by Grady, D. R.
“I did everything and anything I could do to look like a normal, shiftless guy. Anything to throw off the scent of that loose end.”
Janine’s mouth flattened into a grim line. “You knew they’d be back.” She rose and padded to his chair where she perched on the arm and placed a warm hand on his shoulder.
“And they were. I got every one of them, eventually. But Janine, the cost was too high.” Greg whispered and his voice gave nothing and probably everything away. “In that one act I’d lost the woman I loved, and my son.”
“Yes.” He stared at her, wanting, or maybe needing her to understand that signing on with him would lead her down the exact same path that had caused Miranda’s death.
Her hand tightened. “Greg, I understand what you’re trying to tell me. But you know life isn’t exactly going to be safe for you if you date me, either.”
“What?”
“I haven’t led a pure life. I’ve made some powerful enemies over the years, too. Plus, I’m a member of the Morrison family.”
“I think I’d rather take on your enemies than your family.”
“Right,” Janine answered with a wry grin. “My family is daunting at best. But their intentions are good.”
“I can appreciate that.” He leaned back in his chair, taking her hand with him, nudging her a little closer. The air around him crackled with tension and oozed despair. He couldn’t stop it, didn’t even try.
“I’ll never forget Miranda’s last breath. I won’t forget the scent of her blood so heavy on the air. Or of death. Death has a definite odor and it hung heavy that night. Only two of the eleven of us made it out alive.
“Ryan must have understood the need for quiet because he didn’t cry. I’ve never been so scared in all my life as that night. Taking him to safety was the only thought I had. I don’t remember how we even got there, but I do remember thinking I’d just left the woman I loved in a bloody, stinking apartment with a bunch of dead killers.”
Greg sucked in a ragged breath, trying to fill his lungs. Sometimes breathing was all you could do. “I knew I was responsible for her death.”
He was surprised when Janine’s hand slid down his arm to clasp his hand. “She chose the life she lived. I’m sure she understood the dangers of consorting with you. I doubt she cared, Greg. Obviously you fulfilled her or she wouldn’t have committed to you or had a child with you.”
He offered a broken laugh. “We didn’t plan on Ryan. He just sort of came along. When we least expected it.”
“Were you happy?”
“Yeah. Happier than I ever remember being.”
“Do you think Miranda was unhappy?”
“No, I think she was as happy as me.”
“Then why do you think she regretted her life with you? Don’t you believe that even if she knew her life’s outcome, she still would have made the decision to be with you?”
Greg turned to stare into Janine’s knowing amber eyes. He’d never thought of Miranda choosing to be him, even though death was a possible side effect. “I don’t know.”
“I do. I’m certain Miranda wouldn’t have chosen the career she did if she had a fear of death. I don’t think she would have dated you if she had been the fearful type. She knew when she married you that you had made powerful enemies. I don’t doubt she made a few of her own. She chose to be with you knowing all that.”
“She didn’t fear much,” Greg said, thinking about some of the times they had shared before that awful night.
“What did she fear?”
Greg turned again to stare into Janine’s eyes. “Loneliness.”
She nodded. “Many people fear that. It’s a powerful depressant.”
“Miranda was one of the strongest people I knew. She embraced life, and loved it, but I think you’re right. I never got the impression she feared death. I always thought instead that she’d accept it when her time came.”
“So it came earlier than either of you expected, and you had to witness her death. But you know, I doubt she blamed you.” Her hand now smoothed up and down his arm. Soothing him.
“Even as she took her last breath, she told me she loved me. She died loving me and the baby we had created together.” Greg clenched his hands into tight fists. How he longed to relive that night. He ached to alter the outcome, so that Miranda would still live. So she could hold Ryan and raise him. But that would never happen. Still, he knew a small measure of peace now that he had told his ugliest secret to Janine. One strong woman would recognize another.
Her hand tightened on his arm. “She doesn’t sound like a woman who blamed you. You can’t keep burdening yourself with this, Greg.”
“Why not? It was my fault.”
“Miranda signed on anyway, knowing your enemies might do exactly what they did. I don’t think she regretted her decision. Even in death, it sounds like she accepted the consequences of her choices. That’s a woman to revere, not regret.”
Greg felt the bleakness howling through his soul, trying to steal the sliver of peace Janine had created for him. “That’s what I’ve done, isn’t it? Regretted our time together.”
“Exactly. When you should have been savoring it. Your time was cut short, yes. But you were still granted a love that most people never know.”
The winds whipped at him, trying to shred him, but Greg stood firm. They could come. The netherworld could beckon him, but he wouldn’t give in. Miranda had made the choice to be with him. To love him. She’d known the danger, but she had gladly embraced him, nonetheless. The vines tried to snag him, but Greg kicked at them.
He didn’t deserve a trip to Hades for his deeds that night. Maybe he couldn’t save Miranda, but she had died with love on her lips. She had died with love in her heart. That meant that he couldn’t continue to blame himself. She wouldn’t want that.
Miranda hadn’t consigned him to the nether regions. He had done that himself. She wouldn’t have ever sent him there, and she’d have been angry with him for his angst now. Greg had to wrestle with his own guilt and grief before he could be free of the torment and pull that plagued him. He still had to work through all their decisions from that night.
He had saved their son, even as he couldn’t save Miranda. “Giving Ryan to KC was the hardest thing I’d ever done, after holding Miranda while she died.”
“You did what you had to do to keep Ryan safe. You had no choice.”
“There’s always a choice,” he returned vehemently.
“Yes. You could have chosen to keep Ryan and then watch him die too. Or you could do exactly what you did and give him to KC after burying his parentage as deep as you did.” Janine’s voice never rose, but he heard the same intensity in her tone that he felt.
“Heck of a choice, wasn’t it?”
“You did the right thing.”
He leapt from the chair and paced. Greg couldn’t remember ever needing to pace before, but since he’d returned to Hershey, the need was overwhelming. He didn’t even care if his movement drew fire. So what.
“Some choice.” He gave up his son. “KC thinks I’m a wastrel, as do all the Morrisons. By doing the right thing, everyone has the poorest possible opinion of me. That never mattered to me before.” He reached the far wall and then spun on his heel to traverse the expanse of floor. “Until now.”
“KC doesn’t think you’re a loser.”
Greg whirled to face her. “What?”
“She recognized you that night you landed on my ER table. I think she’s known for a long time that you had a good reason to give up your son. Seeing you with those injuries I think caused her to think.”
“Does she suspect what I do?” Greg spanned the distance between them and dropped to a knee as he grasped Janine’s arms. His heart thumped a painful tattoo at the thought of the danger to KC.
“Yes. I believe she suspects you were a secret operative, but being the loyal military woman she is, she didn’t ask awkward questions.”
“Janine, even though I�
��m retired, everyone is still in danger. I have lots of enemies.”
Janine didn’t pale, didn’t fidget. She merely raised a delicate eyebrow at him. “You think KC and I don’t have enemies? We both served in the United States Navy. We both did tours of Kuwait. You think there aren’t people who hate us?”
Greg released her and thrust to his feet to continue pacing. Moving draws fire, a familiar voice reminded him but he brushed it off. If he was going to be a regular civilian, now was a good time to start practicing and right now he needed to move. Normal people paced. So he wasn’t very good at it, but he could at least try.
“I’m sure you have enemies. But will they come after you?” he asked.
“I don’t know. Greg, any of us could die in a car accident. Or from a huge number of other things. The possibilities are endless.” She waved a random hand at the outside world.
“What are you saying?”
“There’s danger surrounding us even if we are regular people. We have no guarantees.”
“The enemies I’ve made are not nice people.”
“Neither are mine. In fact, I suspect several of them are the same.”
Her calm serenity made him want to throw something. The urge was so unlike him the feeling nearly choked him. How did she maintain such an inner peace? Didn’t she understand the incredible danger that continually stalked him?
“I understand we’re in potential danger all the time. But if we allow fear in, it’ll paralyze us. We can’t afford to be inactive. All we can do is remain alert.”
He nodded and continued to eat up the area between him and the floor space he’d selected for his pacing. “Remaining alert might not save us.”
“No. It might not have saved Miranda that night, either. Her ticket got punched because it was her time. You can’t stop death when it comes to call. If it’s our turn, it’s going to happen.”
Her words made his stomach muscles clench and Greg had to prod his lungs to suck in air. Breathe. Keep breathing, he reminded himself. He wanted to prevent as many deaths as he could. Too much spilled blood already.
“If I can prevent an untimely death, I will,” he said through clenched teeth.
Janine rose with the gracefulness of a cat. She floated across the floor to him. When she laid a warm hand on his arm, Greg started. She seemed to have no trouble touching him. And he savored her nearness. But was it enough?
“Of course you’ll prevent a death. If you can. But Greg, you’re no superhero. You’re human just like the rest of us. The same laws that dictate our actions also dictate yours. You have to live by those same rules.”
Her amber eyes burned into him – they pierced his soul. He wondered if she could feel the emptiness that skulked there. Could she feel the dark winds blowing?
“I have skills—”
“So do I.”
Greg almost stepped back, so intense was the depth of her emotion. Her eyes burned through him, like amber lasers bent on severing him from the ties that bound him.
“My skills are to prevent death.” He held his ground.
“So are mine. I’ve fought the grim reaper as often as you have. If not more. I’m good, Greg, better than most. But I still lost a nineteen year old Marine my first week in Kuwait. I still lost countless other men while there. I still lost the thirteen year old girl in Johannesburg my second day on the job. She’d been raped. By a family member. Brutally raped, and she bled to death. I couldn’t prevent her death, even though I fought harder than I ever have before to keep her alive.”
Greg turned and stared into her bleak eyes. He saw she relived those hours. It comforted him that he wasn’t the only one who revisited the dank underworld. That Janine was familiar with his world spread a warmth that dissipated some of the cold threatening to overwhelm him.
“I have blood on my hands, Janine.” He watched her eyes, waiting for the disgust to shine in those amazing amber pools.
“So do I.” Her calm voice rattled him.
“You’re a doctor.”
“Yes, but I’m also retired U.S. Navy.”
“You understand?”
“Yes,” she whispered, and he heard the searing pain in her voice. Greg reached out and folded her close. Her body shuddered and he tugged her closer. He swallowed, because he could only imagine how her malevolent past must tear at her. The terrible decisions she had made that had shaped the person she was today.
The winds of the underworld died down, and Greg felt like he could think again. They calmed enough that he saw a familiar figure in the same world. Janine stood a few paces from him, as caught in the vines as he.
“Maybe we can escape this together,” he offered.
A sad smile lit her face. “You have to be willing to try living again. Are you willing? Will you step into the light with me? Date me?”
Fear pierced him and the vines snapped around his ankles. He revisited the night of Miranda’s death and heard her death rattle.
He swallowed. He couldn’t condemn Janine to the same fate.
Even as he thought that, he saw her there in the shadowland raise one elegant hand to him. An offering. Yours to take, or resist, she offered silently. The warmth of her body against him was like forbidden fruit he could suddenly have. The heat in her gaze was a salve on a wound that refused to heal.
Her hand remained steady as she waited for him to take her hand so she could lead him into the sun.
Maybe a stronger man could resist such a gift.
Chapter 23
Janine clicked on the email and watched as it downloaded. She frowned as she read the quick note.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Information
Dear J,
Thanks for signing my guestbook. Just wondering why you checked out my site? I couldn’t help but notice your last name. Could we be related? I don’t have many relations, so a relative or two would be welcome. There’s just me and my sister left now.
I’m checking out people who visit my site because some weird things have been happening and your last name caught my attention. Thanks.
Jonathan Morris
Janine swallowed before she hit the reply tab.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject:Re:Information
Hello Jonathan,
Thank you for your e-mail. I visited your website because I’m searching for a long lost relative. His name was John Morrison, but we suspect he used the name John Morris. He would have disappeared, we believe, between eighty and ninety years ago from the Hershey, Pennsylvania area.
We don’t think he’s likely still alive, as he’d be in his hundreds. But we do have Aunt Tilly, who’s close to that. She would be his younger sister. Aunt Tilly is in excellent health, so if he’s like her, he could be too.
The suspicion is that he left on a ship from Baltimore and landed on an island in the Caribbean. I have located a biological brother who was adopted by one of the Morrison family of Hershey. Only to discover we share some genes with them. We’re trying to determine whether we are Morrisons biologically or not.
Any information you might have to share about John Morris, aged between 99-105 would be welcome.
Sincerely,
Janine Morris
She hesitated, then hit the reply button. Her heart pounded a rhythm not unlike the pounding of some of the villager’s drums from her homeland. If she sniffed the air, she wondered if she’d smell coconuts and sand. Not that she exactly missed the land of her birth, not since landing in the bosom of the Morrison clan.
Janine hadn’t expected her family search to coalesce so quickly. Could it be as easy as a random e-mail in her inbox? Because if this man could provide answers... she and Ben might biologically be Morrisons.
A true, blood family. That sent her thoughts into a different type of family. About a man in her life in the romantic sense and whether she could handle that on top of all those in her life
currently.
Would sharing her space with a male be any more difficult than a double tour of Kuwait, God-forsaken land that it was? It shouldn’t be. But now that Greg Gilmore had erupted into her life, and kissed her, the nebulous stakes had been raised. There was more of a chance of something substantial happening between them. He was willing to explore this with her.
An image of Greg’s face formed in her mind and Janine closed her eyes to better see him. How hard would it be sharing her space with him? Greg seemed to need space as much as she did.
But what if he didn’t want to share his life with her?
She also suspected he wouldn’t stay in Hershey. Could she leave it? She needed her house. Needed the security it provided. Leaving this place would prove next to impossible. Provided she was even offered the choice.
Greg might move on and not invite her to leave with him. In the event he did extend the invitation to join him, could she go?
Could she stand his nomadic life? Janine shook her head. She didn’t think so. Her home and her life in Hershey had come to mean too much to her. Her family was as integrated within her, regardless of a biological connection or not, as her home.
It had taken her all these years to figure out, but Janine finally realized she needed the stability of a home. She needed to be able to decompress in the same place every day. In a way, this house had become another special place to her. The structure had taken on another type of refuge.
Janine didn’t think she could give up her family, home, and the security she had finally won. But wouldn’t Greg provide a different type of security? He touched her like no one else ever had.
He hadn’t mentioned leaving, so maybe she shouldn’t jump the gun. Why was she thinking about all this right now? Janine shoved the thoughts from her mind because she couldn’t deal with them. They were trying to steal her peace. She instead turned back to her desk and picked up the phone.
General Emma would be very interested in this information, as would the rest of the family. Lainy and Emma could stop their searches if this Jonathan Morris proved to be their missing family.