by Kira Barker
“Remind me again why I put up with you?”
His smile widened, but instead of a verbal answer, he leaned into me, his lips seeking mine.
Right. That was why.
The ride to the lake was uneventful, but in a relaxing, zen kind of way. It was hot enough that I only wore panties, a bra, and a tank top under my heavy jacket and jeans, and I’d be surprised if Jack wasn’t going commando. That thought kept me entertained the entire time until we got there. Sadly, there were a few too many people at our destination to find out and make good use of whatever result I found myself presented with, but the brief walk from where we left the bike to the forested edge of the water was enough to make stripping so I could cool off in the lake a greater priority than sexual gratification.
Unlike that time at the other lake Jack had been talking about, I hadn’t bothered with bringing anything but my bikini now. Not that I’d lost any weight since then, but somehow just being here with Jack left me feeling completely at ease, with not an ounce of self-consciousness left. It hadn’t always been like this—not even a few weeks ago—but the time we’d spent since then had alleviated a lot of my more ridiculous fears. Not that anyone stared at us, but if they had, I would likely have completely disappeared next to the figure he struck as he peeled his muscular, tattooed self out of his leathers.
And not for the first time that summer, I could admit to myself that I’d really hit the jackpot as far as luck went in the hunk department.
Of course, the actual undressing was more hopping and cursing as sweat-soaked fabric clung to overheated skin rather than a strip-tease, but in its own way that was even better, particularly as I was quick enough to shirk my own, far less restrictive clothes and had front-row seats in watching the spectacle. By the time Jack had managed to get rid of his gear in favor of his swimming trunks, I was pretty much wheezing with laughter, which made him first glare at me, then pick me up and carry me to the water’s edge. And because I clung to him like a deranged koala, he jumped with me into the lake.
The water wasn’t particularly deep, but deep enough that the maneuver didn’t end in sprained ankles. After the initial shock, it was practically cozy, and as soon as Jack let go of me, I kicked away from him, letting myself drift farther away from the shore. A short distance from us, I watched a kid complain to his mother about why we were obviously allowed to jump in while he wasn’t, making me remember similar fights we’d both always had with our parents. Sometimes, being grown up was just the perfect excuse.
Jack quickly pulled even with me, but contrary to his wide grin when I glared at him in warning, he didn’t try to dunk me under. I didn’t allow myself to fully relax at first, but he seemed content enough to just soak in the warm water and sunshine, so I did the same. Much better than staying cooped up at home, I had to give him that.
Eventually, we made it back to our discarded pack, and after spending a sinful amount of time applying sunscreen to each other’s bodies and trying not to turn it into a public spectacle, I finally got my much-deserved rest. After having let the sun dry us, we’d retreated under the trees where it was still warm, but a slight cool breeze made curling up positively amazing. While Jack got out his tablet, I cushioned my head on my arms and let myself drift off, vaguely aware of his body close and warm next to mine.
I woke up some time later, a sliver of sunshine tickling my face. Turning my head to the side, I saw Jack still beside me, lying on his back, oblivious to the world except for the book he was reading. He’d clearly not noticed that I was back in the land of the living, or at least somewhat aware of my surroundings. The sunbeam that had woken me up was making the highlights in his blond hair and the light stubble across his jaw glint, softening contours and making him look a good ten years younger than he was. I couldn’t help but smile; I remembered that time well enough, just after college, and thinking back now, I felt that vague sense of melancholy resurfacing.
Thinking back over the events of the past weeks, I couldn’t help but cringe a little inside. I’d blurted out so many things that I hadn’t even realized were true until they’d left my lips, and they should have built walls between us and burned bridges. Yet, lying here next to him, studying him, I’d never felt this close, pretty much since the day I had realized that I wasn’t the kind of girl he liked. Liked liked. Or thought I did, I had to amend now. The fact that, of the two of us, I’d clearly been the one more easily swayed by superficial things hurt on a level that made my skin crawl.
In many ways, embarking on my journey to embrace my submissive side with Simon had changed me—but confronting all the things that had happened between Jack and me made me look at myself in an entirely different way, and I had to admit that I didn’t particularly like what I was seeing. Typical teenage-angst-fueled insecurities aside, I had always been so sure that I was better than any of the floozies Jack had been fooling around with, but I’d barely taken the time to talk to a single one of them.
Maybe that waitress only went around with the top four buttons on her blouse popped because she really needed the tips to put herself through college. Or that bottle-blonde Barbie doll wasn’t all over him because he clearly liked his ladies pretty and easy, but because he was actually a really charming guy and managed to bring out the best in people. And even if they’d all been just shallow and out for a quick lay, who was I to criticize their choices? Had mine really been better? Study until my brain was fried rather than take a break once in a while to hang out and meet new people? Work myself to the bone until my circle of friends had shrunk to the few people who somehow felt obliged to keep checking in with me, or were genuinely concerned about me? So what if I finally had the job where I could do what I’d always felt I’d been born for—I’d always be one budget cut or grave error away from losing it. And what then?
“You know, if you keep frowning like that, those lines will remain etched into your forehead,” Jack murmured, still focused on his tablet, although he’d obviously been studying me for a while. “Not that the small laugh lines at your eyes make you any less attractive, but pretty much the only frown I want to see on your face is that weird grimace you sometimes make just before you come.”
As he’d intended, his words made me snort.
“How exactly did you manage to get so many women to fall for you? Because that charm of yours really is overrated.”
His lips quirked up into a smile, and he sent me a sidelong look.
“Probably because to them I was much nicer.”
“So what’s with the special treatment for me? Don’t I deserve nice?”
Turning the screen off, he put the tablet away, then rolled over until he was fully facing me, our knees bumping against each another briefly.
“You get naughty because that’s what you actually get off on,” he teased, but from his tone, I could tell that he wasn’t just joking. “You’ll probably hit me for this, but with you, I don’t have to try. I can just be myself, in all my immature, offensive glory.”
When I just kept looking back at him without even a hint of threatening physical altercations, he reached over and pulled me close, his warm hand remaining a steady weight across my waist and lower back.
“So that charm of yours was all a game? Just pretense?”
He shrugged, a hint of unease quickly crossing his face. “I wouldn’t go that far. I also wouldn’t say that the hordes were ‘falling for me.’” He crinkled up his nose at the silent air quotes.
“In high school they were,” I scoffed. “Scores of them. Heard them often enough in the locker room or outside the bathroom stalls.”
“Ah, high school girls.” Jack sighed, which quickly turned into an “oomph” sound when I poked him hard in the ribs. The faraway look in his eyes disappeared as he flashed me a grin and focused on me again. “Stop that. I really wouldn’t want to screw one of them, let alone hang out with them anymore.”
“You don’t? Who wouldn’t?”
I got a rather toothy non-smile in r
eturn. “I just told you I’m sick and tired of pretending to be someone I’m not, and you pretty much shove the situation where I could be the least natural version of myself in my face? Come on, you know me better than that.”
“But perky girls you could easily impress with pretty much anything? What’s not to love?” I asked.
“Maybe I love the challenge, ever thought of that?” he replied, leaning in to run his nose over my jaw, then up until he could lightly brush his lips against mine. I sighed happily, but before I could turn it into a real kiss, he pulled away, grinning once more.
“You’re such a tease!”
“And you love it,” he pointed out.
“Actually, what I love the most about you is that you’re not. You’re one of the most straightforward guys I know. When you’re not oozing that sleazy something you think of as your charm all over every available female present.”
We were clearly back on usual banter territory because now he just smiled.
“And how does that make you feel that now you’re the only one I take home?” I didn’t give him the satisfaction of replying to that, but my answering smile was probably enough.
Craning my neck, I looked around, checking how close the next group of people was. Certainly out of earshot, if not much farther, although the crowd was thinning already, now that the shadows were lengthening rapidly as the sun was sinking toward the horizon.
Looking back to Jack, I found him still studying my face.
“Do you ever think that we wasted the past decade? We could have easily gotten where we are now straight out of college, or maybe even sooner.”
He gave a noncommittal grunt that surprised me.
“And where would that have left us?” he asked. “You were so focused on medical school that you were walking over corpses even on your good days. I still believed that I had something to prove, and the number of girls I fucked was the answer. And Simon was barely getting his groove on and still completely lost in the emotional roller coaster of coming to terms with his needs and desires. Seriously, it would have been an even more monumental clusterfuck than we’ve produced now that we’re all wise and old and settled in our ways.”
There was enough teasing in his voice that I could have ignored his statement, but I didn’t very often get a chance like this, so I just had to take it.
“It was that bad for him? I mean, I can see where he can easily get lost in his own drama, but he didn’t really seem unsettled to me back then.”
“Do you even remember anything from those years that’s not textbook knowledge?” Jack asked.
“I had a few labs, too,” I replied, but he had a point.
“Besides, I think Simon would have rather died than let you in on what was going on.”
Now that surprised me. “Why?”
Jack shrugged. “It’s not like he had a crush on you, or something; not that I can say for sure, but I don’t think he did. But even back then you were someone he took seriously and at least kind of admired, and he wouldn’t have wanted for you to see him like that. All that confidence he’s rocking now, particularly about all the kink stuff? That’s acquired, not innate. I walked in on him more than once, sitting in the dark, hunched over, face in his hands, asking himself what he was doing and why. Wasn’t pretty.”
I really had a hard time reconciling that with the Simon I knew now, and had thought I’d known then.
“Don’t look so stricken. It wasn’t that bad,” Jack teased. “He just knew that with me, he didn’t have to pretend, so he could let his guard down. Can’t say it didn’t make me feel glad sometimes that I was straight as fuck and as vanilla as they come.”
His self-deprecating smile was a thing of true beauty, making me grin in turn.
“At least he had you,” I pointed out, then snorted. “Speaking of which, how are you dealing with the fact that’s not something you can say with a straight face anymore?”
He grimaced, but didn’t look really worried, nor tormented.
“I’m dealing with it. Honestly, the biggest change is having your ass parked in my kitchen, drinking shamelessly from every bottle that you can get your germ-ridden, grubby paws on. The milk spoiled last week, just saying.”
“It was already going bad when I had some,” I pointed out, but couldn’t help feeling just a little chastised. “But you’re sidetracking the conversation.”
Flipping onto his back—which meant that his hand slid away from my side, which I really didn’t like—Jack stretched, staring up into the blue sky above us.
“I don’t know what to say. I’m still not really sure where I fall in the entire spectrum. Girls, boys, and everything in between, you know?” I nodded. “Simon is still pretty much the only guy who does it for me. But what’s funny is that my tunnel vision is getting worse where tits are involved, too.”
“Now you’re lying,” I accused.
His answering smile was a lot softer than I’d expected it to be.
“No, I swear, I’m not making this shit up. It’s kind of disconcerting, really. Sure, I still like to look, and I doubt that will change any time soon, if ever. But then she laughs and it’s too nice, or she says something truly insipid that makes me think how you’d roll your eyes at that or do that unnerved huffing thing you do—“
“I don’t huff!”
He chuckled.
“Oh, you do, and it’s so fucking cute that I shouldn’t have admitted that because now you’ll try not to do it anymore. But seriously, I see some girl and, of course, I think she’s hot, but she’s not you, so why should I find her particularly interesting?”
“Because you are as close to the stereotypical manwhore as it gets?” I supposed.
“So what?” He shrugged, fully owning that insult. “Yes, I loved to play the field. Loved, past tense. And sometimes, I’m still a little tempted, but really, then I remember how much work it is and how it seldom really pays off, and I’d rather go home and snuggle with you on the couch. Or sneak up behind you and run my fingers down your side to make you jump and shriek. Or push you against the hallway wall and make you come over and over again…”
“Once. You made me come once,” I corrected.
“Yeah, in like two minutes. That takes skill, you have to give me that,” he demanded.
“Or a roommate who got a little too frisky with that damn magic wand.”
Jack laughed softly under his breath.
“I’m kind of annoyed that I missed that. Would have loved to watch you lose it over and over again.”
I really didn’t know how that made me feel, and just the fact that it still made me even slightly uncomfortable kind of dampened my mood.
“Jack—“
He shushed me with a finger against my lips before I could get any farther.
“I know. That’s between you and him, and unless I’m explicitly invited, it’s not my place to ask. Just thought I should tell you that the idea of doing that to you is a turn-on for me. That’s what you want to hear, isn’t it? That I’m not against everything you do up there?”
He was somewhat right there, but he was also oversimplifying the issue.
“It’s not that easy.”
“Of course it isn’t,” he agreed, continuing to speak softly. “I know I really screwed up there. Made you damn uncomfortable about something where I should have been supportive. And I’m aware what a damn hypocrite that makes me because I was always there for Simon whenever he needed to hash things out, and I never judged him for it, which was why he felt comfortable talking to me. I’m sorry.”
“No need to apologize,” I assured him, but it was nice to hear him admit that. Great, even. Not enough to instantly cure my churning stomach, but it helped somewhat.
The moment got a little uncomfortable, and I figured, what the hell—we were already talking about the things we didn’t necessarily want to talk about, so I might as well go ahead with my mission there.
“Last week you said you weren’t sure how to
make things between you and Simon run more smoothly? Any progress there?”
Jack gave a sound that could have meant anything.
“We didn’t really have a huge blow-up since then, but that might just have been coincidence. Until I got home the night before he left, I thought he’d calmed down a bit now that you’re getting your kinky groove back on, but that didn’t really look like it.”
“Was he that distraught?” I really had a hard time picturing that.
“It’s hard to explain. Yes, and no. I think frustrated was more like it. And when I came in and he saw me, he looked at me as if I’d just made it ten times worse by walking in on him like that, or my general presence was the issue, I don’t know. Probably that, considering what we talked about after he left the next morning. I think right now I just can’t do right because I’m making you uncomfortable, and that, in turn, incurs his wrath like nothing else. Kind of funny, considering that I’m the one who should, by all means, have the right to get protective of you when he keeps on tearing out your heart and eats it for breakfast.”
That was a little more candor than I would have preferred, but we were trying to cut to the chase, so it was probably fair that he didn’t just keep all the blame to himself.
Looking away for a moment, I waited until the worst of the pain inside my chest had subsided before I glanced back at Jack. Of course, he was studying me intently now, drinking in my every fucked-up emotion.
“Trust me, if it was as easy as deciding who I get all gooey-eyed for, it would be just you.”
It took me a moment to realize the slip of my tongue and why he was suddenly grinning at me.
“‘Just’ me, huh?” he gloated, because Jack, being Jack, just couldn’t let that slide.
I heaved a sigh, but it sounded so fake that even I had to laugh about it, then let it subside into a smile.
“Heard that, did you?”