by Kira Barker
“Can you really fault me? And please, hear me out before you answer that.” I waited for his grudging nod before I went on. “This isn’t easy for me. Living together with you guys, I mean. It’s so much more complicated than anything I’ve ever done in my life. It’s great, don’t get me wrong, but somehow, I have to always be ‘on.’ I never get any downtime, never get to be just on my own. I’m either working, sleeping, or having to deal with you.”
“A tremendous burden, obviously,” he interjected.
I was tempted to flare up in his face for that, but forced myself not to. “Sometimes, it is. And there’s always the uncertainty remaining. Will what I do with you be something that makes Jack feel excluded? How do I actually feel about the fact that you get to spend so much more time with each other than I get to spend with you both? Now there’s obviously the issue of how much we really piss you off when we’re joking around? Will we ever move past our issues? Will things ever just quiet down and smooth out? Can it all work? Do I even want it to?”
That last thing hurt, and clearly not just me, and I quickly pushed on before this could get even worse.
“The answer to that last question I have, at least. Yes. I do want to make us work. Us on all levels, in all the little parts that make up a whole. But of course there are days when I’m just annoyed, or sick and tired of having to compromise and tread around one point or another carefully. Sometimes, I just want to say, ‘screw it all!’ and watch the world burn. I know that you know exactly what I’m talking about, because right now that’s what you’re doing.”
“If that’s supposed to be an apology, you’re really screwing it up right now,” Simon let me know.
“It’s an explanation.”
We stared at each other for a few seconds, and it felt like a small victory when he sighed and wrenched his fingers through his hair, then looked away from me.
“Pot, kettle, I get it. But you’re not making it easy for me to get down off my high horse, you know?”
I would have loved to smile at that, but a shrug was all I could offer him. “I don’t think it’s supposed to be easy. But admittance is the first step to getting things to work out, right?”
Simon thought about that some more, then caught my gaze again. Some of the tension had leaked out of him, but it was still obvious that, if not plain pissed off, he was still frustrated as hell.
“Maybe. But that doesn’t really change anything, does it?” he said, then added with a heavy sigh, “You know, I have been thinking.”
“That doesn’t sound good,” I admitted, feeling my throat close down.
Simon held my gaze for a moment longer, then studied his fingers instead. “I was wondering if we shouldn’t put the playroom on ice for a while. Not because of what happened tonight. I’m sure you have a perfectly good explanation for that, but—“
“No,” I whispered, feeling my heart sink even further.
Briefly glancing up, he looked away almost immediately again.
“No explanation? Doesn’t really sound like you. You never do anything without believing that you’re a hundred percent justified in your conviction, idiotic as it might be.”
“You can’t just give up on me,” I pressed out, my voice failing. Where did that even come from? And how was that the solution he came up with, right after I… still hadn’t shared my epiphany with him. But right now my mind was drawing a blank, panic chasing away the last remnants of sense, making it almost impossible to mount my explanation.
“Simon, please, don’t do this,” I started, then had to stop again. He waited patiently for me to go on, but not very long.
“Maybe we were just too ambitious, thinking we could have it all, right at the same time, who knows? Or we just don’t work out that way, I don’t know. But things have been rocky from the start, and with every little solution and compromise that we find, two new problems come up and—“
“No,” I said with a little more vehemence, still weak but gaining strength now. “I won’t let you quit on me.”
“You won’t let me?” he asked, a strange lilt coming to his voice.
“No,” I confirmed, then straightened, just letting the words come forth as they formed in my mind. Because that had worked so well earlier this evening. “I know that I am not easy to deal with as a sub. And that’s not me being insecure or some shit, that’s the honest truth. I’m sure that many guys would have already given up on me, but you’re not just any guy.”
“I’m not?” he questioned, and I wasn’t sure if that was meant teasingly or not.
“No, you’re not. You may accuse me of being stubborn and competitive, but you’re just as bad as I am, if not worse.”
“You have such a way with words…”
My momentary glare shut him up.
“Yeah, so what, but then I don’t earn a living with my mouth. What I’m saying is that I think I’m exactly what you need, the same as you are what I need.”
“As today proved so well—“
“Shut up,” I told him, louder now, gaining momentum. I was a little surprised that he did, but I could tell that he would only humor me for so long, and I was already straining his patience. “I talked to Beth earlier, and she helped me work out a few things. Things that I should likely have seen for myself, but, hey, I think it’s established that self-reflection isn’t really my thing. What happened today, and that one time before, or several, really, if you sum up all the times when my mind just short-circuited and made me freak out, even to a lesser extent, it’s all connected. And it makes sense.”
“Because this lifestyle just isn’t for you?” Simon offered when I had to pause to gather my thoughts anew. “And I don’t mean this in a demeaning or belittling way. Jack’s not even into half of the physical stuff you’re into, and that doesn’t make him a bad person. You clearly have your mental boundaries, and they’re a lot narrower than you believe. Sometimes—“
“You really need to stop interrupting this or we’ll get nowhere,” I ground out. “Don’t you see that the complete opposite is true? All my issues, they are because I want more, I need more, but whenever I get close to leaving my comfort zone, I freak because I’m afraid that I’m losing myself!”
That, at least, accomplished what my pleading before hadn’t, and pretty much left him mute, looking kind of flummoxed. I took a few calming breaths, then pushed away from the door but remained hovering at the foot of the bed.
“I know that my actions seem to contradict this. That I always push you away, that I need space—to breathe, to center myself, to feel like myself again. I don’t know why I’m doing that. Why I can’t just tell you what’s going on inside of me when my mind suddenly flips and does a one-eighty. Probably because it’s confusing as hell, and it took me months to make sense of anything. But it’s all right there, from the first little hiccup that we ran into right up to tonight. That I feel inadequate as a sub? Because I know I can do better. That I get off on you bending me to your will? That’s the perfect excuse to just let go and run with it. And that I backpedalled before our falling out was when it got too much of a habit, when some days I suddenly felt like I was waking up from a dream and didn’t recognize myself anymore. After the play party, I was so out of it that it took hours for that delayed reaction to come up, and it only felt like strange aftershocks of the usual, and I was likely more reluctant to let that state of not constantly warring with myself go. And tonight? Tonight it suddenly all came to a head when I felt like you were ignoring me and I was nothing to you and you didn’t need or want me, and…”
I had to end my endless, pressed out rambling there because I simply couldn’t go on, with everything out in the open. I could just stand there and look down at him, shaking slightly with emotion. Emotion and dread, that terrible feeling that now that I’d laid my soul bare and made myself so utterly vulnerable to him it would be so, so easy to just undo me with a choice remark, or plain rejection.
And as the seconds ticked by and we cont
inued to stare at each other, my stomach sank even further. I knew that I’d easily screwed up for good and my explanation came too late, or was too little to sway him. After all, he hadn’t just suggested that we call things off on a whim.
But then Simon sighed and shook his head, clearly not in negation but more to clear his thoughts. Then he offered me a weak, sad smile and opened his arms. “Come ‘ere.”
I practically launched myself at him, bumping my knee somewhat awfully on the bed frame, but I really didn’t care right then. He pulled me close, tucking me against his side, my cheek on his shoulder as his arms came around me. I leaned into him, breathing in his scent and warmth, already feeling the iron cage around my heart loosen as I tightened my arm across his midriff.
“Sometimes I think Jack is right when he says that we deserve each other,” Simon murmured into my hair, and I could feel his chest rise and fall as he exhaled with what could only be relief.
“Yeah, well,” I agreed and remained silent because it just felt so good to be back in his arms—where I belonged. Even if it was just a first step—we wouldn’t get anywhere if we didn’t start. Again. Right from square one.
“I can be such a stupid fool sometimes,” Simon admitted a little later, his hand still rubbing my upper back comfortingly.
“Yup. But you’re so not the only one.”
“Not sure if that’s a relief or just one more reason to stress out,” he replied, chuckling softly.
“So you’re not going to give up on me?” I asked, still not wanting to vacate my place to even look at his face.
“Of course not,” he murmured against my hair, then pressed the softest of kisses onto my temple. “Although, right now? I really don’t know where to pick up from.”
“Let’s not worry about that,” I suggested. “And you’re probably right, we need to do our homework before we should do anything else.”
“I’m always right,” he reminded me, and I could hear his smile in his words. “By definition, remember?”
“Like I care,” I grumbled, burrowing deeper into his shoulder, just content to be there. “You know, Beth kind of had a really good suggestion there.”
“She usually does,” he replied. “What was it?”
“That we write our own relationship manual. Kind of like a checklist, just for outside of the playroom. Not sure how well that’s supposed to work, but just sitting down and analyzing why something went wrong in the past and trying to avoid it next time sounds like a good idea.”
“You’d think we wouldn’t need anyone else to tell us that, eh?”
I nodded.
“But that would be too easy.” I let that hang between us, then finally pushed away, but just enough so that I could pull myself up so that I now half hovered over him, looking down at his face. “I hate how I reacted today. Absolutely hate it. And I hate admitting that what shoved me over the edge was my own egotistical, selfish need for attention. I mean, how screwed up is that?”
Simon shrugged, looking a lot less fazed about it than I felt.
“Is it really that different from all the other things we do up there? There are rules and boundaries in existence for a reason. And it’s not like you feel like that all the time?”
I hated that there was a hint of doubt to his question, but I deserved that.
“No. It’s just when my mind switches into sub mode. Kinda. But that does sometimes happen outside of a scene, too.”
“You mean like after the party?”
I nodded. “Yeah, like that.”
“Why didn’t you just tell me then? Do you really think that I would have gotten offended, or felt like you were getting too needy or something? I think I told you later that I’m not just in this for shits and giggles. Contrary to the bullshit I was spouting earlier, I am in it for the long run. As long as you’ll have me.”
I couldn’t help but smile stupidly, even if the usual reservation was riding shotgun. “Me too.”
Simon opened his mouth, then paused, and I could tell from that alone that he wasn’t sure if he should say what was on his mind next.
“I don’t want to hurt you. Ever. But I know that some things I say or do just end up cutting deeper that I can influence. I just don’t want you to feel like I’m holding out on you.”
It was rather obvious what he was referring to with that.
“That’s the reason why we never just have sex, you and me? It’s either the three of us, or it’s you and me upstairs?”
He nodded, giving me a partly pained look.
“It’s hard for me, sometimes,” he admitted. “Because I want you, even outside of a scene, and damnit, it sucks that Jack gets you without any conditions, while I always have to work with a set of guidelines. But—“
“Do you hear me protesting that I don’t want to sleep with you, just, you know, without any kink being involved?”
“And where will that lead?” he asked, his voice laced with a hint of scorn. “Either right there, or later, or when you think about it the next day, you’ll interpret more into it than there is. Because lust and intimacy is so damn hard to keep separate from emotions. And then you will feel like there is more but you know that there isn’t, and that will make you sad and bitter…”
He did have a point there.
“But making me feel like all I am to you is your submissive is so much better?”
“It felt like the ideal solution until earlier tonight,” he admitted, sighing. “But does it work for you? If we tweak what we have going on according to what we can identify as additional triggers and needs? I don’t mind being ‘on,’ in full Dom mode, more often, if that’s what you want. But you just said you were having issues feeling like you were losing yourself, so is more really the way to help with that?”
I shrugged, not quite sure what to say.
“We need to find a new balance, I agree with that. But I think my issues are more with being afraid that if I change, your view of me will change. And Jack is there to keep me grounded, if he can keep his stupid trap shut.”
“Yeah, how is that working out for you?” he asked.
“Better than I’d expected,” I admitted. “We had a few good, long talks while you were gone. There were some misconceptions out there, and clearing them up kind of paved the road for, you know.”
I watched his face carefully, and didn’t miss the slight tightening around his eyes. Oh, it really didn’t sit all too well with him that while our issues were mounting up, things between Jack and me just kind of took care of themselves.
“Are you jealous?” I asked, realizing that I hadn’t really inquired about that before.
“How could I not be? Ever since we started being more than friends, I’ve always had to fight for every inch you’d give me, while the door’s always wide open for him. And now that you’re getting even closer, how can I not worry?”
“And then I run my mouth and, yeah.” No need to repeat that.
Simon looked away, but at least he didn’t otherwise withdraw from me. “It’s my problem, not yours.”
“But it puts a strain on me, too. How things between you two have been for the past couple of months…”
His eyes snapped right back to mine, and I could tell that he was getting a little annoyed. “Do you think I like being the moody, Grumpy Cat impersonator all the time? And yes, I am aware of how I’m acting, but as should be familiar to you, that doesn’t always help with avoiding a repeat performance. I just need more time to come to grips with things. Everything. Why should it be any easier for you than it is for me?”
“Because, of the three of us, you’re not confronted with a new side of you that you haven’t had to deal with before? Even if Jack seems pretty comfy with the fact that you two are having sex, I’m not sure he’s not sometimes wondering about what that means for him in general. Not sure that coming to grips with being bi is easier than wanting to spend my time kneeling at your feet. But you’ve had years embracing and living all that. How should
that not give you an advantage?”
He looked at me as if nothing I said made sense—or I completely missed the point.
“Have kinky or gay sex, yes, that I’ve done. But I have never been in a serious relationship with anyone, and let’s just say that dealing with you and Jack both at the same time often feels like wrestling a herd of cats. And even on the days when you’re not driving me insane with something, I still have to deal with myself, and let’s just say that I’ve discovered a lot about myself in the past months that I neither like nor know how to handle.”
And the fact that this was complete news to me probably made me the worst girlfriend in the history of bad girlfriends.
“Simon…” I started, but he cut me off.
“I’m not saying this because I want your pity. Things are just not as easy for me as you likely think. For you, the relationship thing seems to come so easily that you don’t even realize that it could be a problem for someone else. You have an issue with my coffee cup abuse? Well, my list of what suddenly annoys me about you both is so long that I need all those cups to weigh it down and keep it from fluttering off.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“It’s not like I haven’t tried,” he defended himself. “But it’s impossible to get you both to listen. And it’s not like it’s all constant annoyances. One day I’m fine with something, the next it drives me up the wall.”
“This only started after I moved in?”
Simon’s uncomfortable shrug would have been funny if it hadn’t been so sad.
“No? But before, I had no reason to really deal with it. And before you were around all the time, I had plenty of space—physically and emotionally—to deal with things, and by the time whatever annoyed me started up again, everything else usually wasn’t an issue anymore. Jack and I might have been roommates for a long time, but we never really hung out constantly, all the time. I got up when I wanted, usually spent most of my day on my own, then maybe saw him briefly when he came home after work before he went out again, or didn’t return until almost midnight. And I was fine with that. If I got lonely, I called you, or Kara, or someone else, we threw the occasional party, I’d go out for beers with someone—but I always had my safe haven away from everything if I wanted it. Now you’re both here, all the damn time!”