“It is. I know it isn’t much, it’s just me, but Leiva said you could heal here now since you are stronger. I can care for you.”
“Why would you want to do that?” I crinkle my nose a bit, truly wondering why he would want to spend his time taking care of me. I’d burden his time more than I already have. “I cannot accept this. It is very kind of you, Beowulf, but I cannot do that to you.”
“You aren’t doing anything to me that I’m not choosing to do. I wish to care for you. How can you not get that yet? I’ve spent twelve years without you. A second away from you is too much. I’m still processing that you’re here. I’m afraid…”
He shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath. “I’m afraid if I blink, you’ll be gone, and then I’ll be wondering if all of this was a dream.”
Anxiety clenches my core. His presence is overwhelming. His need to protect me and care for me is unknown. All I remember are cages and whips. It’s hard to accept anything else when I can’t remember anything else.
“I don’t know what you want from me, Beowulf.” The words ghost over my lips, painfully, causing my insides to twist and turn. He isn’t pushing me to remember anything, but I feel pressure regardless. Not only am I pressuring myself, but his hope that I will have a memory is heavy to carry. “I must go get some air.”
“Wait a minute. I don’t want anything from you, Angel. I just want to be here for you.”
“Stop calling me that!” I scream through watery eyes. I love it when he calls me that, but I can’t take it anymore. It hurts. It hurts so much that he sees this woman from his past, but I’m not that woman anymore. He isn’t calling me that loving nickname, he is calling her that.
“Please.”
But I have no idea what I’m beginning for. I sob and push away from him, running out the door. I stumble a bit, trying to get my feet under me, and then he is there at my side, holding me up around my waist with his strong arm.
“What are you doing? I need air. Air away from you. Air you aren’t breathing.”
“Sorry, Angel. Not going to happen. You’re on my watch. I take care of you. I’m not letting you go out here alone.” I try and ignore how his fingertips brushing against my ribs tickle—in a good way—and the tingles they send down the side of my body.
My bottom lip trembles, but I keep calm. He doesn’t understand how mixed up I am inside.
“Thank you,” I say. I am grateful. I truly am. And I never meant to sound like I didn’t appreciate everything he has done for me, but I’m just as frustrated as he is hopeful. I just want to remember my life already. I want to remember my parents, or if I had any siblings, or if I ever kissed anyone before. I want to remember something.
Anything that doesn’t involve iron bars.
But life is only kind in pinches it seems, so I shall just have to wait for the next one. I tilt my head back as we walk out of the woods. The sun feels so good.
“Wait, just wait a moment.” I close my eyes and let the heat warm my skin. A small smile falls on my face. I’m relaxed and energized at the same time. I almost feel drunk off mead but feel that I can take on the world.
“You’ve always loved the sun,” Beowulf says in awe.
“I know that must be true. I can feel it.” So this is what I’ve been missing all these years? A strong warrior and the sun? I never want to live in the dark again.
“You’re beautiful.”
I snap my eyes open and catch him staring at me. He snaps his head away and clears his throat, embarrassed that he got caught. He lifts me back up until I’m standing straight again, and he takes his arm away. I miss his touch immediately. Now, I’ve pushed him away, and I’ve set uncertainty between us.
“You really think I’m beautiful?” I ask him, hoping to shake the uneasiness in the air.
He lifts one shoulder and runs his big hand through his long brown hair. “From a friend, yes, you’re beautiful.”
I pinch my brows, letting his odd choice of words roll around in my head. “From a friend? Who else would it be from?”
“Nothing.”
“Something.”
He sighs, exasperated. “Nothing, Lilith.”
Lilith. I’m Lilith now? Since when? Sure, the nickname threw my off and messed me up for a moment. I got confused by all the emotions swirling inside me, but I loved that nickname. I don’t want to be Lilith to him. I want to be his Angel again.
“Beowulf, please,” I reach for him, but he takes a step back.
“You asked what I wanted from you, but what is it that you want from me? You want my friendship? You want my love? You don’t want it? I tell you what I want, and you don’t want it. I want to take care of you. It’s as simple as that.”
“I’m just as confused as you are. This isn’t easy for me. I’m not expecting to be magically cured like you are hoping me to be—”
He cuts me off by pointing his finger in my face “—Never have I said I wanted you to be magically cured. You don’t have to remember. I can remember for the both of us. Do I hope for it? Yes. I’m just glad you’re alive and back. I can’t imagine everything you are dealing with, but for fuck’s sake, Lilith, you aren’t the only one dealing.”
“I’m the only one dealing! You are not the one with the absent memory!” I yell. It rings out in the air, startling a few birds in the early dawn.
“No, I’m just dealing with someone who—who fights me every step of the way for me to take care of her.”
“I can take care of myself. I’m not helpless. I can get better on my own.”
I stomp my foot like a child and cross my arms. I hate to feel weak. Having someone taking care of me this long without being able to walk was torture enough. It is time for me to get on my own two feet without being fussed over.
“I know you are capable of taking care of yourself, but I want to do that until you are back healed and strong. Until you are back to yourself again.”
My blood starts to boil, and at this point, I don’t even know why. He is right. But I have lived too long being controlled, being locked up, being told by men what to do, and even though I barely remember it, I remember enough to know I won’t let anyone do that to me again. Not even Beowulf.
I can’t handle this right now. I decide to go for what I know will hurt the most, all while knowing it is breaking my own heart too.
“I don’t even know you!”
My soul tears apart as soon as the words leave my mouth. My world stops spinning. The air feels colder than usual. The sun is gone, matching my mood, and snow clouds replace the blue sky. Everything seems to start freezing in time.
Winter has come, snow is falling, and Beowulf’s expression is just as cold as the air around me.
He steps forward, bending down until the heat of his breath warms my lips and snarls, “You know me better than anyone.” His eyes glisten, but I convince myself into thinking it’s the flick of the sunlight changing into a dooming gray. “Better than fucking anyone.”
He leaves me there, with guilt tearing up my eyes as I watch his large figure walk away from me.
What did I just do? Did I ruin the only thing good to come out of this new life I have because of fear? Beowulf doesn’t understand how frightened I am. I’m afraid I’ll never remember anything good. I’m afraid all I will ever remember is the horrible pain and fear of everything bad that happened in the last decade of my life. He doesn’t understand that I want all the memories of us so I can fully grasp how he feels.
But I want to fully grasp how I feel too, and I can’t, not without remembering.
Chapter Twelve
Beowulf
It’s been three days since our fight. Three days without her laugh, smile, and the scent of her hair. Three days since she told me she really didn’t need me. Three days since she told me I was practically a stranger to her. Aye, it hurt so fucking much. I just wanted to be close to her. Is it so wrong?
She still stays at my cabin, and I sleep outside in the wilderness on a b
ed of sticks and leaves. I stay close enough to protect her, but far enough away where I know I won’t bother her. I’m too hurt, too proud to confront her, and I know that she is too.
Well, the Lilith I used to know would be. Perhaps I do not know her like I think I do. Maybe this is fate’s way of telling me I need to let go. She’s back. That part of my life can be closed. Just the thought of doing that makes me sick. I wasn’t able to move on before, and now that she is back? There’s no way I can now.
I might as well be a true madman, especially since there may be a possibility that I’ve been following her on her walks every day. I stay in the brush, so she doesn’t see me. I’m light on my feet, careful to avoid branches, twigs, and logs. My sword is drawn the entire time, ready to take down any threat that may come to her.
Like I am right now.
She’s a smart lady. Lilith knows someone is watching her. Every few moments, she will stop and turn every which way, trying to figure out where the feeling is coming from. She’s listening to her gut. My chest swells with pride over that. I know she is able to care for herself, but I want to take care of her because I need to, not because I doubt her.
I lick my lips when she starts walking again, watching her hips sway to the rhythm of the wind. Her blonde hair is in a braid again, and I imagine wrapping it around my fist as I drive into her. My cock swells, tenting up my pants. A wet spot starts to form, and now I can’t leave these bloody woods until it is dry, and my hard-on is gone.
Her body is a bit fuller. She’s gaining weight quickly, but she still has a ways to go. She looks healthier, happier, and her skin is starting to glow again from the sun’s touch. That bastard. I’m so jealous of that damn fire in the sky. I want to be the one thing she comes to for comfort. But it seems it may be a while for that. I have my work cut out for me.
My cock starts to soften when she starts to slow down. Instead of lust, worry floods into me. It takes all I have not to jump out of the trees and sweep her away to the cabin, lay her down, rub her entire body, and hand feed her the best fruits and meats.
One day, I tell myself. One day.
Her breath fogs into the air as she gasps for breath, sparkling with a hint of frost. She won’t be able to enjoy the outdoors for much longer because the snow will be knee deep. Her dainty hand comes to her side as she pauses and gasps for air. She’s sweating.
Oh, what I’d give to be that sweat on her skin, dripping down her body.
“Snap out of it, Wulf.” I shake my head, trying to clear the fog she casts over me.
“Hello? Who is there?” she raises her voice and stares right into the woods.
Shite. I said that too loud.
I keep a hand over my mouth and hide my big body behind a tree. I roll my eyes. I am the fucking tree. I stay completely still and hold my breath, keeping my sword in front of my face, so it doesn’t reflect light. It would give away my location.
“I know you are out there. I feel you watching me. Come out and show your face, coward!” she yells. My lips tilt to the left, grinning when I hear her goading me. She’s always been headstrong. Her power of will could change the force of the lunar tides.
I stay back, knowing that if she sees me, I won’t be welcome. The wind picks up, and I close my eyes, inhaling deeply. Her warm scent carries over to me, and a tiny groan escapes my lips. Nothing is better. It’s like the sun has permanently made itself home in her blood.
I can just imagine us, locked away in the cabin, snow falling outside gingerly, and we wrapped up in each other’s arms. Her warmth would sink into my skin, thawing out my heart that has turned to ice over the years.
“Fine. Be that way,” she stomps away, leaving little clouds of dust from her feet.
Following her back up the trail to the cabin, I push branches out of the way with my arms and slice through thick bushes that are in my path. Once I see she is safe in the cabin again, I slump against a nearby tree trunk and blow out a breath. That woman is going to be the death of me.
After I take a quick break, I trudge through dead leaves, hearing them crunch under my boots as I make my way through the maze of the woods. Sighing, my breath comes out in a frozen mist, and my lips dry out a bit from the breeze, so I flick out my tongue to dampen them. I wonder if Lady’s Leiva’s paste would help my lips stop hurting from the cold.
“Wulf.”
I stop mid-step. The way Lord Grimkael says my name makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
“Lord Grimkael,” I stand at attention.
“You, Trident, me, and Einarr are riding to Thurston. I just received word the Jackals plan to attack.”
“What?” My heart falls to my feet. My brother and his wife live in Thurston. I haven’t seen him or little Rian in years, but I plan on it. “Thurston? Lord Grimkael—”
“I know. It’s another reason we are going. We ride when the sun sets. Get your horse ready. Pack what you need to.”
“Are we going into a battle?” I match his strides, our feet thundering against the ground as we make our way to the stables.
He stops me by grabbing my arm. When Trident and Warlord Einarr stop for us, Lord Grimkael nods his head into the direction of the stables, telling them to go on without us. Trident doesn’t move, though. He crosses his arms over his chest and waits.
He and I may not be on speaking terms, but I know he will always have my back when it really matters, just like I will have his.
“We are three days out of Thurston. The Jackals are two.”
“An entire day ahead of us?” I shout, nearly hysterical. “They shall destroy everything. My brother is there. My nephew. It’s the only family I have left. I must go. I must get there before the Jackals get to them. I can’t lose them.” I think about the day when my parents died. They died of fever, some type of sickness. It was my brother Grant who took care of me, raised me, and even though we trained as warriors together, he left. He could have been a warrior, but he chose a different life. He met a nice girl, moved to her town, and started a family.
It was a life I swore I never wanted. Now that Lilith is back, it’s all I can think about. “Please, Lord Grimkael. We must get there.”
He clasps his hand on my neck and pulls me forward, our foreheads hitting. “You have my word, Wulf. We shall do the best we can. It’s all I can offer. I remember your brother well. I won’t let anything happen to him if I can help it, but you must get your head on straight. I can’t have one of my best out there thinking with his emotions. Is that clear?”
“I understand.” I nod in a daze. Why are the Jackals interested in that town? It’s poor. Nothing is there. It’s all farmland. Goddess, if anything happened to Grant, I don’t know what I’ll do.
I stand there for a few moments, trying to get my thoughts together when a tight grip on my arm pulls me out of it.
“All shall be well,” Trident tells me.
I blink at him, bringing myself back to the harsh reality that life seems to enjoy hitting me with. It’s just him and me. He stayed when Lord Grimkael and Warlord Einarr left. He didn’t need to do that. “I don’t know about that, Trident.”
“I’ll get your horse ready. Go get food to bring, water, and extra furs. Can you manage?”
I slap his hand away with mine, and a deep rumble vibrates my chest. “Of course I can manage.”
“Then go,” he pushes me away by placing his hand on my chest.
“Trident,” I whisper, letting my bravado crack. Fear trickles through it, and it takes all I have not to break completely. My brother. My fucking blood.
“I know, Wulf. Go. Go so we can leave and get to them. Hurry!” He pushes me again, and this time, it gets me moving.
So I run. I sprint. I give it all I have. My arms pump and my legs hit the ground, hard and unforgiving. The cold air stings my lungs, and tears burn my eyes as I think about my brother. I must get there. I must save him. My feet land on every thorn, rock, and twig there is on the ground, but the pain isn’t enough t
o stop me.
Smoke billows from the chimney, and it tells me Lilith is enjoying the fire. I wish I could enjoy it with her, but time waits for no one. I leap forward and kick the door in. The door crashes open with a loud crash, and a high-pitched yelp comes from the inside.
“Beowulf, I thought—”
I lift my hand and stop her from speaking, probably something about me not coming inside or talking to her and bend down to grab a few furs.
“I don’t have time right now, Lilith. I’m sorry. I’m not here to stay. I must go. I won’t be back for a few days. You’re welcome to stay here. Send for Abram, who will chop firewood for you the next few days.” I keep my tone level, as level as I can without taking my anger and worry out on her.
She throws an entire loaf of bread at me, anger evident in her golden eyes. “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, then.”
Damn it! That fucking sass…
“What door?” I yank it off its hinges—take that−−and toss it in the trees. Don’t ask how I’m doing. Don’t ask where I’m going. Don’t fucking care about me.
It’s fine. This new Lilith, maybe, isn’t the Lilith for me. I’m clouded with desperation to get to my brother, but one thing is clear, Lilith doesn’t give a fuck about me anymore. If she wants me gone, then I shall be gone. Taking care of my blood. Not my past.
I still have time to save them. It’s the only thing I have going for me right now. I stomp out, ignoring Lilith’s protests as she yells for me. I have furs, dried meat, and water. I have enough to last me a week. I might stay gone longer if… if my brother is dead.
When Lilith first arrived, I thought my future looked brighter. Better. I had everything I wanted in life again. Now, I’ve never felt more alone. Everything is grim.
When I break through the treelines, everyone is there waiting on me. Lord Grimkael is on his horse Beast, a big black stallion. Warlord Einarr is on Jasmine, a large dark gray mare, Trident is on Hank, a pure white stallion, and my horse, a large gray stallion named Dire, is saddled and ready.
Beowulf's Claim (Viking Warriors Book 3) Page 9