I shrugged and tried to familiarize myself with the bare face staring back at me from the mirror, which I usually only caught fleetingly in the morning. It was like the younger tomboy me who’d watch footie and climb trees to keep up with her brothers.
‘Auntie Jan wouldn’t approve.’ I shook my head. ‘This goes against everything she taught me. Without Mum, growing up, at least I had her to point me in the right direction.’
Lady C suddenly suffered a coughing fit. I clapped her on the back and eventually she managed a half-smile. Despite her stern words, with her crinkly eyes and lavender smell, Lady C seemed like the kind of aunt the younger me had longed for. Auntie Jan was more like a fun friend who gave mega hugs but never wanted to let go, as if they were more for her.
‘Right, let’s go for that stroll,’ she said and we headed back to the lounge.
‘But what if I bump into a mate, looking like this?’ I said. Not that there was much chance of that – Abbey’s flat was in one of the posher parts of London. And I know it was superficial, worrying about make-up, but the more natural look just wasn’t my thing. Even pets looked better pimped up, in my opinion, like dogs with cute bows and sparkly jackets.
‘True friends don’t care about appearances, Gemma,’ she said and picked up her Margaret Thatcher handbag. ‘What counts is your integrity, honesty and kindness.’
Yeah, right. Tell that to the women’s magazines, who filled their pages with tips on dieting and how to look younger.
We left the flat and entered the lift. Lady C didn’t seem so small now that I’d removed my stilettos. As we exited the building, I squinted in the sunshine, feeling like I was in a bad dream where you wander down the street and suddenly realize you’re naked.
‘Shoulders back, dear,’ said Abbey’s aunt. ‘Chin not too high or low and stomach pulled in. Don’t walk too fast or slow, nor appear aimless – a lady always knows where she is going. These quick tips on deportment will have to do for this excursion. What you’ll need is several hours balancing a book on your head.’
‘That only happens in the movies, right?’ I grinned.
She arched one eyebrow, then, as we passed a hairdressing salon, tested my ability to hold what she called “a suitably civilized conversation”. We started with the weather.
‘Um…hasn’t the sunshine been lovely lately,’ I said. ‘Aren’t you mega hot in those tights and that blazer? After all, we’re still in August.’
Lady C almost choked. ‘Don’t ever mention something so personal and, whilst I think about it, also avoid religion and politics and gossip—’
‘But…’
‘No interrupting either. Remember people’s names, compliment them, don’t raise your voice or ever show emotion.’
Whoa! At this rate, I’d need to take notes.
‘Keep yourself informed, Gemma. Read the papers,’ she said as I stopped to look through the window of my favourite cake shop. ‘Let’s see what you know about this year’s news…’
Reluctantly, I left the yummy chocolate éclairs and we continued along the pavement.
‘Do you remember what happened with Jordan?’ said Lady C.
‘Mega disappointing, wasn’t it, when she didn’t get back with Peter André?’
Her brow wrinkled deeper than usual as we turned a corner. ‘No, Jordan’s in the Middle East; it’s a place, not a person. Let’s try something closer to home… The Double Dip.’
‘That new ride at Alton Towers?’ I said as the cheeky street cleaner pushed his trolley past and gave me polite look instead of his usual leer.
‘I was talking about the recession. Don’t you ever read the papers?’ Lady C let out a sigh as I led her off the main road and through a small park. ‘Failing current affairs, ask people questions about themselves, but nothing too probing.’
Easy. ‘So, did you really own a finishing school when you were mega younger?’
Lady C glanced sideways at me and her eyes narrowed. ‘Never allude to someone’s age. But yes, it was my own business.’
‘Amazin’!’ I said, remembering her advice to compliment people.
‘Amazinggggggg,’ she said and veered to avoid some nettles. ‘Or “wonderful” would be better. Don’t say “mega”, try, “awfully” and, instead of “wow”, how about “goodness”?’
I opened my mouth. Then shut it. Goodbye spontaneity.
‘What a thoroughly delightful place,’ said Lady C as two children ran past with nets and buckets. ‘A pied wagtail and nuthatch…Well, I never.’
Clearly, she was some kind of birdwatching buff. Perspiring now, I spotted an ice cream van. Comfort food might help me forget my nude look.
‘How about a choc ice?’ I said.
‘Goodness, no. It’s highly impolite to eat on the go.’
Instead, we walked onto a bridge. I picked up a twig and threw it into the stream below.
‘Now it’s my turn for some questions,’ said Lady C. ‘What do you do for a living?’
‘I am – was—a waitress at Pizza Parlour. We’ve all just been given the boot.’
Lady C raised an eyebrow.
‘Oops, sorry! I mean, made redundant.’ I coughed. ‘Such jolly bad luck but I’m sure, um, another job opportunity will arise soon.’
Lady C’s mouth upturned. ‘Good, although there’s just one problem— remember you are Abbey now. Don’t talk about your own life.’
‘Okay… I was a head chef at Pizza Parlour and, having gained experience out in the real world, will now join Daddy’s company, Croxley Catering. This will offer me a super career.’ Abbey used words like “super”. Plus “terribly”. And “silly sausage”. Lady C beamed and I felt all fuzzy inside, like when Dad gave me the thumbs-up for explaining the offside rule.
‘But what about you, Gemma?’ she said softly. ‘Tell me about your aspirations.’
I picked up another twig and lobbed it into the current. ‘Dunno— never thought about it really. Would love to be able to cook like Abbey, but, well… As long as I earn enough to pay the bills and have a good time, I’m doing okay.’
‘There must be more than that, dear. Self-esteem and self-ambition make a lady. Always aim high; consider the long plan. That’s the trouble with young girls nowadays – there’s too much living for the moment.’ She stared at me. ‘You’ve got a real chance to turn your life around, here, Gemma.’
I couldn’t help snorting. ‘What, in a fortnight?’
‘Life has a habit of throwing opportunities our way.’ She smiled. ‘Who knows what will happen?’
I shrugged and glanced at an oldish woman, further along the stream, who’d stopped to lean on her walking stick. A young teenager approached her and— oh my god! —shoved her to one side, grabbed her handbag and scarpered.
People all around did nothing and acted as if it had happened in their blind spot. Uh oh. Heart racing… I was having one of my adrenaline rushes that made me do something bonkers.
‘Oi!’ I shouted and within seconds my legs were carrying me after him. The teenager jumped over some bushes and headed into a forested area at the end of the stream. Just as I caught up, he tripped and fell. Swearing, he got to his feet.
‘Hand it over!’ I said.
‘Gonna make me, bitch?’
Er… yeah. I lunged forward. Years of wrestling my brothers, Ryan and Tom, had stood me in good stead for dealing with over-friendly blokes and now thieves. Except his eyes looked glazed and with an unexpected strength he pushed me off. I grabbed onto the handbag before tumbling onto a log. A male voice shouted behind me and the teenager swore again before running away.
‘You okay?’
I turned around to see – wow, a total hunk with an athletic build, all wrapped up in a sharp suit. He was pushing forty but flirty eyes never aged. He pulled me to my feet and, with no short skirt or cleavage to distract him, gazed right into my understated face. I held my breath. The hunk didn’t flinch or gasp in horror. In fact, he smiled and carefully examined my fore
head.
‘Bit of a graze, there,’ he said and lifted up one trouser leg several inches to reveal a bandage. ‘Sprained my knee yesterday. If it wasn’t for that, I’d have nailed that young bast… basket case.’
Blimey – he hadn’t wanted to swear in front of me.
Fingers curled gently around my elbow, he guided me out of the trees. Lady C and the handbag’s owner were waiting by the edge of the stream.
‘Oh, thanks so much,’ said the woman. ‘I’m so grateful. Let me reward you.’
Yes, please! But I caught Lady C’s eye. No doubt accepting a fiver for my trouble would be the height of bad manners.
‘No, it was my, um, pleasure,’ I said and rubbed my arm.
The hot guy shook his head. ‘I’ll ring the police. I bet that thug wasn’t expecting to be collared by such a charming young lady. Really, well done,’ he said.
Gemma Goodwin, charming, without her boob enhancers and bronzer? My face broke into a grin as Lady C steered me towards a nearby bench, moved a discarded magazine and we sat down. I bit my thumbnail.
‘Mega unladylike, wasn’t it – me running like that, shouting “oi!” I just couldn’t stand by and watch that bug…that loser steal someone’s handbag. I’d do it again.’
‘Jolly glad to hear it. You seem to have this idea that minding one’s manners and dressing modestly equates with being, well, something of a lily-livered wimp.’ Lady C pulled a leaf out of my hair. ‘Whereas ladies display strength of character, they are fair and charitable.’ She beamed. ‘Quite simply, I was impressed.’
‘You, um, aren’t disappointed?’
Her eyes sparkled. ‘Gemma, my dear, I’m beginning to understand why you and Abigail are such good friends. With a new hair colour and clothes, you could be in with a real chance of pulling this off. I used to run intensive etiquette courses and might just be able to teach you everything you need in the next ten days until the final. Tonight we’ll start with table manners. I brought some of the more adventurous foods you might encounter, like asparagus, mussels and quail eggs.’
Urgh! She’d better teach me the etiquette for throwing up.
I picked up the magazine. It was a TV guide for next week. Oh my God! Million Dollar Mansion was advertised on the front. I flicked through and came to a full page photo of the Earl of Croxley, a slim, grey-bearded man with a pipe, in a tweed suit. Lord Edward, his son, looked a moody so-and-so, as if the camera was his worst enemy. Yet I could forgive his Victor Meldrew expression because of those tousled honey curls and broad shoulders. Phwoaar!
On the opposite page were the other finalists. With dyed black hair greased back and an expensive suit, the divorced Baron of Marwick was in his sixties and looked like his middle name was Smug. His son, Harry Gainsworth, wore a flash tie and mega gold watch. Their family had owned Marwick Castle for less than a century. Both held glasses of champagne and in their interviews called the Earl of Croxley a ‘boring old fart’.
Whereas the Croxleys… Once more I gazed at the photo of Applebridge Hall. My eye caught tatty gardens and crumbling brickwork – talk about shabby chic. I read the Earl’s warm tales about his grandparents and Elizabethan ancestors—it must be hard for him, all that history suddenly at risk. But could little old me really help save the Croxleys’ mansion?
‘Shame, isn’t it, that Abbey’s dad and the Earl aren’t on talking terms – that Abbey and Rupert aren’t in touch with their cousin,’ I said.
‘It is, dear. I believe Edward made some attempt to contact them when he was…ooh, almost twenty. Abigail and Rupert were still at junior school. He sent them cards and the occasional book. But Richard never passed them on.’
‘That stinks! Does Abbey know?’
‘Yes. Richard told the children it was for the best. That they were too young to understand the reasons for the estrangement and what was really going on. The cards eventually stopped.’
Blimey. This was hardcore falling out, not to let the kids at least have contact. Without warning, I sneezed and sniffed loudly.
Lady C tutted and passed me her dainty lace handkerchief.
‘See?’ I said. ‘We could change my appearance – even with my own style and hair colour, I’ve been mistaken for your niece. But everything else about me is wrong. I talk while I eat and, thanks to Uncle Pete, I know more about brick-laying than cross-stitch or croquet.’
‘Ladies aren’t stuck in the nineteenth century, my dear,’ said Lady Constance. ‘Expert knowledge in any area is admirable.’
At that moment the National Anthem blared out from her handbag. That was some ringtone. Lady C took out her phone.
‘Hello, Abigail… Pardon? School? Oh, dear. Oh dearie, dearie me. No—don’t mention that. Ah, and there’s something else…?’ A pained expression deepened her wrinkles. ‘Yes, quite. What a shame. Leave it with me. Speak later, poppet…’ She ended the call.
‘Bad news?’ I said.
Lady C stared at me for a few seconds. ‘Abigail misunderstood the start date of the final. Filming actually begins on September the first.’
‘This Saturday?’ I squeaked. ‘That only gives us four days! And wasn’t there something else – about a school?’
Lady C’s shoulders sagged. ‘That’s irrelevant now, seeing as your transformation is quite impossible. Poor Abigail. You were her only chance.’
Uh oh – another adrenaline rush as my conscience pricked. Months ago, Abbey had taken me in, after I left Dad’s so that he could turn my bedroom into a nursery for his new girlfriend’s twins. Truth be told, I still owed her big time. My heart raced, meaning I was about to do something stupid… Urgh—like deceiving people and pretending to be posh. An uncomfortable twinge pinched my stomach. Yet just one look at Lady C reminded me just how important this was to Abbey. And if you couldn’t step out of your comfort zone to help mates, then I reckoned it was what Abbey would call ‘a pretty poor show’.
‘What the hell,’ I heard my sing-song voice say. ‘Let’s give it our best shot. Applebridge Hall, here I come!’
If anyone could imitate my best bud, it was me.
LORD EDWARD’S E-DIARY
Monday 27th August
‘Comments’
10.30p.m. After several pleasant hours of reading, here in my beloved library, I’ve just bobbed back online to close down the laptop. How extraordinary that already several people have commented—for that I thank you.
Drunkwriter, your poem was…thought-provoking. Historybuff, Applebridge Hall was indeed built almost five hundred years ago—by the first Earl of Croxley, who fought against the Spanish Armada. EtonMess, close as cousin Abigail and myself are, I, um, don’t profess to know any of her personal measurements. Nor whether she prefers tights to stockings… For details regarding her appearance, you must wait to see her on the show. Which reminds me of terrific news, blog-readers—she just rang, to confirm her arrival this Saturday.
Chapter 2
Ever wondered how it might feel to go on one of those makeover shows where they revamp your look for The Big Reveal? Well, take it from me, you’re torn between dying to peek and fearing you won’t recognize the reflection at all. Especially when you quite liked the former you—I would miss my rub-in tan and Dairy Milk hair.
I glanced at my packed suitcase as I waited for the Million Dollar Mansion car to drive me the hour’s journey to Applebridge Hall. Lady C had pinned up my newly dyed, strawberry-blonde hair. The nail polish was clear, the chicken fillets gone and the make-up toned down. Nor did my outfit show legs or cleavage.
I hadn’t needed as much help from Lady C as I’d expected, appearance-wise. After all, I’d lived with Abbey for months now and knew just how much mascara she liked to apply to her lashes (think more wiry daddy-long-legs and less furry tarantula).
Lady C yawned and pointed towards Abbey’s full-length mirror. We’d hardly slept for the last four days. It was like suffering from an almighty hangover.
‘Time to take a look, dear,’ she said.
‘Gemma! After everything we’ve practised this week. How terribly disappointing that you still use that ghastly word.’
‘What? Oh…Sorry.’ I giggled. ‘But it’s wicked! I do look just like Abbey.’ Apart from my cuddlier tum and freckles. I swivelled from side to side, eyeing the knee-length navy skirt and red polo shirt. I wore KMid high nude shoes and gold stud earrings and a little silk red scarf around my neck… There was a definite classy air hostess vibe going on!
‘Now, you’ll have men fighting to open doors for you.’
I shrugged. ‘Why should they? Guys, girls, we’re all equals.’
‘You think that’s how men treated you, in your old clothes?’ She smiled and shook her head. ‘Right, you’ve got my mobile phone number, dear. Don’t hesitate to ring if you need me. Now, remember, cutlery…’
‘Work from the outside in…’ I said and gave a big yawn, remembering to cover my mouth.
‘And alcohol?’
‘Don’t clink glasses or get drunk.’
Carrying my suitcase, I left Abbey’s bedroom and followed Lady C into the lounge.
‘Pity Abbey couldn’t drop by to see me off,’ I said. ‘She wouldn’t believe what I look like now.’
‘Yes, it’s unfortunate she had to take her parents to the airport this morning.’
‘At least we spoke on the phone briefly last night. She couldn’t stop talking about her trip.’ I glanced sideways at Lady C. ‘In fact, I didn’t have time to ask her what she said to you on the phone, when we were in the park – about a school. Seeing as you can’t remember.’
Lady C blushed. ‘Oh, er, never mind. Right, let’s see… If you are expected to help in say a coffee shop,’ she said, changing the subject, ‘don’t hesitate to contact me if you’re expected to bake. I have files of recipes.’
I opened the flat’s front door. Roses in her cheeks, Lady C gave me a quick hug.
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