by Corey Deitz
Step 1: Look in a mailbox
Step 2: Find the envelopes from banks or institutions with messages printed on the outside like “0% INTRO APR”
Step 3: Grab them.
Step 4: Grab more of them!
Step 5: Drive home and get rich.
There’s an aspect of credit card fraud which is so amazingly dumb, you’ll wonder why more people don’t scavenger through mailboxes on a regular basis. Inside each envelope is a cheery letter telling you that you have been “pre-selected” for a special introductory rate. There are phrases like “Value and Benefits,” “…giving you more ways to take your dollar further...,” and it’s always signed by some Senior Vice President.
After the introductory shmooze, there’s a short application for the card itself. Most letters reprint the address it was mailed to and right below that usually says:
“If above address is incorrect please fill out change of address notice on bank.”
Oh my God! The companies willing to extend credit to millions of names that appear in mailing lists from databases they have purchased are so lackadaisical about extending credit! They don’t even care if the credit card being applied for is even sent to the address where the offer has been made made! I know what you’re thinking. People move – sure - and mail gets forwarded to new addresses. Why, then, should they be “penalized” with an offer being withdrawn if the original mailing address does not match the change of address. Oh, I don’t know…maybe because…
PEOPLE WILL FRAUDULANTLY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEM?
Aw, shucks. Who would do that? Oh, I don’t know…
A CREDIT SCAMMER AND IDENTITY THIEF?!
It didn’t take long for Ford to realize that low-tech credit and identity theft had almost no learning curve whatsoever. All anyone had to do was know how to open a mailbox and retrieve a few letters. He did not need to possess any polished computer skills or have access to any particular hacker tools or software. Isn’t it a paradox that the email which arrives in your computer is checked and rechecked by security software to make sure it is safe and virus-free. Yet, there is no security feature on the typical mailbox. Every day, hundreds of millions of mailboxes are the receptacles for checks, money orders, silver shipments, private medical information, credit card offers, and dozens of other vulnerable deliveries.
The mailbox – as we know it today – has been around for about 120 years. Oddly, in all that time not one step has been taken to make the delivery of contents any more secure. The only thing standing between the valuable information or contents in your mail and a thief is a warning from the government that you can be fined up to $250,000 and serve 5 years in prison if you screw with snail mail.
Of course, first you have to be caught - and Ford already knew prison was not on his radar.
Chapter 5
With his plan in motion toward complete global domination, Ford was experiencing a certain amount of euphoria. Everything was going along fairly well until he heard a sound coming out of his computer he couldn’t identify. It was a notification of sorts but if you had time to decipher the sound it would probably emulate a coyote having sex on a cold night.
“Jesus! That’s awful,” Ford said tapping a few keys on his keyboard. When he did, an email with the header You’ve Been Ass Kicked! appeared in his inbox.
“What the…?” he wondered, cocking his head as if the motion would somehow help to answer.
He clicked on it and began reading.
Dear FuckUandDie.com Member!
You’ve been ass-kicked by Dark Delights who sends the following message:
“Hey, saw your profile and pic. I don’t really want a relationship right now but, I’m sort of bored. Kind of thought you were cute. So, write back. Or check out my profile. Or don’t.
Dark Delights.
Ford was used to women who played ‘hard to get’ but had not run into too many who played ‘don’t give a shit so fuck you if you get.’
He was intrigued.
He clicked the embedded link and signed into FuckUandDie.com. Dark Delights’ profile page came up and his eyes began to scan it.
Name: Dark Delights
Age: 22
Marital Status: I know some married people. They’re losers.
Height/Weight: 5’9, 140 pounds
Body Type: Female where it counts
Income: Enough each month to pay rent, get a tattoo
Education: Some college
Religion: Church of the Pierced Anarchist
Occupation: Motherfucking Ikea
Children: none
Smoking/Drinking/Drugs: Yes, yes, yes.
Sexual Orientation: I like guys better but, then again, depends on how much I’ve had to drink.
In the upper left of the page was Dark Delights profile picture. She had straight blue- tinted hair cut into a pageboy style. Here eyes were darkened with makeup and her lips were blackened with lipstick. On her left nostril was a small nose stud in the shape of a crescent moon which was fashioned out of pure 18k solid white gold. She was pretty enough but what she may have lacked in beauty was balanced out by an exciting sense of recklessness. Ford was immediately attracted to her but wondered if she might be more trouble than she was worth. He messaged her:
Hey, got your message. Thanks for the ass-kick. I’d like to chat sometime. How about…
Before he could even finish typing his message, another arrived in his inbox.
Dear FuckUandDie.com Member!
Dark Delights wants to chat with you! If you are available now, click the link below and enter a private chat room at FuckUandDie.com!
Ford didn’t hesitate. He clicked the link and his browser brought him to the conversation in waiting. The screen was blank except for the cursor which was blinking in anticipation. Should he type something first? Would that seem too anxious and desperate?
Still the cursor blinked.
“Wait a second,” he thought to himself. “She’s the one who seems anxious. She wanted to chat with me. Let her make the first move.”
The cursor continued to blink.
“Fuck it,” he whispered.
Ford: Hey, you there?
Dark Delights: Sup?
Ford: Nothing. How bout you?
Dark Delights: I just got back from the emergency room. My cat’s claw accidentally grabbed an earring and ripped it the fuck out.
Ford: Jesus!
Dark Delights: Right?
Ford: You okay?
Dark Delights: Yeah. Doc gave me some kind of pain killer. Feels pretty good. Thinking of letting the cat rip out another!
Ford: Fuck!
Dark Delights: Yeah. Good times!
Ford: What’s the cat’s name?
Dark Delights: Dog the Bounty Hunter.
Ford: No you don’t…
Dark Delights: Really…
Ford: I love that!. I have a dog and I named it Kitty.
Dark Delights: You’re shitting me!
Ford: No, really!
Dark Delights: Fuck you. You did not.
Ford: Fuck me, I did!
Dark Delights: I like that.
Ford: Really. It’s true.
Dark Delights: That’s still pretty fucked up for the dog.
Ford: Kitty doesn’t know it’s named after a cat.
Dark Delights: We’ll have to get those two together sometime.
Ford: I know. I think you’re moving a little fast for me – I mean for Kitty.
Dark Delights: Oh really? You think I’m a little too forward talking about my” pussy?”
Ford: Well, you are a little aggressive now that you mention it.
Dark Delights: I just know what I want.
Ford: I know what I want. I just haven’t been able to get it yet. I’m working on it, though.
Dark Delights: What do you do for a living?
Ford: It’s embarrassing. I work at a convenience store.
Dark Delights: Oh Yeah?
Ford: Yeah. The Kunk
le Kash ‘n Karry.
Dark Delights: Kunkle? Is that some guy’s name who owns it?
Ford: No. That’s where it’s located. Kunkle, Ohio. That’s where I live.
Dark Delights: Fuck you, you do not.
Ford: I do.
Dark Delights: Jesus Christ. That’s some fucked up name.
Ford: Yeah, well. I’m not going to be here for long. Where are you?
Dark Delights: Germany.
Ford: For real?
Dark Delights: Yeah. Ramstein Air Force Base. My dad is with the 86th Airlift Wing. He fixes C-130Js. That’s right: I’m a military brat!
Ford: Well, that sounds kind of cool.
Dark Delights: It isn’t. No friends here. Hate this fucking German food. Venus Shnitzel and sour crout. Thank God there’s at least a pizza place on base. “Pizza Gallerie” Although it kind of sucks, too.
Ford: Fancy name.
Dark Delights: Yeah. If you can’t serve decent food, spell your name weird. Gallerie? WTF?
Ford: A little misdirection. Sometimes, it works in your favor.
Dark Delights: Not for pizza.
Ford: Other things.
There was a pause in the chat.
Dark Delights: What kind of other things?
There was another pause.
Ford: I’ll tell you some time. Listen, I gotta get ready for work. This was fun. Let’s talk again soon.
Dark Delights: Are you blowing me off?
Ford: No! I really do have to go to work.
Dark Delights: ‘kay. See ya.
And with that the chat ended, an animated window shade pulled down on Ford’s screen and a “Bye!” popped up. To be honest, he was a little stunned at how abruptly the conversation ended and immediately began to obsess about it. Had she just blown him off? Was she being considerate and letting him go as he suggested he needed or was she actually lashing out by falsely conceding so easily? This is exactly why he hated relationships and considered himself awful at them. Women were too difficult to read. All this crap about how they say one thing but mean another drove him nuts. Why did people have to be this way? Then, near the zenith of his self deprecation, the computer interrupted with the notification of a new email.
Dear FuckUandDie.com Member!
Dark Delights has sent you a message:
“Ford – Ass kick me tomorrow and we’ll catch up.”
Dark Delights
“Damn,” he thought and just smiled.
Chapter 6
Having a plan to pull his life out of the cesspool it was drowning in gave Ford a renewed attitude. Suddenly, going to work at the Kunkle Kash ‘n Karry seemed more tolerable. Even his landlord, The Major, didn’t seem to unnerve him as quickly with his paranoid ramblings or conspiracy-laced preparations. Everything Ford detested was merely now a distraction from the primary goal of retrieving and compiling the illicit credit cards he had so dutifully arranged to be misdirected to him.
He did realize that an onslaught of mail to his address would quickly become suspicious, even to the least aware postal worker. So, after stealing identities from a host of mailboxes in the well-to-do neighborhood, he revised some credit applications and substituted his mailing address while still others, were left to process and arrive back into the mailboxes he originally lifted them from.
He then noted which homes credit cards would be arriving at and began to check those addresses after seven days, a length of time he randomly settled upon. He would come home from work, catch a nap, and then put on his postal inspector disguise to check for new arrivals. The process took a couple of weeks for all the bogus plastic to finally show up but, he was meticulous and patient in the furtherance of his plan. Ford was also careful to draw as little attention to himself as possible. For the barky dogs he brought treats to bribe them. For the nosy neighbors he kept his head low and made sure the fake ‘Postal Inspector’ signs on his car were easy to read.
To be clear, Ford was actually committing two separate crimes: identity theft and credit card fraud. He was multitasking way beyond misdemeanors. In effect, his actions amounted to a double-barreled shotgun loaded with two kinds of felonies.
And if I may expound on this for just a moment let me note a funny thing about laws – or maybe more of a reality.
All the laws on all the books in all the civilized cultures in this world cannot really stop anyone from doing what they want to do. Laws might deter some people from being bad actors simply because they fear the consequences - if they are caught! But, in the end, laws are mostly irrelevant when someone has little fear of the justice laws require to satisfy society’s yearning for retribution. The only reason – and I mean the only reason – any society ever holds itself up from chaos is the good collective conscience of its members. Personal morality or ethics or whatever you want to call it is the only things that separate good, decent men from those who are not. There are not enough laws created that will keep a man from doing what he wants to do, whether it is theft, murder, or anything in between. The law is really only there to instruct society how to deal with you once your crime is discovered and you are apprehended.
Men acting on their own scruples are the only thing that keeps a sane world from slipping into disarray. Ford knew this and accepted himself for what he was about to become. But, he blamed his circumstances for forcing him into bad behavior while at the same time rationalizing that he was still a good person – but no longer good enough. To commit a crime, even one where there doesn’t seem to be a victim (save a small skim off a big bank’s quarterly profits) requires a man find a mental equilibrium.
Much of Ford’s down time was devoted to that. He had to convince himself that he could pull it off and find the emotional balance to enjoy his scheme without the punishment of excessive guilt. To complete this he promised himself a couple of things: no one he loved would suffer in any way from his actions and secondly, he would not chicken out when it came time to end this adventure. He established a code to fit his new morality and felt honorable in doing do. Anytime a man can do that, he has instantly become more dangerous or at least, more daring.
It should also be noted that Ford was a fairly smart fellow and held a decent I.Q. Though his current employment did not challenge him, the excitement of his criminal plan did. His penchant for critical thinking on-demand allowed him to think through potential scenarios others might miss. For instance: he quickly assessed he would need a credit card that matched a picture I.D. for things like checking into a hotel. Therefore, he set out to create an easy alter ego for just such a purpose.
He phoned customer support at the credit card company that erroneously issued Kitty Fallon her Visa and claimed the card was lost. It was kind of a ballsy thing to do considering drawing any attention to Kitty’s Visa might rock the boat. But, he confidently spoke with the customer representative he also noted that there was a typo in his name – and he wasn’t very pleased about that at all.
“By the way it’s not Kitty. My name is Kit,” insisted Ford.
Since he had access to every piece of information to which the card had been originally issued, it was easy to bluff his way through a re-issue of the “missing” card under his “proper” name.
What he counted on was the innate monotony surrounding customer service jobs. His self-assured stance simply bested their boredom.
It was almost too easy to have the card reissued and mailed off. After that, he went back to his search buddy pal, Google, and typed in “buy fake ID.”
Seriously…
Do you know how ridiculously easy it is to buy a fake picture I.D. through the Internet? There are dozens of websites that allow you to customize bogus credentials that are certainly good enough for most purposes, least of all a hotel registration. In trade for a few minutes online and $150 dollars, he soon would be in possession of an Ohio I.D. for one “Kit Fallon.”
This would come in very handy later.
As to Kitty, arrangements had to be made. Leaving his belov
ed pet behind caused him the most angst. It didn’t seem fair that his dog got the short end of this stick. But, Ford saw no way of caring for Kitty in the long term because in the end, he would be dead. Dogs are not at all like cats. If you died tomorrow 50 miles away from your dog he would probably pick up the scent of your grave, walk 4 days to find it, then lie down at your headstone and grieve for you. On the other hand, you could actually die in your bed one night and if you owned a cat, it would probably not only survive quite easily without you – it would thrive.
Cats are creepy that way.
They really don’t need humans at all. If you weren’t around to pamper them by serving up froo-froo gourmet food from a can, they’d be just as happy to see you lying cold-stone dead on the kitchen floor. They’d walk over you for weeks just to get to their litter box to pee. As a matter of fact, a researcher at Cornell University hooked up electrodes to a bunch of cats in a lab and found that when the owner of each respective cat entered the room, the feline’s thalamus began to show increased activity. If you don’t know, the thalamus in a cat’s brain is similar to a human brain’s hypothalamus. That is where anger is processed.
Quite honestly, these animals have been playing humans since the ancient Egyptians. That’s why Ford had a dog. He named it Kitty just to fuck with the Cat Overlords. Indeed, it was a cruel joke on the dachshund but, satire and irony is generally lost on most pets. Anyway, the humane thing to do was find the dog a new home which Ford did.
A home with no cats.
Possibly one of the cleverest things Ford did when his fraudulent collection of credit cards was complete was to purchase LifeLock identity theft protection. By registering all his plastic with LifeLock, it guaranteed his ability to immediately know if anything out of the ordinary was happening with his accounts. For instance, if he lost a card or one was somehow stolen by another thief, odd spending activity might trigger alarms at the issuing bank. That would force some lackey in fraud prevention to closely examine an account or worse: suspend it until further notice. Ford did not want his accounts scrutinized and he certainly did not want to lose his spending power.