by Abbi Glines
I couldn’t stop the laugh that burst forth. Dallas’s eyes met mine and he grinned, obviously pleased with himself for his comment. “That’s more like it,” he said. “Don’t none of us want to see you all frowning. We love Ash and we’re thrilled he’s home, but we want the whole group to be alright again. To lay all the bullshit to the side.”
In other words, I had to get over Asher.
I nodded and immediately replied. “Yes, we do.” Because there was nothing I wanted more in the world than not to feel the pain slicing through me every time I thought of Asher. For three long years, I’d been heartbroken. When would it end? Would it ever?
“Come here, baby,” Steel said, drawing my attention over to him. He was holding out his pool stick. “Show this smartass how it’s done. I’m sick of watching Bray beat the shit outta everyone at this table.”
Steel. I was here with Steel. He loved me. That was a truth I could count on.
I walked to him, his hand sliding around my waist, pulling me close. We were always like this, but having Asher a few feet away from us, made it feel like I was on a stage, being watched, judged and accused. I hated that feeling.
“I’m gonna head out. I’ll see y’all at the house,” Asher said, standing up, before walking away without another word. The silence that fell as he left made it all even more awkward. He hadn’t wanted me here. He never wanted me around.
“Guess I was pushing it. My bad. I shoulda eased him into this.” Steel spoke, looking over at Bray. When Asher wasn’t around, it was Bray that the rest of the Sutton boys looked to, him being the second oldest, even if by only five minutes.
“Yeah, dipshit,” Brent said. “Probably shoulda not called her baby.” He then slapped the back of Steel’s head and reached for his drink on the table. “He was just starting to relax.”
Steel groaned and ran his hand through his hair: “I’ll talk to him. Damn, this is fucked up. He shouldn’t care anymore.”
I didn’t want to be standing here listening to this conversation. I was the problem and I felt even more out of place and in the way than ever before. “Maybe I should go home,” I finally said, speaking up and reminding Steel that I was here, listening to it all.
He looked up at me and grimaced. “Sorry about this, but yeah, I need to go and talk to Ash. I don’t want him running off again. Momma would be heartbroken if he didn’t stick around for a while. And we all miss him.”
I nodded. I understood. I just wished it wasn’t this way. But then again, I’d been wishing for a lot of things for as long as I’d known Asher Sutton. Repeated wishes wear you thin. Especially when they don’t come true.
I said yes to Sellers for one reason. And that reason wasn’t fair. Sellers was being nice, he was just flirting, but my using him to show Asher I was more than a little girl to protect had been wrong. Yet, I said yes knowing it was wrong. Now I needed to tell him no. Maybe even tell him the truth, as embarrassing as the truth was to admit.
Asher hadn’t walked me to my last two classes. My plan hadn’t worked. Instead, it backfired in my face. Maybe now he thought I had Sellers to protect me, not that I needed protecting. Frustrated with the whole situation, I planned exactly what I would say to Sellers after his practice was finished. I even wrote it all down, read over it a few times, made sure I was completely prepared.
Five minutes before packing up my things and heading down to the field house, the door to the library opened and a very sweaty Asher walked in. I was the only one in the library. Even the librarian had left for the day. She’d said I could stay and do my homework until after practice ended. Either Asher was here to see me or he had a book he wanted to check out so badly, he’d left practice early to do it.
He stood inside the room, his large frame releasing an enormous amount of energy. My heart started beating faster, but then again, it always did around Asher. His gaze scanned the library, locked on me, before he approached with long, aggressive strides, and a determined look on his face.
“What are you doing?” I asked, standing up and getting ready to leave.
“Don’t go out with Sellers,” was all he said. I wanted that to mean more than it did. I wanted it to mean he didn’t want me with Sellers because . . . well, he wanted me with him. But I knew that was a fantasy I couldn’t allow myself to entertain.
“Do you not like Sellers?”
He shook his head no, but replied “I like Sellers just fine. I just don’t like Sellers with you.”
Asher’s words were giving food to my fantasy world and I knew reality would soon slap me in the face again.
“Why?”
He stood there staring at me for what seemed like an eternity, but probably no longer than a few moments. “Just meet me out at my truck. Is that okay with you? I need to shower and get my things first.”
I could have been strong here and said I was going with Sellers, even though I hadn’t been planning on doing that. Asher didn’t know that.
“I need to tell Sellers,” I said, instead.
His shoulders seemed to ease some, but not completely. He stood at a distance from me, his body wound, tense and alert. He just replied, “I’ll tell him.”
I wasn’t okay with that. “I should tell him,” I said.
Asher sighed. “Fine. You tell him. But do it now.”
Then he turned and headed for the door. There was no other explanation. Nothing. Not a word.
“Asher,” I called, needing something more from him. Any answer.
“Yeah?” he asked, looking back at me, but holding the door with one hand.
“Why?” That was all I could manage to say without showing him all I was feeling.
“I,” he paused, looking torn over what to say exactly. “Just . . . please . . . Dix.”
Somehow, that was all I needed to hear at that moment. I didn’t need anything more.
“Okay,” I whispered.
He smiled at me with relief in his eyes, then opened the door and left. Alone in the library again, the smell of books returned to my senses and the silence became almost deafening. But now those things would forever hold a memory for me. One I’d never forget. It may not mean much, but I couldn’t stop a small smile.
I slipped my books back into my bag, placing Sellers’ speech in my pocket. I wouldn’t be needing it. I was going to be honest with him and tell him the truth, one that had suddenly changed in the last few minutes.
There was a parking lot between the school and the field house. I spotted Sellers walking my way. He was already showered and dressed, in a pair of jeans and a football tee shirt, his hair still damp, but styled in that messy way he always wore. I knew that being honest with him was the best thing to do, but I still felt bad about it.
“You ready?” he asked while grinning.
“Uh, about that, thank you for the invite. It was very nice and any other time I would have enjoyed going. But Asher . . . he’s . . . ah . . . asked me to go with him. I’ve wanted that for a very long time. It wouldn’t be right to go with you when my mind would be stuck on Asher.”
I felt like I stumbled on my explanation. Did it even make sense to anyone but me?
Sellers gave me a crooked grin. “So that’s where he went so quickly after practice.”
“Again, thank you, and I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay, Dixie. I get it.”
“Thanks,” I repeated, quickly turning and walking away, eager to leave this awkward conversation. I hurried toward Asher’s truck.
“You’re welcome,” Sellers called out.
I turned back, confused as to what he was saying. Sellers chuckled, gave a small shake of his head before he walked away himself. Had he known Asher would do this? Was that why he asked me to go out with him to begin with? And if so, why would he do that?
I stopped at Asher’s truck and although it was unlocked, I didn’t get inside. I waited. Just as I turned back to see if he was coming, I saw him headed toward me. Like before, he looked determined. His eyes
locked on me. My cheeks heated up, again, the intensity of his eyes overwhelming me with trepidation. My body felt warm and I knew I was forgetting to breathe from the short rapid gasps coming from my mouth. I didn’t know how to control my reaction to him.
When he got to me, I expected him to stop and open the door for me. Instead, the bag he carried in his hands dropped to the ground, his body crowding mine, as he pressed me up against his truck. Both his hands cupped my face before Asher Sutton’s lips met mine. Hard yet soft, demanding yet tender, Asher tasted me like I was his last meal, and I was sure if he hadn’t moved his hands to my hips and jerked me closer to him, I would have slid to the ground and blacked out. My legs were weak and my body trembled. Nothing had prepared me for this. Nothing had ever been this life altering. I felt like I was hit by a lightning.
And my world would never be the same after that.
Asher Sutton
MY BEDROOM REMAINED the same. It had once been the attic, but when I turned thirteen and got tired of sharing a bedroom with both Brent and Bray, I made a deal with Momma. If I cleaned out the attic and turned it into a bedroom, she would get me a window unit so I would have air in the summer when needed. For warmth, I ran a cheap ceramic heater.
It took a month, but when I had it all cleaned up, Momma kept her word. The other boys complained that I got my own room, but she reminded them I was the oldest.
When I’d moved out, no one tried to take it. I’d expected the twins to fight over it, but surprisingly they didn’t. It was then that guilt tugged at me. Was it because they all hoped I would come back home?
I threw my duffel bag on the floor and sank down onto my bed. I missed home. I loved it here. I loved having my brothers around me, working the same land my father had worked. This was my life, or it had been, until the day it all came crashing down and changed everything forever.
I took the secret with me, but I wouldn’t be able to keep it a secret any longer. Steel had to know. His heart would be broken for a while, but mine had been shattered beyond repair. Steel would survive this, he’d move on eventually. I had to believe that.
The nagging thought that Dixie had so easily fallen in love with someone else was driving me crazy. Just because I couldn’t fill the void she’d left in my life didn’t mean she shouldn’t move on either. I wanted Dixie to be happy and knowing I was going to hurt her again, only made what I had to do even worse.
Heavy footsteps told me I had company. I was expecting Steel. I knew when I walked out of Jack’s that he’d follow me home. Yes, I’d gotten jealous when he’d called Dixie “baby,” but that wasn’t why I’d left. The real reason was so fucked up that it hammered in my head and I knew I had to tell him. I couldn’t sit back and watch this again. He had to know now.
Lifting my gaze from the floor, I met Steel’s concerned yet determined expression. He was here to fight for her. To make sure I didn’t ruin his chance with her. I had to tell him.
“I love her,” my younger brother said, breaking the silence around us.
“She’s easy to love,” I replied.
Steel’s lips tightened. He didn’t want to feel as if he had to compete with me. “You crushed her and then you left her. Now she’s mine, Asher, mine. I’ll fight for her if you make me.”
I stood and watched as Steel tensed up. Did he think I would hurt him? I’d protected him and beat the shit out of more than one bully over the years. He was my brother. I wanted him to be happy. Had letting Steel have Dixie been our only problem, I would have walked away and let them be happy. But that was not the problem, as much as I wished it were.
Walking over to a corner of the attic, I moved a loose board from the floor and bent down to retrieve an old shoe box. My world ended the day I discovered it three long years ago. Every good memory I’d had in my life up to that point had been centered around my Dixie. The contents of that box had taken all that away, ruining the memories, and leaving me a broken man.
I dusted it off because it hadn’t been touched since the day I found it while moving some furniture around so that the bed wouldn’t hit the squeaky board directly over the living room. I’d been making plans to sneak Dixie up here that weekend, but that never happened.
Sinking back down on my bed, I held the box with care. It caused me agony just to touch it knowing what was inside. There was no doubt or question that what it held was true. Looking up at Steel, I knew that I wasn’t just going to end any hope he had of a future with Dixie, but that every memory he had of our father would also be altered forever. The same as mine had been.
“I never deserted her. Never stopped loving Dixie.” I spoke, then lifted the lid. “Steel, I found this three years ago. I didn’t intend to share it. But I also never planned on one of my brothers falling in love with my girl.” I then shook my head. “She’s not my girl. She can’t be my girl.” Reaching into the box, I removed the letters, the paper folded and unfolded so many times, the edges were worn from the handling. “This is why she can’t be your girl either,” I said, holding the letters out to my brother.
Steel was watching me with fear in his eyes, as if he’d understood the truth before he even looked inside. “What’s this?” he asked, his voice shaky, unsure.
“It’s the reason why I left her. The reason I can’t have her. Why you can’t have her either.”
Steel opened the first letter. I couldn’t watch him as he read it. I dropped my head into my hands and waited in silence. His world was going to be forever changed. Just as mine had been. And I was powerless to save him from the pain.
All the letters, but one, were written by Dixie’s mother. In each she tells the man she is writing how much she loves and misses him. She begs him to take her away from her life so that they can start a new one together. The passion in her words would’ve been moving, if not for the fact that each and every one was addressed to my own father. A man I had once admired. A man whose name I had been proud to bear. A man I had mourned when he died. A man who’d deceived us all.
“This is . . .” Steel said with effort, before I felt the mattress sink beside me, as Steel sat down with a sigh. “I just can’t . . .” he muttered and coughed.
“Keep reading,” I told him as the acid in my throat burned.
I’d memorized the last letter she had written to him. Every word was branded on my brain.
Vance,
I won’t keep writing these letters to you. Not if you’re going to continue ignoring me. I don’t agree with the words you said. I believe we can have happiness together. This child inside me deserves us both. It will be a part of you just as those boys are. You said you loved me. You said being with me made you feel young again. Complete. You said complete. But now, I’m carrying your child and you won’t speak to me. Is it because she’s pregnant again? I know she’s your wife but I have a husband too. One I’m willing to walk away from. One I’m willing to leave for you.
Does that mean I love you more? Because I’m willing to tell him the truth? That I love you. That this child inside me is yours. Proof that the passion we have for each other is worthy of a chance. I won’t keep you from your boys. I know you love them as you should. But you don’t love their mother. You love me. I know that.
Be with me, Vance. Fix the mistakes of our past. We messed up all those years ago by going our separate ways. My heart has been yours since I was fifteen. It will always be. Don’t leave me. Don’t turn your back on our child. That would destroy me.
I love you forever and always,
Millie
My father cheated on my mother.
Dixie was my sister.
The sickness slammed into me again, the words in that letter replaying in my head. I’d made love to Dixie. I’d been inside her and it was like heaven. I’d never experienced anything like it again. Yet, it had been sick and wrong.
“Did you show these to Mom?” Steel asked. His voice sounded strained. I understood what he was going through.
“No. And I never will,”
I replied, dropping my hands into my lap and looking over at my brother.
He was staring straight ahead at the wall with the letters clasped tightly in his hands. “He was a bastard. A lying bastard,” Steel said, his pain heavy on each and every word, emphasizing what he was feeling.
“Yeah, he was,” I replied. I wasn’t going to argue that. He had also allowed another man to raise his child as his own. These letters were all dated months before Dixie’s birth. Before Steel’s. How could he do that? The final letter was one from my dad. It had erased any doubt I might have had about the truth. Dad claimed Dixie was his, but he’d said he loved us more. He wanted my mother and his boys. He couldn’t leave us and he’d told her she needed to let him go. Her child would be Luke Monroe’s. The man I knew to be Dixie’s father.
There wasn’t another letter after that. Not in this box at least. Dixie’s mother had run off when Dixie was a toddler, leaving Luke to raise her alone. When Dixie had been five, Luke Monroe remarried a woman named Charlotte, who adored and cherished Dixie, eventually becoming the mother Dixie never had, and although Charlotte loved her fiercely, Dixie had always wondered about her birth mother, even planned on finding her one day. She longed to know why she had left her.
I never wanted her to find Millie Monroe. I hoped the woman was dead and had taken this secret with her to the grave. Dixie could never know. She’d had too much loss and pain in her life. It was why I’d suffered on my own. To protect her. Always to protect her.
“Why didn’t you tell her?” Steel asked.
I turned to Steel, studied his face, the hurt and disbelief visible in his eyes, as he realized his world was slowly crumbling. But I also saw that he wasn’t putting her first. He wasn’t focused on protecting Dixie from this ugly secret.
“Because I would die to shield her from this kind of pain,” I replied. Because I love her more than you ever could. I didn’t say those last words aloud, but we both knew they were true.