“Hey!” She looked back briefly and smiled, but went right back to her task.
He stood there, watching her, as he’d done so many times, and wondered how in the world he’d get through just one night, let alone every night, without holding her. She was still so fragile at times, but she was right–she had to be allowed to deal with it on her own time, at her own pace. Now, with the Frank part done, she was safer at least, although the thought of Kevin having her all to himself made his blood boil. Still, he was resolute. She had to be allowed to choose. And with any luck, she’d still let him date her…
He slid his arms in behind her, kissed her neck and started to cry.
She turned into him and held onto his neck. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
“Sit down, Paige.”
He led her over to the couch where she did what she was told.
“I’ve…been doing a lot of thinking lately.”
She looked suddenly terrified. “Nate you don’t cry. Like, ever. What’s wrong?”
“You know how I’ve been spending more time with Brendan lately, right?”
“Yeah…”
“Well, he and I had a really good talk recently. You know me, I was trying to give him advice about his future and I thought we were talking about him the whole time.”
She blinked, utterly confused. “But…”
“But suddenly so many things became clear about me. And you. Me and you. You and I.”
“Us. I got it. Now what’s wrong?”
She was understandably impatient, but he had to find the right way to say it.
“You remember Top Gun?”
She nodded. “Tom Cruise, volleyball, fighter pilots…”
“Right. Remember the scene where Cougar goes into the commander’s office and turns in his wings? He says something about almost orphaning his kid and he’s never even seen him?”
Paige nodded silently.
“Then he says–” Nate’s jaw clenched up as he tried to get the next sentence out. “Then he says…‘I’m holding on too tight. I’ve lost the edge.’ Well, that’s what I realized. I’ve lost the edge, Paige.”
She looked at him as if he either had a fever or three heads. “Excuse me?”
“I’ve been holding too tightly–to you.” He swallowed hard, but the lump wouldn’t go down. He couldn’t believe he was saying this. “And I need to let you go.”
“What?!” She was furious and shocked and incredibly wounded all at once.
“No no no!” He put his hands up. “I don’t want to let you go. I need to be able to let you go.”
Paige looked at him closely. “Have you been drinking?”
“No–just thinking.”
“Can we back up a little then? Are you–breaking up with me?”
Nate shook his head. “No. God, no.” He pulled his keys out of his pocket and laid them on the table. “But I am moving out.”
“What? Why?” He could tell she was holding on to the edge of herself. He took her hands in his and leaned in until their foreheads were touching. “I love you, God I love you so, so much. You know this. I know you know this. But I can’t keep holding on so tight. You won’t be able to breathe right. Even if you do love me in return, it’s not right for me to give you so little space to be your own person. When we walked out of Frank’s office the other day I started spouting demands like a crazy person! I don’t want to be that guy.”
“But you were right about Frank.”
“Still. It wasn’t my place to demand those things from you. I can’t keep trying to possess you and I don’t want to. I want-” He struggled hard to maintain composure. “I want you to come to me when you’re ready–when you want it as much as I do. And until that happens, I think we should just date, but maybe not live together.”
“You don’t…like living together?”
“No Paige, no. That’s not it. I like it too much. I want…too much from you. Things you aren’t ready for and I know that and I love you enough to wait for you–for as long as it takes I’ll wait for you.”
“But…”
“But when we were in the bathroom of the restaurant the night that I told you about Frank beating up on Brendan. You said something that hit me right here.” He pointed to the middle of his chest. “You said you could see what it was doing to me, and until you said that I couldn’t see it for myself. Not at all.”
She didn’t say a word. She just sat there trying to process what he was telling her.
“I have been listening, Paige. When you said that I try too hard, and that I’m always trying to gauge your reactions and adjust my responses. You were right. It is…kind of exhausting.”
She shook her head slowly, trying to clear the dazed look from her eyes. “Wow. Of all the possibilities you could’ve come up with, I never would have dreamed this would be an option you’d consider.”
“I couldn’t think of any other way to fix it.” His shoulders shrugged up slightly. “I figured you’d be relieved.”
“Not relieved.” She shook her head. “A little rejected, maybe, but definitely not relieved.”
He looked at his shoes. “This is not a rejection, Paige. Please, don’t think that way.”
“Ok, but you have to admit, it feels a little like an early eighties greeting card.” She smiled and tried to lift his face with her hands. “If you love something, set it free…that was supposed to be funny. It went along with the Top Gun reference. Well, same decade, anyway.”
He pleaded with his eyes. “I love you Paige. With everything I am, I love you. I’m just… trying to be the kind of man you deserve.”
She shook her head. “You’re already more than I ever hoped for.”
“That’s sweet of you to say, but we both know things aren’t quite right between us. I’m hoping some distance will pull us together.”
“You realize how backwards that sounds.”
“I do.”
They sat in comfortable silence for a while.
“Where will you go?” she asked.
“I’ve found a short term, furnished apartment and it’s available immediately. I’ll start moving my stuff out tomorrow, if that’s ok with you.”
“There’s no one else?”
He blinked back his horror. “Absolutely not! And I am in no way suggesting we date other people. I want us to date each other–exclusively.” He tried to stop the rush of passionate declaration and then shook his head, slightly defeated. “See? That’s what I mean. If…if you want to discuss seeing other people–”
“Shh!” She put her finger over his lips. “That’s not what I want either.”
His relief was palpable.
“Dating, huh?” She looked up at him. “What’s that even supposed to look like when you’ve lived together and slept together and fought together for over two years already?”
Nate was quiet for a minute. It was a really good question. “I’m not sure, but I’m willing to find out if you are. Maybe we could…define some terms–set some boundaries? You tell me. Whatever you need.”
She closed her eyes, leaning in to kiss him. “I just have one question.”
“What’s that?”
“Are sleepovers allowed?”
He grinned, pulling her into his arms. “I think that could definitely be up for negotiation.”
__________
Brendan scanned the audience furiously as he sat on the stage, waiting for his name to be called. His mother was there, and his aunt and her husband, two of his cousins and his one surviving grandparent on his mother’s side, although why they’d given her a one-day pass from the loony bin for this he couldn’t quite understand. For a few strange, awkward seconds he thought about his birth mother, and wondered where she was. Maybe one day he’d look, but just now it wasn’t her presence he was missing.
Finally he spotted Nate in the crowd. Next to Nate was a beautiful blond who Brendan assumed must be his girlfriend, and next to them it didn’t matter who was in the audienc
e. The actual walk and tassel moving was more of a relief than anything else. When it was over there was a large reception in the adjoining hall, so that parents and graduates could find one another again, congratulations could be offered, and watered down Kool-Aid was served with cardboard cookies.
To Brendan’s surprise, Nate stuck around, and was waiting for him when he walked in. Nate stuck out his hand, but Brendan nearly bowled him over with a hug.
“I’m so glad you came! I wasn’t sure you would.”
Nate grinned. “And miss this? Not on your life!”
“Where’s your blond?”
“She–had to be somewhere. She said to say congratulations.”
Brendan tilted his head to one side. “Are you guys ok?”
“I’m moving out.”
“Oh. Sorry, man. Your call or hers?”
“It was actually my choice. Part of my ‘new plan’–how to be less of a shit-head in one easy lesson.”
“I’ll drink to that.” Brendan grinned. Nate narrowed his eyes until Brendan punched him in the arm. “I’m kidding!”
“You still clean?”
Brendan shrugged without apology. “Fairly.”
Nate nodded. “Where’s your mom?”
Brendan did a quick survey of his immediate surroundings. “I don’t know. Around here somewhere I guess.”
“Still going to Europe?”
“Yup. I leave tomorrow morning.”
“You haven’t told them yet, have you?”
Brendan shook his head. “Nope.”
Nate thought about that for a minute. “Are you coming back?”
Brendan’s eyes were serious. “I don’t know, can I crash on your couch if I do?”
“Tell you what–when you get back, if you’re still clean, you can stay with me for a little while, and I’ll try to help you figure out a better, more long-term solution.”
Brendan didn’t try to hide his shock. “Really? I–I was kidding.”
Nate’s face didn’t move a muscle. “Dead serious.”
“Question.”
“Yeah?” Nate figured on this one coming sooner rather than later.
Brendan set his feet in a wide stance and folded his blue, silk-covered arms across his chest. “I just can’t figure this out. I’ve been over it a million times. I mean, I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but I still don’t get it. Why? Why me?”
It was exactly the question Sarah had asked him, months ago. He didn’t know why then, but he sure knew it now. Nate didn’t answer at first. He was just staring back at Brendan with a weird look on his face, as if he was deliberating.
“I mean, I know I’m cute and all and you like my smile, but you sure don’t have any reason to put yourself out there for me.” Brendan grinned, trying for levity but hoping for a straight answer. “So, what’s the deal?”
Nate took a deep breath in. “When I look at you, I can see your future Brendan.”
Brendan laughed loudly. “What, you wanna read my palm next?” He stuck out his hand and the blue gown slid up past his forearms. Unfortunately, his shirtsleeve also pulled up a little too much, revealing a scar too low to be easily hidden. Brendan watched Nate’s eyes flicker, but otherwise he acted like he didn’t notice. If anything it seemed to increase his intensity.
“I see incredible potential in you Brendan, and I love betting against the odds.”
He seemed to be deciding how to phrase his next statement, so Brendan kept quiet.
“A lot of guys invest in stuff– cars, toys, stocks, bonds…but those are just things. I prefer to invest in people.” He was staring at Brendan so intensely that it started to get uncomfortable. He was held there, mesmerized by the intensity of it all. “I believe in you, and I think you’re worth the risk.”
Brendan laughed again. “Ok, Yoda.”
Nate’s face was unchanged. Brendan blinked a couple of times. He thought about that–someone believing in him. Sarah had said the same thing. The thing he had to figure out though, the thing driving him to get on that plane in the morning, was whether or not he believed in himself. Nate seemed to know that, and was still ok with it.
Brendan swallowed hard. “It’s gonna be a long road, you know that, right?”
Nate stood firm, ready for the challenge. “I’ll be here when you get back.”
“Thanks.”
“Congratulations.” The two men shook hands and Nate produced an envelope. “For your trip.”
“You didn’t have to do that.”
“I know.”
Brendan watched Nate walk away and turned around just in time to see his mother and his aunt coming toward him.
“There you are!” Ginny sang out. She grabbed his hands and pretended to kiss his cheek. “We’re going to dinner at six, ok?”
“Sure. No problem.”
Ginny began recounting the story of how Brendan would be traveling in Europe for six weeks as a graduation present from her and Frank before starting The Wharton School of Business in the fall. Her words were like white noise and suddenly he caught the scent of apples. When he looked up Sarah was standing a few feet away, watching him.
“Excuse me a minute, Mom.”
Ginny turned to see what had caught his attention and raised her eyebrows in the direction of the cute brown haired girl he was heading toward.
“You’re back to you.” Brendan nodded his approval.
She fingered her hair. “I’m surprised you remember the original color.”
“I remember a lot of things.”
Sarah smiled. “Yeah, well–I realized I was pretty ok the way I was.”
“I’m glad you came.” His voice was gentle and his eyes were soft and when he smiled the look on her face stuck tiny pins into his heart.
“I brought you something.” She held out what looked like a book, wrapped in white paper and tied with a black and white ribbon.
“Thanks. You didn’t have to do that.”
“Actually, I did.”
“Should I open it now?” He began to tug at the ribbon but she put her hand on top of his to stay his fingers. The electric pulse was almost immediate, running back and forth between the two of them.
“No! Wait, please–at least until I’m gone. In fact, you–might want to wait until you’ve got some time alone.”
Brendan looked up at her, a bit puzzled. “Ok.”
“So what’s next? For you, I mean.”
She was trying to be casual, he could tell, but his conversation with Nate still had him by the throat, and between the two of them, the idea of getting on that plane in the morning was becoming less and less appealing.
“I leave in the morning.”
“Europe! You’ll love it.”
“Have you been?”
“Once, yes. My aunt took me, two summers ago. She’s the one I’ll be staying with.”
“Right. And when do you leave?”
“Not for a couple more weeks. Some of us still have finals.”
Brendan remembered the AP Exam. They’d given out the results of the exams after yesterday’s rehearsal. He wasn’t sure if she’d gotten hers yet. “So, did you get your test score back yet? For the AP Bio exam?”
She shook her head. “I’m not so sure I passed. I could always take another shot at it next year.”
He’d forgotten that she still had a year to go. He nodded.
Sarah stuffed her hands in her pockets. “So, are you going to Europe all by yourself?”
“Does my camera count? The two of us spend an awful lot of time together!”
“That should be great for those long, cold nights.” She laughed. “Better pack a sweater, just in case!”
His eyes lit up. “Tell me your favorite place and I’ll make sure to visit it!”
She tried to read his expression and flushed pink. “Really?”
“Of course!”
“Well, are you going to France?”
“Absolutely!”
Sarah didn�
�t need to think long. “Paris Opera House–hands down.”
Brendan held up his fingers and wiggled them “Ooh! You mean where the Phantom lives?”
“Yes, actually. Tell him I said hi.”
They both laughed.
“Seriously though, I’ve never felt anything like that place.”
“Don’t you mean seen? You’ve never seen anything like it?”
“No, I’m pretty sure I know what I meant. You’ll see.”
His mother was standing about ten feet away, watching them with interest. He watched Sarah smile and then quickly look away.
“I’d introduce you, but she’s like a piranha. Trust me–I’m doing you a favor.” He waved his mother off behind his back.
“It’s ok. I have to go anyway. I just came to give you that.”
“Well, thanks again.”
She hesitated for a minute before clearing her throat. “I realize, that I might never see you again, and…I just want you to know how much you’ve meant to me. The present explains the rest.”
Brendan’s mouth went dry. “Ok.” I’m pretty sure I love you.
“Thanks for helping me to be brave.”
She took his face in her right hand and stood on her tiptoes, leaning in toward his freshly shaven cheek. When she got close he turned toward her and took her mouth instead, grabbing hold of her by both upper arms, holding her captive and unleashing a gentle fury he didn’t know he possessed. He lost himself in the waves of it, until the room came back into focus and he released her just as gently.
Sarah stood wide-eyed. He licked his lips and tasted her again, swallowing and searching for the right words.
“Goodbye Brendan.” She turned and disappeared into the crowd.
Suddenly his mother’s biting voice was in his ear. “So much for your father’s theory. You ready to go, Romeo?”
Brendan looked up. “Yeah. Ready.”
“So, is that the same girl I saw you with that one day? Sarah, was it? The one who’s ‘just a friend’?”
He didn’t have the strength to fight her anymore. “Yeah. It’s…complicated.”
Ginny smiled at him. “I understand.”
It was strange, having his mother become more and more of a human before his very eyes. He wondered how he would see her five years from now, or ten, for that matter. She was right, of course. His birth mother had given him breath but Ginny had given him the rest. She’d been there every single day of his life. Still, it didn’t excuse the neglect, and it didn’t help that she’d turned her head the other way every time his father got physical. But looking down at her now, she looked small and fragile.
Letters From The Ledge Page 30