Candace nodded adamantly as if to say, Yeah, it’s him, not you.
I hoped this was what emotional rock bottom felt like, or else it was going to be an incredible splat when I finally reached the end.
Adam slid into the booth on my left side, then Moose. William slid in on the opposite side, making Candace and I squish to the center next to each other. They were boxing me in.
Emotional torture, compliments of William. Physical torture, compliments of my dress. Winning pair.
William passed the glass of bubbles across the table, eyes focused on mine as if it was just the two of us on a romantic date. My stomach knotted.
“Thanks," I muttered, looking away as quickly as was polite, as two things happened.
One, Moose asked, “So what have you been doin’, Jessica? We not good enough?”
The second was Adam leaning into me for brotherly support. The connect gave me enough confidence to launch into what I had been up to, sprucing up the dull parts, which were most, and leaving out some bits, like the depression and the dating of idiots.
Everyone made comments throughout except William, who watched me silently. Something seemed to be eating away at him. I suspected it was me not falling all over him like normal—pulling away as best I could. Well-liked guys were like that; they didn’t want you until you moved on, then they had to have you. I’d been fooled by that a few times. As a poster child for all the women who were fooled by ass**les, I was finally learning my lesson! Trying, anyway.
The conversation switched to everyone else catching me up on what they had been up to as if I was an old friend just back from vacation. Even William shared. He was finding people to take his bulls around the rodeo circuits—they were headed to the big time after continually showing well. He was introducing new blood lines into his breeding, securing new bulls for that. He was taking over more of the family business. On and on.
After the table talked about bulls and riding them, in which Candace and I took a reprieve and talked about where I bought my dress, William directed the conversation back to me.
"So," he started, reaching directly into my soul with his blue eyes, "Gladis seems to be doing well. It surprised my mother how fond she is of you."
Was that a back handed compliment? Judges’ ruling... Annnnnnnd yes, yes it was.
"It surprised her? That I’m likable?" I was aiming for light and funny. It came across scorned and slightly bitter. Oops.
Adam leaned against me again. Moose looked like he wanted to wrap me up in a bear hug.
William's damn blank face. He looked back at me with the expression you might get from a whitewashed wall. I had an uncontrollable desire to cover that face with my drink.
"It surprised her, yes," he said after looking at me for a tense moment. "Since Gladis's husband died, she has been somewhat...recluse. Bitter. Her kids don't visit her much, being that they aren’t biological, of course, and she doesn't see many people anymore. You seem to have put the spark back into her. She couldn't stop talking about how great you were. Are. She seems to be your number one fan. Or one of ‘em, anyway."
"I don't know that I have all that many fans in this neck of the country," I said, elbowing Adam to get more space. I smiled devilishly as he flinched.
"Simply not true."
By the time I looked back at William in surprise, he had directed the conversation to Ty and the latest rodeo. Candace was looking at me funny so I checked my boobs to make sure they were in place. They were where I left them, which was halfway to my neck.
I looked out across the bar, noticing people and checking out men. There wasn't much talent, so I wasn't too worried about being stuck with a bunch of guys that were off-limits. However, there were a couple that I kept going back to. Their faces were a train wreck, but their bodies were pretty good.
Cue flashback to LA with the nice bodied small man with stank sheets. I shivered.
If it hadn't been so long since I sexually sinned, I wouldn't even consider it. But I was sitting with a bunch of really hot men, I hadn't touched a man in months, and I was basically foaming at the mouth. Should shopping come to buying, one of those guys would do the trick.
"See anything you like?"
It took me a second to realize that the comment, lower and amongst other voices, was directed at me.
"I don't... I wasn't... what?" I stammered.
Nice cover, idiot.
William analyzed me like he might a spreadsheet before he asked, "How come you haven't found anyone yet? Is there no one you have your eye on?"
I was not expecting the personal touch from William Davies. I've made a lot of mistakes with men, I've learned a lot of lessons, I've even managed a good decision now and again, but of all I might be anticipating from the guy keeping me at an arm's length, it wasn't a background check on my romantic interests.
I answered like most single girls would when cornered with that question: "Uhhhh...."
I shifted my gaze to Candace for help, and thankfully she was looking at me.
Wait—so was everyone else! They were all politely waiting for my answer.
This just got awkward.
"Oh, well. I haven't really, uh, been looking, I guess."
"Just browsing..." William said jokingly as he pointedly looked out over the bar.
That irritated me. Fuck you, man. I wouldn't have to browse if you weren't such an ass. Well, and you liked me back.
I decided not to let it get to me. I smirked. "I always have time to look over the talent."
"Talent?" Moose asked.
"Talent, yes. Like if appearance was a talent. I am assessing the various talent."
Five sets of eyes turned toward the patrons in the bar.
"See any?" William asked, the first to look back.
"Are you serious?"
Adam thought this whole situation was extremely funny for some reason. He was trying to suppress his chuckles, but I could feel his big body shaking in silent mirth. I had a feeling I had just been caught with my hand in the cookie jar, but confused as to why that was bad.
William nodded, glancing at Adam and then back at me. Adam tried to nonchalantly put his hand over his face to cover his smile. He was as under cover as a Nun in a strip club.
I looked at William like he was growing a third eye, then looked out over the bar again. If he wanted to talk to me like he was my girlfriend, he was going to get a conversation I would only tell the girls. Including "womanizing" comments men probably didn't think women made.
"Okay, if you must know, and I will not be sparing you my bluntness, there are two butter faces that would serve for a night. If they had high pitched voices or smelt bad or something, it would eliminate them from the competition, but I wouldn't mind seeing ‘em na**d in an extreme situation." Felt weird actually saying that out loud to a bunch of dudes.
"Butter face?" "Competition?" "For a night?" "Extreme situation?" Each guy got stuck on a different part of what I’d said. Candace covered her face in shock and looked embarrassed. Her and I had plenty of these conversations.
I sighed. "Guys, look. You asked. If you can't keep up, then stop asking. I'll quickly explain, and then let's change the subject. Oh and, Reverend Davies, before you ask, no, I wasn't actually planning on a one night stand—especially not with a big boobed fake woman with whom you've had a past acquaintance."
William's face went red, but to his credit he didn't flinch or look away. The rest of the boys started hooting and laughing, pounding at the table and nudging William.
"Butter face—a man's term. Good body, ugly face. ‘But her face!’ I could have said a brown bagger, which is a face so ugly it needs to be covered, but butter face sounds better. I’m sure you guys have said something similar a few times…”
Guilty looks.
I continued. “Competition because it is a talent show and I am the judge. The na**d comment should be obvious—seeing a man with a great body na**d is, well, great. Good size is great, too, but I don’t necessarily need to star
e at it. Not attractive, that little guy. You all are preoccupied with it, we just like to use it and speculate about it."
The boys stared in mute horror. I bet they weren’t excited about hearing size did matter after all.
"And the extreme situation I was talking about is a drought; not being...uh...with a guy for a while. Not being touched intimately for too long."
That last bit did embarrass me. Partly because it was part of feminine vulnerability to say you wanted to be touched, and partly because I was admitting I hadn't been. And frankly, I knew I was bad at hiding my loneliness.
Everyone was considering something different, even William, who was contemplative as he looked out over the bar. I obviously said too much—this awkward pause being the reason you talked only to women and g*y men about that stuff. Straight men couldn't handle the pressure of women judging them the same as they judged women.
"Is this a universal thing?" Ty asked slowly.
I tried not to laugh. "Women still aren't nearly as bad as men when it comes to acting on it, Ty. And your woman is better than most, don't worry." Candace looked at me with relief.
“Well, anyway, I need to head off,” I announced.
“Denied,” Adam said with resolution. “It’s Friday; you ain’t got nuthin’ else ta do.”
“Well, pee for a start. Unless you like a wet seat?”
Moose was first out of the booth. He had always been the gullible one.
I took my time in the restroom, wanting to sneak out but not wanting to be a coward, so just stalling in the meantime. When I was headed back to the table, intending to say good-bye, William met me in the middle of the bar. He stopped when he saw me and I noticed he tried not to let his eyes stray past my face, but failed. It made me feel marginally better about the night.
It was the small things.
"Hey, William. Uh, I'm going to head out. So..."
"Would you mind staying for one more beer? I was planning to leave after that, also."
"I probably shouldn't."
"Listen, Jess—Jessica.” William looked hesitant. “About what you said earlier. Um...of, you know, drought. You sounded somewhat...forlorn. It's not my business, but... I just wanted you to know that if you needed to talk, I’m here."
Oh hey, thanks for the salt. I’ll just pour it in the gaping hole in my chest.
I wanted to get mad. I wanted my temper to flare and to say something witty and cutting. I wanted anything but what was happening, which was to tear up. I let my head drop to hide my face, my body shuttering to stop the crying.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “I always seem to say the wrong thing.” He moved closer to put his arms around me for comfort.
“No, I’m okay. You just surprised me, is all.” I hurriedly wiped the tears from my face. “I’m just going to say good-bye to the others.” I turned and walked toward the table.
“Jessica!” He called.
I kept going. There was no point in it. No point in anything concerning him. You just had to know when to say die. It took me until the issue was decomposing to finally admit it, but I needed to move on.
“Hey guys,” I said dejectedly, “I might just head out.”
“Wait, Jess. I’ll walk you,” Candace said as she scooted from the booth.
Waiting, I leaned against the wall, needing physical support from that last exchange. I didn’t realize I was a foot from Adam. When I did notice I started, then muttered a “sorry.”
“That shade ‘a blue don’t match your dress,” Adam said.
“What?” I was not in the mood for riddles.
“That layer of sad you got on. It’s draped on you like a blanket. It don’t fit.”
I nodded, barely keeping from rolling my eyes. “Okay, Adam. Well, I’ll see you around.” I pushed off from the wall as Candace stood.
Before I got two feet, William was in front of me, blocking my way. His delicious scent wafted to my nose, making my stomach cringe and my sexual factors roar to life. It was so unfair the effect he had on me.
He looked at Adam with facial sign language. Adam, seeing my panic and silent plea for him to stay, cocked his head, but nodded to William. As he walked away I thought I heard, “Make it right, man. She don’t deserve this. Make it right.”
“I’m sorry, Jessica,” William said to me quietly. Well, as quiet as you could in a crowded bar. “I was trying to do the right thing, but I was an ass just there. Please don’t leave because of me.”
My eyes misted again.
“Leave what specifically; the bar or the country?” I said with a hint of the anger I hoped would hide the sorrow.
Surprise flitted through his blank mask. “I...”
A tear rolled down my face and I dropped my head again. More tears joined it. It felt like the gremlins had finally gotten through. They ate and scratched their way out of my chest, which was now emptying its contents like puke on my shoes.
Hope was fleeing for good. Cold truth was floating down like ashes. It was done. The book on William was finally, solidly closed. And it hurt as bad as losing my first love.
Suddenly Candace was there with her arm around me. I was being led away from the table, not a sound being uttered to stop me. She got me outside and hugged me firmly. I was trying to control my crying but wasn’t doing a great job.
“Do you want me to go with you?” she asked.
I shook my head. I didn’t know her well enough to be consoled by her, sweet as she was.
She tucked me into a cab and sent me home with a promise to call tomorrow.
It was a long, dark walk to my cottage. There was no Gladis waving out the window or inviting me in. I had no one to make me some coffee and tell me encouraging words. I had only a dark residence of solitude. Just like William read in me. I was so utterly alone and lonely that I couldn’t stand it.
The next day I was super busy. I woke up and had to get in some crying. I showered and cried some more. I got a cab to pick up my car, which was now making some scary noises, then went to visit Gladis and tried to convince her that I hadn’t been crying while we were playing chess. I don’t think it worked. Then I went to the gym and worked myself until I could barely walk.
The pain was so fresh, again. The tear so real and jagged. It had just always felt so right with him. Like we were meant to find each other. Deep down I thought he was the gold at the end of the rainbow. That I’d had to fail with men, over and over, then move to another place for independence, and was finally settling into what I was meant to be. That equation seemed to work with him in it. Since that first meeting, I’d felt it.
And now I had to face that I’d had it all wrong. This town was just like any other. There was no more magic here than in L.A. Less, probably.
In the late afternoon I was lonely, so I went back to brave the hospital. Gladis still tried to press me for what was wrong, but I wouldn’t budge. I didn’t really want to talk about it. I didn’t want to leave her side, either, but I was not about to sit through a sponge bath.
As I was walking through the hospital lobby on my way out, I got a strange tingling in my stomach. It felt like zombie butterflies trying to resurrect themselves. It really could have been anything—gas, stress, nerves. It was very likely that my Id, that little ego part of me, just woke up from a nap and realized I looked a disgrace and shouldn't be in public.
I was nearly to the exit when I heard: “Jessica, I wondered if I might have a word?”
I looked up to see William striding toward me. Then down at myself.
I had sweaty, unwashed hair pulled back in a ponytail. I had ruminants of day old make-up that I didn't completely sweat off at the gym or wash away in the shower. I had half workout clothes, equipped with boob flattening sports bra, and worst of all, sweats. Not the cute sporty sweats basketball, soccer, or hip sports players wore. No. The gray, holy things that your mother wore to the store on Saturday mornings before she took a shower and did her make-up. The things you swore you would never wear in public.
Great timing, as ever.
“Um, sure. Do you mind if we get out of the hospital first? I hate hospitals.”
“Of course. That would be better.”
I was not quite sure what he wanted to say to me, and I found that I didn’t much care. Come Monday, I planned to organize my move away from this town.
We made it to my car without William opening his trap. I was sure it was just an apology for making me cry the night before. It wasn’t something I cared to hear.
“Did you want to talk to me, William?” I asked, having opened my car door.
“Yes. Can we go somewhere for coffee?”
Can’t we just get this over with?
“I guess. As long as it’s quick.”
He briefly looked hurt before his face went blank again. “There is a place just up the road. Would you like me to drive?”
“No thank you. I’ll meet you there.”
It seemed like he wanted to say more, but he curtly nodded and backed up. I got in my hoopty and attempted to start her up. There were a few sputters and a valid attempt, then nothing.
“Not now!” I muttered at the car. I tried again. Less sputters and a half-hearted attempt to turn over. Nothing.
“Fuuuuuuuck.” I put my head on the steering wheel.
Was now a good time to ask the boss for a raise so I could buy a decent car?
I got out and slammed the door. William was standing a couple feet off, waiting for my reaction.
“What?” I asked snottily.
He shook his head and shrugged. “I could look at it. I know a little bit about cars.”
I looked back at my pile of junk and shook my head. “No point. It’s dead. I had just hoped it would last a couple more months so I could get rid of it and get out of here.”
“To Australia, you mean?” he asked quietly.
“Yeah.” I looked out at the parking lot, full of cars glittering in the noon sun. Cars that actually worked. But unless I was going to take to grand theft auto, there weren’t many options. “Well shit, I guess I wouldn’t mind a ride after all. I’ll worry about this thing later. Maybe I can give it a little water; bring it back from the dead. Again.”
Breene, K F - Jessica Brodie Diaries 01 Page 23