There were more words but they were forming a fuzz in my mind. Someone handed me a glass of water. I sipped at it. A voice said, ‘Do you want to go outside?’ I shook my head.
A short time elapsed. There was a buzz of voices about me. I felt I was going to collapse because there, holding me up on one side was Hamilton and on the other, Begonia, and they were saying, Hang on, hang on. It won’t be long. It can’t be long. Then a voice broke in on theirs, saying, ‘Here they come.’
‘Do you find the prisoner guilty, or not guilty?’
‘Guilty on all charges.’
The glass was at my mouth again. I took another sip of water, then I was looking upwards. My head didn’t seem to belong to my body, it wanted to roll from side to side, it seemed so heavy. I was looking at the judge and he was addressing Stickle. I felt a great sigh escape from the bottom of my stomach, spiral up through my chest, my throat, and out of my mouth at his words: ‘I sentence you to twelve years’ imprisonment. To my mind it is a just sentence for the acts you have perpetrated. I see you as a cruel, calculating, and wicked man, and for the safety of your former wife and those connected with her, it is wise to see that you are put in a position where you can offer them no further harm. And let us hope by the time your sentence expires you will have rid yourself of the fearful hate that has consumed you and brought you to the position you are in today.’
He had hardly finished speaking when a scream vibrated through the court, and Stickle, held now on each side by the two policemen, was glaring in my direction as he yelled, ‘What’s twelve years? I have a son, he’ll see to you, you bloody, barmy…‘
His voice could still be heard as he was dragged down the steps to the cells below.
It was too much. As Hamilton put his foreleg around me I let myself go …
I came to in what, I suppose, was one of the offices at the back of the court. I kept my eyes closed for some time and was aware of low voices murmuring. I wasn’t interested in anything they were saying until I heard someone say, ‘The boy. His case will come up tomorrow. He’ll likely be sent to a special home. Sergeant Green says that since he broke down and spilled the beans he’s been different again. It was the father’s influence, I think, that brought out the worst in him. He’s expressed a wish to go home to his mother, but I don’t think she’s very anxious to have him. That’s another one the verdict will have pleased because by all accounts she, too, has gone through the hoop with that fellow.’
‘She wasn’t in court?’
‘No.’
‘Mind, I didn’t think he would get that, twelve years. I imagined the old boy would give him five or perhaps seven at the most, but twelve! Of course, he would remember the last time he was in court when butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. And then, it was arson, and you can get life for that.’
‘Are you all right, lass?’ It was Gran’s voice. ‘Come on, sit up and have this cup of tea. It’s all over. You’re all right now. Come on.’
There were hands under my shoulders and I was brought upright on the leather couch. The room seemed full of men. I turned my head and looked at the man who had helped me up. It was Mike, and he repeated Gran’s words, ‘It’s over now, lass,’ he said.
I made no movement, not even to blink, I just stared at him, for Stickle’s hate was still ringing in my ears and his words, ‘What’s twelve years?’ And I shuddered as I thought that the verdict might have taken a different turn had not the counsel brought up his sister May’s name. Strange, May had been the instigator of all that had happened, because, yes, she had manoeuvred me into marriage with Howard because of her one desire to give him the security of a good house and a wife with a bit of money. But it was the mention of her name that had condemned him. Strange, strange …
There was no celebration after this case as there had been after the previous one, when we had all gone back to the house, and the drink had flowed, and Nardy had sung. He had sung to me, telling me of his love before he had actually voiced it. And we had all sung. It had been a wonderful night. But this time there was no drink except tea, and we sat crowded in Gran’s kitchen, just the family and Tommy: the rest had gone their ways. I kept saying, ‘I must go to the hospital. I must tell Nardy.’ And one after the other they said, ‘There’s plenty of time. Rest yourself. ’Tisn’t every day you pass out.’ This hadn’t even raised a titter.
Mary had made a scratch meal, but I couldn’t eat anything, neither could Tommy. And after a short while George said, ‘You won’t be satisfied until you go, will you? So I think you’d better get yourself away.’ He looked at Tommy and Tommy said, ‘Yes, you’re right, George.’
And so I was sitting alone in the car again with Tommy. He had come up yesterday especially for the case, but prior to that I hadn’t seen him for a month. I knew he wrote to Nardy, and I felt peeved at times that he didn’t come up at the weekend to see him. But Nardy had made excuses for him, saying that he was seeing to his work as well as his own, as they hadn’t taken on anyone else. But I still thought he could have made the journey for his life now seemed to be spent racing around in this car.
We drew up in the car park next to the hospital and as he took out the keys and was about to get out, I put my hand on his sleeve and said, ‘What is it, Tommy?’
‘What do you mean, what is it, Maisie?’
‘Aren’t you well?’
‘Yes, I’m well, that’s as well…as the doctor would say, as can be expected. We’ve all been through a difficult time. Perhaps you remember.’
This wasn’t the Tommy I knew, and I said, harshly, ‘Tommy, please don’t take that attitude with me.’ And at this he lay back in the seat and drooped his head forward for a moment before he said, ‘I’m sorry, Maisie, but, I don’t feel myself these days.’ He gave a shaky laugh now and glanced at me as he went on, ‘I don’t read poetry any more: I don’t spout it to myself as I’m getting dressed; I don’t quote it at people on every possible occasion. The hate of my mother and her duplicity over all those years to keep me tied to her apron strings has deepened tenfold. And that’s only the beginning of it.’
I had my hand on his now, saying softly, ‘You are the same Tommy. This is all the result of shock. We are all undergoing it in one way or another, and we are all, yes, we are all worried about you, and especially so is Nardy. You are his best friend. He thinks the world of you.’ I didn’t know whether this was absolutely true now but I was making myself say it.
He withdrew his hand from mine and, bringing himself upright in the seat, he said, ‘Nardy. I…I want you to break something to him, because I’ll find it difficult to tell him, but I’m leaving the firm, really leaving, not just taking the sabbatical to do the tour.’
‘What!’ The question came from high in my head. ‘I…I understand that you are for promotion when Mr Rington goes at the end of the year.’
‘Yes, I understand that too, but it’s come too late. Anyway, I’ve told God the Father’—this was Tommy’s nickname for Mr Houseman—‘and all being well, I’ll be off permanently at Easter, that’s if they can find a replacement.’ He now showed a bit of his old self when he dug his thumb into his chest, saying, ‘Of course it will be difficult to find anyone to replace me!’ Then he went on, ‘June, at the latest.’
My voice was very small when I said, ‘What are you going to do?’
‘Oh’—his reply was airy—‘I’ve got it all planned out. I’m not just going to do a world tour, I’m going to discover the world. I’m going to travel. I’m sick of London. I’m sick of the whole country. Everything’s changed. Oh, this is not a new thought. You see, I used to set my judgement by the House of Houseman and the people who worked there. In the main, we were all…well, sort of gentlemen, you know what I mean, at least on the surface. Our attitude to one another, our manners. We still opened doors for secretaries; we still bid each other good morning; and bloody was about as far as we went in language, at least while on the premises. But all that’s changed.’
I
looked through the windscreen at the flashing lights of cars coming and going in the darkening twilight, and after a moment I said, ‘That to me is a poor excuse for opting out, which is only another name for running away.’
‘Perhaps you’re right. Perhaps the main trouble is I’m immature, I need to grow up. But I’ll have to get going, won’t I?’
His hand on the door handle again, he asked, ‘When do you think you’ll be coming home, back to town?’
‘I don’t really know but I’m going to see the doctor to find out when it will be safe for Nardy to be moved. The graftings could surely be done in London.
‘And when will you be up again?’ I asked him.
‘Likely at the weekend.’ He was smiling at me now. ‘By the way, Hamilton hasn’t got a spare friend he could let me have? I need someone to talk at times.’
I smiled back at him as I replied, ‘I’ll see what I can do. But there’s one thing you must remember, Tommy, you must never talk at a horse, you must talk to him.’
‘OK. I’ll remember that.’
We parted smiling, but I didn’t see Hamilton galloping before me, nor yet Begonia. But halfway up the hospital corridor my step slowed, and it came to me that Tommy was desperately lonely, and I said to myself: He should be married. Yes, he should get married. And I earnestly hoped that he would …
Nardy looked much brighter. He put both hands out towards me in greeting, and he was the first to speak, saying, ‘I know all about it.’
‘You can’t. I’ve just come from there. Well, I mean, I went back with Gran and them, but…‘
‘Sister was off duty. She was in the court. She came back bursting with it.’
Of a sudden I was grateful to the sister, for I would have found it painful, even to describe in a little Stickle’s intense hate of me. The fact that I could arouse such hate in a human being both worried and frightened me.
Nardy was saying, ‘It’s all over. He’s been put where he won’t trouble you for a long time, and he’ll likely find plenty inside to work out his hate on. Oh, my dear, you look so tired.’
‘I’m not tired. I don’t do anything to make me tired, but—’ I paused, then drew one of his hands tight against my breast as I added, ‘I’d love to be home. Wouldn’t you?’
‘Two minds but a single thought. I saw the specialist yesterday. He says two or three weeks. Let them have another go at me. They’re all so very good, marvellous, and I’m feeling better every day.’ He asked now, ‘Has Tommy gone down to see Kitty?’
I shook my head, ‘No, no, he hasn’t; he’s going straight back to town.’
‘Without coming in?’ There was a hurt note in his voice and his expression was a puzzled one. ‘He purposely didn’t come in,’ I said, ‘because he had something to tell you and he couldn’t bring himself to it.’
He waited, staring straight at me, and when I said, ‘He’s leaving the firm,’ he made a small noise in his throat, then said, ‘No!’ and added, ‘Well, I’m not really surprised.’
‘He’s in a very odd mental state, has been since that night,’ I said. ‘I can’t get to the bottom of it. He told me just a little while ago that he doesn’t read poetry any more, nor spout it, and that he is disillusioned with the firm and the country and everything.’
Nardy turned his head and looked towards the man in the opposite bed who was in an even worse state than himself, having being scalded when a boiler burst, and he said, quietly, ‘But that isn’t like Tommy.’ And looking at me again, he asked quietly, ‘Is that all you gathered?’
‘What do you mean, dear, is that all I gathered?’
‘Well, he didn’t confide in you personally about anything?’
‘No, no, not at all.’
‘He’s been avoiding me.’
‘Oh, no.’
‘Oh, yes. Do you know that the last time he was here he didn’t stay five minutes, and I know that he made two visits to Kitty. I wouldn’t have known he had been in again only one of the nurses told me what great fun he had caused in her ward. He had them all singing? K…K…Katie. Beautiful Katie. And then George and Mary came on the scene and it ended up more like a party.’
All of a sudden his head jerked upwards and he said, ‘Well, if that’s the way he wants it, let him have it.’
‘Oh, but Nardy, he thinks the world of you.’
There I was again saying something I was doubting in my own mind. And Nardy said, his tone serious now, ‘What does that really mean, Maisie, when somebody thinks the world of you? If they think the world of you like I do of you, and you of me, they want to see the person they think the world of as often as possible. Friendship, you know, can be as strong as love.’ Then his mood changing, he made an effort to lean towards me as he said, ‘Come along, don’t look like that. You see the man over there, the second from the end? He’s got a pet phrase: There’s nowt so funny as folk. His family come in and they talk round his bed and he never opens his mouth until they go, and then he looks down the ward, his face one big grin, and he says, “There’s nowt so funny as folk.” His wife brings him sweets; she talks all the time. His grandchildren come in and eat the sweets. His daughter brings him fruit, and his son-in-law practically goes through that. He’s got a grandson who comes in in full motorbike kit, stands at the bottom of the bed and shouts as if his grandfather was sailing up the Tyne, “Hello, codger!”’
I was smiling now, even laughing, and I said, ‘You’ll have to write a book about your experiences here.’
‘No, I’ll just tell them to you, and you put it in. By the way, where’s Hamilton?’ He turned his head slowly and looked about him, then added, ‘And his dear wife?’
My voice was quiet as I replied, ‘Strangely, I haven’t seen either of them for some time except for a moment or two in the court.’
‘Oh, come now, come, you’ve got to get hold of him again. Put a halter on him; he’s our jam on the bread.’ He gripped my hand now and in a whisper he said, ‘Bring Hamilton back. You’re always happier when he’s about; you’re more yourself.’
I didn’t answer. I just looked at my dear, dear husband who was telling me that I appeared much more sane when I conjured up a horse and his mate and gave them life form.
I noted that he hadn’t alluded to Stickle’s last throw at me: You crippled, undersized, barmy sod, you! But then perhaps the sister had been thoughtful.
Twelve
I didn’t write to Janet to tell her that I would be going down because I knew she would scurry around cleaning places that didn’t need cleaning. So when I put my key in the door and stepped into the hall I was amazed to hear a childish voice coming from the direction of the kitchen.
I had got the first train down this morning with the intention of getting the business done with regard to Nardy’s future treatment. I had a letter from the hospital doctor which was to be given to the doctor with whom I had made an appointment over the phone. I pushed from my mind the suspicion that the hospital doctor had written this letter with some reluctance. Anyway I was aiming to return north tonight, because somehow I couldn’t let a day pass without seeing Nardy. So here I was, at a quarter to one, and evidently Janet was still here and she had a child with her, likely the grandchild she had spoken of.
Not to startle her, I called loudly, ‘Janet! It’s me.’
A very surprised woman looked at me from the kitchen door at the far end of the hall, and as she did so she thrust her foot backwards and I heard a small shrill voice say, ‘Oh, gag!’ or something that sounded like that.
‘I didn’t expect you.’ Janet reached out and pulled the kitchen door closed after her, then came towards me, saying, ‘Are you all right? What’s happened? Why are you…?’
I held up my hand now, flapping it at her, saying, ‘I’ve just popped down, Janet. I’m…I’m seeing a doctor this afternoon about Nardy. I want to bring him home as soon as possible.’
Whatever she was going to say next was stilled as she turned her face to the side to where a s
mall boy was emerging from the kitchen. He was bent over, rubbing his shins, and he said, ‘You bloody well kicked me, Gag.’
I watched Janet close her eyes for a moment, then, stretching out a hand, grab the little fellow and thrust him back into the kitchen; and, before closing the door on him, she growled, ‘You stay put. Don’t move. Do you hear?’
Then as I took my hat and coat off she came up to me again, saying, ‘Sorry, ma’am, Mrs Leviston. It’s a long story. But I’ll get you a cup of tea first.’ She was definitely flustered.
‘Don’t bother with tea, Janet. Let’s go and sit down and have a sherry, I’m needing it, and by the look of you’—I smiled now—‘so are you.’
I went into the drawing room, but stopped just within the doorway. I hadn’t forgotten what this room looked like, but on the sight of it, at this moment, it appeared like heaven, all gold and blue. Turning to Janet, I said, ‘Oh, it looks wonderful. You’ve got no idea how wonderful it is just to see it again.’ And I put my hand out to her and patted her arm as I added, ‘It’s just as if I had left it yesterday. Go on, bring the sherry in.’
A few minutes later I was seated on the couch and Janet was perched on the edge of the chair opposite me. I had briefly given her my news concerning Nardy and Kitty, and the rest of the family, and she tut-tutted here and there, the while shaking her head. Yet, all the time I knew that what she had to tell me of her own troubles seemed naturally much more important at the moment. And, to bring the matter up, I said, ‘Who is our visitor? Where does he come in?’
Goodbye Hamilton Page 17