‘Help me to make the right choice, Kara,’ he whispered. ‘Before either of us does something irrevocable.’
Chapter Nine
The shouting alerted Kara that something dreadful was wrong. She had just finished inspecting the kitchens and was about to go to the bath house. Anything to avoid checking up on Ash and Rurik. She owed him that much for saving her boy. What could go wrong with a simple tour? But now she could hear his voice shouting across the yard.
She picked up her skirts and ran to the graveyard where she was certain the noise had come from. Rurik stood alone outside the family crypt, weeping.
Kara wrapped her arms about her son. ‘Is something wrong? Where is Ash? Where is your father?’
‘My father...’ Rurik gave a convulsive shudder and broke into fresh sobs. ‘I only wanted to show him where his gravestone was and he started shouting at me. Make him go away. I don’t want him here. Far-far said that he was always disappointed in him and that I had to be a better warrior because of it.’
‘When did he say that?’
Rurik scrubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. ‘Once when we were out here.’
‘Did you say something to your father?’
‘He didn’t want to see the gravestone Far-far had carved for him! Then he shouted at me because I told him he had to.’
‘Go and see Thora. I was just in the kitchen and she might have a treat for you.’ Kara motioned towards the kitchen. She had to hope that Ash hadn’t heard Rurik’s words. She knew how much Ash wanted his father to be proud of him.
Rurik’s eyes grew big and the crying instantly stopped. ‘I like treats.’
He raced off. Kara heaved a sigh as no one else appeared. What she had to say to Ash would be said in private. But she renewed her determination that she would keep Rurik safe.
She went into the graveyard and saw Ash, sitting on the ground with his head in his hands.
‘Ash? Why did you shout at Rurik?’
Ash lifted his head. ‘The boy wanted me to go into the graveyard. He said my father would be ashamed of me. I told him that I couldn’t care less what my father thought.’
‘Rurik hates being shouted at.’
‘I wasn’t shouting at him precisely, but I don’t want to see my gravestone. Not today. And I don’t care what my father would have wanted! Or how he feels about me! Why break the habit of a lifetime?’
Kara put her hand on her hip. This had all the signs of a disaster. Rurik and his grandfather used to love going to visit Ash’s gravestone. Rurik had probably been very excited to show his father and then Ash had ruined it. ‘This could have been avoided.’
‘How?’
‘You yelled at Rurik because you were far too stubborn to let me look at your leg earlier. What sort of man shouts at a six-year-old because of what a dead man might think?’
‘He needs to accept that men shout or otherwise he will be no good on the battlefield.’
‘Will you allow me to see the leg? Now?’ Kara knelt beside him. ‘If you had done so earlier, maybe you wouldn’t have such pain. Rurik has been through enough today without this. You were his new hero. You destroyed him.’
‘Forget it, Kara!’ Ash made a cutting motion. ‘Obviously there is nothing I can do which is right in your eyes, so just forget it. What is the point of explaining? And I told you before I know how to deal with my injury. I’ve learnt how. It wasn’t the pain in my leg. I don’t know if I can do this.’
‘Why did you bother to come back, Ash? Why won’t you accept any help?’
‘Just go!’
‘I will go, but maybe you should think about why you came back at all.’
Ash dropped his head on his knees, rather than watch her walk away. The sheer pain in his leg was excruciating, but it was nothing compared to the searing pain in his heart. And there was nothing anyone, not even a skilled healer like Kara, could do to ease that pain.
He had frightened his son. Rather than being a hero, he had behaved like the snivelling weakling his father always used to say he was. And he knew he couldn’t play at being a hero any more. He couldn’t be the man he wanted to be for Kara and that hurt worse than the pain in his leg.
Ash pressed his hands to his eyes. He might not be able to be the sort of man his father wanted him to be or even the hero of Kara’s girlish dreams, but he could be a father to Rurik. He could be the sort of father he’d wanted as a child, the proper sort who taught his child skills, rather than shouting at them. And he wasn’t prepared to walk away from Kara. Not yet, not until he’d tasted her lips.
‘Go? I have just begun to fight, Kara, but this time, I am fighting for you on my terms, not my father’s.’ Ash wiped his hands on his trousers. ‘And the place to start is looking at my grave.’
* * *
Coward, she was being the worst sort of coward. Avoiding Ash. Finding little jobs to do so that she wouldn’t have to confront him about his behaviour at the graveyard.
She wanted him to like it, but was certain he’d object to various things, when it shouldn’t matter. His opinion should make no difference. She refused to go back to being the girl whose entire well-being hinged on whether or not Ash smiled. She was proud of her accomplishments and she wanted him to think her a good mother, but after Rurik’s little escapade, he must think her awful.
Kara pressed her hands against the low table where the wool skeins were spread, ready for her inspection, and willed the doubts to be gone.
Her women had been busy while she was away. She couldn’t fault them, especially Gudrun. She could always tell Gudrun’s skeins because of the way she wrapped the thread. No one else managed that little twist at the end. Gudrun had done all that she’d said. Kara was impressed by how much she had managed to do. Unfortunately Gudrun’s efficiency meant that, after she’d finished the inspection, she would have run out of excuses. She would have to return to the hall and face Ash.
‘What would you do? Would you go to the stables and see if the horses were bedded in properly or go to the great hall?’ she asked Dain, who gave a soft woof in response.
‘My thoughts exactly. The stables next and then the great hall.’ Kara bent down and stroked his silky fur. It helped to be back amongst her animals. They never judged her. It was so much easier than dealing with people. Over the past few years with Hring’s illness, she had not been able to escape as often as she might have liked, but she jealously guarded the time she had with her animals, allowing them to have free run of the house.
What could she say to Ash after he had saved Rurik, and then frightened the boy with his shouting over nothing? She’d lost her temper, but it didn’t change things. Ash was going to be precisely the wrong sort of father for Rurik.
‘Here I find you.’ Ash’s low voice flowed over her. ‘I never thought wool would take precedence over guests.’
Kara dropped one of the skeins and sent several spinning whorls flying. Dain gave a sharp bark and disappeared out of the room. She hurriedly bent down to pick everything up, concentrating on that, rather than on Ash’s solid figure in the doorway.
‘Hardly guests. This is your home, where you grew up. Were you expecting a ceremony?’
‘My welcome was eventful enough, but I wanted to know why you have gone into hiding. I wanted to let you know I looked at my grave and my father’s. Thank you for the runes on both stones.’
‘I thought you might want some time alone.’
‘It was harder than I thought to go to that graveyard.’
Kara resisted the urge to smooth the creases from his forehead. His father’s death was hard for him. For her, she’d seen the relief in Hring’s eyes when he had died after years of struggle. Ash only remembered his father in good health.
‘Your father would have appreciated it.’
‘Rurik
said—’
She put her hand up. ‘Hush, Rurik is a child. Your father did appreciate you. It was why Rurik wanted to show you the gravestone.’
‘I wish I believed that.’ He captured one of the whorls and dropped it on the table. ‘At the tuntreet, I felt more at peace than at the graveyard. But even after you had gone, it took me an age to work up the courage to look at the runes. I’m glad I did. The words were simple, but my father did put the stone up. And the pain in my leg has eased. I know what to do with it. It knots up sometimes.’
Close up, Kara saw the water droplets clinging to his hair. His clean masculine scent teased her nostrils, replacing the stench of wool and dye. She was absurdly glad that she had changed into a deep-blue gown, with a lighter blue for the apron dress over the top. Something to bring out her eyes and make her skin look less sallow. She tried to squash the feeling. Looking for Ash’s approval was the way towards madness. She knew what had happened before. She couldn’t risk her heart being broken again. It had taken far too long to heal last time.
Ash needed to show that he was here to stay and shoulder responsibility.
‘I had it put up. It seemed the right thing to do. Hring agreed when he regained some measure of speech,’ she said into the silence.
Ash nodded. ‘Thank you, then. You have done more than I thought possible. Without you this estate wouldn’t exist.’
‘The welcome feast is well in hand for tomorrow night.’ She placed the skein on the table with a trembling hand. He did appreciate what she had done. ‘There will be plenty to eat and a skald to sing. He knows the latest sagas, or so Thora assures me.’
He raised his brow, acknowledging the change of subject. ‘You didn’t wait to bathe with me.’
She hated the way the words brought old memories to the surface. Of Ash and her sharing a bath and then cooling off in the lake. She wrenched her mind from that memory, replaced it with the memory of Hring’s revelation about Ash’s intentions and his other women. Her breathing steadied.
‘The opportunity presented itself and so I took it. You wouldn’t believe how much has to be done. Goodness knows when I will be finished tonight. It is always the same whenever I’m away.’
She picked up a skein and pretended to count, waiting for him to make his excuses and leave.
‘You haven’t even asked me what I think of your stewardship.’ He captured the skein from her nerveless fingers. ‘I thought you’d be curious.’
‘There were a lot of people who wanted to speak with you and welcome you. I knew you would find me when you had the time to spare.’ The excuse sounded feeble to Kara’s ears, but it was the best she had.
‘You excelled. Rurik said that it was all you, not Valdar. And I am inclined to agree. I owe you a debt I can never repay.’
Kara pretended to straighten the pleats of her apron dress. ‘Thank you, thank you very much.’
‘We need to discuss Rurik’s training. It is a way I can help take the burden off you. What skills does he have?’
‘His training doesn’t have to begin right away.’ Kara concentrated on the wool, trying not to think about Ash’s broken arm or the other injuries he had suffered during his training. ‘Allow him time to get used to you. At the graveyard, he said—’
‘His training begins in the morning. You have kept him as a baby for far too long.’
Kara stared at Ash, open mouthed. After turning her son into a quivering jumble of nerves, he wanted her to entrust the same child to him. ‘And you know how to train a young boy?’
‘I was one.’
She knew his father’s methods and what they had done to Ash. The trials Hring had put Ash through made her blood run cold. Like being left alone in the woods at night, being forced to fight with an injured arm and being beaten for failing to win. No son of hers would face that sort of trial. Ever. It would utterly destroy Rurik and his fragile confidence. He wasn’t that strong.
Somehow Ash had to be made to understand why Rurik had to be kept safe, instead of filling his head with nonsense about things he’d teach him and expecting him to excel. Rurik would start to love him and then he’d be let down. Badly.
A little voice warned her that she was doing Ash an injustice. Just because he’d done it to her, he might be different with their son. She silenced it. She wanted to be logical and calm, rather than making decisions based on emotion. Ash training Rurik would be wrong. She knew that in her bones. There was far too much potential for hurt—physically and emotionally—for Rurik.
‘I wouldn’t want to presume on your time. You need to get your men settled before you start thinking about training. We can discuss it when you have time to spare.’
‘When I have time to spare?’ A hurt expression flitted across Ash’s face. He picked up the whorl and tossed it in the air, expertly catching it several times before placing it down again. ‘Was I truly that selfish when we first married? You should have kissed me until I noticed.’
‘You were always busy. Things needed doing. You were preparing for the trip of a lifetime.’ Even seven years later, the excuse still sprang readily to her lips. She ducked her head, hating her lapse.
She had made so many excuses for his behaviour when, in truth, he simply had not cared. She had not been important to him. It had taken her a long time to accept that fact, but eventually she had no choice.
‘Preparation is fine, but it is the sea which decides how your passage is. Neglecting her moods can lead to disaster.’
‘You weren’t to know.’
‘It sounds like you are too ready to excuse my younger self.’ He tilted his head to one side. ‘I was very selfish and spoilt and utterly unfair to you. But know this, Kara—the one good thing I did was to marry you. A man could not ask for a better custodian of this estate and our son in his absence. I want you to continue to look after the estate like you did for my father. I haven’t done much farming for the last few years.’
Kara dipped her head. Custodian. The word slammed into her. Ash didn’t want the responsibility. ‘I want someone who will help run the estate. It is one of the reasons I was marrying Valdar.’
Ash stood silently for a long time, digesting Kara’s words. Each word was another nail in his heart. He’d made many mistakes, but the one good thing he had done was to marry her. His tour around the estate convinced him of that. He had thought she’d be pleased that he wanted her to continue. He could farm. The responsibility of an estate didn’t frighten him. He’d always known that he’d have to.
He’d never understand women. And he knew he couldn’t stay if she didn’t want him. But he refused to tell her that.
‘I will take it under consideration.’ He tilted his head to one side, trying to assess her mood. ‘I can remember being very glad that first night on the ship that you had made it easy for me. There was no need to feel guilty.’
‘And would you have done?’ she whispered. ‘Would you have stayed if I had revealed my fears about being here alone without a friendly face?’
He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, fighting against the urge to take her in his arms and kiss the doubts away. With hindsight, he could see that he’d worried about her being left with his father to cope. Not that he should have as she’d obviously coped admirably. She didn’t need him. The realisation hurt. He wanted to be needed.
‘No way to answer that,’ he said slowly, trying to explain without giving her more cause to hate him. He simply had not even seen the possibility of failure until too late. ‘I do regret not having been here for so many things, Kara, but that is in the past. From here on, I plan to do right by you and our son. I want our son to grow up to be a credit to the both of us, rather than just to you. He will be trained properly, Kara.’
‘I will try to remember that,’ she said, picking up another skein of wool and not meeting his eyes.
&n
bsp; ‘Do.’ He moved closer to her, took the skein from her nerveless fingers and laid it down on the table. ‘Stop using tasks to avoid talking to me. Tell me what worries you and how I can ease those worries. I want to do my duty.’
‘I’m...’ Kara’s heart thumped so loudly, she thought Ash must hear it. Every nerve screamed. She wanted his words to be true with every fibre of her being. She wanted to believe him. For Ash, words always came easily. She needed more than simple lip service. She pressed her hands to her eyes and regained control of her body.
‘You’re what?’ His voice held a husky rasp.
‘I want you to have time to get accustomed to the changes before we discuss Rurik’s training,’ Kara mumbled, pressing her hands against the table to steady her body.
If he took her in his arms, she knew she’d melt and give in to his kiss. Too much remained unsettled between them. It was how they used to solve arguments—Ash kissing her, using her attraction to him against her. Sometimes she had even provoked arguments simply for the aftermath. A mad and dangerous thing to do. Her mother had done that with her father and she’d seen the consequences.
‘How long were you gone this time?’ he asked, not moving towards her.
‘A week.’ Kara looped a strand of hair about her ear, feeling on more solid ground. Her heart would survive if she kept her focus on practical things. ‘You would be amazed how much can change in a week. And how much can remain undone if the servants think you are not concerned. This estate nearly fell apart when Hring took to his bed.’
‘More changes in seven years. I had no right to expect the estate to be in any shape. It is a pleasant surprise.’
‘I hope you like the changes, in particular the new outbuildings for the animals.’
‘I knew that must have been your doing. You always wanted to make sure the animals were well looked after. My father was only interested in the glory and prestige that an estate could bring.’
Return of the Viking Warrior Page 13