by Leslie Wells
“Why don’t you go out with Joan or Paulette sometime?”
“Oh, their husbands expect dinner on the table.” She folded her arms. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but I liked Jack much better than Art.”
“I realize that, Mom.”
“Art could go back to his wife at any time. Technically he’s still married, you know,” she said primly.
This was annoying, coming from her. “I didn’t think you of all people would have a problem with an extramarital affair.”
My mother narrowed her eyes. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
I tried to back-pedal. “Never mind.”
“No.” She sat up straight. “I want to know. What did you mean by that?”
“You were still married when you started messing around with that guy from the hardware store.”
She turned to face me, eye shadow bleeding into the wrinkles at the corners of her eyes. “I didn’t start seeing him until your father left me.”
After all this time, I resented her lying about it. “Come on, Mom. I know you were.”
She looked like I’d slapped her. “Your father accused me of that, but it wasn’t true. I flirted a little with Wayne, but it was harmless.” A shadow crossed her face. “Your dad was very possessive, you know. He accused me of having affairs, but it was all in his mind.”
I had the strangest sensation, like a fuse had blown. Like the top of my head had been forcibly unscrewed and things were flying out of it. I licked my dry lips. “Then why did he leave?”
Dot sighed. “He never wanted me to work, but I was going crazy at home and we needed the money. He couldn’t stand me being around men on the job. I was a flirt; just silly joking to pass the time. But he would accuse me of all kinds of things. Then he got fixated on Wayne; he was convinced we were sleeping together. I think it was just an excuse to get out of our marriage.”
“But this changes everything. Why didn’t you ever tell me this?” My mind was racing. My mother hadn’t had an affair? More importantly, she’d never cleared it up for me. How could she let me keep thinking terribly of her, the way I had for years?
She shook her head. “You always saw things in black and white, Julia. You needed to think one of us was to blame, and it wasn’t going to be your dad. You idolized him. And then once he left, I did start seeing Wayne, so I knew you wouldn’t believe me.”
I sat there, stunned. I’d foolishly thought there was only one person at fault in their divorce. I’d always believed my dad was the wronged one; I’d put him on a pedestal like a saint. But he’d left my mother for no reason—just because he was possessive and delusional? All this time my opinion of her had been polluted by that one unfair belief—no, delusion of my own.
What my father did was … oh my god, it was what I’d done to Jack. I never let him explain anything without assuming I already knew the answers. I hadn’t even let him explain when he called about Trina—albeit four days after the fact.
Something caught deep in my chest. I’d never fully put my trust in him. And that was because I’d always expected Jack to cheat; it was what I’d known about relationships since I was young. I’d assumed it was just a matter of when.
In the midst of my trance, a hand touched my knee. “I know I messed up after your dad left,” Dot continued. “I was so scared and lonely. I drank too much and slept around; I know that was hard on you. I was such a wreck, I wasn’t thinking straight half the time. And I was desperate to get married again—which of course didn’t happen,” she added bitterly.
I blinked away tears, feeling ashamed of myself. “Mom, I need to apologize. All this time I blamed you. I’ve said some awful things.”
“I deserved a lot of it. Here, don’t cry.” She reached out her arms, and I dove into her embrace.
“Julia, listen to me,” she said, dabbing at her eyes. “I think you’re making a mistake about Jack. I know you said all these women come after him, and that one was in his bed. But you should give him another chance.”
I studied my hands. “He doesn’t seem interested anymore. The last time I saw him, I got my hopes up but then nothing happened. Anyway, I’m sure he has a new girlfriend by now.”
“Not necessarily,” Dot said.
Chapter 34
White Rabbit
First thing the next morning, I told Art that I didn’t want to keep seeing each other. There was no point; I wasn’t going to fall back in love with him, and I didn’t want to string him along. We were supposed to get together later after Dot left, but I took the coward’s way out and called him on the phone.
“Why?” he asked, sounding hurt. “I thought we were getting along so well.”
“I only want to be friends. I’m sorry, but it’s not going to turn into more than that.”
“You’re running back to that musician, aren’t you?”
“I’m just not ready to get into a relationship right now. Thank you for everything, Art. I really am sorry. Goodbye.”
From the futon, Dot gave me a thumbs-up. I found the Port Authority’s number in my address book so she could check the bus schedule, and got into the shower as she was drying her hair. When I emerged, she was hanging up the phone.
“The bus is on time,” she said gaily. “I’d better get a move on.” Quickly she applied a bit of makeup and stuffed clothes into her bag. Before we went downstairs, she put her hands on my arms and looked me in the eyes. “I love you. I realize I don’t tell you that very often. But I hope you know it.”
“I love you too, Mom.” Feeling emotional, I kissed her cheek.
When we got outside, a black car was waiting at the curb. “Did you call a limo service?” I asked Dot, confused.
The back door opened and Jack emerged holding a slim book. His tangled mane looked like it hadn’t been combed in a week; his face had a midnight shadow, and there were dark smudges under his eyes. He was the best-looking thing I had ever seen in my life.
“Fancy meeting you here,” Dot said, putting a hand on her hip. Jack came over and gave her a big hug. He tossed her bag into the backseat and opened the door in front. “Rick is giving me a ride to the bus,” she said to me. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” She blew me a kiss, and they took off.
Jack looked at me curiously. “Your Mum called. She said you wanted to see me.”
“Yes,” I said slowly. “She was right; I do. Want to come up?”
“Absolutely.” He followed me upstairs and ambled over to the blues crate. “Ah, good. I see you still have my albums.”
“I’d never part with them.” I couldn’t stop staring at him; he seemed like something I’d conjured up. “What’s that book?”
“It’s what I’ve been reading.” Jack sat on the couch.
I sat next to him, feeling myself start to tremble. Jack held up the cover; it was a beautiful edition of Alice in Wonderland. “I never knew what a trippy imagination Lewis Carroll had; ‘a grin without a cat …’ Here’s where I left off.” He opened to a page marked with a Zig Zag paper and held the book between us.
“A-hem. ‘When the procession came opposite to Alice, they all stopped and looked at her, and the Queen said sev … erely, Who is this? She said it to the Knave of Hearts’—” He glanced at me. “Back then, that’s what they called the Jack; a knave. Fitting, isn’t it?” He smiled, and my emotions lurched. “So … where was I?”
A fat wet drop splatted onto the page. Jack turned toward me as I tried to stave off more tears. “Julia. You’re crying, and I haven’t even gotten to the sad part yet.” He put the book aside. “The part where Jack does something really stupid. He’s so terrified of his feelings for his woman, he doesn’t call her right away to straighten out a bad misunderstanding. Then she goes back to her old lover, and his heart gets ripped into shreds.”
I looked into his eyes, which mirrored the pain in mine.
“Forgive me,” he whispered. I wrapped my arms around his neck and brushed my lips over his. We kissed again and agai
n, my famished mouth drinking him in. Rising from the couch, I drew him back through the loft to my bed. With shaking fingers I undid the buttons of his shirt as his lips touched my neck, igniting me, his breath coming in jagged gasps. I ran my hands over his chest, feeling his nipples harden, and reached for his straining zipper.
“God, Julia,” he groaned. I tore off my clothes and we tumbled into bed, feverishly touching each other. I pushed him back on the pillow and lowered myself onto him.
Jack inhaled sharply. “Let’s go slow or I’ll …”
“I want you to.” I tightened my thighs.
“Ahh …” Jack shut his eyes, gripped my legs and held me still for a moment. I began cascading up and down, the trajectory setting off a waterfall of sparks within. He grabbed me by the hips to slow me down but I kept going, feeling him rocketing inside me. Gritting his teeth, he began to seethe and then his moan became a roar as he got impossibly hard, right before he flared.
“Are you sure you want me back?” Jack asked as we lay there together. “I’ve been acting like an ass. I almost took up some really bad habits again.”
“I’m sure.” I gazed into his depthless dark eyes and decided to take the plunge. “Jack … I love you.”
He sat up. “You do?”
“I love you with all my heart and soul. I felt like I’d withered up and died, these past weeks.”
“Well, that’s good, because I realized something while we were apart.” He paused, and I held my breath. “I love you, too.”
He … loves me! My emotions soared to a dizzying height as Jack gave me a soulful kiss that made my belly flutter. I never wanted to kiss anyone else again.
He lay back and studied me. “Are you definitely through with Art? Your Mum said you broke up with him.”
“Yes. I want you to know something: I never slept with him.”
“Really?” Jack’s face split into a huge smile.
“I had no desire to. I just kept missing you.”
“That makes me so happy, baby. I can’t tell you what I was imagining.” He gave me a guilty look. “Listen, I didn’t bring anyone into my bed while we were apart. I couldn’t work up enough interest. I may have …” He pressed his lips together. “I’m going to tell the truth, so you can decide if you really want me back. I let a couple of them blow me. Just because it was the path of least resistance.”
Nasty images filled my head. Jack put his arms around me.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. After you said you were back with your professor, I figured why not. It wasn’t that I went after it; I just didn’t stop it from happening. Mostly I just got trashed every night.”
That didn’t make me feel any better. I knew he’d been screwing around, but it was awful to hear the details. I thought of the woman in the silver dress. “What about Clio? She seemed to think she owned you.”
“I didn’t fuck that bag of bones. Her publicist set up those dates through Mary Jo. Every time I’d look at her, I’d see your eyes.” He gazed at me. “You’ve ruined me for other women. Whenever I was out with one, I’d find myself comparing them to you. They’d make a dumb comment, and I’d think about what you would have said. Or I’d crack a joke and it would go right over their heads. It got to be …” He shook his head. “You’ve really gotten under my skin. Which is where I want you.”
I flashed on the blonde in his bed. “Why didn’t you call me right away after I found Trina at your place? I was so devastated.”
Jack looked up at the ceiling and exhaled. “Tom told me you’d run out of the lobby, but he didn’t know why. I went upstairs and found her there. When I told her to get out, she started screaming and throwing things. I had to get a couple guitars away from her before she smashed them up. Then I called the cops and they wrestled her out.”
He paused to swipe a hand over his face. “I was going to go right over to see you, but they made me come to the station to get a restraining order. They kept me there half the night, then I stopped by Sammy’s to use his phone to call Carla. I wanted the mess cleaned up before I came home. All these people were at Sammy’s. I was so strung out; I had some weed to relax, and then some blow.” He sighed. “They were heading out to a party, so I figured I’d go for a while and then call you. Before I knew it, it was the next day, and then the next … it turned into this four-day blitz. By the time I got back to my place, you were ticked off, and rightly so. I knew I’d totally fucked up, but I couldn’t figure out how to fix it.”
“I’m sorry about those awful things I said. I didn’t mean any of it. I was so hurt, I wanted to strike back. I always loved talking to you, Jack. I loved every minute I was with you.”
Jack wove his fingers through mine. “Once I calmed down, I realized you didn’t mean it. I knew you weren’t using me; you wouldn’t even let me take you shopping! The whole thing was idiotic. I just got it into my head that it was too late. And then when you said you were seeing that professor, I knew it was too late. All because I went out and partied to avoid dealing with the situation.”
“You can’t ever do that to me again. Are you sure you want to get back together?”
“I’m more than sure. If you’ll have me. Being apart has been the worst.” He traced the curve of my cheek with his thumb. “So … about us. I want you to come live with me.”
I could hardly take it in. “Really?”
“Yes. Pack up a month’s worth of stuff, and after that, bring over some more. No more of this back and forth, in and out.” He thought for a second and grinned. “Correction: we’re gonna have a lot of the in and out. But no more sleeping alone. All right?”
I was more than all right; I was on cloud nine. “That sounds great to me. As long as I can do a little work at night.” I smiled.
“I’ll let you do some of that. After I bang you senseless. I have sooo much lovin’ stored up from all this time without you.” He kissed his way down to my breasts. “God, I missed this. I missed you. Off with my head if I ever do anything like that again.”
Chapter 35
‘Deed I Do
On the way home from work, I stopped by Books of Wonder to buy more Beverly Cleary novels. I planned on putting them under the huge Christmas tree we’d set up near the glass-topped table, since Jack was enjoying Henry Huggins so much. I was no good at trimming packages, so I’d had the shop do it for me. They did look pretty in their purple and blue paper, next to the praying mantis farm I’d already had wrapped for him. After I placed them under the spruce, I received a gift of my own.
“I see you got some more cards,” I said. Every day he got reams of them—many from women who were obviously former lovers. At night I made a little bonfire out of those particular ones in his fireplace. “Who’s this with the cute kid?” A caramel-skinned woman and an adorable tow-headed girl smiled at the camera.
Jack looked over my shoulder. “That’s Carla and her daughter Lottchen. Her husband’s German.”
I looked more closely at the girl’s long blonde locks. “Does she ever come over when Carla’s cleaning?”
“Once in a while, when school lets out early. I’ve run into her several times; she’s a pip. She loves dancing to our tunes, so I usually put on a record before I clear out.”
I spun around and gave him a passionate kiss. He slipped his hands under my blouse. “I was gonna let you relax some before I jumped you, but … what is it?”
I was grinning like a fool. “I think I’ve figured out where that hair in your brush came from.”
Jack looked puzzled for a moment, then nodded. “Yeah, could be. She’s very proud of her hair; always twirling it and playing with her ribbons.” He smiled. “I never thought it was Mary Jo. Somehow I couldn’t see her trying on that wig and striking a sexy pose in my mirror.”
I laughed at the image.
“Although any time you feel the urge to do that,” he added, “I’d be happy to watch.”
Later that night, I put the final touches on Isabel’s manuscript as Jack took a lit
tle nap beside me in bed. I was pleased with the work I’d done, and Meredith was convinced it would be a bestseller. I stacked the pages on the bedside table, right next to my marbled notebook. Jack stirred and squinted at me as I snapped the rubber band.
“Finally finished with that thing?” he asked.
“No thanks to you.”
“You told me you were ready to take a break.”
“A fifteen-minute break. That was two hours.”
Jack propped his head on his hand. “If you wanted a fifteen-minute man, you’ve got the wrong guy,” he said, gazing at me through his eyelashes.
“That’s for sure. But you are the right guy.”
“Good. Listen, I spoke to Mary Jo today. The record company told her we’re making shitloads of money from the new album; they’re really chuffed about it. I want to take you somewhere nice and tropical over Christmas. After we go to England. Maybe Dot can join us for the first couple of days.”
I smiled at the thought of Mom telling Erwin to shove it. “She’d be over the moon.”
“Least we can do; after all, she got us back together. And you have the whole week off since you’re an associate editor now?”
“That’s right.” He’d been very proud of my new title, and insisted on having business cards printed for me since Harvey said it wasn’t in the budget.
“I’m gonna get you a very skimpy bikini to wear on the island. We’ll have a private beach, so I’ll expect you to go topless most of the time. And when we’re not rolling around getting sandy, you can read your Proust and I’ll tackle more Henry and Beezus. But I want one week with no manuscripts, all right?”
I gazed at his hair sticking up in a wild tangle, stubble peppering his face, lightning bolt askew. “I promise I’ll only read for pleasure. If you don’t watch out, you’ll turn me into a hedonist.”