Tied Between

by Kira Barker

  “Running again? Very mature, Erin, so very mature of you.”

  And then I was out, the cooler evening air hitting my face as I speed-walked toward the train station, telling myself that no, I wasn’t running. Not at all.

  Chapter 20

  As I walked through the streets of the city, I couldn’t help but think that it really took being surrounded by millions of people to realize just how fucking alone you could be. Or I was, at least.

  I briefly considered calling Kara, but it was Friday evening, and I knew that she’d either spend it with her family, or was out and about with her boyfriend. As much as I would have loved to get drunk and weep my heart out with her, I didn’t want to tear her away from what was likely a damn more worthwhile evening. Besides, the last thing I needed right now was anyone outright rejecting me—even indirectly by not answering her phone—so I didn’t even try to call her.

  That left me with few other options. I hadn’t talked to Marcy in weeks, and briefly wondered if that should have made me more concerned about her well-being, or less. I had a few other friends that might have been up for drinks, but none of them qualified for telling them even a little about what distressed me. Colleagues from the various hospitals I’d been working at even less.

  One really is the loneliest number. And self-pity wasn’t anything I dealt with particularly well.

  What depressed me even more was that I didn’t even have the phone number of a single guy in my contact list that I could have had rebound sex with, had I wanted to, which I didn’t. But the fact that there wasn’t anyone out there who I might have hooked up with to just forget all my problems for an hour or two was even more depressing than the knowledge that this—like so many other things about my life that I hated right now—was my own fault.

  Then I looked up and found myself standing in front of a bright pink neon sign, making me double check the street and the shop it belonged to before I shook my head, laughing softly to myself. Yeah, over an hour of aimlessly wandering around and getting on and off three trains and one—or had that been two?—busses, and I found myself at the one place where I could actually talk to someone who might understand what was really troubling me right now. Unless, of course, I’d find Beth biased against me on principle for being the one of us she knew the least.

  Just peachy.

  I didn’t hesitate but instead went inside before I could talk myself out of it altogether.

  Unlike my first visit, I didn’t spend any time in the actual store section, but walked straight through the aisles to the café in the back. It seemed appropriate that before I hadn’t noticed that they had an honest-to-God bar, but that’s where I was headed now. The guy manning the station couldn’t have been much beyond twenty, and I realized with an abundance of mirth that I only noticed that he was kind of attractive after a woman who just vacated the only taken bar stool was smiling coyly at him.

  I was in so much trouble, and right now I really didn’t know how to get myself out of it.

  I took a seat and waited for the guy to notice me, but before he could do more than smile in my general direction, a familiar figure shooed him off to one of the tables before she directed her usual bright but also kind of sinister smile at me.

  “Erin. So nice to see you here.”

  “Beth,” I acknowledged, then looked from her imploring gaze to the bottles behind the bar. “Any chance I can get something here that’s stronger than an espresso?”

  She pursed her lips and actually waited until I was looking at her again before she replied.

  “I could whip you up a double espresso, if you want. The dark circles under your eyes make me wonder if caffeine is actually something you need, and the haunted look keeps you squarely away from the hard liquor.”

  I didn’t fight the wry grin that came to my face. “Ah, I see. Same as you wouldn’t sell a monster dildo to a virgin?”

  “My shop, my rules,” she replied, shrugging slightly. “But unlike said virgin, nothing you could say would make me change my mind. Just because she hasn’t been laid doesn’t mean she’s not curiously ambitious.”

  “‘She,’ huh?” I asked, feeling like Beth had already answered my inquiry.

  “Simon and I talk, you know that,” she replied, then leaned closer. “But not very recently, and judging from the fact that you turned up on my doorstep tonight, you’re likely relieved about that.”

  Leaning back, I exhaled slowly, then looked around, but it wasn’t like anyone was close enough to listen in on us—and I really didn’t care. After Simon’s little reveal to one of the few people I really couldn’t care less about, letting random strangers know a little too much about my private life didn’t really seem like that big of a deal anymore.

  “We kind of had the colossal fight of all colossal fights that we’ve ever had.”

  “Figured as much. You seem rattled. Not just flustered like when I teased you about your dismissal of my many excellent wares that I have for sale, but actually, bone-deep shaken. And that you weren’t just bickering with Jack is obvious.”

  “It is?” I asked, genuinely surprised, before I remembered her hint that she probably knew pretty much all there was to know from Simon already.

  “Let’s phrase it like this. I don’t doubt that you and Jack can have the most stupid, explosive fights where one or both of you storm off and throw tantrums and whatnot. But that would have left you agitated and angry, ready to rant about him to random strangers on the street corner. That’s not what I glean from you now. And you know that this won’t just blow over in a day or two if you keep ignoring it, or hope that it will resolve itself.”

  “So I’m fucked?”

  “Pretty much,” she agreed, then produced a bottle of fizzy water from somewhere and sat it down before me. “But unless you’ve killed him and already dumped the body, I’m sure there’s a way to still fix things. You wouldn’t be here to ask my advice if you thought everything was beyond saving.”

  Said like that, I was only too happy to agree with her, even if my heart seized in the most uncomfortable way.

  “Shit just hit the fan. Again. Just not like last time. This time we didn’t really have a build-up.”

  “And that I don’t believe,” she replied knowingly.

  I thought about that for a moment as I took a sip from the bottle. “Okay, of course there was some build-up, but not like that. I mean, there’s always something not running a hundred percent smoothly. But when I came home from work tonight, I thought that the only thing I had to fret about was how my family would react to the wonderful news that I’ve officially ditched spinsterhood. Now that seems like pretty much the last thing I even think about.”

  “That’s something, at least,” Beth replied, flashing me a quick grin. “So why don’t you tell me what happened after that? Unless you know already what the real issue is, but if you did, you likely wouldn’t be here, seeking my sage advice.”

  There wasn’t really all that much to tell.

  “I was a little upset after my father pretty much ignored that I told him we’re a thing now, and it kind of seemed like a good idea to work off some steam in the attic.” Beth raised one finger, making me halt in my recount. “What’s that about?”

  “I’m silently counting all the stupid mistakes you’ve made tonight so far.”

  That made me snort, but when she just waited, I went on. “Jack asked if he could come along.” I waited for a second finger to join the first, but when it didn’t, I continued. “He said he wanted to explore his submissive side, but I don’t think he was really fooling anyone with that.” Now that finger went up. “Simon even told him that at the beginning, but that didn’t stop him.” Another finger, a little to my surprise. “I guess I felt kind of neglected then“—two fingers, actually, making her ready her other hand—“and when I realized that our scene was really doing nothing for me, I left.” Two more fingers, this time making me scowl. “I used my safeword.” She wriggled her forefinger at me,
but it remained up, making me heave a dramatic sigh, but force myself on. “And when Simon and I were hurling insults up and down the stairs, I might have said a choice something I really shouldn’t have.”

  Strangely, that didn’t earn me another strike, but she didn’t let that one go. “What was it?”

  Sighing, I looked away, guilt making my stomach sink further. “I might have threatened him with the fact that, if pressed, Jack would stick with me if we split up, and he should be happy I tolerate him to be around for a while longer?”

  There was less judgment in Beth’s gaze than I expected, but that actually made me feel worse. If she’d gotten in my face, my defensiveness could have acted as a buffer, but lacking that, I was left with just my raw misgivings at myself.

  “I take it he didn’t react well to that?”

  I shook my head. “No, but I wasn’t really much better. I stormed off and showered, and only when I was out of the bathroom did he follow. He slammed some doors and acted all around pissed off and offended. Oh, and then his fucking publicist dropped by, and he not only told her that the three of us are a thing, but that we get it on in front of a bunch of like-minded people in your downstairs.”

  Beth briefly looked at her fingers, then abandoned her counting and instead leaned against the bar, her arms crossed under her breasts.

  “And that’s when you left, I presume?”

  “Yup.”

  “I see,” she said, considering for a moment. “And Jack?”

  “He only got a collateral swipe from me, and he seemed more annoyed at both of us than actually concerned.”

  “Something, at least,” she surmised.

  “So you give him a free pass although he was the catalyst for this, kind of?”

  Beth’s snort was clearly derisive. “You don’t really blame the gasoline that you ignite when you burn down the house around you, right?”

  “He’s not innocent,” I insisted.

  “But neither is he guilty,” she replied. “But then it’s seldom as simple as people in glasshouses not throwing stones.”

  I didn’t know what to make of that.

  “Anyway, that’s what happened. And now I don’t really know what to do. Go home, eventually, because, oh, joy, in…“ I checked my watch “…seven hours from now we have to pile into a car and drive home to my folks who seem really happy about the update of my relationship status, if they even know about it. Not exactly the kind of situation I want to head into with Simon pissed as fuck.” It occurred to me that, just maybe, if he was too angry at me he might just stay behind, but that changed absolutely nothing. And giving him a day or two to stew on his own sounded like the worst possible alternative.

  “No, I agree, you should sort things out first. Anything but showing a solid, united front to those who already doubt you will end in even more doubt,” Beth replied. “So tell me, your wonderful play-by-play aside, what is the real problem?”

  “Uhm, isn’t that obvious?” I hedged.

  “Not to me, and clearly not to you, either,” she pointed out. “You don’t need my little counting game there to know that you both made mistakes and they piled up atop one another, but that’s not the real issue, just the conclusion. Any ideas?”

  I thought about that, but even polishing off my drink didn’t help. “I wish I knew. I mean, things are rocky between us, but—“

  “But what?”

  I sighed. “But not bad enough to completely unbalance us both like that.”

  “Like what?” she asked.

  “I don’t know. Several things. Small things, mostly.”

  “Name them,” she prodded, not letting me off the hook.

  “Well,” I started, racking my brain for some kind of order, but there was really no sense to it. Holding anything back also didn’t seem like the smartest idea. “I sometimes get upset when I get emotional about the fact that he doesn’t love me.” I expected her to add something to that, but she just motioned me to go on. “Then there’s the fact that he’s generally acting like a spurned drama queen to Jack. Sometimes I even think he doesn’t want to move on and forgive him, because that would rob him of his main reason to be grumpy. Besides mornings, you know.”

  “Not exactly healthy behavior, but that’s between the guys. That’s not your problem.”

  I wanted to protest, but had to admit that she was right. So far I’d only negatively contributed to that, and it would have been a lot better if I’d kept my trap shut.

  “Not sure what else I could say.”

  Beth fixed me with a harder look that made me reconsider her generally neutral attitude.

  “What about your scene tonight? You said you were bored? That it didn’t do anything for you?”

  I nodded. “Kind of.”

  “Why?”

  That was not the question I expected. “What do you mean, why? I just was.”

  “But there must have been a deeper reason for that. At least at the party you seemed like boredom was the furthest thing from your mind.”

  “Yeah, maybe because then I wasn’t the neglected third wheel?” I suggested.

  “Ah,” was all Beth said, as if that should have told me something. And it kind of did.

  “So that’s the answer? I’m only happy when the entire world revolves around me? I know that I can be pretty self-centered, but I’m not that much of an idiot. And it’s never been a problem before. I sometimes just watch the guys get it on. What’s not to love about some live-action porn right in front of me?”

  “And that’s been the one and only time that ever happened?” she asked.

  I was already nodding, my mouth open to reply, when I remembered that night after the party, making my jaws snap shut again.

  “Ah,” Beth repeated, a knowing look coming to her face. “So it really wasn’t.”

  “But that was different,” I protested, if feebly.

  “How so?”

  “We weren’t in the playroom, for one. Not even playing at all.”

  “And still your mind made the connection. Maybe if you tell me what happened, then you can find the common element?”

  I didn’t even need that. “It’s foolish, really.”

  “If it’s important enough to drive you insane, it’s anything but,” she chided me gently.

  Exhaling loudly, I glared down at the bar before I made myself look at her again. “I seem to be having a problem with the fact that when I’m in the mood for him to take control but he doesn’t, I kind of, well, freak out?”

  “And there you have it,” she agreed, even adding a warm smile.

  Not that that did me any good. “But this is completely ridiculous!”

  Beth was quick to dismiss my protest. “Anything, and I mean really anything, in kink that upsets anyone is a huge concern. It has to be addressed, and it has to be dealt with. Trust me, just being a little attention whore really isn’t that big of a deal.”

  “But it’s—“

  “What? Childish? Immature?” she proposed.

  “Well, yeah,” I admitted, hating how that sounded. No, how that made me sound.

  Beth thought about it for a moment, then leaned closer, as if she was about to confide something to me that no one else should know.

  “Anything that upsets you is important. Why isn’t. Just that it does. And the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can move on and defuse that bomb.”

  “But—“

  “Oh, will you shut up?” She chuckled, but quickly reined in her mirth again. “Look, people have issues for all kinds of reasons. Often without even a concrete reason but rather some diffuse, abstract, weird as fuck and impossible to decipher reason that has a million triggers and is almost impossible to avoid. You have issues, I fully agree with you on that, but all those are issues that you can tackle and resolve.”

  The need to protest still burned on my tongue, but I waited until she had finished explaining before I spoke up myself.

  “It can’t be as easy as that.”


  Her answering shrug was rather nonplussed. “A lot of the most spectacular blowups have very simple reasons. Admittedly, I don’t know too much about the finer points of the balance between you and Simon, but from what he told me and what I saw myself, it makes sense.”

  Mostly to humor her, I decided to play along. “Why?”

  She grinned as she realized that now I’d turned the tables on her.

  “Easy. Just consider, when did you two feel most in sync with each other? What were the moments when you didn’t doubt that being his sub is the best thing that ever happened to you? When you actually didn’t think at all?”

  Phrased like that, the answer wasn’t hard to come by. “When he really got under my skin and pretty much turned me inside out.”

  “And how did he accomplish that?”

  I paused, mostly because I needed a moment to let the realization settle deep into my mind.

  “When he was most in control of me, and I felt like I was at the complete center of his attention.”

  “And there you have it,” she agreed.

  And, really, it was true. The first time I’d felt that was that night when I begged him to pretty much break me so my mind would quiet down. And then again at the play party. The scene with the magic wand had come pretty close.

  Only then I remembered what had come after, each and every time, and that made the flare of hope inside of me sputter out completely.

  “I crash. Always, after that. Either I’m just feeling weird, or terribly self-conscious. I need to be alone, and I can’t stand to have him there, supporting me. That doesn’t feel particularly healthy.”

  Beth didn’t look concerned by that admission.