by Jenny Hayut
“What you said to me outside, it fucking sliced me, but it was true. I did the same to you as Dad did to my mom.”
Shit. He picked up on my thoughts, loud and clear.
“Holt, I didn’t— I shouldn’t have said—”
“No. You were right, and I can’t take that shit back. I watched what it did to my mom, and to think you might’ve gone through some of that same shit because of me, it fucking kills me.”
“Holt—” I try again, but he keeps going.
“I can only offer you who I am now. I don’t know what my future holds. I can’t make any promises to you, but I can tell you that there will never be another woman for me. You are it. No one could ever come close to what you do to me.”
“Holton,” I hear myself breathe, having a hard time keeping it together and getting out what I need to say to him. “You did what you thought was right for your mom. You were a kid. You couldn’t have done any more for her. You went to her every day. She knew you loved her.”
He’s looking out the window as I speak. His posture, the way he’s slumped in the chair, he looks broken. I fight again to not run to him.
“You took care of her in the only way you knew how. You showed your love for her by showing up every day. I’m sure she died knowing she raised a good son, a good man. You didn’t abandon her like your dad. You had no control over her life at all. I know that’s why you have to have it now. I get that.
“For me, I’m not going to say that when you left it didn’t break my heart. It did. Bad. I felt stupid falling for you so quickly. To hear you say that now, Holt, it’s like you just untangled me. I’ve been wound so tight, not letting anybody get close. Because of you. Because of what I thought was wrong with me.
“You know you have visions of me as a teenager, sitting on that swing out there with boys. There were never any boys, Holt. My music, my books, and my animals. That’s what I had growing up. That’s what I loved. You were the first man who made my heart stop. You are the only man to make my heart stop.
“You gave me confidence simply by smiling at me, touching me, kissing me. So you see, if I was your piece of heaven, you were the key that got me out of my own hell. But then you took it away.
“When you left, you left me ruined for other men. I tried to get close, went out on dates, even had a couple of kisses in the dark, but nothing.
“I thought all this time it was because of the trust thing, but I know now that no one will ever do for me what you did for me. It’s like you’d known my body forever and knew what I needed. It will always be you for me too, Holt. I love you like I’ve never loved another soul in my life.”
Holt’s out of the chair and at my side on the bed in the time it takes me to blink. “Please, baby, say it again.”
“What?”
“What you just said, your last words... Please, I need to hear it again.”
My stomach summersaults from the sudden excitement in his voice. The tears try to push out as I whisper, “I love you.”
He closes his eyes for a moment and takes in a breath. “Say it again, baby. Say my name this time.”
“Holt,” I start, but he puts his finger to my lips, stopping me.
“No, my name, Nicolette.”
I’m confused for a moment, but then it comes to me. “I love you, Holton Maddox. I don’t think I ever stopped loving you.”
I barely get those last two words out before he’s grabbing me to him, crushing my body into his as the tears burn my cheeks. It’s as if a weight has been lifted from my body, a weight I’ve been carrying around way way too long. All this time, I’ve just been drifting along, not really living. Existing.
Holt brings his mouth to mine, but with the same tenderness we shared outside earlier. In the dark, the pounding of our hearts are nearly in sync with one another. He’s holding back. He doesn’t know what I want. His kiss is slowly becoming urgent, needing, pleading.
I open my mouth to him, inviting his tongue. He takes the invitation, and to my delight, takes control. He knows now what I want, and he’s going to give it to me.
His hands are all over me: at my waist, pulling my tank, pushing it up over my chest, capturing one of my breasts and holding it firmly while he squeezes my nipple, already hard with the anticipation of his touch. I moan with pleasure as the heat rises between my legs. I’m already dripping.
He pulls back, yanks my tank top over my head, and throws it across the room. He shoves my shorts down and I quickly kick them off as he pushes me onto the bed. I’m naked and wet and dying for him to be inside me.
He leans over me and whispers in my ear, “Say it again, babe.”
I smile at him. “I love you, Holton Maddox.”
He kisses me again, sucking my lip and thrusting his tongue into my mouth. I am alive with desire for this man. I wrap my arms around his neck, holding onto him, never wanting to let go. I moan into his mouth as he trails his hand down my body, finding my legs, separating them, caressing me, feeling my wetness.
Pulling away from my mouth, he turns his head to my ear, whispering, “So fucking beautiful,” while sliding a finger into me, then two, then three.
I’m on fire. I want him inside me. I want to feel him glide into me. Feel his hips meet mine, our bodies in motion together. He brings his lips to my ear, teasing it with his tongue, while still stroking in and out of me. The pleasure is building, and I can’t hold on long, but I try. God, do I try.
He makes a trail down my neck with the tip of his tongue, but then stops at the curve. His hot breath blows gently on my skin. I cry out his name as he draws his tongue back in and starts sucking. I try my best to muffle my pleasure by shoving my face into a pillow. Aunt Helen is downstairs. I can’t lose control. But I want it too much. Not just my body giving into its desires this time, but my heart finally catching up.
“Tell me what you want, Nicolette.”
“I want you...” I breathe. “I want to feel you inside me. I want to come for you. I want to make you come.”
His eyes are smoldering as he flashes them shut and opens them with a devious grin.
Shit.
I nearly come just watching.
“Hmm, my sweet Nicolette, talking dirty to me.”
“You made me this way. You make me want to be dirty.”
I move my body to match the rhythm of his fingers and slowly orgasm as he keeps thrusting in and out of me. My body shakes, out of control. He is the force that drives all my emotions, stirs my desires, and unties the chains that hold me down.
“That’s it, baby, come for me. Look at me. I want to see you come.”
I open my eyes, but I can barely keep them open as I’m still coming.
“Fuck, baby, you’re even more beautiful when you’re coming for me.” He slowly glides his fingers out of me.
I squeeze my legs together, not wanting him to leave.
“Don’t worry, baby, I’m not done. Just want to get a taste of you.” He raises his fingers to his lips and slowly puts each one in and sucks it dry. I almost feel like coming again just watching that. “So fucking sweet.”
I shiver at my need for him. The feeling of never being full of him.
He’s still dressed, and I set out to change that. I caress the back of his neck with one hand and stroke the other across his chest, stopping at his nipple and squeezing. A moan escapes his mouth and, as I lift up his shirt, exposing his bare chest, I kiss and lick, tasting him.
He caresses my breasts again, pinching the hardness of my aching nipples. I drop my hands to find his buckle and undo it. I unbutton his jeans, tugging at the zipper, pulling it down. I shove my hand inside his boxers, grab his cock and start stroking it. I want it out, to wrap my mouth around it, to stroke my tongue up and down its shaft, driving him insane like I used to.
I force him out, kneel, and slowly lick his hardness. The wetness my mouth makes on him matches the wetness and ache of my own. Dying to be plunged into. Holding him tightly in my hand, I travel dow
n to his balls. I tease their center with the tip of my tongue, licking from top to bottom. And then take them in one at a time and suck. I haven’t forgotten what sent him over the edge and, judging by the increased movement of his hips, it still does.
I slowly travel back up, all the way to his crown, where I roll the tip of my tongue around and around, driving him even further into insanity. He moans, thrusting his hips toward my mouth. Feeling his pleasure build only increases my hunger and ache.
I squeeze my mouth tightly around him, sucking hard. I love giving this to him. He’s about to come. He’s grinding into my mouth. He suddenly moans out my name as the warmth of his cum shoots to the back of my throat. I slow my sucking then pull back, extending my tongue and licking him dry.
I lift my eyes to his face while I take the last drops of his juices into my mouth. His arousal, his release, knowing I gave it to him, makes me hungry. There’s no stopping me. I want more. As he regains control, his eyes meet mine, and I think he understands.
One moment I’m lying between his legs, sucking him off, the next I’m being twisted and pulled until I’m on my back and that deliciously enticing smile is looking down on me. With his body arched over me like this, it’s a vision I’ll never get enough of. I’m addicted to it. Addicted to him. I want to show him. I don’t want to hold back. I’m not afraid to let go. I want to give him me. All of me.
He slides down, gliding his hands down my sides and begins licking every inch of exposed skin, not leaving any part of me untouched. When he gets to my belly, he stops and kisses it.
Keeping his hands on my hips, he moves his mouth down and down, to where I’m burning for him. When his tongue nips between my folds, teasing me, I cry out. As he begins to raise his head to look at me, I push it back down and hear him growl. He buries his face in me again then rolls his tongue around my lips, separating them to find my clit then goes in deeper, sucking me, driving me over the edge. I call out his name again.
“That’s it, baby, tell me how fucking good it feels.”
“Oh my God, Holt, it feels so good. Please, please.”
“Your wish will always be my command, baby.”
If I have to give to get, right now he can have any fucking thing he wants. He drives his tongue into me, taking his time, slowly licking and sucking while he continues to tease my clit. I am delirious.
He lifts his head up then crawls toward me. I can’t help but bite my lip at watching him, and as he reaches my face, he kisses me deep. I can feel my saltiness on his lips and now on my tongue.
“Want you to taste what I taste, babe.”
I lick my lips, not taking my eyes off him. “Hmm, I taste good.”
“Fuck,” he groans and rushes back down, going into a frenzy of sucking and lunging.
My heart is racing, and I feel as if I’m about to explode. I can’t stop it. Climbing higher and higher. I’m reaching, begging, as I squeeze my legs tightly around him.
I scream out at the pleasure as I quickly come from the onslaught. The wave hits me, and when it does, my whole body rolls with it, shaking all the way to my curled toes. I can’t control it, even if I wanted to. He jerks his body back up to me as another whimper escapes my lips, his eyes hungry. He brings his lips to mine again, my saltiness still there.
I swipe my tongue across my lips as he watches. He raises a brow as he slowly grins.
When I bite my lip, he growls again. “Fuck.”
He rolls off me, and before I know it, he’s off the bed and standing over me. He kicks off his jeans then grabs my ankles and yanks me to the edge of the bed. I wrap my legs around him and arch my hips up, begging for him.
He doesn’t waste any time as he pounds into me, and I scream. I raise my hips to him, trying to get him deeper. His thrusts are demanding. He needs his release as much as I do. When he grips my hips, holding me in place, it catapults me, sending me over the edge.
“Holt, I’m going to... I can’t hold…”
“Take it, baby, tell me how it feels.”
“Holt, oh my God, please don’t stop. Don’t stop.”
He drops his hands and squeezes my ass, and I tighten my legs around him. He’s building now too, as a faint grunt escapes his throat. He shoves his cock in and out of me. More demanding, faster. He grabs my breast, squeezing, pinching my hard nipple.
“Fuck.” He moans as he comes with me.
My head is hot and swimming, my legs still quivering, and my heart is racing so fast from the ache and need of coming. I close my eyes, not wanting the feeling to escape. Sucking it to the last drop. I can feel his warmth inside me all over. Perfect. Bliss.
When I look at him, his eyes are still closed, his body still arched. To watch him come off his high. God. Beautiful. He slowly tilts his head back down to meet my eyes, and we stare at one another. I can’t help but feel that in that instant that neither of us want to let go. I want him to stay inside me like this forever. Nothing between us. Ever.
Eventually, I reluctantly drop my legs away from him as he pulls out of me. I immediately feel his absence, and an emptiness overcomes me.
He leans down on me, crushing his chest to mine. “Say it again, baby. I need to hear it.”
I smile at him, and, without hesitation, say the words I hope one day to hear from him in return. “I love you.”
He kisses me softly on the lips, and my body shivers, still on fire. He then lifts himself off me, off the bed. I turn my head to see him grab his jeans, and watch his beautiful body glimmering in the moonlight as he pulls the jeans up to rest low on his hips.
He leans over and kisses my forehead. “I’ll be right back”
I can’t move, still numb from the pleasure he gave me as he walks out of my bedroom. His footsteps drift down the hallway but then stop as I hear the rush of the water coming from the faucet in the bathroom.
I lie there in pure bliss. I told him I loved him. I told Holt I loved him. I put it out there. Went for it. For the first time in my life. I just went for it. It felt good, and what it got me in return...a dream come true.
Holt comes back into my room, carrying a washcloth. When he sits on the edge of the bed, he opens my legs and washes me with the warm cloth. Um, yeah, that’s new. He never did anything like this in those three months we were together. The intimate yet simple act leaves me with a sense of being taken care of. Of being loved. He hasn’t said the words, but somehow I know he does.
He lays the washcloth on my nightstand then slides his jeans off again and crawls back into bed with me, covering us with my quilt. I’m still completely naked. Instinctively, I want to grab my tank and shorts; yet having his body next to mine, feeling his warmth, it feels natural. I nestle my head into his shoulder and wrap my arm and leg around him.
We lie there in silence for a while. For the first time, we have a better understanding of one another.
“You know, babe, when I get you naked, fuck, you’re like a different person.”
I laugh, embarrassed, not knowing what to say because it’s true. It’s because of him: he makes me forget everything. “I know,” I whisper shyly.
He chuckles and tightens his hold on me. “Babe. Wanna ask you something. I hope it doesn’t piss you off.” He hesitates and then asks, “Was there anybody after me?”
The blow to my chest from his unexpected question makes me breathless. I bury my head in his shoulder. “No, Holt. No one.”
It isn’t a lie. Just not exactly the truth either.
“Good. Gonna stay that way, babe.”
He’s staking his claim, and the thought makes me smile. Even though he hasn’t said the words I want to hear, this is enough, somehow. For now.
“This is going to sound crazy as hell, but why is it that every time we have sex, it feels like the first time?”
I look up at him and smile, completely understanding what he means. “I know, I feel it too.”
Silence finds us again, wrapped up in each other’s arms. I want to know everything about h
im. Every tiny detail. I lift my head from his shoulder to rest my chin on his chest. I trail my finger along his jaw line, feeling the stubble of his unshaven face. To touch him, to feel him next to me, I will never get enough. Never. He’s looking out the window, out into the darkness, as I continue along his face, stopping at his lips, where I force them apart with my finger.
“How did Kilo get his name?”
He slowly turns his head away from the window and peers down at me. His eyes have a hint of storm in them, but they quickly change as he gives me a playful grin. “Well, it’s funny. It’s almost like we really are a tag team. Ridding the world of drug dealers.” He laughs, and I can’t help but chuckle at the thought of the two of them together like a superhero and his sidekick.
“Kilo was always around that shitty-ass motel I was staying in while I was waiting to make my move against that fucker. He was a stray, a lot skinnier than he is now, and dirty. Almost couldn’t tell he had a white coat. I was working as a bouncer at one of the nightclubs nearby, and he would follow me, waiting outside until I came out.
“The first few nights he followed me, I didn’t realize it, but after about the fourth night, I picked up on it and started letting him ride in the car with me. That made me realize quickly that he stank, so I went out and got him all kinds of shit and cleaned him up. Even brushed his teeth. He would ride back and forth with me to work and just stay outside until I got off.
“I knew he was mine one night when I had to kick these fuckers out for passing ecstasy around. One of them tried to turn on me as I was pushing him out the door. Kilo must’ve seen it and came out of nowhere, attacking the fucker until he could barely break away from his hold. Funny as shit to watch. After that night, he became my partner, my backup.
“I went out and bought him a collar and a leash and started calling him Kilo, thinking I could see him busting some balls in the drug world.”
“Wow, why am I not surprised by any of that? That name fits him well, Holt. I looked it up after you brought him in that first time. It means to lead humanity, an overall peacemaker but can become aggressive, intense, out of control if needed. Now that I know his story, totally Kilo...”