by Jaden Wilkes
“You said you’d drive me back!” She was feeling strange about this entire situation, she ached and could feel the beginning of a headache. “What time is it?” He shrugged and she grabbed her phone from her purse. 11:55. There were several texts from Tyr. Where had the time gone?
“There’s a bus stop just down on the street. I’ll give you bus fare, it leaves every half hour. You can transfer at the Kootenay Loop and it will take you right home. Just take the 131 Hastings when you get across the bridge.” He was digging in a bowl near the kitchen and found enough change. He handed it to her, she gathered her things and walked towards the door. She pulled her boots on, turned to say goodbye and he kissed her, a quick touching of the lips, nothing more.
“I’ll see you Monday Sarah, this has been absolutely amazing. Thank you.” He leaned out and looked up and down the hall, motioned her through and closed the door.
*****
She walked up and down the street trying to find the bus stop. There wasn’t much to Deep Cove, just a couple of streets really, but she still couldn’t see it. She finally found a small bus loop near the water and sat down on a bench to wait. She felt like crying, she didn’t understand what had just happened. Adam had been throwing himself at her all semester, and he just used her like she meant nothing to him. She looked up at the bus schedule and read that the last one had left over fifteen minutes ago. She was lost, she didn’t have Adam’s phone or apartment number to go back to him. I don’t even know if I remember which building is his, and I definitely don’t know his apartment number. She didn’t know what to do. A sense of helplessness overcame her and she slumped on the bench, wine fog giving way to the reality of her situation. She might have enough for a cab, but she didn’t know who to call. Naomi and Nic didn’t drive, so she decided to call Tyr. She pulled her phone out of her purse and scrolled through his texts. The first one was from 10:50: “I’m on my way, see you soon!”
11:05 “sorry I’m late, I’m downstairs”
11:14 “come on don’t be like this”
11:23 “are you ok?”
And finally at 11:38 “ok, I don’t know what’s up, but I hate these games. See you around.”
She began to cry, thinking of him waiting for her while she had been ignoring her instincts and letting Adam have his way with her. She didn’t have a choice, she clicked his name on her contacts list, praying he’d pick up. It was almost 12:30 now, and the street was deserted. She could hear the thump of bass from a nearby restaurant and the jagged sounds of people laughing on the patio, but nothing else.
He picked up on the fifth ring. He sounded sleepy when he said “Hello?”
“Tyr, it’s Sarah. I need your help,” she burst into tears and could barely give him directions through her sobs.
“I’m on my way, hang on. I’ll be there in twenty minutes,” he said, all traces of sleep gone from his voice.
She clicked her phone dark and looked up at the night sky. The stars were laid out like diamonds on a velvet background, there was no moon tonight. It was cold but at least it wasn’t raining. God, what have I done? Tears leaked from her eyes. She had wanted to see the world and learn, and now she had screwed things up so badly. How could I have been so stupid? Tyr was right all along, Adam just wanted to use me.
Thirteen minutes later Tyr pulled up in front of the bus stop and jumped out, leaving the motor running. He must have driven like a maniac to get here so fast.
“Are you ok?” he helped her up and into the passenger seat. He went around and got in, but didn’t drive. “What happened? Who did this?” he demanded, looking at her.
“Nobody did anything. I did something, I was so stupid,” she started crying again.
He handed her a McDonald’s napkin from the seat and asked “Professor douche canoe?”
“Yes,” she smiled through her tears. She wiped her nose and thought she must look atrocious, a complete mess. I hate crying, I hate how it makes me feel and I hate the attention it draws to me.
“Did you sleep with him?” His jaw clenched and his eyes darkened. She was almost afraid to admit it, he seemed so angry. She nodded yes and looked down. She couldn’t face him.
“Have you been drinking?”
“Yeah, but not much. Maybe three glasses,” she said.
“Fucking hell Sarah,” he hit the steering wheel with his open hand. “I fucking told you about that guy, I warned you. What did you expect?” He put the Jeep in drive and pulled away.
“It’s my fault too, he didn’t prey on me, ok? I knew what I was doing, I wanted it to happen,” she protested.
“You don’t know what you want. Fuck! I want to smash his fucking face in,” he said, his knuckles were white on the wheel.
“I know what I wanted. I wanted to feel special, like somebody cared about me. Is that so much to ask? I thought he really cared about me, and since my options are kind of limited, I took a chance.” She was crying again, slow tears instead of sobs, but she couldn’t help herself.
“What do you mean your options are limited? That’s ridiculous, you’re gorgeous, funny, smart...you must get asked out all the time.”
She couldn’t tell if he was being serious or mocking her. “I just need a friend right now, ok? Stop making fun of me. There aren't exactly many people standing in line to date the awkward Mennonite girl from Alberta with the weird eyes.”
They were stopped at a red light, it illuminated the inside of the Jeep, giving it an otherworldly glow. He turned to her, looked into her eyes and said “I could never make fun of you Sarah, understand that right now. I am serious when I say you are gorgeous, you are everything a guy could want.” They looked at each other for a long moment, Sarah thought he might say something else, but a horn sounding behind them broke the spell.
“Ok, let’s get you home and safe,” he looked straight ahead and kept driving, hands tight on the wheel and not saying another word.
*****
Tyr walked her up to her apartment, he was acting angry and protective, like an older brother. It was two in the morning, she should have been on his arm as they left the movie theatre, not feeling ashamed and beat up as she walked beside his tense figure. He still seemed angry, and she didn’t know how she’d get over feeling so foolish.
The apartment was dark when they walked in, she wasn’t sure if Naomi was home, she might have been at Nic’s. She dropped her things and tried to feel normal, but the ache between her legs and the heaviness in her heart betrayed her attempts.
“Thank you for everything Tyr. I don’t know what I would have done if you didn’t come get me,” she tried to keep the regret from her voice.
“You should be careful church girl, not everyone is as nice as I am,” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets and leaning back slightly. He was so hard to read, it was driving her crazy. It felt like every time she felt like they were building a closeness, he pulled back. How could he expect her to be his friend if he was so aloof all the time?
“I know, I feel like an idiot already, you don’t need to remind me,” she sighed and poured herself a glass of water. “I should get to bed anyhow, but thanks again.” She just didn’t have the energy to dance around her confusion with Tyr right now, not after what she’d been through. She wanted a shower, a cup of hot tea and to go to bed.
“I didn’t mean you’re an idiot, but you should have been careful,” he replied, a stubborn look on his face. He didn’t look like he was going anywhere, and she was tired of arguing. She knew she had made a mistake and didn’t need him to beat this dead horse. She had made her choice, what could she do about it now? It’s not like I can get my virginity back.
“I know that, it was the worst night of my life. Why can’t you just support me? You’re being a pretty shitty friend right now,” she thought she was on the verge of crying again, and she felt cramps in her abdomen. She didn’t know if she was sick or if it was a side effect of the sex.
“Friend, that’s right. Ok, I’ll see you around
church girl,” he said with a pained smirk then turned around and walked out. She watched him leave, tears streaming down her face. Why couldn’t it have been you?
CHAPTER TEN
Sarah slept in Saturday until just before noon. She woke slowly and stretched, she felt as though she was getting her period but she just had it. The night before flooded over her and a shameful heat creeped up her cheeks. She didn’t feel much different, but had to admit to a small satisfaction over the fact that she was no longer a virgin. If only it had been under better circumstances. She felt a twinge of regret when she thought about her family. Her parents would be devastated if they ever found out. A girl was supposed to be a virgin on her wedding night, if she wasn’t she brought shame to her entire family. She had been so wrapped up in her own life on campus that she had turned her back on her morals. She knew she didn’t want to end up living a righteous life, she wanted to live her own life, but she still would die if her parents know how far she had strayed. She rolled over and grabbed her phone. Nothing from Tyr. Her heart sank. I wonder what he thinks of me, she thought, does he hate me for sleeping with Adam?
Naomi was sitting on the couch when she got up, reading a book and sipping a tea.
“You got in late, did I hear Tyr’s voice too?” she said as Sarah sat down next to her.
“He drove me home. It was a really messed up night, I did something so stupid,” she said and felt tears stinging her eyelids yet again.
“Oh my god, what happened?” Naomi’s concern touched her, she knew her best friend would be supportive.
“Um, I kind of lost my virginity.”
“Oh. My. God! Was it Tyr? I knew you guys were going to hook up!” Naomi actually clapped her hands together.
“Oh god no, I don’t think he’d touch me after last night. It was with Adam. I ended up at his place and one thing lead to another.”
“Wow!” Naomi turned and crossed her legs, facing Sarah on the couch. “This is big, really big. You fucked your hot professor! I can’t believe it!”
Naomi could always cheer her up, and Sarah said “Yeah, I fucked the hot professor. It was a disaster though, he finished, I didn’t really even enjoy myself, and he basically kicked me out of his place.”
“Did he know you were a virgin?”
“No, I would never tell him that, how embarrassing.”
“I need deets. It wasn’t great, but how did it happen, and why the hell did Tyr bring you home?”
Sarah told her friend everything she could remember, from the wine to being rushed out the door. Nic showed up part way through and she repeated her story for the both of them.
At the end of the telling, Naomi had a wide grin on her face and Nic looked sympathetic.
Naomi said “my little girl’s growing up. I feel like a proud mom, first I got you swearing, then I got you drinking, now you’re having sex...what’s next? Do you think I could get her saying things like cock and pussy any time soon?” she laughed and looked at Nic.
“Ha ha Naomi. I might be laughing in a few days, but right now I’m feeling emotional and achy.”
“That’s totally normal," Nic added. "I felt the same way. My first time was so awful. Adam might have been a total dick, but you got off easy. Try fucking the biggest jock in the school and have him text naked pictures of you to everyone.”
Naomi and Sarah were both shocked. “I didn’t know you liked men too,” Sarah said.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Naomi asked.
“I don’t like guys, not really, but I wanted to see what happened if I had sex. I felt like such a freak, being the only lesbian I knew, so I wanted to prove I was just like all my friends. It was grade ten, I was 15. He was in grade twelve, a couple of years older. We were at a party at his place, his parents were out of town. I got drunk and passed out in their room. My friends thought it would be funny to have him come in and jump me, to break me in I guess.”
“Nice friends,” Sarah whispered, thankful for having Naomi by her side in high school. Naomi rubbed Nic’s back as she continued, “He took my top off and snapped a couple of pics. He got on top of me, and by then I didn’t think I could say anything so I went along with it. I learned two things though, first, I don’t like guys.” she grabbed Naomi’s hand and Naomi said “Thank god!” They both laughed.
“What was the second thing?” Sarah asked.
“That you don’t ever let it get to you. Mistakes happen, you make bad choices sometimes, but they don’t dictate who you are. You can grow from them, but never let them define you.” she looked at Sarah and took her hand. “Don’t give up on Tyr either, he has a lot on his plate and doesn’t know how to react sometimes. Give him a little flexibility, ok?”
Sarah sniffled and wished again that he had been her first. “I know he wants to be my friend, but he’s just such a jerk about it sometimes.” She rolled her eyes and laughed with the other girls.
“My biggest problem at this point is facing Adam. I don’t know how I can do it, he was such an asshole afterwards,” she confided.
“Guys are weird that way, a lot of them want you so bad, but the minute they get it, it’s like they shut down. If you’re looking for quickie, that’s the way to do it, but if you want to have a relationship, you have to get to know them. Be their friend first, let it grow,” Nic told her. “I know, I know, taking boyfriend advice from the lesbian, but I have a lot of friends and I’ve seen what they’ve all gone through. What Adam did is horrible, but it’s nothing unusual and it has nothing to do with you, ok?”
Sarah nodded, still not entirely convinced but feeling better. She didn’t feel so alone in her misery and mistakes.
“I think men are all hunters, and they like the chase more than getting what they want. Adam is a gigantic douche, just like Tyr says,” the three of them laughed. “If it will make you feel any better, I’ll make sure I’m there on Monday so we can sit together. I’ll even make Tyr come to the front with us if you’d like.”
“I would like that,” she smiled, so happy to have her friends.
*****
Saturday night she wanted to watch a movie in her PJs. Naomi and Nic had gone out with some of Nic’s friends but Sarah hadn’t wanted to join them. She grabbed her laptop, sat on her bed and looked at her options. She had never realized how many sappy romantic films she had. She was in the mood for something darker to fit her current state of mind. Her phone buzzed and she picked it up. It was a text from Tyr. Her heart jumped and she smiled.
“What are you up to?”
“Nada, you?”
“You want to try again for Fight Club?”
“What time?”
“In an hour.”
“Sure, come get me.”
She was grinning by the end of the hour. She rushed to the bathroom to get ready, cursing for the hundredth time her big toothy smile and weirdly coloured eyes. She thought back to the perfect little waitress Tyr had picked up at the restaurant. She would never be as fashionable or have perfect breasts and curly hair, maybe I'm just not his type. She applied her make up and left her hair loose, she didn’t want him to think she was trying too hard. She pulled on jeans and her tall boots for extra confidence. She loved the way her legs looked in them, and she loved the extra inches they added. She was a little closer to face level instead of being stuck staring at Tyr’s muscled chest. Not that staring at his chest was such a bad thing, she felt a tingle between her legs. God he’s gorgeous, if only I could transform into a perfect little blonde waitress with big boobs he might stop being such a dick to me. Then again, I’d rather have an honest friend than a player like Adam.
Tyr let her know he was downstairs and she practically skipped to the elevator. It was just past eight and she was feeling energized and renewed. The doors slid open and the cranky old lady with the little dog stepped out, shooting her a dirty look on her way past.
“Nice night for a walk,” she said, and giggled. She swore she heard the old lady say harumph as the doors closed.
She had a few moments to compose herself before she exited the building. She smoothed her hair one last time and went out to meet Tyr. She was softly humming to herself as she walked towards his Jeep when she noticed somebody else in the front passenger seat. They had seen her though, she couldn’t run back into the building now. She was confused, she didn’t know who he would possibly bring along on their movie night.
As she got closer, she realized it was the waitress. Her face went bright red and it felt as though she couldn’t catch a breath. She forced herself to exhale as she opened the back door. She fixed a grin on her face and made herself say “Hey guys, what a nice night for a movie” in her chirpiest voice as she got in. Inside she was fuming. What the fuck kind of game is he playing? Just last night he texted her about not wanting to play games, so what was this all about?
“I hope you don’t mind the last minute invite, I just talked to Nic and she said you were feeling a little down,” he turned around and smiled at her. The waitress was turned around too, sympathy in her eyes. How much had he told her? She was angry and humiliated but would never show it.
“No problem, I was just spending a quiet evening alone, I can’t pass up a viewing of Fight Club though.”
“Oh my god, it’s my favorite movie ever!” the waitress squealed. Did she just squee? She did! Inside Sarah was laughing her head off.
“Oh, totally,” she agreed, she had never seen it but this bimbo didn’t need to know.
Tyr pulled onto the highway and drove towards Metrotown. The waitress turned around and said “oh, I’m Tiff by the way. My name’s Tiffany but I think that sounds kinda stupid, so it’s just Tiff.” Of course her name is Tiff, what an idiot.