by Selena Kitt
“Yes.” He nodded slowly, answering me honestly. “We both did. Carrie and I. Ronnie is easy to love.”
“I know.” My lower lip quivered. “I loved her too.”
“But she’s so young,” he reminded me, giving my shoulder a reassuring squeeze.
“So am I.” I was only twenty-six. Ronnie was five years younger than me.
“She’s young in a different way,” Doc countered. “Ronnie is naïve.”
“Not anymore.” I snorted.
“Just because she’s more sexually experienced doesn’t make her any less naïve,” Doc said. “Do you know what I think? I think Ronnie will find someone. Maybe this guy. Maybe the next. Or the one after that. And she’ll settle down and she’ll have kids. And she’ll start to realize that her life isn’t quite complete. There’s something missing. Someone.”
I sniffed. “It’ll be too late.”
“For you and her, probably. But Gretchen, you already know who you are. You know what you want. You’re already ten steps ahead of her. And by the time Ronnie realizes who she is, time will be her enemy.”
“How do you know all this?” I lifted my head to meet his eyes. They were brown, dark and deep and kind.
“Experience.” He smiled.
“Thanks,” I whispered. It was hard being alone in the world, and knowing that the Baumgartners were open-minded and loving and really cared—it meant a lot.
“Any time.” He stood, holding a hand out to me. “I think those are the fireworks. Or else Carrie’s finally decided to kill the children.”
“We better get out there.” I laughed, letting him help me off the bed.
I excused myself to wash my face in the bathroom, hearing the boom of fireworks again. I glanced out the window to see the pink sparkle just fading in the sky. I wondered if Doc would tell Mrs. B everything, and realized, of course he would. They were married. I had told Ronnie everything and we weren’t even officially a couple. Even if it had felt like we were.
Downstairs, I joined the festivities. Parents sat in lawn chairs with bottles of beer or wine coolers while kids ran around in the grass with sparklers, making patterns and writing their names in the air. I saw Doc sitting next to Mrs. B, their heads bent, talking together.
“Gretchen, come do sparklers!” Henry appeared at my elbow, grabbing my hand and dragging me through the crowded backyard. I wasn’t the only nanny present—Kim Lowe was another nanny in charge of sparklers. She was sitting in a lawn chair, lighting them and handing them out to the kids, who took off running.
“Hi.” She smiled at me, nodding to the empty chair beside her. Kim was a tiny, pretty oriental girl with the smallest hands and feet I’d ever seen on a grown adult.
I sat in the lawn chair and helped her light sparklers as the crowd ooohed and ahhhed over the big fireworks overhead. I just kept thinking that Ronnie was supposed to be here. Mrs. B had asked me to invite her, and although Ronnie had hesitated when I asked, she said she’d come. And now she was gone. She was probably somewhere over on that riverbank, sharing a blanket with Vince and his monster cock.
“Gretchen, look!” Henry grinned, writing obscenities with his sparkler, misspelling “fuck” as “fok.”
“Henry,” I warned and he rolled his eyes, going back to making figure-eights.
“Come sit with me on the blanket, Gretchen.” Janie came over, no sparkler in hand. “Sparklers are for babies. Let’s watch the big fireworks.”
So I followed Janie over to the blanket and Henry soon joined us on the ground, all piled up in a heap as more and more kids joined in, abandoning sparklers in favor of the big pyrotechnics show going on in the sky. It was a beautiful display, and the finale at the end made everyone cheer and clap.
Then the neighbors gathered their kids and started saying their goodbyes. I steered two overtired kids toward the house, smiling at Doc and Mrs. B as I passed.
“I’ll get them to bed,” I called. They were playing host and hostess, wishing everyone a good night.
Once the kids were in their pajamas and had brushed their teeth, I tucked them in. Janie was sleeping almost as soon as her head hit the pillow. I kissed her forehead and pulled up her blanket, leaving the door slightly cracked on my way out. Henry was awake but sleepy, his eyes half-closed when I came in to shut out the light. I smiled, seeing an old squirt bottle of “monster spray”—a trick I used back when he was afraid there were monsters under his bed or in his closet—sitting on his dresser. He didn’t ask for it anymore, but it was still there anyway, just in case.
“No more profanity, Henry,” I warned, brushing his dark hair from his eyes. He was a little mini-Doc in a lot of ways. “Got it?”
“What’s profanity?”
“Swearing.”
“Oh.” He grinned sheepishly. “Okay. Sorry.”
“Goodnight, Henry.”
“Goodnight.”
I shut out the light, leaving his door cracked too. Mrs. B insisted, just in case they called out in the middle of the night, because the Baumgartners’ bedroom was all the way upstairs. I made my way down the hallway, through the big, open kitchen, into the family room. I looked through the French doors onto the patio, seeing the crowd had dispersed. Doc and Mrs. B were sitting in lawn chairs, talking. I went outside, starting to pick up empty cans and bottles, holding the recycling bin against my hip as I went.
“Gretchen,” Mrs. B called, waving me over. “Leave it. Come here.”
“I’m just cleaning up.” I squatted to pick up two wine coolers leaning against the leg of one of the lawn chairs.
“Don’t worry about it tonight,” Doc said, waving me over too.
“We’ll get it in the morning,” Mrs. B assured me. “Come on, have a seat. We want to talk to you.”
I put the recycling bin on one of the chairs, walking slowly over to where they were sitting. They looked serious, too serious, and I was suddenly nervous.
“Am I getting fired?”
“No!” Doc. laughed. “Of course not!”
“Doc told me about you and Ronnie.” Mrs. B reached out, taking my hand. Hers was soft, tender, as she pulled me toward the third chair. “I’m so sorry.”
“Thanks.” I sank into the lawn chair across from the two of them.
“We’ve been talking,” Doc said, leaning forward, elbows on his knees, fingers tented. “And we’d like to you to stay.”
“Oh.” I looked around at the mess all over the lawn, empty bottles and cans, junk food wrappers, used sparklers and fireworks wrappers. “Well, thanks. I appreciate it. I can stay the night and help you clean up in the morning.”
“No, Gretchen.” Mrs. B smiled, shaking her head, leaning forward again to take my hand in hers. “We want you to stay. Here. Full-time.”
“You mean, as a live-in?” I looked between the two of them, back and forth, not quite believing what I was hearing.
“Yes,” Doc insisted with a reassuring smile. “We want you to live here. We’ll give you the guest room upstairs.”
“Are you sure?” I looked down at Mrs. B’s hand in mine.
“We were already going to ask.” Mrs. B covered my hand with her other one. “You know we’ve been approved as a foster family and they’ll probably place a baby with us soon.”
A baby. I saw a lot of sleepless nights in my future. But I didn’t really mind. The Baumgartners paid very well already, and I was only with them part-time. A full-time position would be even better. And I wouldn’t have to worry about getting another roommate, and I wasn’t ready for that. Not yet.
“What do you say?” Doc prompted.
“Yes.” I smiled, squeezing Mrs. B’s hand in mine. “Absolutely. I’d love to.”
“I’m so glad.” Mrs. B sat back, looking relieved. “You’re already a part of a family. Now you’ll just be living with us too. It’s perfect!”
The perfect solution.
“You can stay in the guest room tonight.” Doc stood, yawning and stretching. “We’ll get your st
uff this weekend.”
“Thanks.” I stood too, looking between them. “Really, you guys… thanks. You’ve saved me so many times.”
Well, twice. But who was counting?
“And you’ve saved us,” Mrs. B reassured me, standing and putting an arm around her husband’s waist. “You’re so good with Janie and Henry.”
“They’re good kids.” I knew that was true even more after tonight, having hung out with a bunch of other kids who weren’t anywhere near as well behaved. “Well, I guess I’ll go turn in. I’ll get up early so we can clean up this mess.”
“Goodnight, Gretchen.” Doc called as I headed toward the house.
“Goodnight.” I closed the French doors behind me, looking around the enormous family room with its cathedral ceilings, giant TV, brick fireplace. This was home now? It was hard to imagine.
I went upstairs, used the bathroom, undressed down to my t-shirt and underwear, and got into the big guest room bed. I turned out the lamp and snuggled under the covers, thinking about Ronnie, about the Baumgartners. About my life up until now and my life going forward. Was this it? Was I going to be a nanny forever? I wasn’t averse to the idea—and I was relatively good at it. And I did love the Baumgartners.
It wasn’t such a bad gig, really. At least until I found someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Until I wanted to start my own family, if I ever did. There was a part of me that longed for it, that one special someone. I had it, briefly, with Ronnie. I’d glimpsed what it could be like, when I looked at the Baumgartners. I just wasn’t so sure it was something I was ever going to find. My luck, so far, hadn’t been so great in that department.
I heard the Baumgartners come upstairs and get ready for bed. I’d left my door open a crack, just out of habit. I could hear them talking through the wall, but it was just voices, no real intelligible words. It reminded me of how I used to listen to my parents talking at night, the comforting sound of their voices lulling me to sleep. It had been a long time since I’d had a family, a real family. My parents had been gone for almost ten years. A car accident. My father had been drunk, driving them home from a party, and had killed not only himself and my mother, but another woman, and had paralyzed her six year old daughter. And of course, left her motherless too.
I’d spent the last two years of high school with my aunt, a very fundamentally religious woman who had introduced me to plenty of families with kids who needed caring for. That’s where’d I got all my babysitting experience, which translated into great references for my resume once I started applying for nanny jobs.
Which had led me, step by step, right here. Somehow, this job being a full time nanny for the Baumgartners seemed meant to be. I felt more comfortable here in the Baumgartners’ guest bed than I’d felt in a long time. I listened to the ticking of the big grandfather clock down in the foyer, the ambient hum of the house, a place I spent so much time but had never called home before.
“Well, I know, but… shhh, I’ll be back in a minute.” The door next to mine opened, Mrs. B’s voice and a slant of light spilling out onto the opposite wall. I saw her shadow pass, heading down the hall. Then I heard the bathroom door close. I listened to the sound of laughter and Jon Stewart monologing on the television in their room.
“Gretchen?” Mrs. B whispered from my doorway. “Are you sleeping?”
I kept my eyes closed, held still. Pretended to be sleeping.
“Hey, babe, can you grab me a glass of water?” Doc called.
I listened as Mrs. B went to the bathroom. I heard the sink running.
“So when are Dani and her boys coming?” Doc asked as Mrs. B returned with his glass of water.
“August.” Mrs. B snorted. “Dani and her boys?”
“Well, what do you want me to call them?” Doc asked. “Her husbands?”
“That would be more accurate.”
“She really sleeps with both of them?”
“Doc, she slept with both of us.”
I perked up, eyes wide, staring at the ceiling. Who was this Dani with two husbands who had slept with the Baumgartners?
“I remember,” Doc replied, sounding sly. “Think she’ll do it again?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well not sleeping with her husbands,” Doc insisted. “And neither are you.”
“But you’re fine with another woman?” Mrs. B laughed.
“And so are you,” he reminded her. I heard her giggle. “You miss it.”
“You know me too well.” Mrs. B’s voice turned to honey.
“We need to find another woman for you,” Doc murmured. His voice was softer now and I hear Mrs. B’s low moan.
“That’s like searching for a unicorn.” Mrs. B laughed. “Isn’t that what they say?”
“We found Dani,” he said. “And we found Ronnie.”
“And look what happened.” Mrs. B sounded sad. “Ronnie wouldn’t even return my calls.”
So they had tried to contact her. Ronnie never said. I had wondered, but she didn’t talk to me about the Baumgartners, not anymore.
“But Dani stayed in contact,” Doc countered.
“Yeah, and she went a whole other direction.”
Doc snorted. “I’ll say.”
“So we have no real proof a woman exists who would be happy to be just our lover.”
“I’m sure she exists,” Doc replied.
“Like unicorns? Or dragons? Or narwals?”
“Carrie, narwals are real.”
“Really?”
Doc laughed. “Yes, really.”
“Besides, we just got approved as a foster family,” Mrs. B reminded him. “Can you imagine what they’d say if they knew we had a female lover?”
“Who says we have to tell them?”
“Doc, the kids…”
“We’re discreet. We’ve kept it from them so far.”
It was true, Henry and Janie had no idea their parents had slept with their former babysitter. And whoever this Dani was, I was sure they had no idea their parents had more than a friendship with her. Of course, they were young. Relatively innocent still. Things would change over time. Then Mrs. B spoke and it was like she had been reading my thoughts.
“Yes, but Janie and Henry are getting older. They’re understanding more and more. And kids always know more than you think they do.”
Doc didn’t speak for a few minutes. I sat up in bed, listening, leaning in, wondering what was happening. Had they gone to sleep? Then Doc spoke.
“There’s really nothing wrong with it, you know.”
Mrs. B hesitated, and then said, “I know.”
“Do you?”
“Yes. I mean, I know that in my heart.” She sighed. “But the rest of the world doesn’t seem to share our views. And we live in the real world.”
“You can’t change who you are,” Doc said softly. “I’d be an awfully selfish man if I insisted you deny your love for women too.”
“What if I wanted to love two men?” Mrs. B asked. “Like Dani?”
“Then I guess we’d have to talk about that,” he replied readily enough. “I mean it, Carrie. You can’t change who you are. You love who you love. Like I told Gretchen tonight.”
“That poor girl.” Mrs. B sighed again. “I feel awful for her. Ronnie just left?”
“She said she found someone else, but she’s really just running away,” Doc told her. “Like she ran away from us. But she’s like you, Carrie. She’ll realize it, some day.”
“I’m glad I have you,” Mrs. B was smiling. I could hear it in her voice. “I’m a very lucky woman.”
“Yes, you are.”
“Oh shut up.” She laughed.
“Make me.”
“Come here and I will.”
“Mmm I like the sound of that.”
Then there weren’t any words for a while. At first I wished they’d shut the door after all, but I couldn’t help listening. I heard her moans and his groans and the wet sound of them kissing
each other and the more I listened, the more turned on I was. I was ashamed of my response, just like I had been when I was listening to Ronnie and Vince, but I couldn’t help it. My pussy ached as I listened to him licking hers.
“Oh God, Doc…” Mrs. B moaned. “Did I ever tell you how good you are at that?”
“A few times.” I could hear his grin. “But I never get tired of hearing it.”
“Ohhhh God, yes. Lick it, baby.”
Oh fuck. My pussy throbbed. I was sopping wet, listening to the sounds of them having sex. I cupped my hand over my mound, through my panties, rubbing my swollen vulva. Listening to them was so wrong. And it made me so hot.
“Here. Lick my fingers,” Doc offered.
I bit my lip to keep from moaning out loud, sliding my fingers under the elastic leg of my panties and slipping my fingers through my wet slit.
“Don’t you miss that taste?” Doc asked.
She moaned. “Yes. God yes.”
I lifted my fingers to my lips, rubbing my juices over them like gloss, tasting myself. God, I loved the taste of pussy. And for some reason, it thrilled me to know that Mrs. B did too. Ronnie said she’d learned to love the taste of a woman from being with Mrs. B. She’d been a gentle instructor, leading her easily down the path to corruption.
I’d learned to keep those thoughts to myself, given how many people around me disapproved of my feelings. If my aunt or my previous employer knew what I was doing or even just thinking, half the time, I would have been out a lot sooner than I was.
“You know how much I love watching you lick a woman until she comes,” Doc growled.
Oh my God, I was so wet. I whimpered, sliding my hand between my legs. I was thinking about all the toys I had at home, but tonight all I had were my fingers. I thought about Ronnie’s tongue on my clit as I rubbed my fingers around and around. I thought about Doc’s face, buried between Mrs. B’s wide open tanned thighs. I thought about burying my own face there, too, fighting him for her wetness.
“I love it when you make her all wet for me,” Doc said. “When you suck her pretty little nipples and make them hard.”
Mine were hard. Little pink points under my t-shirt. I rubbed them through it with my other hand, doing circles with my palm. Ronnie knew how much I loved that. She used to leave my bra on, teasing me for hours, teasing me through it, with her tongue, sometimes just with a fingernail, driving me crazy.