‘He’s gorgeous,’ she said. ‘Those curls. How old is he?’
Tommy looked up and she could see pride in his eyes. It moved her, and she thought of Jez, wanting to be a father. ‘He’s five. It’s so great to see you, Phoebe.’
She felt a wave of affection for Tommy, a warm nostalgia that wasn’t accompanied by the complications of romantic feeling.
‘And your wife’s here?’
‘Jenna’s on gin and tonic duty.’ He nodded towards the house and then at Harry. ‘I like to give her a bit of a break, you know.’
Phoebe nodded, ‘Of course.’
‘He loves swimming but doesn’t like water going in his eyes so it’s a bit of a challenge with Uncle Jez doing bombs, isn’t it?’ Tommy said.
She laughed, her eyes seeking out Jez. He was star-limbed on his back in the deep end with Asha and Flick. Asha’s hair floated out from her head like pale mermaid tendrils. She was such a beautiful woman. Maybe that’s what had made Jez stay so long. That and his loyalty. He was made of something solid, something simple. She couldn’t blame him for not wanting to move to Sydney with her when they were young. She could see now that this was where he belonged.
Flick lifted her head out of the water and waved.
‘Are you coming in?’ asked Jez.
Relief flowed through her; he didn’t hate her for sending him away. ‘Didn’t bring my cozzie.’
‘Just jump in, in what you’re wearing,’ said Asha, her voice a challenge.
Phoebe had hoped that Asha might have cooled off, but the tension was still there, still raw.
‘Go on,’ said Flick, her voice more friendly. ‘We won’t care.’
Phoebe wiped a lick of water across the back of her neck. It felt so good. So cool. The afternoon was like a furnace and she longed to escape it. Something in her body released then. She wasn’t going to let Asha spoil what might be her last time here. She kicked off her thongs and steadied herself on the edge of the pontoon. She remembered doing back-flips as a kid, the feeling vibrant and zinging in her chest and limbs.
‘I think this is our cue to exit,’ said Tommy, lifting Harry up onto the edge and pulling himself up to a seated position. She noticed that his body was hard and sinewy, probably not like many other dads nudging forty.
‘We’ll get the cheese platter out and make a start on this beer. Thanks, Phoebe,’ said the Texan, helping Wendy out of the water and picking up the six-pack.
Phoebe knew the topography of this dam as well as she’d known Jez’s body. Its dips and depth; where you could dive and touch the bottom, where you had to tread carefully for sticks. Where the eels lived. She did a shallow dive and the cool enveloped her head and body, cascading through her, making her whoop to the surface. She craned her head to the sky and floated, feeling the lip of the water caress her legs, her arms. It was so easy to forget how weightless the body was in water; the simple pleasure of it. Karin came to her mind, as she so often did now around water. Karin had never been able to feel this easy enjoyment. For her, water was fear. Phoebe had been beside her in the river that day. There had been no kicking or screaming, just silence. Drowning was soundless. The blue-grey lips, the rolling back of Karin’s eyes, had played so many times in her head that it was a memory tattoo. Phoebe had saved her big sister, everyone said afterwards, but it always felt as though she’d failed Karin in some essential way. If only she’d noticed earlier maybe Karin would not have developed the deep phobia that had defined so much of their childhood.
Phoebe kicked over to the other three, feeling the reticence of being so close to Asha coil in her belly. ‘How nice is it in?’ she commented, keeping her distance, finding the soft muddy bottom with her toes.
‘They said it hit forty-three degrees in the Bay today. You can smell the fires,’ Jez said.
‘Where are they? Do you reckon they’re close?’ asked Phoebe.
‘As long as we’ve been here there’s never been a bushfire. That’s what? Thirty-five years,’ said Jez.
‘Just because you always think it’s going to be okay doesn’t mean it will be,’ said Asha, disappearing under the water and swimming to the other end of the dam, her legs slapping against the water’s surface.
‘She’s in a particularly delightful mood today,’ said Flick, picking a piece of reed out of her hair.
Jez snorted and wiped his hands down his face. They all watched as Asha pulled herself onto the platform, pale skin gleaming, picked up a packet of cigarettes, lit one and breathed deep. The air was so hazy that the smoke coming out of her lips was invisible. Phoebe glanced at Jez but he avoided her eyes.
‘I think maybe we’re all still recovering from the bad night’s sleep because of the boat thieves,’ said Phoebe, wanting, illogically, to excuse Asha. ‘I haven’t bothered calling the police, have you?’
‘Yeah, I mean, no, but Tommy said he’d put in some paperwork on Monday. You should report yours,’ said Jez.
‘So how long have you two known each other?’ asked Flick, her face trained skyward, her arms making small circles in the water to keep her afloat.
Phoebe looked over at Asha, who was now lying prone in the eerie orange light. It felt like a betrayal talking about the past. She met Jez’s eye and a jolt of energy passed between them. She went under, opening her eyes to the deep green-brown. Her limbs looked translucent, a dirty white. She pushed off the soft ground and glided backwards away from him.
‘How long?’ asked Jez when she broke the surface.
‘I don’t know.’ She was breathless from staying under too long.
‘Well, we’ve know each other since we were eleven, but how old were you when we got together?’ He sounded angry.
‘I don’t know, sixteen I suppose.’ Her heart was hammering against her chest. She pushed a wet strand of hair out of her face. She didn’t understand why he was being so aggressive suddenly.
‘I was your first boyfriend and you don’t know how old you were when we got together?’
What’s going on? she thought, but she looked at Flick, who seemed unperturbed. Thankfully Asha was too far away to hear. She felt trapped between Jez’s emotional barrage and Asha’s physical blocking of the dam’s exit. ‘I was sixteen. We got together in September of that year, okay? That makes it, I don’t know . . . a long time.’
‘Their family came here every school holidays after their grandparents died,’ said Jez. ‘It was a holiday romance.’
Phoebe felt the sting of his words. He knew it was far more than that. They wrote to each other during term time, spoke to each other every other night; he came up to Sydney for her birthday. For a long time they just assumed they’d get married, though the details were never fully fleshed out.
Was he punishing her for pushing him away? She felt a surge of anger. She turned to face Flick. ‘Actually, he was the love of my life.’
Flick’s eyes glazed with a faraway look and a wry little smile came onto her lips. Phoebe looked at Jez but he ducked under the water. Silence hovered over the dam, opaque as the smoky air.
‘Hey guys, you better come in,’ Tommy called from the veranda. ‘The fires, they’re getting close.’
‘Oh my God, really?’ replied Flick, swimming towards the pontoon.
Asha raised herself onto one elbow and squinted into the sun. ‘I think the dam’s the best place for us to be then,’ she said.
Flick towelled herself quickly and then linked her arm through Asha’s and they picked their way over the grass towards the house. Phoebe’s stomach turned.
Why did she just say Jez was the love of her life in front of Flick? Would she tell Asha? It was like Jez had set a trap and she’d fallen straight into it. It was true, she had thought about him many, many times over the years. Was it just the seductive spell of nostalgia?
Phoebe watched Jez pull himself up onto the pontoon and shake water from his ears. She’d been stupid to let him get to her, to let her emotions out. She raised her nose to the air. She couldn’t tell i
f the smoke was stronger or not. Things crept up on you while you thought you were safe, while you thought you had complete control. She realised she was alone in the dam with no towel and no dry clothes to change into. But the thought of going back to the cottage in this eerie halflight made her shiver. She swam towards the edge, got out, wrung her hair and walked dripping wet towards the house.
CHAPTER 10
Phoebe tiptoed across the floor of the entranceway, feeling bad to be leaving a trail of water behind her, but she stopped short when she reached the lounge. Everyone was crowded around the television. Harry was on the floor pushing his train on a track. A woman, who must have been Jenna, sat beside him, cradling a glass of wine between crossed legs. No one looked up when Phoebe entered; their eyes were fixed on footage of several homes that had been razed by fire. The newsreader’s voice was strangely emotionless as she listed the towns that had been affected, and then read out the names of several streets in the Bay that backed onto bushland and had already been evacuated. The fire was expected to worsen, with strong winds forecast overnight and tomorrow. Phoebe swallowed down the acidic taste of panic rising in her throat. She was okay here, with everyone. Tommy was in the Federal Police; he’d been in far more drastic situations than this and he no doubt stayed calm in emergencies—that was the best kind of person to be around, wasn’t it? The newsreader explained that residents in high-risk areas were being sent text messages and had the tough decision of whether to stay and protect their homes or evacuate.
‘Yeah, what about people who have no reception because they’re in the middle of the bush?’ asked Jez.
‘I’ll get some info from the fireys,’ said Tommy. ‘I’m sure we’ll be fine here. Bloody media always beating things up.’
Jenna shook her head. ‘I don’t think this is a beat-up. You just have to look outside to see how close the fires must be.’
Tommy crouched in front of her, his face close to hers. ‘Hey, look at me. Babe, do you trust me?’
Jenna’s mouth scrunched and she looked him in the eyes.
Tommy gripped her shoulders. ‘I won’t let anything happen to him, okay?’
‘Are you sure? It’s just—’
Tommy stood abruptly and clapped his hands. ‘Hey, people, can we turn off the TV now? It’s not helpful watching this. If I’ve learned anything from my job, it’s that anxiety makes everything worse.’
‘Isn’t it kind of vital information?’ asked Asha, stretching her legs out.
‘But we’re just sitting here passively. We could be doing things to get the property fire-ready,’ said Tommy.
The Texan held up a hand in protest as Tommy grabbed the remote from him. ‘Who put this guy in charge?’
He’s always been the one in charge, thought Phoebe.
Tommy disappeared down the hall and came back with a towel, holding it out to her.
‘Oh, thank you. It’s so hot I think I’m nearly dry,’ she said.
‘You should ring your family. They’ll be worried when they see the news. And you should stay here tonight—you and Wendy—just to be on the cautious side.’
Phoebe didn’t even think to question Tommy. An image came to her of him sitting high in a jacaranda tree brandishing a plastic sword and shouting orders to his ‘crew’. ‘Thanks. I might call them now if that’s okay.’
She thought of her family and a terrible idea struck her. Maybe it would be easier for them all if the cottage burned in the fires. They could move on, rather than continue with the unspoken and unresolved pain of Karin’s death. Phoebe felt a wave of fierce protection then. No, she would fight to save everything that the cottage stood for, as painful as it was. She knew Jez and Tommy would stay and fight for Driftwood. The house was more than just a building, it was the memory of their mother, full of all the small things that made up a life, but came to hold meaning after death. She wished her family thought of the cottage in the same way, instead of regarding it as a thing of shame and dead memories.
Tommy disappeared and returned with a cordless phone. Phoebe took it outside onto the front step. The air was choked with smoke now and the raucous dusk birdcall was absent, there was only the sound of the hot wind in the trees. The taste of it caught in the back of her throat and she coughed.
She knew Camilla’s mobile number by heart. She took a deep breath. They hadn’t spoken since the engagement party. Would she hold a grudge? She had too many other things going on in her life, surely.
Camilla picked up on the second ring.
‘Hello, Camilla speaking.’ Phoebe imagined her sister standing in the kitchen cooking, simultaneously orchestrating some kind of magnificent craft endeavour for the children.
‘Hi, it’s Phoebe. I’m calling from a landline.’
‘I’m putting you on speaker phone.’ She heard the clunk as Camilla put the phone down on the marble benchtop. There were the muted, indistinct voices of a television in the background. Oscar and Sophia watching cartoons probably. ‘Are you back home yet?’
Camilla was all practicality. Phoebe didn’t expect her to ask how she was coping post-Nathaniel. ‘No, I’m still down south. Have you heard about the bushfires? I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get back up the highway for work on Monday. Lots of homes have been lost already.’
‘I didn’t realise it was close to you.’
‘We’re okay now, but—’
‘You’re with someone?’
‘Oh, I’m at Jez and Tommy’s. They’re all here. Jez lives here now, with his wife. And Tommy’s here with his family. There are quite a few of us, so I think we’ll be okay. They’re not sure if the fires might come this way.’
‘Oh my God, I haven’t seen those boys since we were teenagers.’ There was a surprising warmth in Camilla’s voice. There hadn’t always been so much tension between them. Once they had been close. Once they had all been friends, in that innocent, easy way of children. Phoebe felt a pang, of the past, of what it took and didn’t give back. Of what it left behind to wonder about.
‘I know. It’s amazing. Tommy has a little boy now and Driftwood is still gorgeous.’
‘I talked to Mum today. I think she’s worried about you.’
This was the second-hand way Camilla and her mother communicated to her. Emotions were conveyed, not shown or expressed.
Usually Phoebe acquiesced and glossed over, reassured, made sure things didn’t get too messy, but there was something raw and real and immediate about being here that gave her strength. ‘What, is she worried I might end up like Karin?’
There was a long pause on the line. Phoebe didn’t know why she’d said that. She knew Camilla didn’t have the capacity to respond to it.
‘Hang on. Sorry, Oscar is pulling Sophia’s hair.’ She heard Camilla admonish the children.
‘Sorry, Phee Phee. It’s all happening here.’
Typical Camilla diversion, Phoebe thought. ‘You’re probably in the middle of dinner. I just wanted to let you know I’m okay and I won’t be back until the highway is open.’ She paused. She had been going to say sorry for ruining the engagement party and disappearing. That would be the usual dynamic—apologising for something that Camilla had coaxed her into. But she stopped herself. Camilla seemed to have decided to ignore it had ever happened, so Phoebe would too. ‘Tell Mum not to worry.’
After she’d hung up, Phoebe sat on the steps for a while. Her clothing was stiff against her skin. It was a blood orange dusk, beautiful, apocalyptic.
She heard footsteps behind her and turned.
‘You must be Phoebe.’ Jenna was slim and small, with wispy brown hair pulled into a thin ponytail. Under her eyes were the bruised smudges of parenthood.
Phoebe shifted over on the step. ‘Hi, and you’re Jenna.’
‘Do you mind? I just need to get away from all the drama on the news.’
‘No, sit.’
‘It’s a weird light, isn’t it?’ said Jenna, squinting into the haze.
‘I was just thinking how it
’s beautiful and a bit scary.’
‘It’s good that you’re here rather than up at your place, alone.’
‘Do you think you’ll try to make it back to Canberra tonight?’
Jenna looked down at her near-empty wineglass. ‘I don’t think Tommy would ever abandon Jez and he wouldn’t want me and Harry driving back alone when there are fires around.’
‘That makes sense. You’re lucky to have this as a second home.’
Jenna shook her head. ‘You have no idea. It’s amazing. Harry’s so happy here. It’s as though the nature calms him. He’s always loved it. That’s why we come almost every weekend. We’re so glad Jez and Asha moved back here.’
‘It sounds like, if you don’t mind me saying, he’s quite high functioning . . . on the spectrum.’
A small smile lit her lips and crinkled the papery skin around her eyes. ‘Thank you for saying that.’ She nodded. ‘He’s getting better. We’ve done a lot . . . a lot of work to get to this stage.’
A silence fell between them but Phoebe felt no discomfort; they just stared out into the falling evening. It was funny how you could know someone for five minutes and feel comfortable around them and others you could interact with for years and still not know how to act or what to say to make it feel right.
‘What about you, Phoebe? Married? Kids?’
‘Ha.’ She took a deep breath. ‘I couldn’t be further from either, really.’
Jenna shifted beside her. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to—’
‘No, no, it’s fine.’ Perhaps it was because Jenna had opened up about her own struggles, it felt safe to admit what a mess her life had become. ‘I was actually meant to be newly engaged at this point. She wiggled her empty ring finger. ‘It’s funny. I had it all so planned out. We’d get married and buy a house with a backyard and have kids, just like everyone does. But I didn’t even stop to think if that’s what I really wanted, it was just what needed to happen.’
Jenna smiled. ‘Yeah, I was meant to be a mother of two—one boy, one girl, two years apart, neither with a disability, of course.’
The Lost Summers of Driftwood Page 9