“What are you talking about?”
“And here I thought we were just going to save Private Ryan and get the heck out of dodge. Now I’m stuck behind enemy lines, taking fire, and I find out you’re the one who ordered the ambush!” She was approaching hysterical, but she didn’t really care.
“Ambush? Come on now, you’re overreacting.”
“Am I?”
“Yes, you are.” Kevin used his deliberately calm, soothing voice, which made her even more angry.
“Don’t you patronize me!” She spoke through closed teeth. “If I wanted to work in a cushy little corner office in Trump Plaza for mister barracuda over here I’d have sent him my resume. I can’t believe you let him blindside me like that! I thought we were friends.”
“Wait–did you say you were on his payroll?”
“You should have seen how smug he was this morning, like he’d bought me and I was his to play with. He said the two of you had it all worked out!”
Kevin’s side of the phone was silent.
“Are you still there?”
“Are you finished Paige?”
All the venom she’d been saving up had been released and the relief was almost immediate. She blinked twice and was suddenly much calmer. “Yes. I think so.”
“Good, because I need to tell you what happened on my end.”
“Ok.” Paige hailed a cab and gave the driver the address of the restaurant. It wasn’t far but she didn’t feel like running and Nate was already waiting.
“Frank called me up and offered to let you work over there in an office that was already set up with a computer and the accounting software they’ve been using. Since we’d otherwise cleared your schedule it just made sense to have you work over there for the duration of the job.”
“Yes, but–”
“Now if you don’t want to do that, we’ll try to find another way. It just seemed like he’d gone out of his way to make it easy for you, and silly me, I thought that you’d appreciate that. As for the payroll issue, this is the first I’ve heard of it. I’ll have to look into that.”
“What I would appreciate, Kevin, is a little advanced notice next time I’m going to be left dangling over the piranha tank. You could’ve at least talked to me, instead of letting me go in cold like that.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was going to be such a big deal.”
“After the way he behaved over drinks the other night, you had to have known what I’d be walking into. You could’ve given me half a chance. Instead, you cut my legs out from under me and…”
“Alright! Paige, stop! I get it, ok? I will take care of it. I’ll see if I can get him to send the stuff over.”
“It’s too late. He won’t.”
“What do you mean he won’t?”
“I mean, he won’t. I already asked him.”
“Oh.”
“You want to know what else he told me?”
Kevin sighed audibly. “I can’t imagine.”
Paige relaxed a little more. Most of the steam had been vented and she was starting to find the situation so outlandish that it bordered on comical. She barely got the words out in between snickers. “He said I needed to learn how to hold the bit in my mouth before I’d be fit for the board room.”
“Maybe he likes horses.”
“Or maybe he’s an ass.”
“Were you mean to him?”
“Why would you ask me that? I was the picture of professionalism. I’m only mean to you.” She teased.
“I’ll talk to him–see what I can do.”
Paige shook her head and glanced up to see the cab driver watching her in the rear view mirror. He stopped in front of the restaurant and she was thankful to pay him and get out of the cab.
“Don’t bother. It’ll just give him more fuel. I just wanted you to know you owe me one.”
“Like you’d ever let me forget.”
“Listen, I have to go. I’m meeting Nate for dinner. And by the way, I’m turning my phone off for the weekend.”
“Goodnight Paige.”
“Goodnight Kevin.”
__________
Nate could see the door from his seat. Paige walked toward him, holding her cell phone and waving her free arm in exaggerated motions. She flipped the phone closed just as she got to the table.
“You know, you make a really cute psychopath. I used to have a thing for psychopaths.”
“Very funny.”
“What was that all about?”
Paige plunked down in her chair and related the whole story, starting with her interaction with Frank earlier that morning. The knots in his stomach came back with a vengeance, and the horse comment put him right over the edge. By the time she was finished he’d completely lost his appetite.
“Did you really tell Frank to get out of your new chair?”
She half-smiled and blushed a little. “Yes.”
“Kings to you!” Nate laughed. “Count of Monte Christo?”
She nodded.
“Did he get it?”
Her hand skimmed the top of her hairline. “Right over his head.”
“Now that’s funny.”
“I’m not without my finer points.”
Her coy smile made his heart ache. “Don’t I know it.” He smiled and took a sip of his water. “So, tell me why you’re really upset.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, it’s not like it’s an abnormal sort of business practice. Accountants use their clients’ computers and go to their offices to do work for them all the time. If it was anybody else, I might be sitting here wondering why you’re getting so worked up about this.”
“What, you and Kevin are on the same team now?”
“Hardly! And that’s not fair.”
“You think it’s normal for me to get shoved off onto Frank’s payroll so that he can increase his credibility?”
“No, the payroll thing is a little over the top. Must be something he and Kevin had worked out on the side.”
“Kevin claims he didn’t know anything about that part.”
“That wouldn’t surprise me.”
“Why not?”
Nate put his arms up on the table. “Because I know men like him, Paige. They ask for forgiveness instead of permission, then grease the wheel to stop it from squeaking.”
“You think he’s offering Kevin quiet money?”
“No, and I doubt Kevin would take it even if he did. I may not like Kevin, but I don’t think he’s cutting deals with Frank. It’s more likely a really generous contract with the promise of more ‘sends’ if he’s happy with the service.”
“Come to think of it, that’s exactly what Kevin told me yesterday.” She stirred her drink absently, focusing on the wallpaper.
“How about if we don’t talk about your day anymore. It’s Friday night and we have the whole weekend ahead of us. Let’s forget Frank Evans, forget Kevin, forget everything else except you and me and a nice bottle of…” he picked up the wine list and scanned it quickly “Sauvignon Blanc?”
“You hate white wine.”
“Good point. How about a compromise–a dry rosé?”
“Make it two and you’ve got yourself a deal.”
__________
When Brendan got home he went outside and straddled the ledge with a fresh joint and the box between his legs. He stared at it for a long time, waiting until he was good and numb before he pulled the letter out of his back pocket. Although the envelope was plain, the stationary had doodled images all around the edges, as if she’d sat for hours, composing both the artwork and the words in alternating sessions.
Dear Brendan,
If you’re reading this letter I suppose things have gone from bad to worse. I’m writing it just in case. I’ve been working on this box since the day we met. I use it to store my artwork and poetry and journals. I guess I want you to have them because you’re the only one who knew the real me. If my mom ever knew this
stuff she’d probably have a heart attack. Or worse. She’d probably kill him. God knows I wish I could.
I know you’re probably mad at me for leaving. Maybe once you’ve read my journals you’ll understand why I just couldn’t stay.
But first, there are a few things I need you to know…
Brendan stopped reading. The words had melted into a liquid blur. All these months of questioning, all the wondering–it was all here. In his possession was a box full of information that would likely fill in the gaps and help him to wrap his brain around the whys of her death. And yet, there was really only one question that mattered, and Tommy had already answered it. He wiped his face again and read on:
First of all, and probably most importantly, I need you to know that I love you. My mother always said that a friend’s eye is a good mirror. Through you I saw myself in ways I couldn’t fathom. Knowing you taught me to hope in people. Your friendship saved me from myself so many times, but that doesn’t give you the right to blame yourself for my decision. It was mine to make, and no one else’s.
I think I was put on this earth for a reason, and it must have been so that I could meet you. But I can hear the angels calling to me Brendan, and I want to go to them. I want so much to fly away…
I’m so tired of fighting. Tired of having to hide in my own house, always looking over my shoulder. When he’s done with me he beats me now, and the beatings are getting worse. I hurt all the time. This is no way to live, and yet I’ve seen what it’s like on the streets. The only difference between that and this is choice, and I just couldn’t live with myself if I had to choose it to survive. I hope that some day you can understand that.
I guess I only have one regret, and it’s a little embarrassing to admit, but I wish we’d kissed. I knew you wanted to be more than friends. I wanted that too, but I just couldn’t get close like that without thinking of the other. If I could have my innocence back, I would definitely want my first kiss to be you. You’ve been waiting for me since we were freshmen, through braces and AA cups and on through to now, but I want you to listen to me: I don’t want you to wait any longer.
We’re seventeen Brendan. You need to kiss a girl. You need to be with someone who can love you back. You used to tell me that your mouth went dry when you looked at me. I would tease you that it was just the pot, but I knew exactly what you meant. Find someone who makes your mouth go dry and kiss her and give your heart to her and don’t let her go. Promise me you will. Please.
Lastly, I want you to promise me you won’t try to kill him. He’s twice your size and he’s a mean son of a bitch. Believe me. I know you’ve got an angry side and I have to warn you, my journals are pretty raw. I didn’t exactly plan on anyone reading them when I started writing it all down, but I’m trusting you with this information, so please, don’t do anything stupid. You’ll end up rotting in jail or trying to jump after me and I’m telling you neither one of those are worth it.
You’re smart and funny and creative–don’t waste your life on anger and self-pity. Do the thing that makes you happy Brendan, and whatever you do, don’t settle for someone else’s dreams. Write your own story.
My priest says that God can’t forgive suicide, but if he can forgive what’s been done to me, then he’s going to have to forgive what I’ve done too, right?
Know that I loved you. And if it’s possible at all, I’ll be watching out for you. Me and the angels, that is…
All my heart,
Tess
Brendan let the breath out of his lungs and leaned back against the coolness of the bricks, trying to wrap his brain around all that he’d just read. These were things he’d known in the deep places of his heart somehow, but hearing their truth ring out from the pages of her letter somehow wrapped around the aching void and held it firm.
“I love you too, Tess” he whispered out into the approaching dusk. “I always did.”
He thought about what she said. What kind of a guy made it to eighteen and had never kissed a girl? Maybe the kind that knew the truth deep down: that anything worth keeping was worth waiting for.
CHAPTER SIX
“People should know when they are conquered.”
“Would you, Quintus? Would I?”
Gladiator
“I had lunch with Frank Evans today.”
“Really?” Paige was cutting up vegetables, getting ready to make a stir-fry.
The twisting knots returned to Nate’s stomach with each mention of the man. “He couldn’t stop talking about you.”
“About me?”
“Yeah. Apparently you’ve really wowed him. He said if he hadn’t made a promise to Kevin, he’d be offering you an incredible jump ship opportunity.”
“I don’t see what a promise should have to do with it. He doesn’t strike me as the kind of man that worries much about making promises–or keeping them, for that matter.”
“He really got under your skin, didn’t he?”
She stopped cutting and looked over at Nate. “Look who’s talking.”
His hands went up and he shook his head. “No argument there.”
“He’s not just under my skin, Nate. It’s like it’s crawling with maggots.” She started cutting again, but her hand gripped the knife so tightly that it shook with the effort.
Nate moved in behind her and held on. She let go of the knife and held onto his arms instead. “Maybe you should ask Kevin to put someone else on this job.”
She shook her head. “No can do. He hand picked me for this and took all my other clients away on purpose. According to him, the future success of our company is very much at stake. He made that ultra clear.”
She turned to face him and put her arms around his neck. “I’m supposed to make him happy and do whatever he asks, even if it’s above and beyond the call of duty.”
Nate’s eyes intensified.
“Apparently that’s the way the world works. He gives us his business and then he tells two friends, and then they tell two friends, and on it goes until Kevin’s firm is on the top of the dog pile.”
“Yeah, I know that’s how the world works Paige, but did Kevin really tell you to do whatever it takes? Whatever that slime ball wants?” The monster inside him was fully awake now–fully alert. He could feel blind rage rising up from some deep place, threatening to take control. He fought it back as best he could, but let go of Paige in the process and started pacing around the apartment. “I don’t like where this is going. It sounds too much to me like politics and dirty pool. He doesn’t expect–I mean, not that you would ever–but…”
“Nate, calm down. I don’t think he wants me to sleep with him, if that’s what you’re worried about.” His head shot up. “I was kidding! Listen, that’s ridiculous. Kevin would never in a million years expect that. Besides, the man may be a letch but I can take care of myself Nate! Or have you forgotten?”
“No. I haven’t forgotten. You think I could forget? It haunts me every day–every second that I’m not with you. And I hate to break it to you Paige, but that wasn’t taking care of yourself. That was luck, pure and simple. You kicked and you screamed and they ran and you lived.” His voice was spraying sparks like a downed power line and she ignited. He knew better. He watched her mind turn away.
“How do you know what I did? You weren’t there!” Paige dropped down to the floor and sat with her back against the cabinets, wrapping her arms around her knees. She started to rock. She started to cry.
“Paige, I’m sorry.” He held out his hand toward her. “Please, don’t– “
Her voice went monotone, her eyes lost in some faraway memory. “Go away Nate. I don’t want to talk to you right now.”
“Please don’t pull away from me Paige. Don’t go to that place. I don’t know how to get you back from there.”
She looked at him through pools of deep green tears behind which he faced a solid brick wall. “I said go!”
Nate put on his coat and waited, willing her to look at him. “I’
m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
She was already gone.
__________
The memories always seemed to hit like a flash flood. They came out of nowhere and buried all her senses under muddy water until she couldn’t see and could barely breathe. In that thick, murky place she had to try to find something to grab hold of, because when the water subsided it formed a whirlpool that threatened to suck her back down into its depths, lost forever to the light.
Paige sat back against the cabinets holding her knees and rocking, trying desperately to ride out the storm, but the smell of them, the taste of them, and the searing pain of their intrusions filled her senses instead. She continued to retreat, deeper into the darkness until she no longer felt their fingers running roughshod over her body, one set clamped over her mouth and chest, the other ripping back her skirt.
Huddled in one dank corner of her mind Paige wept. She wept and she shook and she held herself tight until the water was gone and she was left covered in mud. Slowly her legs found their feeling, and she stretched them out against the stiffness of perpetual tension. She took a deep breath in and started reciting the words and strategies she’d learned from her therapist. She tried to picture her safe place. Her visions of a sunny childhood room with windows on two walls always ended up being replaced by Nate’s face.
She loved him. She knew it deep down. But she couldn’t bring herself to tell him. Somewhere the line was just too thin between lover and rescuer, and he took both roles a little too seriously. It was a painful oxymoron that the arms she felt the most protected in all too quickly became stifling. Still, he was gentle and kind and beautiful. It would take some time yet before they’d be ready for more.
__________
Nate rounded the corner and slipped into the Carlton, hoping a Sapphire and tonic would give her some time to find her way back. He hated leaving her when she was like that, but it was something she’d insisted on every time she got triggered. The therapist said it was a trust thing, and when she was ready to trust him she’d let him stay. Until then, he was supposed to respect her need to process in private. It about killed him, but so far he’d kept his end of the bargain.
Letters From The Ledge Page 6