her anywhere because she’s gorgeous, and a meeting like that leaves a lasting impression.
On impulse, I find my feet walking towards her and she’s doing the same, but instead of watching the aisle, she’s sorting through her basket. I stop short, but she continues on until she collides with my chest and stumbles. I reach out and steady her as she takes her sweet ass time finding my eyes. Her eyes widen a bit and she swallows.
“Sorry. Thank you, Officer Williams. You have a knack for catching me when I fall.” She says, her voice high pitched and unsure.
“I’m a public servant, just doing my job.” I wink at her and her smile falls. I panic, grasping for a lifeline for conversation because for some reason my usually smooth demeanor disappears when I’m talking to this woman. I say the first thing that comes to mind after glancing down at her basket.
“That’s an awful lot of hemorrhoid cream and condoms.” I could fucking kick myself because not only was it dumb, but her face pales and she gets shifty look like she’s about ready to bolt. But really, now I’m curious because she’s got some strange shit in her basket.
“It’s for work.” She says, and the only thing that comes to mind is, ‘please dear sweet Jesus, don’t let her be a prostitute.”
“I’m not a prostitute!” she gasps. Oh, no. I did not say that out loud… except I did. Where’s my gun? I need to shoot myself now. “Are you crazy?!” she screeches again.
“I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to say that out loud. I didn’t mean that you were… Shit! I am just curious as to what kind of job makes you dress up like a giant hoo-hah and buy large quantities of prophylactics and creams for discomfort.” I gesture towards her haul.
Her face lights up in realization, and her lips form a neat little O. My eyes drift to her mouth and she snaps it shut. “Sorry, I guess I should explain because I probably seem a little crazy and a lot promiscuous right now.” She shrugs with a smile, holding up her basket of sin and I have to smile back. “I’m an editor at Trend magazine. Saturday my boss pretty much forced me into that… that… outfit, and I couldn’t really say no. Also, we have a few articles to write regarding random drugstore products with multiple uses. Considering the active ingredients in some of these creams are nearly identical to those in some luxury beauty items, we thought we would test the validity that they are interchangeable. The condoms… these are for me tonight. I have a hot date!” she says, and I swallow my gum and choke on my spit.
“Jeeze!!! I’m just kidding big guy! Oh, my god, are you ok? You’re too big to do the Heimlich on; you’ll have to get on your knees!” she screeches out, setting down her purse and basket with fearful eyes.
“I’m fine, sweetheart.” I choke out, finally catching my breath and wiping the tears from my eyes. She rummages around in her bag and pulls out a tissue, handing it over to me. I gratefully take it.
“I guess it’s a little late to tell you that those condoms are also for an article we’re working on. I edit on a Between the Sheets column and we were going to test out the gimmicky ones. Like glow in the dark- do they really glow? Flavored? Do they taste good? You know… the basics.” She blushes.
“Got it.” I say just as my radio sounds with Tanner’s voice.
“Man, come on we have a ten thirty-one. We have to go now!” Tanner yells, and I roll my eyes at his enthusiasm. Everyday it’s like he’s acting out a crime drama. I know that code means there’s a burglary in progress so I need to go even though I could stand here all day talking to her.