It’s interesting how these “men of God” get worked up about alcohol and sex while they promise their followers unlimited access to rivers of wine and sex with seventy-plus virgins in heaven. It seems you can have fun in the next life but never in this one.
One video after the other with “live coverage” from the battleground showed the Islamists ransacking the tents of the defeated protestors and then holding condoms and empty bottles of alcohol to the camera. It would really take a moron to go out to protest the president while bringing this stuff with them. And it would take an even bigger moron to believe the Islamist media’s lies.
I was happy with what we did with the episodes that followed this disaster. We didn’t show a single graphic scene. We didn’t play the victim card. We didn’t show the horribly violent clashes. We were true to the message of sarcasm and comedy, and yet we did what no other “serious” show or news outlet dared to do: we exposed those people for who they were. We showed the sick mentality that was driving these insane actions. It was easy to make people hate them, but more important, we showed how absolutely trivial they were.
After those attacks, and with the continuous exposure of their hateful media, the reign of the Islamists seemed to weaken, at least in many major cities, whereas previously any Islamist figure with an al-Qaeda-style beard was considered untouchable. But now those “men of God” were losing their credibility and people were waking up. Now a common name was given to them—“religion dealers.” It was a degrading term used to describe all those with religious authority who profit from religion. Think of your typical crooked televangelists, à la Jimmy Swaggart, and you get the picture.
I went after them in every episode and they didn’t like it. They in turn dedicated most of their airtime to attacking me. They used whatever religious fatwas they could to deem my show as haram. (Hey! Look at you understanding two Arabic words in one sentence now. Way to go!)
In one episode I showed another aspect of how these Islamist minds worked. Part of being a good Muslim was to be decent and respectful and not insult other people, even if they smeared you or called you names. That whole “do unto others” mentality. Yet, it was a constant spectacle to hear and watch the worse kind of smear campaigns and the lowest kind of behavior of these Islamists toward Christians and even other Muslims who didn’t follow their dogma.
The way I ended the episode helped many people see things differently.
I said, “You keep calling us infidels, unworthy of being good Muslims. You know what? We are fine with that. We are through trying to make you happy because there is actually no point in doing so. We will not be put through your guilt trips anymore. You see, it’s a very simple equation: if we are not Muslims in your eyes, well, you are not sheikhs, scholars, or men of religion in ours. You are preaching a religion that we don’t know and don’t want to be part of. Keep that religion to yourself and we will keep ours.”
Those couple of minutes of the show were replayed over and over again on television and online. They offered emancipation for many young people looking for a way out of this eternal religious struggle. As simple as it might seem, this was new for our region to stand up to the tyranny of the religious mafia. Despite being in power, they had no power over us anymore. Whatever respect they had was diminishing in the hearts and minds of the people. And the people “in charge” didn’t try to make it better. They just kept on doing what they did best: becoming more arrogant, alienating everyone, and in the process heading full speed to their own demise.
THE CURIOUS CASE OF ABU ISMAIL
Think of a zealous religious conservative like Mike Huckabee with his extreme fundamentalist quotes and his adorable smile. Then add some Michelle Bachman’s non-fact “facts.” Then mix that with the bigotry of Donald Trump and the self-serving beliefs of Ted Cruz. Then go ahead and wrap everything up in the crazy that is Sarah Palin. Add a dash of twisted religious interpretation and a scary Islamic beard and now you have Abu Ismail.
Hazem Salah Abu Ismail was an Islamist leader. He didn’t officially belong to any political party or group, but instead managed to create a cult of his own.
He had one of those Santa Claus/ISIS beards growing out of, I kid you not, an adorable baby face. He was in his sixties, but without the beard he looked exactly like Paul McCartney in the 1960s. He was a lawyer, but on the side he had a more lucrative job. He was a television sheikh with his own spot in one of the mosques downtown.
He was a different kind of sheikh. He didn’t just speak about good and bad deeds, heaven and hell, or any of those regular topics about religious rituals and chores. He thought of himself as a different brand. He preached what we can call “bullshit applied religion.” He specialized in speaking about matters that are important to a bigoted Muslim, such as how the Western world is a degenerate filthy place that is trying to destroy Islam in every possible way.
He was known for his ability to uncover the Western conspiracies against Islam. One of his famous television lessons showed him explaining that the soda company Pepsi had led a conspiracy. Yes, Pepsi. The one related to child obesity, sugar addiction, and Beyoncé. He said that Pepsi was an acronym for Pay Every Penny to Save Israel.
I will give you a moment to digest all of this . . . Okay, we’re back.
He was out there spreading a utopian image of the Islamic empire; we ruled the world because we were better Muslims. For the likes of Abu Ismail, a vibrant era is only measured by the extent of its geography. They don’t tell you about the atrocities committed by the many caliphs and war leaders (the same way Christians choose to omit what the Roman and Spanish empires did in the name of Christianity).
When you try to reason with Abu Ismail and his contemporaries, the answer will simply be: God said it, not me. You have a problem, take it up with God. And since you don’t really have a direct line to God, the sheikh will be the only one with the valid interpretation of God’s words.
The rise of Abu Ismail was phenomenal. He organized rallies all over the country. The turnout of his supporters was absolutely crazy. What was special about him is that he didn’t try to sugarcoat his words. He didn’t play the political game the Muslim Brotherhood played when asked about issues like equality, women’s rights, minorities, and personal freedom. People liked him because he was “not politically correct, he spoke his mind and told it like it is.” Again—sound familiar?
This was apparent in how he discussed a topic like the hijab. Many Islamic scholars refuse to admit that the Islamic faith forces women to wear it. Alternatively, they still guilt them into wearing it. Abu Ismail laid it out plain and simple: “In the army you can’t just wear anything you want. You need to wear the uniform that your leaders dictate to you. So if God, the leader of all leaders, tells you to wear the hijab, you do it. Or else you are not a part of his ranks and in turn you are not a Muslim. You are a defector. This is an act of mutiny.” We all know what happens to defectors, right? (Make slashing sound with finger as you drag it across your throat.)
The beautiful thing about these people is that they sound as if they are giving you a choice. “You either do it or you are not considered a Muslim.” This is the definition of entrapment.
I desperately tried to host Abu Ismail on my show. I saw one anchor after another fail to confront his bullshit. He could talk ad nauseam and just make things up because the anchors didn’t know any better. Mainly because they didn’t really have a solid background in Islamic history. Now, I was raised in a conservative family, and my father’s job as a judge required him to be knowledgeable about Islamic and civil society. I enjoyed reading a lot about history and how Islam has evolved, thanks in part to my father’s huge library. I could see right through this guy.
I finally got through to one of his close followers or apprentices. He told me that the “sheikh” was too busy but I could come meet him and then we’d take it from there.
I went to his house and waited outside in my car. His apprentice told me that he needed to get going to a rally i
n a town about a two-hour drive away. “He could go with you in the car and you can discuss his appearance with you.”
So for the next two hours I doubled as a chauffeur and as a fixer trying to get him on the show. He sat next to me with two of his closest followers in the backseat.
The guy was very sweet. He talked in a low voice in a respectful way. His ideology was a disaster, though. It was like having a polite conversation with a serial killer.
I didn’t want to confront him on his issues because I didn’t want to alienate him from coming onto the show. But every time I questioned some of his ISIS-like thoughts, he’d say, “I didn’t make this up, they are only God’s words.” I tried to maintain the “stupid anchor” character so he would think I was an easy target and come on the show.
But then we got on the topic of the rights of religious minorities. “You don’t accept that other people from different faiths have the right to promote their beliefs in public, do you?” I asked him.
“It is an Islamic country. Only Islam should be promoted openly. Yet we should love and care for our Christian brothers,” he said.
“Then why do many Islamists whine when one Western country bans the burqa or one European city doesn’t issue a permit to build a mosque? Why do you welcome and take advantage of the fact that any Muslim can stand in the middle of any major city in America or Europe promoting Islam but you don’t accept the same for others here?”
That was a stupid mistake. I could see his followers in the backseat frown as I asked. He never lost his smile. He said some bullshit excuses like every country is different and cultures are not alike, and then changed the subject.
I knew right then that I had lost my chance. Two hours for nothing.
We arrived at the rally, where at least ten thousand people had come to receive him. He was greeted like a rock star as he came onto the stage.
Some of them recognized me. They liked the show and followed me closely. They thought I was funny but hoped that I would take it a little easier on Islam. To them, the likes of Abu Ismail represented real Islam. I watched the rally from a distance with thousands of men cheering on his racist ideas as he laid them out with the biggest of smiles.
Over the next few months this guy’s popularity skyrocketed. Thousands of followers were showing up at his rallies, and I was shocked to find that well-educated people were embracing his message. To be fair, he was vocal against the military. Young people loved that. They were growing tired of the revolution being in standstill mode, so they chose a guy who revolted against military dictatorship, and hoped to replace it with an Islamic military dictatorship. For some reason many ignored the second part of the equation.
Hazem Abu Ismail eventually ran for president. It was scary to find someone with his mentality and popularity having a shot at the presidency. There was only one, technical problem. In Egypt, to run for president, you and your immediate family could not carry another nationality.
He was disqualified when it was found that his mother and sister were living in the United States and held American passports, and as we all know by now, America is a horrible-no-good-very-bad country.
PROSTITUTING AN ANCIENT CIVILIZATION
One of the advantages (and disadvantages) of democracy is that stupid people have the same freedom to speak up. After the revolution the Islamists expressed what was really on their minds, and it was like giving them the rope with which to hang themselves. Thoughts that were discussed for decades only in their closed circles were surfacing freely on the airwaves.
Out of nowhere the Islamists started to attack the pharaohs. Yes, you got that right. They were attacking people who had been dead for thousands of years. A Salafi went on television calling for the Sphinx to be destroyed and for the pyramids to be demolished. He claimed that these were idols and should be destroyed like the Buddha statues in Afghanistan. While he could be viewed as a crazy man who had no weight and no real merit in the Islamist community, when we at the show dug deep, we found very interesting opinions about the issue from their well-known and more popular leaders. The principles and the dogma were one and the same as those of the crazy extremists in Afghanistan or ISIS. The only difference was that the Islamist leaders were diplomatic when they spoke about our ancient civilization. No matter how smart you think you are, your bat-shit crazy opinions could surface and come back to haunt you.
The stupidity went beyond that Salafi guy with plans to destroy the pyramids. It ran deep into Islamist history. In the past, people used God and Islam as excuses to destroy whatever human heritage there was, under the pretense of the monuments or objects being pagan. In all honesty, the Muslim Brotherhood leaders didn’t share the same stupid opinions, at least not openly. But when you are running on an “Islam is the solution” slogan and your biggest ally in the elections and in writing the constitution are Salafis, you risk the generalization. It especially doesn’t help when you are an Islamic authority and you generalize against your opponents, calling them degenerate, sex-hungry liberals. Well, it goes both ways. So when one of your allies speaks in favor of pedophile marriages and female genital mutilation, and allows for the harassment of women because she “brought it on herself by not covering up,” yet you still join forces with this ally and appear on their TV shows, well, I really don’t feel sorry for you. You earned the same stupid reputation.
Anyway, back to the pharaohs. My show’s researchers unearthed more videos and stumbled upon a Salafi party leader who had run for parliament in the recent elections saying that the pharaohs’ civilization was rotten. He went on to espouse that since Islam had entered Egypt, we didn’t need to study or care about this ancient “rotten” civilization that worshiped stones and idols. I commented that it is true, if it wasn’t for Islam entering Egypt we would all be stuck in Cairo’s horrible traffic on a daily basis trying to get to the pyramids to show our respect and give our offering to our pharaoh gods. Thank goodness we could call to prayer from the comfort of our own homes.
Islamists were up in arms against me, saying that I had taken the Salafi leader’s words out of context. So I got more videos of him saying that we should ban receiving money from tourism at our ancient Egyptian monuments because it was haram, and if we really needed to keep those statues we could just put wax masks over them to hide their features. That was a brilliant idea, of course! I suggested why not put masks in the form of his lovely, bearded, peaceful face? Surely it wouldn’t melt under the hot Egyptian sun.
We then got more videos of one of the most credible and respected Salafi leaders suggesting that early Muslims, when they originally took on Egypt, should have destroyed the pharaonic temples and statues.
There was one problem, though; the pyramids and the temples were buried under the sand and it was because of the French invasion of Egypt at the end of the eighteenth century that these monuments were unearthed. So basically the early Muslims didn’t see them and if they did, the “Muslim thing” would be to destroy them. Thank god for sand!
You might think that only the backward Salafi sheikhs were in on this ridiculousness. But it was more of a general way of thinking. As a matter of fact, a “serious” Islamist researcher, with a suit and tie instead of your typical Taliban-like outfit, came out and claimed that the pyramids were built through money paid in return for sexual favors! He said that the daughters of the three kings who built the famous three pyramids of Giza slept with men for money that was later used to finance the building of the pyramids. Given that there are more than two million stones in the Great Pyramid alone, well, that’s a lot of sex. Imagine if the pharaohs continued to rule, we would have built a totally new infrastructure through our harem of royal hos.
When we hear now that ISIS is demolishing a temple or demolishing thousands of heritage sites, it doesn’t come out of nothing. They all come from the same pitiful, extreme source. In Egypt, the Islamists, despite choosing their words carefully, still managed to show their real face.
This is actually why I
have a bit more respect for the Salafis than the Muslim Brotherhood. At least they are straightforward with their stupidity and bigotry. They are our Muslim rednecks. They are the ones waiting for the Rapture and have no problem showing their hate and disdain for others. The Muslim Brotherhood are just power whores sugarcoating their extreme views with fake political correctness, but when you pull back the curtain they behave like any regular Muslim hillbilly.
Their sugarcoating and “tolerance” couldn’t hold up forever. Something had to give. They went after their enemies, and I was one of them.
HOW TO INTERROGATE A JOKER
“There is a warrant for your arrest,” my lawyer told me on the phone.
Since day one of the live tapings we were bombarded with accusations and legal complaints against the program. We had around forty-two legal complaints against us at the office of the general prosecutor. So far the prosecutor had moved none of them forward. You see, the way it works here, people place their complaints, but it is up to the prosecutor whether or not to move forward into an actual investigation. Some of the accusations were ridiculous—like the complaint accusing me of tarnishing the relationship with a friendly country, Pakistan. Up to that point, I didn’t know we had such a sensitive relationship with Pakistan, and I didn’t know how friendly Pakistan was with us. The joke that got me in trouble, though? It was not even a joke. It was a hat.
President Morsi in a visit to Pakistan received an honorary doctorate. The university that was honoring him had a peculiar academic outfit. He was dressed in a fancy graduation gown and hood, but the hat was so fucking funny that we made a replica of it. The only difference was, we made it three feet tall and it weighed forty pounds. I made my entrance onto the stage wearing this monstrosity in the episode following his visit to Pakistan. That gigantic hat became the most iconic prop piece in Arab television history. We had to put it in the lobby of the theater for people to take pictures with it. But in the end, that hat, coupled with other jokes, pissed off the wrong people.
Revolution for Dummies Page 12