He brushed his lips absently back and forth across her hair, holding back those feelings and declarations that he knew, more than anything, must scare her to death. After the attack all he’d wanted was to pull her closer, to somehow keep her safe, but the increase in his intensity had the opposite affect on her. It only seemed to push her farther away.
All this time, loving her from a distance. All this time spent massaging the ground beneath their relationship, waiting and watching. Time was an incompetent companion and he grated against its ignorance. It knew nothing of the progression of her healing, but most days, neither did he. And so they waited, an unwilling pair bound together against the greatest of odds.
The only time it seemed to lock step and synchronize was during times of intimacy. In those moments she welcomed the consuming fire of his intensity. It baffled him how she could crave so powerfully the very act that had robbed them of their prior happiness. Or maybe, somehow, incredibly, for her there was no connection between the two.
Whatever the case, it seemed to calm her somehow and she reached for it like a life preserver in the storm, clinging to his every touch and igniting a fire in him that was difficult to extinguish when the time came to take his place at the edges of her life. His constant hope was that the two realities would someday meld into a happy medium, because being with her was the most excruciating pleasure he’d ever known.
__________
It occurred to Paige on Thursday afternoon that she hadn’t yet made it over to Frank Evans’ office to get started on the new project. Kevin ducked his head in to let her know they’d called and he was giving a couple of her current projects to other, more junior employees.
“I really need you to focus on giving Frank your best work.”
“It’s that important to you?”
“Yeah, it really is. Frank Evans is an important man with a lot of very important friends. We make him happy and we’re bound to land other big clients as well. I promise, you do this one right and you’ll be very happy come bonus time.”
She glanced over the top of her glasses. “Kevin?”
“Yeah.”
“You don’t give bonuses. And I quote: ‘You guys make too much damn money as it is!’ end quote.”
He returned her smile with a playful grin. “Well I just might start, so do a phenomenal job, ok?”
She stared at him, incredulous. “Have I ever once given you less than one hundred percent?”
“No, and I don’t expect you to start now.”
“Alright already, now get out of my office so I can get some work done!”
Kevin gave the edge of the doorframe his characteristic double tap but then hesitated.
She looked back, wide-eyed and exasperated. “What?”
“Thanks Paige.”
Her hand brushed the air away. “You got it.”
The next morning Paige showed up at the oh-so-posh offices of Evans and Associates at their Trump Plaza address at nine, ready for work. It was a courtesy visit, designed to put names and faces together and get a chance to see how the office was run. Some systems weren’t set up to transfer files electronically for security reasons, but there were always ways around it. Nate had taught her that. She had literally worn pants, just in case.
Frank Evans himself showed her around and introduced her to all of his key people, reinforcing his anticipation of their full cooperation. What she hadn’t expected was an office with her name on the door, a computer, and everything she could possibly need, including the use of one of his secretaries.
“Frank? Are you trying to tell me something here? Is this more of a mess than you let on?”
Frank closed the door to her ‘new office space’ and motioned for her to sit down. He took the seat behind the desk, leaving her to sit in a low chair across from him. The gesture wasn’t lost on her, but wasn’t exactly unexpected. Most CEOs were control freaks.
“I’m going to be completely honest with you Paige. My last accountant, whose desk you are now sitting in front of was–well, let’s just say he was not an honest man.”
“Embezzlement?”
Frank nodded. “Unfortunately I didn’t become aware of what he was doing until it was much too late, and so far his antics have cost me over a million dollars. I’m afraid there are accounts buried in our offshore holdings that I still don’t even know about.”
“And now you can’t find him?”
Frank shifted in his seat. “Oh, we’re looking, believe me. Problem is, the body has disappeared, but the “leak” in my finances hasn’t. I need it found, and I need it stopped. Time is of the essence.”
“Have you reported it to the proper authorities? That kind of fraud definitely warrants legal action.”
He tapped his fingers together and gauged her reaction. “I’d really like to avoid a big, ugly mess, if possible.”
“What about a temporary freeze on your assets?”
Frank got up and walked around the desk, dragging his finger against the mahogany as he did so. “A lot of my competitors have become aware of my ‘recent embarrassment’ and they’re taking advantage of it–making our clients nervous with a lot of nonsense talk about how their accounts aren’t safe here; how we don’t run a tight ship–basically slaying our credibility. To put a freeze on now would only further the rumors and hurt the business.”
“Well, if you don’t mind me saying so Frank, they’d be right to think that. If you’ve got an accountant running around with loophole access to millions of dollars, I’d say you have a very large problem on your hands.”
Frank Evans’ tight smile did little to make her feel at ease. In fact, it felt like diving into very deep water with no buddy system–and no extra tank of air.
“That’s exactly why we hired Kevin’s firm. It has the best reputation in the city for honesty and integrity. Your name on our payroll gives us the appearance of stability, enabling us to keep our clients happy.”
“So they can unwittingly finance your accountant’s house in Bora Bora?”
His anger flared. “No, so they can help keep this company liquid while we find the problem and redesign the system so that nothing like this will ever happen again. That, of course, is where you come in. You, and your knack for finding leaks.”
Problem solving–always problem solving. It was equal parts gift and curse. “I’m not a computer scientist, Frank.”
“Computer scientists are a dime a dozen. What I need is someone who can tell them where to plug the holes.”
He walked over to the mini bar and poured himself a scotch. “Let’s just say you’re ‘on loan’ to me until further notice.”
“On loan?”
“As in, you work for me now.”
“I’m still not sure I’m following you. Listen, I appreciate what you’ve done here, but I really prefer to work at my own office. If we can just have the files transferred over there I promise you I’ll get right on this.”
“Sorry. That’s not the deal I made.”
“The deal? Again, I’m not sure I’m following you. Are you saying you ‘bought me’? Is that what you’re saying?”
“You think I give all my temps a private office with their own staff? We need to make this look permanent, at least until the worst is over.”
“I’m sorry Frank, but I’ll have to talk to Kevin about that.”
“I’ve already talked to Kevin. He assured me this arrangement would be fine as long as I don’t try to steal you permanently.” He smiled a checkmate kind of smile and offered her a drink.
She stared at the glass in his hand. “It’s ten o’clock in the morning.”
“Well that’s nearly noon, isn’t it? Besides, we’re celebrating!”
“What exactly are we celebrating Frank?”
He made himself comfortable in her new chair once again. “Your golden ticket, of course. You do this up right, and there are about a dozen companies I know of personally that would make you their CFO in a heartbeat.”
/> She raised her eyebrows. “A corporate back scratch?”
“I always get what I want, Ms. Hadley.”
Her blood was boiling. Men like Frank Evans made her want to eat multiple pints of Ben and Jerry’s to cool her insides. Until further notice? Smooth Kev. She sighed audibly. “Well then, kings to you Frank. Why don’t you just vacate that chair then so I can get started saving your ass?”
He didn’t move a muscle except for a slight raise in one eyebrow as he watched her stand and wait. “I knew I liked your spunk. You’ve got fire fresh out of the gate, but you’ll need to learn how to handle the bit before you’ll be fit for the board room.”
She didn’t respond–not a movement, not a word. Inside she was seething–astronomically infuriated at his pompous gall. Frank left his drink on the desk and walked out.
__________
“Brendan?”
“Yeah.”
“This is Tommy.”
Brendan was silent. He almost dropped the phone.
“Tommy Mahoney. I’m Tess’s brother.”
“Yeah. I know who you are. What’s up?”
“I–was wondering if you could meet me. I have something for you.”
“When?”
“Is now a good time? My mom’s not here so I can get out of the house pretty easily.”
Brendan scrunched up his forehead. “Ok. I’m…just hangin’ down at Washington Park. Can you come here?”
“Sure. Like twenty minutes or so?”
“Ok.”
Brendan hung up and started walking one of the tree-lined paths. He ducked into some particularly dense brush along the way and sat up against a thick tree trunk, banging his head back a couple of times until it cleared enough to roll the joint.
He took a long drag and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the memories, but Tess’s face came rolling through on waves that wouldn’t stop breaking the shore of his heart. He took another long drag, wishing for a blade. Tears came uninvited, and he let them fall. For the first time since the funeral he let them follow their own path downward.
By the time he made his way out of the brush and back onto the path, he wasn’t sure how much time had gone by, or if he’d missed Tommy altogether. He found a bench out in the open and sat down with his iPod, closed his eyes, and tried desperately to lose feeling altogether.
“Hey! Guess what?”
Brendan felt a nudge on his foot, hit the pause button and opened his eyes, expecting to see Tommy Mahoney.
Instead, Sarah was looking down at him. She was waving a paper in front of his face. “I got a ‘B’!”
He wasn’t in the mood for perky. “Yippee.”
Sarah scrunched up her forehead. “What’s wrong with you?”
He spoke in an exaggerated girl-voice that mocked her statement the day before. “Why should you care?”
She folded her arms across her chest. “I don’t. I was just getting a burger and I was surprised to see you here. You don’t seem like the hang out at the park type. No dog, no Frisbee. Not even a newspaper.”
It was true, he was empty handed, but his pockets held enough entertainment for a fun-filled day at the park. “I’m meeting someone.”
“Ok. Well, I just came over here to say ‘thank you’.”
“And now you have.”
Her hands went to her hips.
“Pout much?”
She looked horrified. “You know what? I thought maybe you were different. Turns out I was wrong.”
He looked back at her with cold eyes. “Yeah? Well, get used to it. It turns out we were all wrong. About pretty much everything.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You know what? Why don’t you go back to your preppy friends, ok? You tried slumming and you got what you needed. Now leave me alone.”
“Slumming? Right. You with your hundred dollar jeans and Eddie Bauer backpack. You’re not fooling anyone wearing the same shirt every day but still smelling like Downy, you know that? Besides, I didn’t ask for your help. You’re the one who offered, remember?”
Brendan kept silent.
“You’re really smart, you know? You could be anything! Why are you wasting your life?”
“Go-a-way!”
“Who did this to you?”
“Did what?”
“Made you hate yourself so much?”
“You don’t know shit.”
Sarah just nodded. “You’re right. I don’t know shit. I guess we have that in common.” She started to walk away but stopped and turned. “Thanks for your help.”
Brendan leaned his head back and closed his eyes, switching the music back into play mode. Screamo lyrics filled his head and everything else faded away, until Tommy shoved his shoulder.
“Dude, how wasted are you? I’ve been calling your cell for like, the last twenty minutes!”
Brendan turned off the music and sat up. He looked down at Tommy’s lap. Tommy looked too. They were both silent. Brendan couldn’t swallow, suddenly afflicted with a wicked case of dry mouth.
Finally Tommy spoke. “Listen, I know it’s been almost a year, but my mom’s still a mess. She won’t even go in Tess’s room, but I spend a lot of time in there when she’s not around. She was my big sister, and I–I loved her. Being in her room makes me feel like she’s still around somehow. Is that weird?”
Brendan shook his head.
“Anyway, I know she didn’t leave a note, but I still think she knew what she was doing. I found this box under her bed.”
Brendan looked down at the large, square box and his eyes glassed over. It was beautiful. Typical Tess. She’d drawn intricate pictures all over the top of the box and hidden words and symbols within the drawing, then colored it all over and sprayed the top with a clear coat. It was a work of art. The only thing that marred the top of the box was a small rectangle where it looked like a piece of tape had been torn away.
Tommy rubbed his thumb over the tear. “There was a letter attached to the top of the box. I thought maybe it was her note, so I read it, but it was to you.”
He was holding the opened envelope in his hands, sliding its length back and forth through his delicate, freckled fingers. Finally he handed it to Brendan, and then set the box in his lap as well. “The box is for you too. She wanted you to have it. My mom would kill me if she knew I gave this away but she doesn’t know it exists yet and…I think that’s what Tess would have wanted.”
Brendan stared at the box for a long time. It felt like a lead weight on his legs, and he couldn’t tell if its mass was real or imagined. Tommy got up and started to walk away, then turned and stopped. Brendan looked up at him, willing back the tears with everything in him. Tommy was already crying.
“I really miss her, you know?”
Brendan swallowed hard and nodded.
“She may have hated her life, but she loved you Brendan. She did. You’ll see.”
Tommy turned back around and walked away. Brendan wiped a hand across his face and shifted several times on the bench, trying desperately not to come completely out of his skin. He couldn’t open the letter. Or the box. He had to get home.
CHAPTER FIVE
“I’d rather sell my nuts to a castrati.”
- Life As A House
Where r u? Did u
forget dinner?
Why don’t u
answer your phone?
Love, Nate
Paige had been buried in the computerized records of Evans and Associates all afternoon when the distinctive hip-hop backbeat pulled her out of the haze of numbers. She wiped a hand over her face and noticed the sun setting in the distance. Startled, she grabbed the phone out of her purse and caught Nate’s text message before hitting the speed dial.
He picked up on the first ring. “Where are you? Are you ok?”
“I am so sorry! I’ve been buried in this mess all afternoon. I’ll tell you all about it later. I promise I’m leaving right now. Forgive me?” She picked up
her purse and briefcase, shutting the computer down as she spoke.
“Of course I forgive you. I just miss you is all.”
She imagined the way his face looked as he was talking and her heart melted some of the hard shell she’d had in place to survive Frank’s office all day. She smiled into the phone. “Are you still at the restaurant?”
“Yeah, but we might want to skip dinner. I’m pretty full on breadsticks and water already.”
“Haha. I’m on my way.”
His laughter was contagious. “Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”
“K. See you soon.”
The secretary Frank had assigned to her sat at a desk nearby. She looked capable but completely bored. She hadn’t given the poor girl one thing to do all afternoon. “Do I need to lock this or just shut the door?”
The perky brunette snapped into action. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it.”
“Thanks.”
“See you on Monday, Ms. Hadley.”
“We’ll see about that.” The elevator doors closed on her words and she immediately dialed Kevin’s cell. “What the hell have you done to me?”
“Paige?”
“Yes Kevin, it’s me. Tell me, why do I suddenly feel like I’ve been traded to the Yankees?”
“Calm down Paige.” Kevin’s tone was condescending and much too ‘older brother’ for her liking.
“No, you calm down!” She hushed her voice as the doors opened at the next floor and several people got on. “Apparently they’re expecting me to be here every day from now on. I have my own office, did you know that? I have my own computer. I have my own secretary, for God’s sake and I-am-on-their-payroll!” She had trouble keeping her voice down and people were starting to look at her as if she’d lost it. They weren’t far from the mark. She tried to hush her voice slightly but the edge wouldn’t leave. “Hell, Kevin they treat me better than you do. Are you trying to get rid of me?”
Letters From The Ledge Page 5