Shifting Gears

by Jenny Hayut

  Abandoning the pancakes, I turn to him and wrap my arms around his neck, feeling those strong, naked shoulders. Before I can open my mouth, he’s on me, kissing me with the hunger that never seems to die. His hardness is pressed up against me, and I can’t resist stalking my hand there.

  He whispers in my ear, “My dirty girl,” and lifts me up, sliding my bare ass onto the counter.

  He separates my legs and stands between them, and with one stroke, I am wet and aching. Not for long though, as he quickly shows me what skills he has in the kitchen.

  Chapter 23

  Three weeks later...

  With Gavin and Galaxy Dynamite in California, our nights at The Rox have kind of decreased. It’s depressing, actually, not seeing them there. Cass has spoken to Gavin just about every night. I was kind of worried he wouldn’t have time for her after he left, when he got caught up in all the excitement that is California. I imagined that between recording their album and being surrounded by all those tanned bikini-clad women, Cass would quickly fall into the shadows.

  He’s been staying true to her, though. I still think it’s pretty amazing that they’d both been hiding their feelings, that neither had the courage to speak up until Cass, seeing it as her last chance, went for it.

  Maybe, sometimes, a life-changing event can make people react in ways they wouldn’t normally. It makes them come to their senses about what’s important. Whatever the reason, I’m so glad she did. I’ve never seen her this happy.

  “I’m getting another glass. You want one, Nik?” Cass asks me.

  “Yes, please.”

  We’re having a night together, watching a sappy chick flick over wine. It’s rare for it to be just the two of us now that Holt is staying with us. He’s working tonight though, and, from what he told me as he left, he’ll be out late. He does that a lot. Gets a phone call and has to leave. Sometimes he doesn’t get back until three or four in the morning. I never question, I just roll with it, because each and every night he comes back to me, to my bed.

  I let Holt tell me what he wants, when he wants. It feels good not to be so hung up with fear and worry. Even better to let go of the past. I’m not letting it control me any longer. I’m living for today, right now, and I love every minute of it, with Holt by my side.

  Even though he still hasn’t said the words I so desperately want to hear, I’m closer to him than I ever was before. I know, from being with him every day, that he’s working jobs. He gets phone calls he leaves the room to take. On the nights he knows he’s going to be out late, like tonight, he makes sure I’m not alone. I’m always with Cass or Ang, or sometimes even Clay.

  Clay is still distant whenever Holt’s around, but he doesn’t mind keeping me company when I’m alone. On one of the nights he was recruited to keep me company, we even managed to hash things out between us.

  I told him everything about Holt, from the very beginning up to the point I’d decided to give my heart a second chance on him. I told him how much I loved Holt, how I’d never really stopped loving him. Clay listened to me and shared his worry. Unlike Cass, Clay wasn’t convinced Holt was worth giving another chance.

  “I don’t trust him, Niki,” he told me.

  He couldn’t explain why, he said he just had a feeling about him, something he couldn’t shake.

  ****

  I wake to his body’s warmth and hardness against me. He knows I’m awake. I’ve proven that to him time and time again. When he’s out, I doze off, but never really fall asleep. Only when I feel him next to me can I relax enough to fall deeply asleep.

  He puts his arms around me, and his lips caress my ear. “Hey, baby.”

  “You’re back,” I say groggily. “Everything okay?”

  I always ask him this when he comes back from wherever he’s been. Most nights, I’m certain he’s with Jax, but I’m clueless about where they go or what they do. Not knowing if he’s putting himself in danger is a double-edged sword. I don’t know what to worry about, and I have everything to worry about. And with the threat of Vinnie still so strong, I don’t know if Holt will cross paths with him when he goes out. Vinnie might be in the area like Holt thinks he is, tracking Doc C. I have no doubt in my mind, though, that Holt can take Vinnie, and that he’ll destroy him if he poses a threat to me.

  “Yeah, babe, everything’s good. You miss me?”

  I scoot away from him a little, teasing him. “I don’t know... Maybe.”

  The pulse of his hardness rises and, quite on its own, gravitates toward my ass. The excitement, the exhilaration I experience whenever I feel his arousal entices me. Keeps me forever hungry. And to know it’s because of me makes me feel sexy. Beautiful. Desired.

  “Hmm, you missed me,” I breathe to him.

  “That’s not from missing you. It’s from having your body next to me.”

  I understand, because it’s the same whenever he’s near. The need is uncontrollable. It consumes me.

  I roll over to face him, nudging myself up into the ridges of his chest. I love to lie with him this way. In his arms. Feeling safe.

  He caresses my lower back, and when his hand snags on the fabric of my tank, he lifts it above my waist. He goes directly to my scar, brushing across it with his fingertips, and pauses. I can tell by his body language that he’s wondering. He wants to know. But he doesn’t ask. He’s waiting. He’s made a point not to touch me there as I think he’s realized it’s not something I want to talk about.

  I lighten the mood the best way I can think of: by showing him what my body wants.

  ****

  Holt’s cell rings as the three of us are watching a movie. We’ve taken to doing this a lot since nights at The Rox are scarce now, not to mention Holt getting a complex every time I want to go out because of Vinnie. Holt’s in the kitchen getting us beer when it rings. I’m not answering it. I learned my lesson the one and only time I ever tried it. The night I talked to Jax…

  Holt was still in the shower when his cell started ringing. I was lying across the bed, reading, but when I saw that the screen said J Steele, I couldn’t help myself. At first when I said hello, there was silence.

  After my second hello, a very deep, rough voice said, “Nicolette?”

  God, he did sound hot. “Yes,” I said. “This is Niki. Is this Jax?”

  He laughed. “Yes, beautiful, this is Jax. It’s nice to finally hear the voice of the woman Maddox drives us insane about. I feel like I already know you, darlin’. It’s a shame we haven’t been formally introduced yet.”

  I giggle. “Well, maybe we can change that. It’s very nice to talk to you too.”

  “Hmm, not so sure the big man will go for that, but make no mistake, I would love to meet you. Name the time and place, and I’m there.”

  I laughed again just as Holt walked out of the bathroom and looked over at me. When he saw his phone pressed to my ear, he gave me an intense look that made me stiffen. I tried to keep my cool as he stalked toward me.

  “Well, the big man just walked into the room, so I’ll give the phone to him. It was nice talking to you, Jax. Maybe one day we will actually meet.”

  He laughed and said much the same as I handed the phone over to Holt, who looked even more enraged.

  “Maddox. Talk.” He walked out of the room, but not before I heard him say, “What the fuck did you say to her?”

  I laughed. He was being an ass. I just wanted to meet Jax because he has a connection to Holt. I want to know everything there is to know about the man I love. I barely know anything, and I desperately want to fill myself with him. He should know that already.

  Holt never actually told me he was upset that I answered it, but when he came back into the room, he told me he had to leave and wasn’t sure how long he would be out.

  I asked him if everything was okay, and he said it was just work.

  He leaned down to kiss me before leaving, but when he moved away and I tried to pull him back to me, to continue our kiss, he stopped me.

/>   “I have to go, babe. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” And then he was gone.

  I lay there, dumbfounded. That was the first time since he’d come back into my life that he’d stopped me from kissing him, touching him. I pushed past the negative thoughts quickly forming in my twisted mind. He was in hurry, maybe he’d just got a good lead on whoever he was trying to track down.

  Tonight, Holt answers it a moment after I see it’s Jax calling, like always.

  “Maddox. Talk.” He walks out of the room.

  As much as I’d agreed with Holt that I didn’t want to be a part of that world, I’m quickly beginning to realize that if there is a future for us, I need to be. At least in some way. His work, it’s a part of him, who he is. He loves it. I can tell. Without even asking, I know he likes the sense of control it gives him. Being out on the street gives him satisfaction. I want to share that with him. Somehow, over time, I need to get him to understand that. I’m not going to push it though. I’m still clinging to the hope that he’ll slowly start sharing with me on his own.

  Moments later, Holt bustles back into the room, clearly in a hurry. I hear the jingle of his handcuffs and see the bulk of his gun under his shirt. He’s heading out. He leans over the couch and reaches for my chin to turn it in the direction of his waiting lips. His kiss, with all its intensity, leaves me breathless. Much like the kiss he gave me that morning in my room. Making love to my lips. That’s what it feels like. But this kiss, it’s even deeper. It’s desperate.

  Those prickly fingers slide down my back, and I pull away. “Everything okay?”

  He ignores my question. “Gotta go, babe. Not sure when I’ll be home, so don’t wait up for me, okay?”

  Before I can argue, question, object, he’s out the door.

  I whisper, “I love you.”

  Cass sees what I do, I’m sure, because she’s trying her best to get me back into the movie. No hope there. I can’t help but think of Vinnie. Damn it.

  I debate calling Holt, but think better of it. Just as he respects that I don’t want to discuss my scar, I have to do the same for him. But with nights like this, it’s clear we have to talk. I sit, staring at the screen, my mind a million miles away.

  Before I know it, Cass is tapping me on the shoulder. “Goodnight, honey. I’m sure everything is fine. You know how he is. He doesn’t like to talk about the street.”

  “I know, I know.” I sigh. “Goodnight. Tell Gavin I said hi.”

  “I will, honey. Sleep well.”

  I pull myself off the couch and stop in the kitchen to pour myself a cup of coffee before I reluctantly walk to bed.

  What seems like only moments later, I startle awake to Holt sitting on the edge of my bed, shaking me.

  “Hey, you,” I say to him. “What time is it? Did you just get back?”

  “Yeah, baby, it’s late. Listen, I need you to wake up. Sit up for me, okay? I need to talk to you.”

  The urgency in his voice scares me. I sit up, wide awake now. My heart is beating fast.

  “Baby, I found the doctor.”

  I’m speechless at first. That was not what I was expecting to come out his mouth. But then what he said registers. “You did? Oh my God.” I jump into his arms, hugging him then pull back. His body is stiff. I can see in his face that something’s not right. “Where is he? When can I talk to him?”

  Holt hesitates and lets out a sigh before answering me. “I can’t tell you where he’s at. You can’t see him either. It’s complicated, baby. He’s going to be calling you on your cell in about five minutes, but he won’t be able to talk to you long, okay?”

  I blow out a breath as I push away from him. Frustrated as hell with all this secrecy. “So you know where he’s at? You’ve seen him, but I can’t?” I’m so close to tears, my voice is cracking. “Holt, I just want to know that he’s okay. I gotta have that.”

  He grabs my hands and cradles them within his own. “Babe, that’s why he’s calling you. I told him you needed to hear his voice. To know that he’s okay.”

  The tears are streaming now. “Well, how did he look? Can you at least tell me that, damn it?”

  “He looked okay, babe. Tired, but okay.”

  My phone rings, and I jump, my heart exploding in my chest.

  Holt moves in close, dropping my hands and brushing my hair away from my neck. “It’s okay, baby. He’s the same man you’ve known all these years. Just answer the phone. Talk to him. Ease your mind.”

  I take a deep breath and answer. “Hello?”

  “Niki, sweetheart, I am so sorry. It seems you’ve been pulled into the middle of all this. Your friend has promised me he’s taking good care of you until Mr. Calhoun leaves town.”

  Wait, what? He’s in Coral Springs? Does Holt know this? Damn it. I look over at him, certain he’s overheard what Doc just said to me, and his facial expression answers my question. I force my attention back to Doc C.

  “So, Niki, I need you to promise me that you’ll do as Mr. Maddox says and stay safe. It would kill me if any harm came to you because of me. Mr. Calhoun is not a very nice man. Unfortunately, I know this firsthand.” He lets out a deep breath and the phone is silent for a moment. “I only hope you don’t think any less of me right now. I promise you if I get the chance in the future, I will explain all this to you. How I got into this mess. I know everything is going well at the hospital, so I’m not worried about that. I knew from the first time I laid eyes on you that you were destined to be a leader. I have to go now, Niki. Goodbye, my dear...”

  “Doctor, wait! Wait, I have to—”

  He’s already gone.

  I glare at Holt with my phone still resting in my limp hand. I’m lightheaded, and suddenly know I’m going to throw up. I barely make it to the bathroom before retching with so much force my ribcage feels as if it’s coming apart.

  Holt rushes in after me and bends down beside me, holding my hair back. “What the fuck? Baby, are you okay? Relax, baby. Calm down.”

  I push myself up and pull away from him. “Get out!”

  The blood drains from his face, and he stares at me, but he takes two steps back, enough for me to slam the door. I fight the urge to throw up again, but the shock and suddenness of everything that’s just happened takes me over. I drop back to my knees and lunge over the toilet, desperate for it to pass.

  After throwing up twice more, I slowly get to my feet then wash my face and brush my teeth to get the taste of bile out of my mouth.

  I pull the door to the bathroom open and look for Holt. He’s sitting on my bed, waiting. I charge him right away, angry as hell. “Please tell me you did not know that Vinnie Calhoun was here, in town?”

  “Nicolette, I did, but listen—”

  “No, damn it. You listen!” I yell. “If we’re going to make this work,” I point to myself then him, “then you can’t keep stuff from me, especially if it involves me.” I throw my hands up as I grunt. “I mean, don’t you think I had the right to know? You leave here, you go wherever, I have no clue. I lie in this bed, wondering if you’re coming back to me or not, not knowing what kind of danger you’re walking into, because you don’t tell me anything. I don’t ask questions because you told Aunt Helen you don’t want me around this. It kills me not knowing, but this, Holt, not telling me stuff that involves me? That’s wrong, and you know it.”

  He sits there for a moment, I guess taking everything in and considering his response. “Babe, I didn’t tell you, because I didn’t want you to worry. I see how you are already. Always looking over your shoulder, constantly jumping when you hear a sudden noise. You’re scared. I know. It fucking kills me that I can’t get that out of you, and I sure as fuck am not gonna add to it by letting you know that piece of shit is closer than you think. I don’t like knowing that you lie in bed worrying about me, babe, but I can’t do anything about it. This is my job. This is me. It’s all I know. I promise you, though, that every night I will make it home to you. Every fucking night, babe. There’s n
o other place for me.”

  I close my eyes, still feeling a little queasy. “Okay, Holt, so maybe I can understand why you kept it from me, but you can’t do that. You just can’t. Whether it freaks me out or not, I deserve to know. Can you understand how I feel? Can you promise me from now on if you know something you’ll tell me?”

  He gazes into my eyes with a tender, yet troubled, look. He pulls me down to sit on his lap and traces the line of my jaw with his finger. “I promise, babe.”

  I force a smile. It’s a small victory, but I’m proud of myself for standing my ground. Not easy when it comes to him. At the moment, though, my victory seems pointless. Knowing Vinnie is still out there, lurking, controls my thoughts. And my fear.

  I’d thought hearing Doc’s voice, knowing he was okay, would calm me. It didn’t. What did he do? Why is Vinnie Calhoun after him? His voice did seem relaxed, as if he wasn’t in immediate danger, but Holt said he look tired, drained, and he sounded the same.

  Something tells me this isn’t over. It’s just the beginning of whatever’s going on with Doc, and now, with Holt caught up in it, thanks to me, I’m going to get answers.

  “Come on, babe, let’s get you back to bed. You got work tomorrow.”

  Holt slides me off his lap and lays me down, covering me up. I try to pull away from him, no way I can sleep, but my body aches. I lift myself up, but he stops me.

  “You need to sleep, babe. I’m here. Not going anywhere.”

  I drop my head on my pillow and pull the covers up to my chest, my heart heavy with worry. I watch as Holt undresses down to his boxers, loving the view but too tired and too preoccupied with fear for Doc C to get aroused. He slides in behind me, spooning me. With his warmth, his closeness, the feeling of being safe in his arms, I instantly fall asleep.

  ****