Andrew, for his part, missed all of the clues Bernie’s eyes communicated to him. An average man would have known the woman was madly in love with him, but Andrew remained totally oblivious of the fact.
So, for the fourteen years they had known each other, throughout eight years college and six years working side-by-side under a grant from Weston-Mills they’d remained the best of friends but nothing more.
Bernie, worked tirelessly alongside the man she adored, hoping to cure her crippling shyness so she could someday tell him how she really felt, while Andrew remained single-minded and obsessed with curing the disease that robbed him of his big brother and idol.
Time for the pair was running out. Their grant would expire in two months. Neither one of them had been willing to deal with the prospect of no longer working together. Bernie was approached by a headhunter who worked for a major pharmaceutical corporation located in her hometown of Madison Wisconsin. He’d done his research well and discovered a highly qualified candidate in Bernie. The fact that it was in her hometown was the hook. With the research grant expiring soon, he might just reel her in.
It all depended on what Andrew decided to do. Bernie was fairly certain he would find a way to stay. He had developed an obsession with a bartender named Heidi at Alexander’s, a local restaurant, three blocks away. He never had the courage to approach her but she was well aware of his feelings for her. She caught all the not-so-subtle glances.
Bernie looked up from her microscope and stretched her eye muscles. The concentration was giving her eyestrain. She heard the jangling of Andrew’s keys as he unlocked the door and then entered carrying a box of supplies.
Soon, the supplies would be absorbed into the tangle of Petri-dishes, test tubes, beakers, Bunsen burners, and a million other tools and gadgets filled with a profusion of various chemical concoctions.
“Hey, Bernie.”
“Hi, Andrew.”
“Bernie, I’ve got some terrific news. Come have lunch with me and I’ll explain.”
Bernie slumped and sighed deeply as she peeled off her white lab coat. Her pink cashmere sweater crackled with static electricity.
Andrew held the door and the pair emerged out into the brilliant glare of Florida sunshine.
They began their ritual walk along the three blocks of palms punctuated with bundles of elephant grass groomed to look like drums. Bernie dreaded this. They arrived at twelve sharp, as usual; sat in the corner both, as usual; and Andrew ordered a rib-eye medium with a loaded baked potato. As usual.
Then, like every other weekday for the past two years, he began to ogle the barkeep. Heidi was tall, blonde-haired, and fake. From her straight platinum hair and claw-like fingernails, to her fake D-cup breasts and her slight affect of speech, which matched no known country’s accent?
Her icy-blue Nordic eyes were every bit as sharp as her mind. Her chiseled angular face gave the appearance of a rat spying a piece of cheese. She was edgy and always on the lookout for her next victim to come along.
She glanced at Andrew and shook her head in mild disgust. Andrew quickly averted his eyes. He could not have been less her type if he tried. He became fixated on her, though he never found the courage to ask her out.
“So what’s the news?” Bernie interrupted with a note of irritation in her voice.
“Bernie, I’ve solved all our problems. I’ve made a breakthrough.”
“You found a cure!”
“No, not exactly. But I’ve stumbled upon something else that is going to make us rich beyond our wildest dreams.”
Bernie’s eyes narrowed with intense curiosity. “What? Tell me!”
“Okay, let me explain.” Andrew instantly came alive shifting in his seat and gesticulating with his hands the way he always did when he started talking about science.
“You know, I’ve been charting the effects of pheromones on the limbic system as they relate to the process of image formation.”
“Yeah?”
“Well, I took a molecule of pheromone produced in the brain during the stage when an offspring bonds and imprints on its mother. Then I took a molecule of pheromone produced when a mating couple bond. I found a way to fuse them together using a molecule of vascular material from a sample of arterial tissue.”
“Yes?” Bernie was hanging on his every word.
“So the result is a complex molecule that shares only one electron in its outer shell. It’s the perfect configuration to interlock with a DNA molecule and remain stable.”
“So?”
“Well don’t you see? You can put a DNA molecule in the chain. And when you introduce it to a subject they are immediately bonded to the donor DNA for life.”
“You lost me. What does any of this have to do with curing schizophrenia?”
“Well nothing obviously. This is a side project I’ve been working on at the house. Don’t you see what this means? I’ve created the perfect love potion. Now a person can choose anyone they want to fall head-over-heels in love with them and it will last a lifetime. We’ll make billions.”
“That doesn’t sound ethical to me. Love should be natural. You shouldn’t go messing around with Mother Nature like that. You can’t force things.”
“Well I’m afraid I already have. I’ve already tested it on mice and it works perfectly.”
“Andrew! People are not mice. This could be very dangerous. If it’s irreversible, that could be disastrous. Some people are meant to be together and some aren’t.” Bernie thought of the bartender, Heidi, as she realized what Andrew intended.
“That’s not the case. I have an antidote.”
“How’s that?”
“Well, the molecule of vascular tissue used is sensitive to snake venom. The hemotoxin dissolves the vascular molecule and the whole chain unravels leaving behind nothing more than a few pheromone molecules and a trace amount of venom.”
“Andrew, that sounds insane! That could be really dangerous.”
Andrew shot a glance at the barkeep as she ground ice for margaritas.
“You intend to use it on her, don’t you?”
Andrew’s expression was one of sheepish embarrassment as Bernie hit the nail on the head.
“Andrew, you can’t do that. It hasn’t even been tested on humans yet. Mice aren’t men. You can’t do it! It could have any number of unforeseen side-effects.”
Andrew’s expression grew serious. It took on a grim, almost desperate look.
“I know, Bernie. I realize that. That’s why I need your help.”
“My help! What can I do?” Bernie mouth formed a perfect O as the shock set in once she realized what he was asking. “No way! You’re not testing that stuff on me.”
Andrew took a deep breath and launched into his spiel, which Bernie realized was obviously well rehearsed.
“Don’t you see, Bernie? This is the solution to all of our problems. We’ll have enough money to never need funding again. That is, if we even want to keep working. And, Bernie, that’s not even the best part. This will solve your problem as well.
You could just pick a man, any man you want and he could be all yours.”
Bernie had to break eye contact with Andrew as a glint of frustration and despair flashed in her eyes since the very man he described sat not three feet from her. Her heart sank. The grant money running out was bad enough. She felt sure they would find a way to stay together even if their grant didn’t get extended. But this! This was a disaster. He would give Heidi the love potion and she would fall madly in love with him.
Andrew would be lost to Bernie forever. She was completely out of time now and had to think of something fast. Her life began flashing before her eyes. Her life with Andrew. The life that she’d envisioned for so long. Her whole future. Their future. Everything was crumbling down aroun
d her. Her eyes glazed over with sadness.
She had always imagined a huge wedding with her entire family in attendance. A honeymoon somewhere exotic. Rio maybe. She saw them having a couple of kids. Living in a quiet coral colored house down by the ocean. What was she going to do? She needed to talk to Judy. She needed to buy herself more time.
“All right. I’ll think about it. But, Andrew, you have to promise me you aren’t going to doing anything rash. I know how you can get when you get an idea stuck in your mind. You get tunnel vision and there’s no reasoning with you. Promise me you’ll wait until tomorrow.” Bernie leaned her face in so she could look into Andrew’s downcast eyes. She wanted to burn the seriousness of her words into his mind. She could already see the wheels turning in there. “Promise me, Andrew.”
“I promise. I swear. You know you’re the only person I could ever trust with this. Please. It won’t be bad. I promise. Just let me test it on you. It’ll be simple. I give you the elixir. You fall madly in love with me. We’ll wait and see if there are any side effects. Then I’ll give you the antidote and you’ll go back to feeling nothing more for me than friendship. The way you do now.”
Bernie’s head was swimming. She wanted to slap him but she knew it wouldn’t do any good. “This really means that much to you?” Bernie asked, her voice already half sunk in melancholy.
Andrew gazed at Heidi. His expression was wistful and a million miles away. “Oh, Bernie, this would mean everything to me. I see her and I see a whole future together. A huge wedding with our families there. A honeymoon somewhere exotic. Rio de Janeiro, maybe. We’ll live in a nice, soft pastel-colored house by the beach. A couple kids and a dog. Can’t you see it, Bernie?”
“Yeah, I guess so,” Bernie mumbled.
Chapter 3
After a long, tiring day, Bernie was finally on her way home. She began to hurry because in about fifteen minutes, the sun would be low enough to blind her completely.
Although she was quiet by nature, Bernie hadn’t said two words to Andrew since lunch. Things were becoming unsettled at work, that was true, but things between her and Andrew were fine. Until today, his fixation on Heidi was merely an annoying distraction. It made for a boring lunch since she’d had every item on the menu fifty times. But that was the worst of it.
Bernie saw the way Heidi looked at Andrew. She knew she had no cause for concern. But this new ‘love potion’ changed everything. Bernie pulled her tiny blue Honda Civic up in front of their cute seashell bungalow of a house. Judy’s sexy jacked-up black truck with the knobby tires was already in the driveway. Thank goodness.
The house they shared was a little two-bedroom. Most of the walls were progressively warmer shades of pink. The previous tenant never could get the color temperature right. With the plastic flamingoes in the front yard to complete the picture, it was a typical Florida house. If it were anywhere else, people would have stopped and stared.
“Hey, Judy, I’m home.” Bernie tossed her purse on the kitchen table and got a 7-Up out of the fridge.
“Hey, girl, don’t get comfortable. We’ve got work to do.” Judy Marx, Bernie’s roommate, couldn’t have been more unlike Bernie if she put her mind to it. She was on the border of loud, yet she was fun and gregarious. Short and stocky with wavy blonde hair that couldn’t decide if it wanted to be curly or straight. It suited Judy to a tee.
Bernie never knew what cockamamie scheme or hobby Judy was going to take up next. Tango lessons, Vegan diets, Haitian voodoo, it didn’t matter, if it caught Judy’s fancy, she’d try it.
“What work? I’m pooped.”
Judy emerged from her bedroom in an old pair of Levi’s with shredded cuffs and a Frankie Goes to Hollywood T-shirt. “Have a look. They’re back.” Judy pointed out the window to the backyard that terminated into one of the many canals that crisscrossed the city.
“Not again.”
“Afraid so.”
They looked out the back door at the pair of alligators, one was seven foot long, and the other was nine-foot. “Damn it. All right.” Bernie pouted as she went and threw on an old pair of jeans and a pair of rubber boots. A plain white cotton T-shirt was the only top she was willing to sacrifice for this job.
“Here.” Judy handed her a catchpole and a roll of black electrical tape. She had a pole and roll of tape for herself. “Come on, we have to move them before she gets a chance to build a nest.” The two marched out the back door determined to reclaim their territory.
“How was work?” Judy asked perfunctorily, as she pounced on the back of the male gator.
“Honestly. This may have been the worst day of my life.” Bernie began as she poked and stabbed at the female gator to keep her from attacking Judy. It snapped viciously and clamped its teeth momentarily on the tip of the catchpole.
“What on earth happened?” Judy panted and huffed as she wound the tape around the gator’s mouth four times. She taped its legs up behind its back. “Did your grant extension get denied?”
“No, it’s way worse than that.” Bernie waited for Judy to hurl herself onto the furious female gator’s back.
Together, they pinned her down and started winding tape around her mouth and legs as Bernie began to explain. “Andrew has made a breakthrough.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?” Judy asked, as they heaved the female gator up into the bed of her pickup on the count of three. They went back and grabbed the other one.
“No, no, it’s not a breakthrough on his schizophrenia research. Apparently, he’s been working at home on some sort of side project. He says he’s invented some sort of elixir that will cause the person of your choice to fall madly in love with you and stay that way for life.” Bernie knew better than to go into the science. Judy had majored in physical education with a barely respectable C+ average.
“Seriously! Does it work?” Judy asked, seeming to already like the idea. The two piled into the cab after securing the gators and began the drive out to the Everglades.
“When have you ever known Andrew to not be serious?”
Bernie had a good point. Andrew was kind-hearted but the concept of humor was outside his narrow bandwidth. “But isn’t that a good thing? I mean if it works you two could become rich.”
“That’s the problem. If it works, there won’t be any ‘you two.’ He’s concocted this whole thing in order to win over the bartender, Heidi.”
“Of course. Hey, that reminds me, do you want to have steak for dinner?”
“Ha-ha-ha! Very funny! After two years of steak at Alexander’s for lunch, I may never eat steak again. Judy, I’m serious. I may be about to lose my job and my man as well.”
“But, Bernie, he’s not your man. He’s your friend. It sounds to me like it’s time for you to tell him how you really feel.” Judy turned off the last paved road onto a hard dirt track that skirted the edge of the glades for a few miles.
“I know. I’ve tried a zillion times. I just can’t.”
“Well then, you’re going to lose him. Hey, wait a second. Why don’t you just use the elixir on him?”
“No way! I want our love to be real. Not just some chemical reaction in his brain.”
Judy pulled the truck off the road and into a clearing along the edge of the murky green water. She parked; they jumped out, and grabbed the first gator by both sets of legs. “Well, maybe you should take what you can get?” Judy dog piled the beast while Bernie carefully cut away the tape.
On three, they both jumped clear. The gator whipped around, snapping his displeasure before backing into the slimy water and vanishing.
“I don’t know. It just seems wrong to me. That’s not even the worst part. He wants to use me as a guinea pig to test his miraculous love potion before he uses it on Heidi.” Bernie panted for air as she collapsed onto the back of the female gator.
&n
bsp; “But that doesn’t make any sense. If he uses it on you, you’ll fall madly in love with him, which also doesn’t make any sense, because you are already madly in love with him. What? Does he want both you and Heidi?” Judy popped the tape around the female’s mouth. The gator thrashed at just the worst moment. “Oh crap!” Judy shouted, as she tumbled sideways. It wasn’t the gator that made her scream. It dashed off into the hidden murk the instant Judy was off her back. Judy had landed about four feet from a fat water moccasin. “Hey, toss me the machete, will you?”
Bernie was already digging around for it behind the seat before Judy asked. She slowly passed it over to Judy just as the snake’s irritation had it up and bobbing its head, ready to strike.
“No, Andrew has an antidote. He said I could fall in love with him and then go back to feeling nothing special for him the way I do right now.”
“Did you slap him?” Judy asked, as she smoothly arced the blade through the thick moist air.
“No. It wouldn’t do any good.” Bernie picked up the snake’s head between grudging fingers and hurled it out into the water with an ‘icky’ expression on her face.
“So what did you tell him?” Judy, after draining the blood out of it, coiled up the headless water moccasin and stuffed it in her snake bag.
“I said I’d give him an answer tomorrow. I wanted to talk to you first.” They climbed back in the truck and headed home. “So what should I do?” Bernie’s sad green eyes grew wide and questioning as she held the snake bag in her lap.
Good Chemistry Page 2