“I don’t mean to upset you, Ella. I have to do this for me.” His arms tightened around her, the steady beat of his heart reassuring.
How easy would it be to run away with him right now? Jump the plane to Europe and disappear? If she didn’t love Sam so much, she might do it. The loss of Matt from her life was an unbearable thought.
“I should go,” she said.
“I know.”
Her heart thrummed at a million beats per minute as he let go, and she turned to go toward the door.
“Ella?”
She looked back over her shoulder.
“I’m going to miss you. You and Sam. I love both of you. That’s what makes all of this so hard.”
“I’ll miss you too,” she croaked.
Ella closed her eyes as she closed the door behind her.
It didn’t matter what Matt said—nothing would ever be the same.
12
ELLA
One year later …
At first Ella hadn’t worried. She’d moved on and waited, but after a year of trying for a baby, her heart was ripped out, month after month. Sam’s laidback attitude to nearly everything wasn’t helping.
“I looked it up on the internet. It said because of our age and how long we’ve been trying that maybe we need some help.” Ella leaned her head on Sam’s shoulder, squeezing his hand.
“What kind of help? Doctors?”
“Yes. It’s been over a year, Sam, and we’re not old enough to have issues conceiving. There must be something going on.”
He turned, wrapping his arms around her. “Surely we can wait a bit longer. There’s no hurry.”
“I thought you wanted to have a baby.” She sighed. This was your idea to start with.
“I do, and I would be happy if you told me you were pregnant tomorrow. But maybe we just have to be patient.”
“What if something’s wrong?” She fought back the tears that threatened and tried to force her lips into a smile. They wouldn’t co-operate, and Sam frowned with her.
“Fine. Whatever. If you think we need to see a doctor, we’ll see one.” He smiled. “I can’t wait to have a baby with you, Ella.”
Now her lips did what she wanted, and curled into a smile. She planted a big kiss on his lips. “I can’t wait, either.”
He leaned in, nuzzling her neck, and she moaned at the contact. Sam always did know how to touch her, how to make her feel as if there was no one else around.
“Let’s go to bed now,” she whispered.
“It’s the middle of the day.”
“So? Who are we going to get in trouble with?” She giggled, accepting his kiss, leaning back on the couch as it grew deeper. This—this was perfect.
“Rugby’s on.” Sam kissed her on the nose, sitting back up and grabbing the remote. She stared at him in disbelief as he flicked on the television and she seemed forgotten.
What the hell just happened?
“Get some chips, Ell. The game’s about to start.”
Ella placed her hands in her lap, unable to move. The television transfixed Sam, and he completely ignored her sitting there. She was not moving, not saying a word. What was there to say? One moment, a serious conversation about their relationship, the next minute, discarded for sport.
As each month had passed, Ella had wept because there was no baby. At first, Sam’s suggestion, his idea consumed her. It kept her awake worrying, but now he seemed disinterested and only going along with it because she wanted it.
She closed her eyes. How had they ended up like this? There was settling into marriage, and there was this, whatever this was, where he’d planted this seed but now didn’t seem to care.
Matt wandered uninvited into her thoughts. If she tried hard enough, she could still feel his kiss, burned on her lips for eternity. The kiss of unrequited love.
But maybe, had he still been around and Sam as neglectful, things might not have stayed that way.
No.
Her eyes flew open. It didn’t matter whether Matt was there or not. She could never return his feelings, not in that way. Even if sometimes she thought of the kiss and wondered what it would be like to go further, to be touched by him, to be loved by the sweet, gentle man who was in some ways the opposite of the man she’d married.
No matter how many times those thoughts filled her head, they could never come to anything. She hadn’t told Sam for fear of him being hurt.
She loved Sam.
“Ella? The chips?”
“Sure.”
Chips in front of the television with the man she adored. Life could be a lot worse.
She retrieved the bag of potato chips and settled them in the centre of the couch, jumping as her phone vibrated in her pocket. It was Vanessa.
What are you up to?
Ella smiled. Vanessa now studied at Auckland University, turning down her sister’s offer of a place to stay and living in student accommodation in the city.
Watching TV. You?
Standing on your doorstep
Ella squealed. Even so close, seeing Vanessa was a real treat. Ella had adored the straightforward, often sarcastic teenager from the day she was born.
“Babe,” Sam muttered.
She stood, running for the door. Pulling the handle, she found Vanessa on the other side, grinning, with two pizza boxes in hand.
“I saw there was rugby on, and figured you might need something else to do given that Mr Boring will be glued to the TV.”
“He is.” Ella grinned.
“I heard that,” Sam called.
Vanessa rolled her eyes. “You were supposed to.”
She walked in past Ella, placing the pizzas on the table.
“I’ll grab us a drink. There’s Coke in the fridge.”
“Can you get some for me too please, babe?” She heard Sam as she got to the cupboard where the glasses were stored.
“Why don’t you get off your butt and get your own drink?”
Ella laughed, shaking her head as she heard her sister.
Sam chuckled. “Always nice to see you, Ness.”
Ella grabbed three glasses and the Coke from the top shelf in the fridge. Vanessa sat at the table, watching her as she placed the items on the surface and opened the bottle.
“So what have you been doing?” She placed a glass of Coke in front of Vanessa, and took one to Sam on the couch. He wrapped one hand around the glass, pulling her down for a kiss.
“Thank you,” he murmured.
“Any time.”
She turned with a smile on her face, and laughed at Vanessa’s eye roll. “You do that far too much, young lady.”
Vanessa shrugged. “It’s habit.” She lifted the lid of one of the pizza boxes. “I got your favourite—Meat Lovers.”
“Thanks. I appreciate it.” Ella sat next to Vanessa, her back to the television. “So, what have you been up to?”
“Study, study and more study. It’s not as full-on as I thought it would be, but we’re just starting. So, I’m trying to get ahead.”
Ella nudged her sister with her elbow. “Good for you.”
“You might have to brush up on that bedside manner before you become a doctor, Ness,” Sam said.
“Ignore him,” Ella whispered.
Vanessa grinned. “I’m good at that. What have you been up to?”
Ella reached for a piece of pizza, closing her eyes as she took her first bite. She’d been trying to be good and lose a bit of weight. This wasn’t helping, but it was so good.
“Same old. Working. Trying to make a baby.”
Vanessa’s eyebrows dipped as she gazed at her sister. “How’s that going?”
“It’s not.” Ella shrugged, tears coming to the surface. “Can we change the subject?”
“Heard from Matt?” Vanessa took a bite of her pizza. Ella’s heart thumped—the other subject she didn’t want to think about.
“Not for a while. He was in semi-regular contact with us while he was working in London.
Now he’s travelling, I think access to the net is sporadic.” I haven’t been online as much either.
Ella had started avoiding the net at home. The temptation to pore over fertility and childbirth sites was too tempting. It was too easy to self-diagnose her failure to fall pregnant.
“I haven’t heard from him either. He accepted my friend request on Facebook, but I wasn’t sure if he was not posting, or posting and hiding it from me.” Vanessa twirled a stringy piece of mozzarella between her fingers.
“Matt’s probably out there sexing up all the ladies.” Sam waggled his eyebrows as he approached the table, reaching for a slice of pizza. Vanessa slapped his hand, shaking her head.
“Matt’s not like that.”
“How would you know? You met him once. I’ve known him his whole life. He’s not a monk.” Sam grabbed a slice, taking a big bite out of his. “Thanks,” he mumbled with his mouth full.
“Gross. I didn’t think he was that kind of guy,” Vanessa muttered.
“He’s not. Sam is trying to get you to bite.” Ella slapped Sam’s arm, and he swallowed, pursing his lips to give her a kiss.
“Don’t eat too much, it’s not good for you,” he said as he pulled away.
Ella narrowed her eyes as he turned back toward the television.
Vanessa slapped Ella’s arm, frowned and nodded toward Sam.
Ella shrugged. He only said it because he cared. Right?
13
ELLA
It was funny how something so perfect could go so wrong. How one little aspect of your life not being right could turn everything upside down.
The struggle to have a baby had weighed on Ella’s mind far too long.
Sam hadn’t seemed worried, but she’d made the appointment with the fertility clinic anyway, to give herself peace of mind more than anything else. The tests had seemed to go on forever, but the results would be in tomorrow. She and Sam had an appointment with the fertility specialist, Dr Goodrich.
“I hate doctors,” Sam said.
“Maybe everything is okay. I need to know,” she said quietly, resting her head on his lap.
He stroked her hair while she closed her eyes, the sound of the television fading as she became drowsy.
“We’ll find out tomorrow,” he whispered. “Whatever happens, I love you, Ell.”
“Love you too,” she mumbled. She could stay like this forever, loved up with him on the couch. Push all the bad thoughts aside as to what was going on.
In her dreams, she held her baby—their baby. The stark reality of the truth only burdened her in the daytime when she could think about it.
Dreams were nicer.
“WE CALL IT UNEXPLAINED FERTILITY,” Dr Goodrich said.
Ella looked at the floor. “So what now?”
“Well, there’s no medical reason for you two to not be able to conceive a child. Either time will tell, or you could explore the possibility of IVF.”
Sam squeezed Ella’s hand, and she raised her head to look at him.
“What’s involved in that?” Sam asked.
“There are a few things we can look into first. I think for the moment, I’ll give you some reading material, and we’ll make another appointment so you can ask any questions that you might have.”
“Okay.” Ella’s voice cracked. Even though they didn’t know the root cause, the responsibility was on her. It had to be her fault.
“Ella, this isn’t the end. You have a lot of options. You might find that as we work through them, it happens naturally. Sometimes when the pressure is off, it seems to make a difference.” The doctor smiled, and Ella nodded slowly. She had to get control of herself, not let it pull her down. They’d get on top of it all; it was a matter of taking it one day at a time.
Sam buried his head in her neck, kissing her softly. “At least we know that nothing’s wrong, babe. We’ll get there.”
The car ride home was quiet, Ella poring over the documents the doctor had given them. They had two choices for IVF—the public system, where they’d have to wait, but be funded for up to two attempts, or going private. Private equalled money they didn’t have, but was the much faster of the two. They could be starting the process in a matter of weeks rather than months.
Ella’s parents had already helped them out with a sizeable amount of money to get them into the house. She didn’t want to ask for more, but that could be the only way they could try sooner.
“What do you think?” Sam broke the silence.
“We could be waiting a long time if we don’t go private.”
He sighed. “What choice do we have?”
“We’ve got a bit of savings.”
“Not enough for this.”
She clamped her lips together in an attempt not to cry. It seemed these days, she did that a lot. It wasn’t always because she was unhappy; her life with Sam was close to perfect. They were only missing the one thing she now wanted desperately.
“Don’t cry, babe. We’ll work it out somehow.”
“I’m sick of waiting.”
“I know.”
Pulling into the driveway, he sighed as he turned off the car, placing his hand on her knee. “Let’s go and have a nice evening. Curl up on the couch together.”
She leaned her head on his shoulder. “That sounds nice.”
“Give me the folder, and I’ll read through all this. I suspect you’ve read most of it on the internet.”
Ella kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you. I wasn’t sure if you were in this with me or not.”
Sam grinned, making her heart flutter. “You bet I’m in it. We kinda need to do this together.”
An hour later, Ella cleaned up after their steamed fish and vegetable dinner while Sam immersed himself in the fertility clinic paperwork.
“It says here that the chances of conceiving are better if we’re both at healthy weights,” Sam said, waving around the paper he was reading.
“Why do you think I’ve been on a diet these past weeks? I’ve read up about it.” Ella flopped onto the couch beside him, lying down with her head in his lap.
“You have?”
“If you came home for dinner more often, you’d notice.”
He put down the paper, running his fingers through her hair. “I’m sorry, babe. I know it’s tough. I’m trying to take the opportunities I can when I can. The adult computing classes are really popular right now. Believe me, I’d rather be with you than spending my evenings with people who can barely turn on a computer.”
Ella laughed, turning her head to nuzzle his leg.
“You could try that a bit farther up if you want.”
She sighed, sitting back up.
His blue eyes twinkled with mischief. “How about we snuggle up in bed and watch a movie? Then …” he ran a finger from her throat down to her breasts, “we can see what happens.”
Ella grinned. For a couple trying for a baby, the sex had become less frequent, and when it did happen, it wasn’t always the crazy, passionate sex they’d enjoyed for so long. Sam was usually tired, and Ella scared to get her hopes up.
“Sounds wonderful,” she whispered.
“You’re wonderful.” He pressed his lips to hers, exploring her mouth with his tongue while she relaxed into him. His hands cupped her breasts. “Don’t lose too much weight. I wouldn’t want you to get rid of these.”
His eyebrows shot up as her body shook with laughter. “I don’t think there’s any chance of that. Besides, once we make a baby they’ll get bigger again.”
“Oh.” He waggled his brows, kissing her again and taking her breath away as only he could.
“I love you, Sam.”
“Love you too. Come on—I say we watch the movie naked and take it from there.”
Ella laughed. “What movie did you have in mind?”
“Transformers. The latest one.”
She shook her head, standing and taking him by the hand. “Let’s go. But it had better be me giving you a hard-on and not
Optimus Prime.”
He grimaced. “I can’t promise you that.”
Ella rolled her eyes. “Dick.”
“I know you’d rather watch something soppy, but what can I say? The robots do it for me.”
“You do it for me,” she said.
His eyes grew sad, as if overwhelmed by emotion. “No matter what happens, you mean the world to me. You know that, right?”
“Of course I do,” she whispered. Maybe things were tough, but the one thing she could count on was Sam’s love for her. The ring on her finger said everything.
“Let’s forget the movie.” He grinned, his eyes scanning her features, excitement on his face as if he were discovering her for the first time.
Ella chuckled, running for the bedroom, pulling Sam behind her.
That was what really mattered.
14
ELLA
Another month of no baby.
Ella sat on the couch, a bag of potato chips by her side, huddled up in front of the television. She seemed to spend a lot of time there these days, hiding from all the things in her life she didn’t want to face.
Cranky from dieting and a healthy dose of PMS, she sat staring at the screen, stuffing her face with one of her favourite comfort foods.
The front door opened, and she didn’t look up. Sam sank into the couch beside her, kissing her cheek.
“You okay?”
“What makes you think I’m not?” she snapped, immediately regretting her tone. Sam hadn’t done anything wrong.
“Let me see. My gorgeous wife is sitting in her trackpants and sweatshirt, stuffing her face with potato chips, and her eyes are all red from crying.”
Ella fought the urge to cry again, her lower lip quivering as she met his gaze. Sam looked at her with so much understanding and love it was impossible to be bitchy with him.
“I’m not pregnant.”
He pulled her into his arms, that familiar soap powder smell of his shirt enveloping her. No matter how upset she was, he made her feel safe, wanted.
“We have a plan for that. Now we have to wait our turn.”
“I don’t want to wait,” she whispered.
“Babe, we talked about this. It’s too expensive to do it privately.”
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