by K. C. Lynn
I try like hell to push away the old feelings and emotions, but the moment she brings her head forward, her beautiful, green eyes crash directly with mine and it hits me like a blow to the fucking chest, making it hard to pull in a full breath. Her eyes widen in shock and she stares at me for a moment, deciding whether she should come closer or not. The hurt and the uncertainty in her gaze has guilt threatening to choke me.
Starting toward her, she only hesitates for another moment before walking to meet me halfway. We stand only a few feet from the water, and as she stares up at me with her sad, innocent eyes I have to clench my hands at my side to stop myself from pulling her to me.
“I’m sorry.” I start with an apology then clear my throat when I hear how gruff I sound. “You caught me by surprise.”
“Oh, really? Because I was totally expecting to see you.”
I ignore her sarcasm, knowing I deserve it. “I know. Like I said, I’m sorry.”
A moment later she drops her gaze and kicks at the sand nervously. “So I guess this means you don’t live in California anymore.”
“No. After we…” I was about to say after we got out of the rehabilitation clinic, but decide against it. “Sawyer and I came here to see Jaxson about a year ago. Then the opportunity of owning the gym was offered to the three of us and we accepted.”
“You’re not in the Navy anymore?” she whispers, her voice sounding sadder than it did a minute ago.
“No.”
She nods but keeps her head down. “My father was offered the job of Senior Pastor at Peace Hill Church. He took it so we could be close to Katelyn and my cousin Kolan.”
I nod then realize she can’t see me, since she still isn’t looking at me. “I know. I remember hearing Katelyn talk about it last fall over Thanksgiving. We were both at Jaxson and Julia’s for supper. Clearly, I had no fucking idea that it was you she was talking about.”
She mumbles something that I don’t catch, which I’m pretty sure was on purpose. “What’s that?”
“Nothing,” she mumbles again, clearly meaning something.
I start feeling annoyed, and I’m about to press her on it when a small breeze kicks up. I watch goosebumps break out across her smooth, flawless skin before she crosses her arms over herself. My eyes are drawn to her wet tank and shorts that cling to her every curve and I curse my dick when it stirs at the sight. “Come on. I’ll drive you home.”
She shakes her head. “No, it’s fine. I need to dry off and the sun will do that as I walk home.”
I glare down at the top of her head. “You’re not walking home like that. Just grab your shit and I’ll drive you.”
Her head snaps up and fire flashes in her eyes. “I said, I will walk!”
“And I said I’m fucking driving you!”
We both glare off, and as annoyed as I am about how fucking stubborn she’s being, I’d rather see this fire in her eyes over sadness. I quickly realize we are not going to get anywhere like this. Letting out a frustrated breath, I try a different tactic. “Listen it’s not a big deal, just let me drive you home or at least take you back to Katelyn… Please,” I add, remembering the few times she lectured me on my fucking manners.
Thankfully it does the trick, her eyes soften a little before she drops her gaze and nods. “All right.”
After grabbing her socks and shoes she follows me to the truck, but keeps her head down the entire time, which is really starting to piss me off. When we get to my truck, I unlock the door and open it for her.
She hesitates. “I’m going to get your seat all wet.”
“It’s doesn’t matter, Red, it’s leather.”
Her head snaps up and I quickly realize what I just said. Something passes between us as we stare at each other a moment, the use of her nickname bringing up old shit. She drops her gaze again quickly, and thankfully manages to get up into the truck herself. Because if I had to touch her, and help her up, I’m not sure I would be able to control myself. Closing her door, I walk over and get in on my side.
“Back to Katelyn at the gym?”
Staring out her window, she shakes her head and doesn’t look at me when she answers. “No, home please.” I hesitate for a second; not wanting her to be alone right now, but then decide it’s not my business. I start following her directions and realize she’s not too far from me. Fucking perfect… this just keeps getting better and better.
The ride to her house is silent, which is normally the way I like things, but right now I fucking hate it. When I pull into her driveway a few minutes later, I take in the small, single-family house and notice no other vehicles around. I assume she’s living alone and not with her parents. I want to ask her but decide against it, the less I know the easier it will be.
“Thanks for the ride,” she mumbles quietly while gathering her shoes.
For some reason, the thought of her walking away right now, after going so long without seeing her, sends panic through my chest. Say something, you shithead… “Look, Faith, I…”
She throws her hand up. “Don’t. Don’t say anything. You don’t need to worry. I will try avoiding anywhere you may be. I can’t promise I’ll never run into you, but I will try my best.”
What the fuck? I grab her arm before she can get out of the truck and I ignore the awareness that shoots through my fucking body at the simple contact. “What the fuck does that mean?”
She rips her arm away like it’s on fire. “It means I got your message loud and clear two years ago.”
I grind my teeth with frustration, and know I should explain why I did it, but it’s not something I want to get into. Not now and probably not ever. “Listen, you don’t need to do that. It’s a small town and we’re going to run into each other eventually, it’s unavoidable.” She drops her head and starts picking at her shoe. “Besides, I don’t go to many places other than the gym, so it shouldn’t happen often anyways.” Well fuck, that did not come out right at all…
She shakes her head and laughs bitterly. “Duly noted. Thanks again for the ride.”
Before I can dig myself out, she hops out of the truck and slams the door. The burning sensation in my chest, at watching her walk away, has me wanting to go after her, but I don’t, because I know in the end it’s for the best.
CHAPTER 7
Faith
A few hours later I’m headed to the church to see my dad. I decided to walk rather than drive, wanting the warmth of the sun and the fresh air to help soothe my heavy heart.
After Cade dropped me off, I had crashed on my couch from being emotionally exhausted, but I was awoken shortly after by Katelyn’s worried phone call. She apologized profusely, feeling guilty that she didn’t realize sooner. But really how could any of us have anticipated this? Katelyn knows all about the man I fell for in Iraq and that he was one of the Navy SEALs who rescued me, but after we talked about it, I realized I never spoke of his name to her. I barely spoke his name to myself… it hurt too much. It still does.
I think back to the way my heart turned over in my chest, at seeing him standing on the beach when I emerged from the water. Wearing black athletic pants, a dark grey athletic shirt and with a pair of aviators on, he stood strong and beautiful. He looked exactly how I remembered when I first met him; except for the black beanie he wore. That was new.
The strong feelings that have never gone away, but I had buried deep, materialized fast and hard. I wanted, more than anything, to run to him, throw my arms around him and tell him how much I missed him. But all I could do was stand and stare at him, still not believing that after all this time he was really there, right in front of me.
After his reaction at the gym, I knew the way I was feeling was not reciprocated. I’m still surprised he had come to find me, let alone apologize. The Cade I remember from two years ago wasn’t one who easily apologized. On the car ride home I had wanted to say so much to him. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was for what he and his friends went through because of me, I wanted to thank h
im for saving my life and, most of all, I wanted to ask why he refused me in the hospital. But if I am being honest, I’m not sure I’m strong enough to bear the truth of his answers.
Shaking my head, I let out a shaky breath and try not to think about it anymore. When the church comes into view, I speed up, desperately needing to see my dad.
Joshua Williams is the very best man I know, and even though I’m very close with both of my parents, and my papa who has lived with us since my grandma passed away, it’s me and my dad who have a special bond. One that I don’t share with anyone else.
As I enter through the big, wooden doors of the church, he comes walking out of his office carrying a box. “Hey, sweetheart. How was…” He trails off when he looks at me, and by his expression I know the pain I’m feeling is written all over my face. Dropping the box, he starts over to me, and I waste no time rushing into his arms. “Faith, honey, what’s wrong?”
My throat burns with emotion, making it difficult to talk. “I just need you to hold me for a minute,” I mumble into his chest.
He hugs me tighter, his hands rubbing soothing circles on my back. The familiar warmth of his comfort has me letting out my first deep breath since seeing Cade this morning. Keeping an arm around me, my dad walks us over to one of the pews, that’s dusty from renovations, and sits down. “Talk to me, my girl.”
I lay my head back on his arm that’s around my shoulders, and stare up into his concerned green eyes. “You’re never going to believe it.”
“Try me.”
“You know how Katelyn took me to her friend’s husband’s gym this morning for that self-defense class?” He nods. “Well, the men who own it are the same men who rescued me in Iraq.”
His eyes widen in shock and disbelief, just like I knew they would. He blows out a big breath. “Whoa.”
“I know. Two of them are her friend’s husbands and the third one… was him,” I whisper sadly. I don’t need to elaborate because he knows that I’m talking about Cade.
“Well that must have been quite the shock on all of you, to say the least.” I nod, my throat feeling too tight to speak again. “How did you handle it?”
I laugh, even though there’s nothing funny at all about this situation. “Not well. I recognized the one guy fairly quickly, and tried getting out of there before he could recognize me but instead I drew more attention to myself before running smack into Cade.” I pause a moment and swallow thickly. “It was such a nightmare, Dad.”
“I’m sure it wasn’t easy on any of you.”
I shake my head. “No, it wasn’t and seeing Cade after all this time…” I trail off when my voice cracks.
My dad clears his own throat and I know this conversation is about to become more intense, and probably a little awkward. “Faith, honey, I never asked you much about him because I knew it hurt you too much to talk about it. I know you met him before everything happened, and that you were quite taken with him, but… Just how close did you become with him?” Even though this is just as uncomfortable for me as it is for my dad, I stare right into his eyes and let him see the truth. He lets out another heavy breath and drops his head back next to mine. “Oh boy.”
“I’m sorry, Dad,” I begin quietly, “I know you’re probably really disappointed and wanted me to wait until I was married, but…”
He puts his hand up. “Well no, that isn’t necessarily true. I think, like most dads, I really hoped that, married or not, you would never, ever do that.” I quirk an eyebrow at him and he chuckles. “But I also know that is not logical, and if there is one thing I know more than anything in this world, it’s that I trust you to make the right decisions for yourself. You’re a good girl, Faith, the best I’ve ever known.” A tear slips free at hearing him say that and he wipes it away with his thumb. “So let me ask you a question: do you regret it?”
I quickly shake my head. “No, and I never could. That’s what I was about to tell you. Not only because he is the only man I’ve ever felt this deeply for, but also because he showed me what it was like to be touched in a way that wasn’t cruel or forceful.” My breath hitches and my tears fall faster. “I thank God every day that I got to experience a loving touch like his before what was taken from me.”
I watch my dad’s jaw clench and his eyes brim red with unshed tears before he pulls me into him. I wrap my arms around his waist and let my tears flow freely, soaking his shirt. “Everything is going to be okay now, Faith. This is a new beginning for all of us, but especially you.”
“I thought so,” I choke into his chest. “I thought for sure I had a bright new future here, but now with Cade also being here…” I trail off, not being able to finish the sentence.
“Did you ever stop to think that maybe he’s supposed to be a part of that future? Because if you ask me, honey, it seems this could be the work of God bringing you two together again.”
Pulling back, I wipe my eyes, “I don’t think so, Dad. If you would have seen his reaction at seeing me…” I shake my head sadly. “He can barely stand to look at me.”
“I’m not so sure about that. How can anyone have a hard time looking at you?” I roll my eyes and know the man is biased, since he’s my dad. He chuckles and kisses my forehead.
Looking at him more seriously, I share my biggest fear. “I’m not sure if it’s because he blames me, or because he can’t stand to know what they did to me.”
His eyes flash with sympathy. “Oh, Faith. If he’s as smart as I think he is, then I’ll bet it isn’t either of those things. None of what happened is your fault, and you have nothing to feel ashamed about.”
After a long time of working with Dr. Mathews I know that logically, but sometimes I still can’t help but feel guilty when I think about all the people who were hurt or killed as part of my capture. Beth, Cade, his friends and most of all Aadil… I squeeze my eyes shut and try to block the memory from resurfacing, knowing I’m not in any condition right now to deal with it. I reopen them when my dad wipes away more of my tears.
“You were really that taken with this man?”
“If I thought it was possible to fall in love with someone in a week, then I would tell you I loved him.” And probably still do… but I keep that part to myself.
“Anything is possible. I knew I loved your mother right away. I also knew I would make her my wife. Thankfully, it didn’t take me long to convince her of the same thing.”
His proud smile brings one of my own. “Yeah, thankfully. Otherwise you would have never got to experience what it’s like to have the perfect child.”
He chuckles. “You are most definitely right about that.” I giggle, and for the first time today my heart feels a little lighter.
My dad’s expression turns somber once again. “Everything will work out, Faith, you’ll see. Sometimes God knows what’s right for us before we do. In the meantime, focus on your goals and dreams for what we have in store here. The rest will fall into place, and like I always say… have faith.” Giving my hand one more squeeze, he kisses my cheek then picks up his box and heads to do whatever it was he was doing when I arrived.
I decide to sit for a little longer, and when my gaze moves to the beautiful, pearl white statue of Jesus I begin to pray. I pray to God for strength, for guidance and most of all, I pray for all of us to heal.
Suddenly, the sound of a throat being cleared breaks my attention, and I turn to find Christopher standing behind me. I quickly wipe away any remainder tears, and his usual brooding expression turns a little softer when he notices I’ve been crying.
“Uh, sorry,” he apologizes quietly. “You didn’t hear me come in. I just need to know where you want me.”
I stand up and force a smile on my face. “It’s no problem. Let me find out what my dad needs done.”
As soon as the reply leaves my mouth, my dad walks back in. “Oh, hi, Christopher.” Christopher barely acknowledges his greeting, but my dad pretends he doesn’t notice. He isn’t one who is easily offended.
Christopher stiffens, probably hoping it won’t be something we will both do together, since he usually avoids me like the plague. Thankfully though, my dad knows I’ve been trying to get to know him.
“Well, the entrance is ready to be painted, if you guys could start on that so I can keep working in my office that would be great.”
“Sure,” I agree easily. Christopher is less than enthused with the idea, but he follows anyway and we quickly get everything set up.
I bring in the old church stereo so we can listen to music while we work. I’m just about to ask him what station he listens to when he says, “Look, you don’t have to help me do this. I can manage on my own, and get a good portion done before I have to leave.”
“Oh that’s okay,” I reply, acting as if he only said it to be nice, rather than trying to get rid of me. “I’ve had a really crappy day so I’d like to work, to keep my mind off things.”
He grunts. “Yeah, I’ll just bet you know how crappy life can be.”
I try not to let that remark sting, knowing he has no idea, but before I can stop it a small bitter laugh escapes. “Oh, Christopher, you have no idea.” I feel the weight of his stare, but I don’t look over or elaborate. Instead, I turn on the radio and put it to a station I think he might listen to. Since he isn’t in any kind of mood to talk, I stay silent and paint. When Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida” comes on a few minutes later, I begin to sing.
I turn to pour more paint in my tray and see Christopher watching me in utter disbelief. “A church chick like you knows Coldplay?” he asks doubtfully.
I ignore his church girl comment. “Of course. I know all genres of music. I am seriously the queen of music,” I brag proudly. He grunts, not believing me. “It’s true. Name any band and I’ll tell you everything about them.”