by Jaden Wilkes
*****
Sarah woke alone in the morning and her first thought was of Tyr, longing for the day she would find him in her bed. She couldn’t manage to get up today, she stretched and rolled back and forth trying to find the motivation. She imagined spending a long Sunday morning cuddling with Tyr, laughing and whispering under the covers. Thinking about his naked body pressed up against her made her warm and wet, an immediate reaction. She reached down and felt her clit, it was swollen with lust for him. My heart is full of love, my clit is full of lust. How appropriate, she smiled and slid her finger up and down, imagining it was Tyr’s his instead of hers. She thought of his large hand cupping her mound, the thumb applying pressure to her sensitive spot, rubbing it slowly, watching her face as she became more aroused.
She felt her own finger bringing her to climax, she cried out his name as she came, shuddering and letting it all wash over her. Her orgasm came in waves, sending electric jolts all the way to the end of her fingers and toes. She shivered one last time, then relaxed and fell back asleep with her hand still on her mound, wishing it was his hand.
Later in the day she finally got up out of bed and jumped in the shower. She was washing her hair when she heard a knock at the bathroom door.
“I’m in here” she called out.
“I know you are, silly. I wanted to let you know that somebody’s been calling you like crazy,” Naomi replied.
“Who is it?”
“It’s your mom, it’s your home number.”
“Just leave the phone out there, I’ll call her back as soon as I’m done.”
She finished washing the conditioner out of her hair, decided to skip the leg shaving, and got out. She dried off, worried about the call from her mom. Why would she be calling her so early? They didn’t usually talk until Sunday evening, after her parents were finished with church activities.
She called back when she got to her room. Her mom answered, “Hello?”
“Hey mom, it’s me.”
“Sarah, I’ve been trying to call. I needed to ask you something.”
“Ok, what’s up mom?”
“Your father is in a tizzy again, he’s upset that you still haven’t met Eric,” she replied.
“You know I’m meeting him in April, I’ve told you that.”
“I know, but you know how stubborn your father can be, it’s getting hard to convince him that school is the best place for you. Now Rebecca is talking about following your footsteps and going to university in Edmonton,” her mother said, her voice full of concern.
“That’s awesome! I hope she does, it will be good for her.”
“I don’t know if it will though, I need you to prove that it’s a good choice, ok? You’ve always been such a bad influence on her, with your lying and lazy ways,” her mom said. “There’s also another problem.”
“What is it?” she already wanted to hang up the phone, she was beginning to dread these weekly talks.
“The Hendersons have a grandson they want you to meet. Your father wants you to meet Eric and decide before he arranges something with the Henderson boy. You know how important they are in our community, their family have been leaders for generations. If we could match you up with a Henderson boy, why, you’d be set for your whole life.”
“How about dad stop trying to sell me off like I’m a milk cow! I don’t need to be set for life, once I have my degree I can set my own life exactly how I want it!” Sarah was so angry she didn’t care about offending her mother. Her mother was silent on the other end of the phone, Sarah could just hear her slow breathing.
Finally she said “I’m sorry Sarah, I’m just trying to help you get the best life possible. We don’t mean any harm, we love you,” her voice hitched, full of tears.
God her mother was an expert at the guilt trip. It was amazing how fast she could go from critical parent to victim when the moment suited her. Sarah felt immediately bad for making her mother cry though and said “Mom, I promise, I swear that I will meet Eric as soon as possible. Tell Dad I really like him already and will do my best to find out if he’s the one for me as soon as I can, ok?” Why couldn’t I have been born in a different community?
“That sounds acceptable, I’m glad you can see our way on this,” her mother said, recovering from her tears remarkably fast. “I’ll let your father know. The Hendersons are here now, they’ll be pleased as well.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Sarah was practically living in the library by mid semester. She was consumed with writing her Anthropology paper and needed to conduct as much research as possible. She loved her Anthropology class and loved the prof even more. It was taught by a wispy German woman who specialized in studying the cultures of the high Andes Mountains in South America. She had wild curly brown hair that frizzled around her head like a cascading cloud. Her eyes were wide and dark, she blinked rapidly when she was telling a particularly dramatic story, and all of her stories seemed to lean towards the dramatic.
Today’s work was for that class, with some English work thrown in just to make her day a little more tedious. Sarah had decided to write her anthro term paper about societies on the fringe, more specifically, her experiences in the Mennonite world and how it changed her interactions with ‘outsiders’.
So far it was an emotional journey. She was aware of how excluded she had been when she went to public school, but she had never been able to put it into words. Now that she understood the phenomenon from an intellectual point of view, it was altering how she saw her insular community. She was becoming angrier the more she thought about it, about how deliberately excluded she had been as a child and how willfully ignorant her parents chose to remain. She always had it in the back of her mind that she wasn’t like them, but the more she read, the more she worried that she might be. She worried that she had been playing games with Tyr, not taking him as seriously as she should. She was fascinated by him, and lusted after him, but hadn’t thought of him much beyond that. She was starting to wonder if this was simply because she was always thinking in the back of her mind that he would never have a place in her future. She knew she liked Eric because of his texts, and played with the idea that she would eventually settle down with him or somebody like him, but Tyr was in her blood now.
She leaned back and stretched her arms, she had been hunched over the small desk for too long. She rubbed her eyes and looked out the window. The snow was falling gently on the campus, great wet flakes that melted almost as soon as they landed. She wondered once again about Tyr’s place in her life. Is he just a fling while I’m experimenting? It is this my rebellion before I head back and settle down and start a family? She knew she didn’t want to move back home and rejoin the community, but at times like this she didn’t see any other future for herself. She wouldn’t be accepted if she brought Tyr back with her, and how would he feel, where would he fit in? Maybe I should have stuck with Biology or English this semester, had my fun with Tyr and stopped overthinking all of this, she thought. If the time comes, will I ever be able to make the decision between my family and Tyr? Her stomach jumped at the thought of their reaction, but her hands felt shaky imagining him gone from her life.
*****
Sarah was wrapping up the anthro paper later on in the week, she took a break and walked into the kitchen for a quick dinner. Naomi was curled up on the couch watching the evening news.
“Hey Naomi, I didn’t know you were home tonight,” Sarah said, surprised to see her popular friend staying in for a change.
“Yeah, I just didn’t have it in me to keep going. I’m an old woman, I’ll be 19 in a few months,” she smiled. “What are you working on? You still have your nose in a book these days, so much for university changing your life.”
“School is kicking my ass this semester, there’s so much more work to handle. I’m writing about us in Anthropology though,” Sarah said and sat on the couch next to Naomi.
“Writing about what?” she asked, sitting up.
&n
bsp; “Our community, it’s interesting thinking about it from an outside perspective. I never realized how isolated we really were. How deliberately isolated I mean, by our parents and the older generations,” she explained.
“Oh Sarah, you kill me! I could have told you that,” Naomi laughed and rolled her eyes playfully.
“I guess I knew it was going on, but it didn’t seem like it was such a big deal when we were in it. It was just our life,” Sarah replied. “I kept my head down and made it through every day without ever thinking there was anything else for me.”
“I know what you mean, I think your family was better at the whole Mennonite thing than mine,” Naomi replied. “Dad was a pretty mean drunk, and my mom barely seemed alive at times...it was like living with a ghost.”
“I’m so sorry Naomi,” Sarah was once again filled with guilt over what her friend must have gone through. “And you’re right. My family wasn’t dramatic at all. We were dull, like eating plain oatmeal every morning for breakfast. It filled me up but had no taste. I want to taste life now Naomi, I want more than I can get back home.”
“I’m so glad you finally opened your eyes. It sucks to know the truth, but it’s better than living like a ghost.”
Sarah sighed, “I just don’t know where to go from here. When I’m at school, with you guys, with-” she broke off not wanting to say his name. She took a deep breath and continued, “well..with Tyr, none of it matters. I feel like I can do anything I want and my future is big and exciting and all mine. As soon as I talk to my parents, I get sucked right back in. I know they want me to get married, maybe use my education to teach school or go on some church excavation so they can brag to their neighbors. Lately I feel like going home again might be my only option.”
“I can’t imagine that kind of pressure, you’ve been the good girl your entire life. I have been amazed at some of the things you’ve been doing this year. I never thought I’d hear you swear, now if I could just get you to talk dirty, my work here would be complete,” Naomi laughed and hugged Sarah.
Sarah blushed and said “cock, pussy, cunt.”
“Woohooo! That’s what I’m talking about!” Naomi was laughing even harder, “You should see how red your face is right now.”
“Yeah I know. I’ll get there eventually. Maybe I should be a phone sex operator or something.”
“Maybe you should get a boyfriend,” Naomi winked.
Sarah smiled and said “I know, I’m trying.”
“You mean Tyr, right? You’re not back hanging out with Adam, are you?”
“Oh god, no, not Adam,” she said in a fake British accent. “I mean Tyr, but it feels like he doesn’t want to go beyond the friend thing we’ve got going on. I think he might have somebody else, or he’s back with Tiff...or he’s just not that into me.”
“Don’t give up on him though, seriously. He’s a great guy and you two have this crazy chemistry,” Naomi turned to her, looking very serious. “He’s got a lot of baggage, he’s had some rough things happen to him, give him time. I feel like he’d be worth it.”
Sarah smiled, looked past her friend to the balcony where Tyr kissed her on New Year’s. She said “I want to, but he makes it so hard to hang on. I’m getting tired of this push-pull game with him. I feel like he’s jerking me around a little. One minute he’s all over me driving me crazy, the next he barely talks to me when we’re out with you guys. It’s so fucking frustrating.” She looked back at Naomi and asked “do you think he’s seeing somebody? Is he back with Tiff?” God I still hate that stupid name.
“I don’t think that’s it at all,” Naomi replied. “He really cares about you Sarah, you can see it when he looks at you. Last semester it was eating him up when you were spending time with Adam. He wants to protect you, even from himself.”
“What do you mean? That doesn’t even make sense.”
“He’s a bit of a loner, and at times a bit of a player. Nic thinks he does it because he’s afraid to get close to anyone. We think he could let you in, and that scares him. He’ll come to you when he’s ready to stop playing around and get serious. You’re not the kind of girl he’d screw around on, you’re the kind of girl he’d settle down with.”
“That still doesn’t make much sense to me. If he feels like that about me, and I’ve made it pretty obvious I feel that way about him, what’s the big deal?” Sarah’s frustration was increasing as they talked.
“We’re not all as honest with ourselves as you are,” Naomi answered. “Think of it this way, he values you so much that he wants things in his life to be taken care of before he makes his move.”
“When will that be though? What if I get tired of waiting? What if I decide to listen to my parents and hook up with Eric”
“That’s his risk I guess. I agree, you can’t stay single forever, and you can’t put your life on hold waiting for him to deal with his shit,” Naomi said. “But you can’t deny there’s something there between you. You are the only one who can decide if it’s worth waiting for.”
Sarah couldn’t help but think about her friendship with Eric. Was she doing the same thing to him? Was she leaning on him for support while waiting for Tyr to make up his mind?
“Should I give him an ultimatum?”
“I don’t think that would work with a guy like Tyr. You’re either going to have to be patient and let it happen naturally, or make the decision to find somebody else. I can’t tell you what choice to make though, but you know my opinion is that he’s worth waiting for.”
“Is that just because he’s Nic’s best friend?”
“No, it’s because I see the way he looks at you. When he sees you, the weight of the world is lifted off his shoulders and his eyes get bright. When we hung out with him and Tiff, he’s tense and his eyes seem dull to me. I don’t know, it sounds cheesy but I don’t know how else to explain it. When you two are together, it just feels right. I just hope you two figure that out before you torture each other to madness,” Naomi said.
“Yeah, me too,” she replied, got up and walked back to her room. She turned once to look at Naomi, to make sure her friend was being serious. Naomi smiled, but Sarah could tell she meant every word she had just said.
Now I just have to figure out if I’m going to wait or move on, she thought as she flopped onto the bed. She opened her books and began to review for a Biology exam in the morning. Her mind wouldn't stop wandering back to Tyr and the way he smelled, the way he felt. She needed to find out where this was going before she tortured herself into madness.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Sarah walked through the cafeteria carrying her tea and balancing her backpack. She had a massive headache and hoped sipping some Chamomile would help. She hadn’t been sleeping enough, she thought maybe her conscience was catching up with her. She sipped the steaming cup and pretended to read a Biology text, covertly watching the people around her. She felt like her time here had peaked and was heading downhill now. Only her second semester and she’d done all she could do? I don’t want to believe that, her stubborn thoughts surfaced, there’s got to be more than this. The guilt of lying to her parents had been nipping at her, to the point that she could barely stand to talk to her mom on the phone. Along with this came the constant questions about Eric and hints about the Henderson boy. She sometimes wanted to scream until her nitpicky mother shut up and left her alone. This wasn’t going to happen though, so Sarah made the appropriate noises of agreement and glossed over the details of her life.
She was restless. She felt like she had to do something, between her guilt and this waiting for Tyr thing, inaction was killing her. Her limbs felt twitchy with the need for movement, she had a constant thought to get up and run from wherever she was, but never followed through.
Tyr was insufferable. They had spent time together in a crowd, or with Naomi and Nic but he had not made another move and they had not been alone at all. It was February reading break next week and Sarah was ready for the time off.
&
nbsp; Eric had been her constant companion, he was polite, funny and interesting...and completely unobtrusive, not crossing the line since New Year’s. It was exactly what Sarah needed right now. She felt like anything she told Naomi would end up being told to Nic who would in turn tell Tyr. It was like the world’s worst game of ‘telephone’. She knew she had to talk to Tyr, but was tired of waiting for him to make the time.
She still had no idea what Eric looked like, and she had never sent him a photo. He had hinted a couple of times, but was easily dismissed with a redirect. She was afraid to get her next bill though, they had been texting several times a day now. He was...nice. Yes, she supposed he was nice. Not the descriptor most men would like to hear, but Sarah appreciated his honest and simple approach to life. She had to admit it took the sting off Tyr’s rejection, or what was becoming apparent as rejection.
Why am I always alone? She wished she could be more like Naomi who never seemed to be alone, always surrounded by a group of lively friends. Even in a crowd Sarah felt lonely, like the outsider. I should wear a giant ‘M’ on my shirt, Mennonite Girl, like the world’s most boring superhero. She closed her eyes, imagining herself in dull grey tights and an even duller brown cape.
“Hey sleepy head, wake up!”
Speak of the Devil. Naomi flopped into the seat across from her, Nic was close behind.
“So you up for a road trip?” Nic grinned.
“Oh my god, you read my mind!” Sarah replied, relieved to have her constant stream of thought interrupted. “I am dying to do something, I’m so bored and restless lately.”
“We all are,” Nic said. “That’s why reading break is in February. Half way through the second semester is really fucking rough on everyone, we all need to blow off some steam.”
“Where are we going?” Sarah asked, draining the last of her tea and plunking her mug down on the table. She leaned forward to hear the reply, her eyes were bright with anticipation.