by Unknown
I was six months pregnant before I even knew I was pregnant. I drank, smoked, and did drugs those entire six months, anything I could to feel numb. Anything to take the pain away. I was lost in my own little world. I struggled every day of my life to do the right thing, but the demons always won.
Somehow, I managed to quit when I found out I was pregnant. But it didn’t matter at that point. Bailey came early, barely weighing three pounds. She was in the hospital for a long time. The good part of me continued to shine bright for a while and I was able to take Bailey home. I moved, I told no one of her. She was mine. That’s why I never put your name on the birth certificate. I never told anyone who her father was. I didn’t want to share her with anyone.
My fucked up head thought since I was her mom she would get me. That she would be just like me. She would understand me, want to be with me, and would love me because she was my daughter. I thought for the first time in my life I finally had someone who understood me and loved me for who I was.
Everything was fine for a few years, and then I started to slip away. I did not want to give her up. I wanted to keep her. I tried so hard. I fought those demons every day, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. I lost Bailey years ago. Bailey is not the person I thought she would be. She sees the light and it reminded me of you. Every time I looked at her and saw the light, I saw you. And even though I got to see if for a few years, that light is gone for me. It won’t ever come back.
Think of me what you want, but you don’t have the demons living inside you. You don’t have to hear them or see them. I did what I had to do to survive, but I can’t do it anymore. My daughter doesn’t like me. She barely looks at me. I’ve tried so hard, but I’ve failed. I don’t have anything left live to for. No fight. Nothing.
It’s your choice if you want to share this letter with her. Whatever you decide, I know that you’ll do what’s best for Bailey. I do love her, always have, just in my own fucked up way.
You both have the light. You belong together. You’ll be everything Bailey needs.
Please do what I couldn’t and give her something I was never able to give her. Life.
-Shawna
I was in a puddle of tears by the time I finished her letter. It all made sense now—Bailey’s small frame and why she never loved her mom. I felt bad for both of them. Shawna said she tried, and as much as I was glad she did, she could have reached out to someone. She had family!
“I don’t even know what to say…”
Rudd took the letters and put them back in the drawer. He crawled into bed and sat facing me, just as he had been. “Bailey and I agreed we would forget the past and work on our future.”
“Yeah, you can’t go back and change it,” I muttered, wiping my cheeks dry.
“She’s a strong little girl, full of life, despite what she’s been through.” That made me smile. “She has us now, Adalyn.” I nodded and he kept talking, “I’m not ready yet to reach out to her parents. There’s so much going on right now, and I think its best we wait.”
“You’re a good father Rudd; it’s one of the things that I love most about you.”
He leaned over and kissed me. It was very slow and sweet. It was like a soothing balm for my aching heart.
He broke away and rested his forehead on mine. “I need to tell you something else,” he confessed. “About the letter, what Shawna said about my demons.”
I almost forgot; I was so wrapped up in what happened to Bailey. “Oh.”
“It’s not bad.” He sat up and moved to the headboard and I crawled up and sat next to him. “I didn’t have demons, I was depressed.”
“Your parents had just died.”
“Yeah, but it was more than that. I honestly never planned to tell anyone, Adalyn. Not even if I found someone to share the rest of my life with. You’re different though. I never thought I’d feel this way about a woman, someone who I could share my deepest secrets with.”
“I understand.”
“You’re not mad at me for not telling you sooner?”
I snickered. “Like you said, we’ve been busy. Very busy.”
He was quiet for a while, staring off into nothing, obviously trying to organize his thoughts, and I waited patiently. I wanted to know everything about him, but at the same time, if I didn’t know it wouldn’t bother me. It wouldn’t change how I feel about him or the two kids who were sleeping down the hall.
“My mom came from a rich family. Her parents didn’t like that she fell in love with a farm boy, who wanted to become a police officer. However, Mom was madly in love with my father, knew he was the one from the moment they met, and she picked him. She picked him over her family, and then they cut her off. They never spoke to her again.”
“Oh my God,” I breathed.
“She always said, “Be patient with who you fall in love with Rudd, but don’t fight it either. Sometimes people fall in love with just one look, one touch. I fell in love with your father the first time he smiled at me.”
“I really like your mom,” I said interrupting him and rubbing a hand over my necklace. “She sounds like my mom.”
“She would have liked you too, Adalyn. Very much,” he paused briefly, his sad eyes boring into mine. “I met up with my parents for dinner one night, over in St. George.” He looked at me and asked, “You know that large curve in the road, by the ravine?” I nodded yes, Madi always slowed down when going around it. “Then you know it’s a tight turn, especially in the winter. I was following them home and my dad lost traction on the curve. The car spun, flipped, and ended up in the ravine.” Once again, I was crying. I didn’t like where this was headed. “I ran to them and slid down the best I could to get to them. It was snowing; the ground was so wet and slippery. I had nothing to hold on to. The car was slipping off the edge. The ravine isn’t that deep, but it’s a good fall. My dad was unconscious, and my mom was still alert and her door was facing me. But I…”
“It’s okay, Rudd.”
“I tried, Adalyn,” his voice broke and sounded thick with tears. The pain in his eyes made my tears flow. I couldn’t hold them back anymore. “I couldn’t reach her. She was stuck and told me repeatedly to get back on the road. The car slipped, and she told me she loved me just before the car fell down the ravine.”
I threw myself at him, wrapped my arms around his neck, and cried. Even though I feel like I’ve lost my parents, I haven’t. Rudd watched them fall to their deaths. No wonder why he was depressed and lonely. Who could blame him?
“I’m fine, Adalyn,” he whispered in my ear. “I met Ian a few months into the police academy and he dragged me out. I don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t met him.”
I nodded as I pulled back, wiping my face on the arm of my shirt. “Did I hurt your shoulder?”
“No babe, its fine.” I’m sure he was lying to me, but I wasn’t about to fuss over it tonight. I felt completely physically, mentally, and now, emotionally exhausted from the long day, so I laid my head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. It was relaxing.
“You okay?” he asked softly, running a hand through my hair.
I sighed, relaxed into him more, but didn’t answer. I wasn’t okay, but I would be soon. I felt bad for him and wished he still had his parents. I’m glad Ian was able to help him.
“Have you heard from Ian lately?”
“We’re playing phone tag, but his text message said it wasn’t urgent, so I guess we keep waiting.” After a few seconds he asked, “Do you miss them?”
“Every single day,” I said, grasping my necklace and sliding their rings on my fingers, until sleep finally took me away.
***
A few days later, I was feeling a lot better. We were sticking to a routine, which I knew would change once Rudd went back to work, but that was okay. We would adjust. I wanted them to know my schedule without having to keep asking, so I bought a calendar. I hung it up in the kitchen where everyone could see it, not bothering to ask Rudd if it was
okay. The way he grabbed me around the waist and kissed me until my legs gave out, let me know he didn’t mind at all.
I worked most of yesterday and Rudd and the kids ran errands all day, which included a stop at the hardware store. Bailey wanted to know where I worked, and I gave them a tour of the place. She was in awe of Madi, watching her cut and trim wood. She said she wanted to learn how to do that someday, and Madi promised she would when she was old enough.
After my shower, I got dressed and headed to the kitchen. It was empty. I called out for the three of them, but no one answered. On the dining room table was a note, which said they were out on the dock. Sometimes we would fish in the morning, but only after breakfast. I was confused, but slipped my sandals on and headed out the door.
I saw Rudd watching me as I walked down the dock. He had his sling on, and his other hand held a sheet of paper with the word, WILL written on it. Next to him was Danny, who was also holding a sheet of paper. His said, YOU. All air escaped my lungs as I swung my eyes to Bailey. Her sign said, MARRY US?
Will you marry us?
I reached out and grabbed the deck, unsteady on my feet. I was speechless. Bailey was smiling up at me, showing all of her teeth; even Danny flashed me a small smile. I looked up at Rudd and let my hand guide me to the gliding on top of the dock, until I was standing in front of them. The love I had for the three of them tripled. It was deep and rooted into my soul. I felt complete, like my life was finally whole. Life had led me here, and maybe Madi was right, maybe it was fate after all.
“She’s not talking,” Danny muttered, lowering his paper.
He was right, I wasn’t. I was so moved by their proposal; I just wanted to make this moment last forever.
Rudd handed his sign to Danny and pulled out a black box from his pocket. Even though his arm was in the sling, he used both hands to open it. He started to lower on one knee and I stopped him. “Yes!” I said through my tears. “Yes.”
“Yay!” Bailey shrieked and hugged my leg. Danny smirked at me, like he knew I would say yes, and Rudd slipped the silver band with three diamonds on my finger. The large diamond in the middle was clear. The two smaller ones on each side were colored, one purple and one green. Bailey pulled my hand down and pointed to the purple one. “That’s mine.” She pointed at the green one and said, “That’s Danny’s. Pretty cool isn’t it!”
I picked her up, hugged her, and mouthed thank you to Rudd over her shoulder. He gave me a kiss on the forehead and Danny looked away. However, he was still smiling.
I cried happy tears as we all backed into the house. This was what life was all about, living it, taking chances, and making the most of our time.
***
A week later, early on Saturday morning, I was baking cookies for Madi’s party. The past week flew by in a blur, but I had all the wedding plans ready. He said we could get married in a day, or married in a year, he didn’t mind. I was hoping my parents would show up sooner than later, because I really felt like they should be part of my day. I stopped worrying about their opinions and if I was doing the right thing, because this was my life. They told me to live it and I was.
“Adalyn Anderson!” Bailey yelled up the stairs, her feet slamming on the steps as she ran up them. “Madi and I are here!”
I put the lid on the last container of cookies and washed my hands. “I’m almost done,” I told them, grabbing a rag to dry my hands off.
“Good, because I brought gifts,” Madi said holding two bags, which Bailey was staring at with a curious look on her face. Madi was wearing a new dress; one I haven’t yet seen. This one was a sundress, soft flowing, and long with spaghetti straps. It was red, with blue and white lines that made up a crisscross pattern around the bottom were it fell on her feet.
“Gifts?”
“For you ladies,” she handed Bailey a bag, and then gave me mine, “from me.”
Bailey tore hers open and found a white dress with the same pattern as Madi’s, but her colors were opposite, red and blue. I opened my bag and had the same dress, but again with alternating colors. My dress was blue, with white and red lines in my design. We were each wearing red, white, and blue, yet they were all different.
“Oh my God, Madi Reese Buckle, we match!” Bailey threw herself at Madi, hugging her legs, then quickly ripped her shirt and shorts off to slip the dress on. It fit perfectly. She twirled around in a circle. ‘I’m never taking it off,” she said softly, still admiring her dress.
“Your turn,” Madi told me, and I went to my room and slipped it on.
“These are kind of awesome,” I told her, catching her eye in the mirror.
“Duh, it’s because I’m kind of awesome.”
“Kind of?” I turned around and walked to her. “You are totally awesome.” I gave her a quick hug, and then we all grabbed food and bags for the party and made our way downstairs to gather up Rudd and Danny and head to Madi’s house.
We followed Madi to her house, where Rudd dropped us off and helped us set up the decorations before we left for City Park. Most of the activities were held there, and Madi told everyone to come back to her place for dinner and fireworks in her backyard. She had a clear view of where they were shooting them off.
I was with Danny and Bailey playing a few kid games that they had set up, while Rudd was talking to Scott, not far from us. Sometimes I could see him through the crowd, and other times I couldn’t. It was packed. Kids were running around screaming, with frazzled parents chasing after them, and there was a band playing on the other side of the park. There was a tent with ponies and horses for people to pet and ride, and I saw the way the kids’ eyes lit up when they saw it, I knew they wanted to ride the horses. Well, Bailey did. Even though Danny said no, he might change his mind once we go there.
I need to use the rest room, so I brought the kids back to Rudd after Bailey had won a yellow stuff duck at one of the games. It was as big as she was, so I had to carry it for her. I said hi to Scott and Rudd gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before I took off. I wasn’t sure where Madi had disappeared to, and I had left my cell phone at her house on the table. At least, I think it was on the table. No one calls me except for the people that I was currently with, so I forget I have it sometimes.
I was surprised when I didn’t see a line of women waiting to use the restroom. It was a brick building and you just had to walk around the corner to see the stalls. I heard one toilet flush after I shut my door, and then took care of business.
I want paying attention, and when I turned around from the sink, I ran into someone’s chest. A man’s chest. For a split second, I thought I was in the wrong room. “I’m sorry,” I muttered and tried to move around him. He moved and cut me off. Looking up at him, I swallowed. His hard features and square jaw added to the intensity of the scar running down his face. I was terrified. I could feel the anger that poured off him as he glared at me with dark brown eyes that were almost black. I had never seen him before. He had his head shaved, a piercing in one ear, and some kind of tattoo on the side of his neck that was partially covered by his black shirt.
“What are-”
“Shut the fuck up,” he said slowly. I felt something push into my belly and I looked down to see his hand around a black gun. “You’re coming with me.”
My entire body was stuck, feet glued to the floor. Rudd always carried a gun, but when one is pointed at you and there’s a finger on the trigger, then you’re not comfortable with them.
“You make a fucking sound, and I’ll shoot you in front of those two kids of yours.”
He moved behind me, shoved the gun in my back, and pushed me forward. My body went into autopilot and I did as I was told. He was probably going to kill me anyway, but at least it wasn’t in front of our kids. I very carefully slid my hand up, grabbed my necklace, and tucked it into my dress. Just feeling the metal against my chest reminded me of how I was loved and how much I appreciated my parents, and everything they did for me.
He walked so clo
se to my side that no one would be able to see the gun. I was terrified. He walked me out behind the bathrooms and into the trees.
No one saw us leave.
Chapter 22
Archer had been talking to Scott about returning to work. His shoulder was healing well and he hadn’t worn his sling in two days. Most importantly, he missed his job. It would just be part time and light duty, but it was a good way to ease back into work. Scott took off to check in with Margie, while Archer waited for Adalyn. He wasn’t sure how long she’d been gone, but it felt like forever. He glanced around a few times, looking towards the bathrooms, but there were so many people walking around that he didn’t have a clear view.
“Hey guys,” Madi said joining them, with an armful of miscellaneous bags. “Where’s Adalyn?”
“Bathroom.”
“Good, I was headed that way so I’ll bring her back,” she said with a smile and took off before Archer could get a word in. Ten minutes later, she was back. Alone.
“She wasn’t in there,” she said looking up at Archer. “There wasn’t even a line.”
Archer pulled his phone out, and noticed he had ten missed called from Ian. Panic erupted and spread through him like wildfire. A curse escaped his lips without realizing.
“What’s wrong?” Bailey asked while still eating her ice cream.
“Madi, can you take the kids back to your house.”
Worry washed over her face. “Why? What’s going on, Archer?”
“Please, just take the kids and don’t let them out of your sight.”
“Okay,” she said adjusting her bags. “Don’t’ forget to call me.”
“You have my kids.”
“Right.” She looked at Danny and then Bailey. “Let’s go finish decorating the house.”
Archer saw Danny roll his eyes and Bailey grabbed one of Madi’s hands, still very focused on eating her ice cream. He watched them walk away, still gripping his cell phone until he could no longer see them.