by Pamela Ann
Chapter 28
“I was thinking of enrolling you in a class… Yoga, perhaps?” Logan mentioned at lunch while I frowned and thought about his idea.
I doubted yoga was going to be of any help. It was kind of him to suggest it, though. “I’m not sure if that’s for me. But thanks for the thought. I actually went to the café next door to get some coffee in the morning when I realized we forgot to get some at the grocery, and I asked if they needed help. I have an appointment tomorrow at lunch.”
His eyes bulged out, excitement all over him as he grinned at me widely. “Heck, that’s awesome, Ana! You’re going to nail that interview. It’s perfect ‘cause you’re going to be busy, and at the same time, the café is small, so you won’t get too overwhelmed by the crowd, you know?”
I smiled back, thinking the same. “You think I’ll really nail it? I don’t have any experience…” I’d scrub the floors if it’s what it took for them to hire me. I needed this job, I was desperate for it.
“You’re going to be fine. Just be you—honest and straight-forward. Tell them that you don’t have any experience, but you’ll work double the effort just to make your point.”
Two weeks on and he already knew me. “Damn right.”
“Damn straight!”
Both grinning like idiots, we left lunch and headed straight into a bookstore to get me some self-help books, DVDs to watch while he worked, and other books that might give me more enlightenment and encouragement since I didn’t want to go see a specialist or a therapist yet.
Things were progressing so smoothly I was giddy when I finally got my first job the next day. I wasn’t sure if it was from the adrenaline or the happiness that bubbled out of me for securing the job, but something blossomed that night to the point we ended up kissing and I almost, almost had sex with him. Not only did it awaken the monster hunger in my body, however it showed me I was capable of intimacy even though I had no drugs.
Though we didn’t go all the way, my body hummed. It came alive when I was writhing underneath him. Moreover, even though we could’ve gone all the way, I somehow didn’t because, at the oddest time, Hunter’s face came out of nowhere, halting the simmering heat Logan was doing to my body.
Logan said it was okay, that he wasn’t expecting anything. All I could do was barely nod as I said goodnight before running inside the bathroom, needing some time to think.
“What the fuck was that?” I hissed at my reflection.
It took me about ten minutes to calm down before I came out and went back to bed.
Logan held me that night, but I couldn’t get Hunter out of my mind.
+++
My first day at work was rigorous. Memorizing what went where and which was which wasn’t all that hard, the thing I found most difficult was pretending to be chipper. Apart from the kitchen staff and the owner, the rest of the people that worked there were my age, and all were upbeat, bright, and smiley and chipper as heck. Nice and pleasant, I could do, but chipper? I would need to practice for a year before I could pass it off without looking like I had swallowed a lemon.
The girls I worked with were very nice. Most of them had come from different states to study and be free, just like me. Most of all, several of them confessed they had chosen SD—short of San Diego—because there were a lot of hot men around, not to mention Camp Pendleton nearby, oozing with men and testosterone in case one got bored of the surfer boys and their crazy party antics.
It was all new to me, being surrounded by girls my age that couldn’t seem to stop talking about boys and why they were so hung up, or why they couldn’t seem to be happy, or what they could do to make the men happy. What surprised me most at first was how these girls couldn’t stop talking about the opposite sex and sex.
The latter was a daily topic.
When it was break time, enter sex.
In between customers, enter sex.
Truly, it was everywhere. What caught me off guard, though, was when they started talking about toys. That I wasn’t prepared to hear.
“What do you mean toys?” I frowned at Carrie as I refilled the salt and pepper shakers. How the heck did toys and sex go together? I mean, it could if you were high and stuff and that was your game, I supposed.
She rolled her eyes at me, giggling at my naiveté. “No silly, toys for sex… to help you reach double the orgasm, you know.”
Huh. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
She giggled again. “You’re from Seattle? Isn’t that like a big city? You remind me of a virgin sometimes ‘cause you turn pink and have this innocent look sometimes, clueless and all that.”
If she only knew, I thought grimly as I mumbled my reply. “Late puberty.”
After she left to tend to a customer, I was left with my shakers, pondering about these toys and what they looked like; most of all I was thinking about what Carrie had said about double the orgasm. Quite frankly, masturbation was my answer to my drug addiction. Because, after work, even though I would be tired, I would still lay in bed and daydream about the shot. Willing my mind and imagination to shut off was a difficult feat, as a result I would tend to myself to make myself exhausted enough to pass out like a light after I came.
Curiosity piqued, I asked Carrie if she could accompany me to the nearest sex shop to help me pick the right one since I had no clue what to choose.
“Girl, I got you. I’m the right person to guide you with these things. You have to meet the bunny. And after you’ve graduated with him, I have more exciting stuff to show you,” Carrie said as she popped her gum before going into great detail about what types of vibrators and dildos were on the market.
I’d had no idea that it was vast… really vast.
That night, I met the bunny. Moreover, let’s just say it was the perfect solution for the moment. It solved my problem, and I didn’t need a man to get there. I know I was indulging my sex addiction, but it was either that or go back to drugs. Drugs would not only ruin me, but they would seriously kill me and all the things I had worked hard for.
I was finally making friends. I had a stable job I was starting to really like. And I was actually thinking of school and my future. These had been my dreams once, when I had been stuck in the dark hole with Doug. I wouldn’t risk getting into drugs again without having flashbacks of my reasons. It never failed to keep me in check.
Sex addiction was something I could hide, something I could still control without going too crazy with it. As long as I came twice a day, I was functioning fine. Of course I would be careful not to do it when Logan was around. In fact, I was careful not to do anything remotely sexual when he was about. He was my ally, and even though he and I got on well, I thought hard and long about whether I was ready for anything at all. Truth be told, I wasn’t. I had a long list of issues to deal with, therefore adding another problem into the mix would be a disaster. We hadn’t really spoken about what had happened since that night, and I planned to bring it up sometime soon.
Besides, what good would I be if I couldn’t give him my all? Most especially when Hunter took over my mind whenever I thought of anything sexual. Most, most especially when, as I was getting intimate with myself, his image would flitter into my mind, so vivid sometimes I could almost feel him—taste him. I would come, thinking of him, and I would ride the high it gave me. However, once it wore off, I would always end up feeling blue and back in my funk, wondering why I simply couldn’t take him out of my mind.
He was nice, but he wasn’t a saint. Hunter did bad and horrible things—maybe much worse than Doug’s on the drug dealing scale—and yet, all those valid, logical thoughts didn’t get me far. He lingered. Daily. Day and night, to no avail. The more frustrated I became, the harder I fought it.
I made a list of my goals. The top three were:
Get a place of my own
Go to UCSD to speak to a councilor to help me get into admissions
Stop thinking about Hunter
My goals were not i
mpossible to accomplish. I was almost confident that, if I managed past the first two, the third would be peanuts.
When I told Carrie I was looking for a place to live, she was all over it, asking everyone she knew. And, of course, she was almost friends with the entire school. After a day, she found me a room that was being rented out in a three-bedroom apartment. It was only a block away from work and two blocks from Logan’s place. The price was decent, thus I took it the minute after I saw the spot.
Dorothy and Reyna were both hardcore when it came to their school and studying, and I thought then that this was a perfect setting for me to be around—serious, committed students—because I needed to focus. Partying, though I hadn’t gone to one, would only derail my plans. I knew myself too well. I knew drugs and alcohol dominated parties, and knew better than put myself in that direction, testing my limits just to see if I could resist the urge. Maybe one day when I was strong enough, but I wasn’t there yet. Subsequently, no parties for me, and I was fine with that.
When Logan came in at the usual time of two fifteen in the morning, he was surprised to see me up and waiting for him.
“You didn’t get in trouble, did you?” It was the first thing he said with a large frown.
I flinched. His comment hurt my pride a little. I knew he meant well, but still, knowing he doubted me proved well enough that I had a long, long way ahead of me.
Shaking my head, I pushed myself up and sat on the bed, bringing my knees to my chest, gazing at him. “No, nothing like that. But I do need to talk to you about something.”
He was in the process of pulling his shirt off when he halted and looked at me. “What is it, Ana?”
Blowing out a breath, I jogged my memory for the rehearsed speech I had planned to say. “First things first, I just want to tell you how grateful I am to have you as a friend—as an ally—that has helped me out without wanting anything back. You barely knew the real me except for the occasional, friendly chat when we caught ourselves outside the house, but it still didn’t hold you back from reaching out to me even though Doug had threatened you.
“I was all messed up in the head when I left Seattle. Then, when I came here unannounced, you didn’t even press further to know what had happened. You had an idea, yet you overrode your curiosity to help me out instead. Every day I thank my stars that I have you in my life.
“I found a room to move in to, and it’s only a couple blocks down, so I can swing by whenever you’re free. I hope this doesn’t change anything between us, but I feel that it’s time to take the next step and live how I’m supposed to live.”
“Ana, if this is about what happened the last time, please, I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have gone that far, and I promise it won’t happen again. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to tell you how sorry I am, but I wasn’t sure how to bring it up.”
Goodness, he was too good to me. “Don’t be sorry… it happened. We were in it together. That’s not something to be sorry for, Logan.”
He sighed, looking pained. “I know. I like having you here, though. In fact, I like coming home and seeing you asleep in my bed.”
“Oh.” This was new….
“I’ve liked you for a very long time, but Doug… He was always around.” He crossed the distance between us, sitting on the bed across from me before reaching out for my hand. “I know you have a lot going on. I care about you, and when the time comes, when you’re ready to let someone in, I want to ask you out and see where this could go between us.”
My God, he was serious. He really liked me… but why? I was a nutcase…
“I can’t promise you anything, but… When I’m ready, you’ll be the first to know.” I smiled before giving him a soft kiss on the lips, meaning the words.
Logan was a nice guy. Therefore, when the time was right, maybe we could try this whole thing again.
Chapter 29
I had no idea shopping for furniture for my new room could be so much fun. Logan spent most of his day with me to help me buy items and move them in into my new place. I purchased them all with my work money, and to that day, I hadn’t touched a single bill of the money Hunter had paid me, which made me proud of myself. It was silly, but I couldn’t help it. I felt like I really was starting to grow as a woman, independent and having a real life.
My phobia still gripped me from time to time, but it wasn’t as severe. Furthermore, the times that it was, I would coach myself to breathe deeply and walk out of the place as slowly as possible. I was almost positive this would be a common occurrence when I started school, however as long as I did the steps and walked away before my body went into an entire panic mode, I should be okay.
The school placement and assessment tests were earlier in the day, an hour and a half before I met Logan to go shop for my room. I thought I had done well, but I didn’t want to be overly confident about it because I might embarrass myself if I flunked it. Later, even though I had enjoyed shopping as much as I did, when I started work that afternoon, all thoughts were back to the impending scores.
I hadn’t realized I wanted to go to school that badly until that moment. Up until that time, school was a fifty-fifty thing for me, as a result passing the test was highly important. I was so preoccupied with it, I hadn’t realized a customer had arrived until Lacy nudged me to get in gear since the customer had gone to my assigned section for the day.
Cussing myself out, I immediately took a menu with me and sprinted towards the table. Upon reaching them, I placed the menu before him then got my pen and paper.
“Hello, welcome to—” I froze mid-greeting. “Shit—Hunter! What are you doing here?”
His eyes twinkled. “Shit—Ana. Hello to you, too.”
Fuck. I was speechless. “How’d you know I was here? This is just too much to be a coincidence.”
“I took a chance and put a tracker in the duffel. I’m surprised you haven’t found it.”
“Right.” Why didn’t I think of that? Of course he’d do something like that. Yet, even though he had known where I was, it had taken him this long to come out to see me, to check if I was okay. “How are things with you? Good, I hope?”
“Good—really good.” His eyes were back to expressionless again, making it hard for me to read him. “What have you been up to around here? Having fun? Not too much?”
Why did I detect sarcasm in his tone? “This is all I’ve ever dreamed of. I’m living my dream.” I couldn’t have described it more perfectly. I truly was blessed when I had been given a second chance.
He stared at me, HARD, before he cleared his throat and smiled brightly at me. “Well, I’m really happy to hear that.”
I wasn’t sure if I should return his smile because, deep down, my gut was telling me he didn’t mean it, this smile was a big fake.
As such, I played it off cool, hoping he’d get to the point before this big awkward let down could get any worse. After all those times I had thought of him, never in a million years could I ever have pictured our reunion like this.
“Well, uh, are you ready to order?” I asked uneasily.
He frowned at me before something clicked in his eyes. “Yeah, uh, get me the strongest coffee you have in the house.”
“That’s all?”
“Yep,” he murmured, looking away, perusing the menu before him. “Just coffee, Ana.”
“Great, I’ll be right back with your coffee, then.” I dashed out of there as though something was chasing after me. I hid behind the stall where it had all the condiments and utensils, hoping my heart rate would die down a little.
What the fuck was that? Hunter didn’t leave me in the hospital cold and distant, and yet, here he was, back to his weird, cold, unfeeling self I doubted inferno could melt.
I guessed it was a good thing he hadn’t lived up to my dreams and imagination because, if he had, I’d be in big trouble. Blessing as it was, I certainly didn’t see it this way.
Forcing myself out of hiding, I submitted his order. It
wasn’t long before it was ready, and I was on my way to deliver it to him, jittery, sweaty palms and all.
“Here you go.” Placing down the small, circular tray I held, I cautiously lifted the saucer holding the steaming coffee cup before I placed it before him. “Refined sugar and the artificial kind are all in these mini packets. If you want raw, I could get it for you, too.”
“You loved it raw.”
WTF. “Excuse me?” His random comment threw me so off I wasn’t sure how to respond to it.
He gave a nonchalant shrug, as if he didn’t care at all. “I’m staying at the hotel with the rainforest waterfall crap a few blocks from here. You can come by after you’re done working, if you’d like to talk.” I was about to open my mouth to tell him to dream on, but he kept on yapping. “I’m late to meet Naomi, so I can’t stay long.” Proving his point, he drained the steaming, sugarless coffee before getting up and then taking a fifty out of his pocket and placing it on the table. “I’m in room 502.”
Who’s Naomi? I wanted to demand it like a spoilt child, yet I knew better. This guy had helped me out, therefore I should play nice, even though I wanted to claw his eyes and balls at the moment.
Using the calmest voice I could muster, I gave him an excuse. “I’ll have to see. I can’t promise.”
He gave me a harsh, cold stare, one he used to give me before he and I had gotten comfortable with each other. “I have something for you. It’s from Bill. If you don’t make it tonight or tomorrow night, I’ll send it to you.”
Bill. He was alive. But what did he want?
“What is it?”
He shrugged, barely meeting me in the eye. “I didn’t open it.”
With him standing, hovering this close to me while his smell overpowered everything and my mind kept wondering who the heck Naomi was, I felt overloaded. My body was overheated, zinging at the sight of him at the same time my heart galloped unsteadily just by being near him. Yet here he was, about to leave to see this Naomi woman and looking unaffected by me.