EPILOGUE
“If the professor calls about that job, just tell him sorry,
I have to go see about a girl.”
- Good Will Hunting
“Can I get a couple of eggs over easy, an order of rye toast and some coffee?”
“Sure thing. I’ll just put this up and be right back with your coffee.” Sarah came around the corner of the breakfast bar and tacked the order sheet onto a metal wheel, then spun it so it faced the cook. Turning back around, she grabbed the coffee pot and filled the man’s cup. Moving down the line she came to a man holding open a section of the newspaper.
“How about you. Are you ready?”
Brendan dropped the newspaper and flashed her favorite smile. “Yeah. I think I finally am.”
Her hand clamped over her mouth as she stifled a scream. Wide-eyed, she stood shaking her head back and forth.
“Could you remove your hand from your mouth, miss?” Brendan tried it as an official-sounding command.
When she dropped her hand, he stood up and leaned across the counter. Taking her face in both of his hands, he kissed her.
The man in the booth called out “Does that mean I’m not gonna get my eggs?”
All the other customers laughed and Sarah opened her eyes, trying to look around the place while still attached to Brendan’s lips.
When they pulled away, Brendan was still smiling. A graying woman in her early fifties was standing next to him with her arms crossed over her chest. She inclined her head toward Brendan. “This him?”
Sarah nodded. “Brendan, this is my aunt Margie. Aunt Margie? This is Brendan.”
“Pleased to meet you ma’am.”
He extended his hand but instead Margie pulled him into a hug and patted him soundly. “We don’t do with formalities around here. The sooner you figure that out, the better.”
He looked over Margie’s shoulder at Sarah, who was trying not to giggle and being no help at all. Margie released him and proceeded to take the pad and pen out of Sarah’s hand. “Don’t you think it’s about time you took a break?”
Sarah smiled up at her. “Thanks momma.”
“Now get outta here.” She whacked Sarah on the rump to get her moving. “And don’t come back until you’re good ‘n done.”
Sarah quickly removed her apron and ran out from behind the counter. Everyone in the place applauded as Brendan held the door and they walked quietly outside.
He shook his head. “Well, that wasn’t embarrassing at all.”
“Sorry. It’s like one big family up here.” They walked quietly along the harbor for a little while. Finally she stopped to lean up against a railing. “What are you doing here, Brendan?”
“So far, mostly exploring the hills and the town.”
“You mean to tell me you’ve been here more than five minutes and the locals haven’t ratted you out? Impossible!”
“I got in yesterday, but I’ve kept a pretty low profile.” He leaned in toward her as he spoke, and her warmth felt almost too good. “You were right, you know?”
“About what?”
“This place. These hills.” He looked up toward the place he’d spent the better part of the morning. “It does make you want to fly. And it’s nothing like New York.”
“Surely the things you saw in Europe this summer have rivaled this place.”
“No, I’m pretty sure the view around here is about the most beautiful I’ve ever experienced.” He turned to face her. “I’m sorry for the way I treated you when we were in New York.”
She looked down at her feet, but didn’t reply.
“I was pretty confused for a while there.”
“I know. It’s ok.”
“No, it’s not–not really. We started something that I never finished. I walked away without letting you know how I really felt.”
“And that’s why you’ve come?”
“Partly, yes.”
She stood with her arms folded across her chest. “I’m listening.”
“You look like Aunt Margie.”
She smiled at him but didn’t move a muscle.
He took a deep breath and nodded. He’d rehearsed the speech at least a hundred times, but now, standing in front of her, it was a lot harder than he’d imagined it. The words stuck to the roof of his mouth like peanut butter.
Sarah’s head tilted slightly. “You wanna take a hike?”
“Are you trying to get rid of me already?” Brendan grinned.
“I meant together.”
“Are you sure your aunt won’t mind?”
“She doesn’t actually need me. She just lets me work there to give me something to do. It’s a relatively small town and it’s not like there’s ever a lunch rush or anything. How about I run back and get my sweater and pack us some sandwiches. We can have a picnic.”
“I’d like that.”
Later as they walked up the side of the hill Brendan told her all about the places he’d traveled and what he’d been doing. Three magazines had bought pictures from him and he was planning several more submissions. They stopped about halfway up the hill and sat on a couple of large, flat boulders. She closed her eyes and leaned back on her arms, letting the wind blow through her hair. He got his camera out and started snapping pictures.
“You’d better be photographing the landscape mister.”
When she opened her eyes the camera was pointed right at her. He looked out at her over the top of the viewfinder. “Sorry. Can’t help it.”
“Turn around, genius. The real view is that way.”
“I would have to disagree.”
“Flattery will get you nowhere.”
He smiled. “I would have to disagree.”
She closed her eyes again, shaking her head. “If I don’t see it, it doesn’t exist, right?”
“Why don’t you like having your picture taken?”
“I don’t know. I just don’t. It makes me feel self-conscious.”
“Ok, landscape it is. Mind if I walk around here for a bit and try to get a better angle on the harbor?”
“Have at it.” Eyes still closed, she waved at the air with her hand. “This is my favorite rock. Just wake me up when you’re finished.”
He walked all around the perimeter and snapped several more shots of her laying on the rock, with the harbor in the background. “You’re right. The harbor is gorgeous from here.”
She didn’t open her eyes. “I told you so.”
He zoomed in on her face as she smiled with her eyes closed. The sun kissed the tops of her cheeks and danced off her eyelashes. He switched to black and white and tried a few more.
When she opened her eyes he snapped a few more of the harbor. She pushed up onto her elbows. “So, I hate to be blunt but…have you been clean all summer?”
He stopped and looked at her. “I haven’t been able to give up drinking altogether. It’s especially difficult in Europe. There’s virtually no drinking age and its so much a part of their culture. Believe it or not, being over there helped me to learn to slow down and drink more responsibly. I know that sounds like a copout but I’m serious. There’s something to the way Americans think about alcohol that fuels the addiction, I think.”
He shrugged. “Anyway, I haven’t smoked pot since I left New York, which is something of a miracle, seeing as I’ve been at it pretty regularly since I was about fifteen.”
“And the cutting?” She was looking straight at him.
Brendan chuckled. “Don’t beat around the bush or anything.”
“Look, you came all the way to Canada. We might as well talk about the real issues.”
“You’re right. Sorry.”
He was quiet for a while but finally she broke the silence. “Has it been hard?”
“Pretty much the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’ve filled up countless journals with my thoughts, trying to sort it all out.”
“And?”
He walked over and pulled up his right sleeve. “I see
m to be healing nicely.”
She sat up, looking at the decided absence of new cut marks. “You didn’t become ambidextrous while you were gone, did you?”
He pulled up the other sleeve and grinned. “No ma’am!”
She smiled and leaned her head into him. His slipped his arm around her shoulders but she spun out of his grip, slid off the boulder and kept walking. He got the message.
“So, did you go to the Paris Opera House?”
His face suddenly lit up. “Oh God, yeah. You were so right. It was amazing!”
A smile spread across her lips and she looked down at her feet. “I’m glad.”
Brendan’s heart started to ache. She was there, but distant. The cut had gone deeper than he realized, and it was beginning to put a damper on what was supposed to be a great afternoon. He wanted to pull her into his arms and just hold on.
In all the time he was away, it was Sarah’s face running through his mind and tearing at his heart–not Tess’s. Tess was a memory from a different life when he was a different man. The man he was now was all Sarah. It had to be her and he knew it at the core, he just wasn’t sure how to explain it. Suddenly all the words he’d rehearsed felt canned.
At the top of the ridge Sarah spread a blanket and Brendan kneeled down next to the basket she’d brought, helping to lay out the sandwiches and drinks.
She looked up at him. “Just like old times.”
He closed the lid on the basket. “Listen, I have to get this out, because if I don’t, I’m gonna explode or something.”
She stopped unwrapping her sandwich and set it down. “Ok.”
He sat down hard on his butt. “Besides, when you’re done hearing what I have to say, you might not want to have lunch with me.”
She sat quietly, picking at the grass. “I’m listening.”
“I had this whole speech prepared for what I was going to say when I saw you. It sounded good on paper, but it wouldn’t be the whole truth, and if we’re going to have any chance at all together, it’s got to start with the truth.”
She raised her eyebrows. “What could be so bad Brendan? It’s not like we made each other any promises.”
“I know that, but for all the time that you’ve known me–well, up until recently anyway, I’ve…been in love with a ghost.”
“I know that.”
“No, not really you don’t. And I want to try to explain.”
He told her the story of how he and Tess met, the struggles they’d both shared, and how abandoned he’d felt when she committed suicide. He told her about his journal and how it was full of letters he wrote to her while he was out on the ledge.
“So that’s what you were doing out there? Trying to muster the courage to join her? Some tragic Romeo and Juliet, ‘together-forever’ kind of a thing?” Her sarcasm was laced with anger and he got quiet. “I’m sorry. That was unfair, wasn’t it?”
“It’s ok.” He pulled up a handful of grass and started picking through it. “We never had a relationship, Tess and I. I never even kissed her. Her stepfather used to…rape her whenever he got drunk, which was pretty often. She didn’t even like to be touched. And so, I–respected her boundaries. I figured when she was ready, we could try to start slow or something.”
She was quiet for a long time. “I’m so sorry Brendan. That must have been horrible.”
He kept picking at the grass. “When she died it threw me so hard that I didn’t deal with any of it for months.”
“And then you met me.”
“Yeah.” When Brendan looked over, her eyes were shining back at him. “Sarah, can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“The last entry in your journal was a letter you wrote me. It’s dated two days before graduation. When did you know for sure that it was me?”
“A couple weeks before that.”
“All that time and you never used the binoculars before?”
“Nope.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know, I guess I just didn’t want to ruin it. For a long time you were this unseen force in my life–this enigma. I never knew when you were going to show up out there–or if you would. And it pushed me farther. It caused me to question. It caused me to seek you out in my world–at least, my version of you in someone else’s body. I just didn’t know that you were actually…you. Funny, isn’t it?”
“Freaky weird is more like it.” Brendan exaggerated multiple blinks.
“Yeah. Especially once my mind started playing tricks on me.”
“Well, that’s another thing.” Brendan explained. “You’re not going to believe this.”
“Try me.”
“Remember what you wrote about those two angelic bouncers?”
“Yeah. Listen, I’m pretty sure I was seeing things. If you could try to forget about that part, I’d really appreciate it.”
Brendan’s face was serious. “Sarah, I remember that night. I remember it clearly, which is pretty strange, considering the fact that I was really stoned.”
“And?”
He pulled a folded piece of paper out of his back pocket and began reading aloud:
Tess,
Life is getting more and more strange. Last night I fell asleep on the ledge. Last thing I remember is lying on my back, trying to see if I could levitate. I guess I drifted off. You know how you can be just about asleep, but then all of a sudden you have that falling sensation so you jerk yourself awake? Well, that’s what happened only when I woke up I was laying face down on the ledge with one arm and one leg hanging off of it.
I had a weird dream while I was asleep out there too. I dreamed I was falling–kind of floating actually, and there were these two big bouncer dudes who were throwing me out of a bar and I was like “Dudes–you guys are really strong”. In the dream I woke up face down on the pavement in front of the bar and that’s the last part of the dream I remember before I jerked awake. It was a lot like the dream where I was kissing that girl. It felt so real that when I woke up I could still feel their hands around my biceps.
Sarah went white. “You’re not joking, are you?”
“I wish I was. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since I read your journal. I mean, it’s not really possible, is it?”
She shook her head. “I don’t know. I told Jillian about it before I left. She said they were real angels. I told her she was crazy.”
“You saw something with your naked eye at the exact time that I dreamed it. That’s pretty weird if you ask me.”
They were both silent for a while. She looked up at him. “Does that mean you believe in God?”
“I don’t know. I’m not sure what I believe.”
Sarah grabbed up her sandwich and started unwrapping it. “I’m starved. You wanna eat?”
“You go ahead. I’ll keep talking.”
“I salute your persistence.” She raised her soda can in his direction before taking a sip.
Brendan pulled at the grass some more. “I’ve missed you Sarah.” He tossed some of the grass onto her sandwich.
She stopped eating and put the sandwich back down. “You currently have my full attention.”
He took another deep breath and searched her eyes. “I think I’m in love with you.”
She blinked at him, unsure how to respond. “Brendan–I understand everything you’ve told me. Really–I get it. But I’m not sure I’m up for competing with a ghost. Ghosts don’t make mistakes, and the longer they live in your memory, the better they become. I’m real Brendan. And I’m never going to live up to her memory.”
“I know that, and I’m probably saying this badly, but you have to understand–I didn’t know what to make of my feelings before. They were all twisted up with grief and anger and I couldn’t be sure if I really wanted you or if I just wanted-” he looked out toward the harbor “-a safe port in the storm. That’s why I pushed you away. I didn’t want to make you suffer through my indecision.”
She kept stari
ng at her knees.
“Please don’t shut me out. I need to know you’re hearing me when I say this.”
It took her a minute, but finally she looked him in the eye.
“All the time I’ve been gone it’s been your face I’ve seen and your touch I’ve missed–not Tess’s. Before I left for Europe I went to the cemetery to say goodbye to her, and it’s like I left my feelings for her buried there too. It’s you I’ve thought of–you I’ve missed.”
A hint of a smile touched the corners of Sarah’s mouth.
“And that apple smell! God I’ve missed that apple smell!”
Her face was perplexed. “What apple smell?”
“Your perfume or shampoo or whatever it is you wear that smells like fresh apples all the time. I swear I smell it every time I get near you!” He dropped into the grass and took a deep breath in through his nose. “It’s even better than this gorgeous mountain and sea air!”
She blinked at him some more. “Brendan?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t wear apple perfume.”
“Well, whatever it is you girls wear–lotion, hair gel, I don’t know.”
“I don’t have anything at all that fits that description.”
He pushed up onto his elbows. “You have to! The only time I’ve ever smelled it is when I’m around you.”
“Sorry. I’ve never bought apple-scented anything. I’m a melon girl, myself. But I’ll tell you what–that’s almost as weird as the angelic bouncers. Do you smell it now?”
“No, but I did when I kissed you back at the restaurant, and I did at graduation, and I did the first time I kissed you.”
She pulled a handful of hair in front of her nose and sniffed, then shook her head. “No can do. No apples anywhere.”
His face was near panic-stricken. “Permission to smell you?”
She saluted him and made a serious face. “Carry on soldier.”
She dropped down to elbow level and he leaned over, burying his face in her hair and breathing deeply. He smelled the shoulder of her shirt, then her arm. Finally he swooped around to the front of her neck, breathing in all the while.
Letters From The Ledge Page 32