by Crowe, Stan
“You know, Nick, I don’t make so many jokes because I don't take life seriously, but because life is so often so serious. I see the good and the bad, the joy, the pain... Sometimes it just seems like there's so much pain in the world.”
She turned misty eyes my way. “You're not the only one with a past, Nick.” With that, she let go of my hand. My arm stayed frozen in place until it started to ache, then we both swung in silence for a time.
“Have you ever had to watch someone go through pain,” she asked, “knowing you couldn't do anything about it?”
I half-nodded. “Kind of, but I was young. They put down our family dog. Buck was on death’s door and needed to die, but I was still sad to see him go.”
“Then I guess you can understand where I'm coming from.”
“You lost a loved one, didn't you?”
“My fiancé.”
I had no words for that.
“His life ended as a statistic in some traffic safety book. Wasn't his fault. He and his brother were coming home from a Christmas party and someone going the other way fell asleep at the wheel. I sold the ring to help his family pay for the funeral.”
A tear slid down my cheek. Why had it taken me so long to realize that she was trying to open up to me? I was speechless that she trusted me to be her listening ear. She sniffled and dabbed at her eyes before going on.
“Richard… Richard was someone special.” I could feel her smile and the wistfulness in her eyes. “Yeah, I was young and stupid and all that, but I think I’ve always been able to spot a truly good guy when I see one. Richard was one of those. It took me a little while to see it, though. I was blinded by stereotypes. He was the captain of the football team and was dating the head cheerleader, Ashley Rothchild. It was so cliché it made me want to hurl. Something straight out of a bad romance movie. Oh, wait—you’ve seen all of those.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Every last one, yeah. Go on.”
“I finally found out that he was a pretty nice guy despite the mask I’d put on him. More surprising, Ashley was an absolute angel—the kind the other girls love to hate. I mean, there was just nothing wrong with her. I can’t remember how many Ashley Rothchild pin-ups guys had in their lockers. She won her campaign for student body president by a landslide. She was valedictorian and picked up a full-ride Ivy League scholarship. I lost track of how many clubs she was in. Heck, she even did charity work on the weekends. Every guy in school wanted her. Richard was the only one that really deserved her, though. See, Richard was that same sort of person, not to mention the tall, dark and handsome type.” She gave a mock-dreamy sigh, feigning swooning at the thought.
And me with my platinum hair. Bummer.
“But high school ended,” she continued, “and their relationship ended with it. Ashley took advantage of her scholarship, but Richard wanted to stay out west. They parted cordially. For the life of me I can’t understand how either of them let the other one get away. Still, that worked out great for me. Like every other girl in school, I’d had my eye on Richard for years. But Fate locked him away from me as a distant dream. I was a high school freshman and he was a junior when I first saw him, so I had no chance. I still had the ‘bad hair and braces’ thing going and I was as flat as a board. Ugh. Not only that, I was fighting the shadow of another girl who was incessantly trying to catch Richard’s eye. I admit I was almost glad when he finally escaped her by going to college. Next thing I know, he’s off to college and it’s bye-bye forever, Richard.”
“Which school?”
She shrugged. “Little no-name junior college along the Oregon coast. Almost no one seems to have heard of it so I don’t even bother mentioning it anymore. No one could believe that he’d turned down all the top schools recruiting him. Alabama, Texas A&M, Michigan. Even Stanford tried picking him up.“
“What possessed him to refuse school like those?”
“He didn’t want the pressure. He figured that with a small school, he was more likely to be able to actually focus on an education.”
“High school football stars think like that?”
She laughed lightly. “Not always, no. But, see, one of his uncles went quite a way in college football back in the ’80s. I heard the NFL was even looking at him after his junior year of college, he was that good. Then he got a pretty serious injury during a practice game. His dreams died in a literal snap. Thankfully, Richard’s uncle went on to graduate after his recovery. Richard once told me the only thing his uncle kept hanging in his den was that degree, in a nice frame. All the trophies and pictures and other awards were boxed in his basement. That made an impression on Richard.”
“Wow,” I said. “That’s unusually wise for an eighteen-year-old kid.”
“Richard was an unusually wise eighteen-year-old.”
“So I see. Go on.”
Moiré picked a blade of grass and twirled it between two fingers. “I guess I won Fate’s lottery. I put in for schools and one gave me a full-ride academic scholarship. It wasn’t my first choice—it wasn’t even my fourth choice—but Mom and Dad were tight on funds and my savings account was smaller than I’d hoped. So I took the scholarship. Next thing you know, I’m in Oregon. One day I was crossing campus and suddenly… there’s Richard. He was with a couple of girls, of course, but he noticed me as he walked by.”
“So what happened?”
She smiled big. “I honestly don’t know. I guess he saw me, post-braces and pigtails and figured I was worth asking out.”
“Just like that?”
“I guess so. Funny thing, I said no.”
“You what?”
“Yeah. I said no to him.”
“Wait, wait. We’re talking about the same Richard, right? Richard, the perfect guy from high school?”
She nodded. “That’s the one.”
“And you turned him down.”
“Yep.”
I blinked twice.
Moiré looked at me. “Aren’t you going to ask why?”
“I think that was implied by the blinking.”
Moiré laughed. “Well, I was scared. Ultra-popular guy like that asking a nobody like me on a date out of the blue? Richard didn’t seem like the pranking type, but I’d been fleeced before in middle school and I guess, well, once bitten….”
“Middle school? But Richard asked you out freshman year. Wasn’t that… just last year?”
“Not quite. Before I transferred here, I took a year off of school to just ‘find myself,’ earn some money and enjoy life without school before plunging back in.”
“Lucky.”
“Yes, I was. But yes, I was still guarded. It just so happened that saying no to Richard was the best thing I could have done. He wasn’t arrogant, but I don’t think any girl had ever actually refused him. No surprise there. My rejection seriously intrigued him. He later told me that he wondered if he’d done something wrong; he was sensitive like that. He spent the next week trying to figure out how he had offended me so I was on his mind an awful lot. He discovered that he didn’t want to stop thinking about me. He came by my dorm room to apologize the following Sunday afternoon. When I realized my mistake, I just about died. Thankfully, we patched that misunderstanding quick. The rest is history.”
“He proposed.”
She looked down for a few moments and then looked back into my eyes. “Yeah. Yeah he did. It was really sweet, too. Just him and me on the beach. Nothing flashy. We were about seven weeks from our wedding date when he died. We were shooting for Valentine’s Day, lame as that sounds.”
“Nothing lame about that. I think it’s cool.”
“Yeah, me too. But….” She started to sniffle slightly again.
Carefully, I took her hand again. Her sigh was her thanks.
Moiré blinked up at me through fresh tears. “I guess Richard was only ever meant to be a dream. But that was the best dream I’ve ever had. I guess all dreams have to end sometime.”
I stood up, still holding
her hand and pulled her into my arms; she melted into me and let her pain out. Her hair felt so good under my hand and her perfume reminded me of so many good things all at once. The warmth of her body was so natural, pressed against me as she cried for what almost was.
I glanced at the sky and noticed a shooting star. I nearly made a wish on it, but the thought reminded me that I was walking a very dangerous line right then. I was comforting Moiré as a friend. Anything more was dangerous. I’d seen couples stumble into emotional affairs that mushroomed into full-on infidelity. And yet, I kept holding Moiré, knowing that I was going to be okay. I just needed to send myself a memo never to do it again.
Finally, her needs for release fulfilled, Moiré pulled gently away from me. I took a long step back, just to make sure she didn’t read my intentions wrong. I couldn’t bring myself to lead her on. I knew my heart would break if I broke hers.
“Well,” she said, half laughing, half crying, “Richard’s a closed chapter.”
Putting on my professional voice, I asked, “So you’re okay dating again. I mean, after… yeah.”
She nodded, then smiled. “Yeah. Richard was one in a million, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t more like him out there. This one guy, Steve, actually took me to the Psych Department dinner. He was a lot of fun.”
I sucked in a breath and suppressed the envy rising in my chest.
Moiré gave me a questioning glance. “I thought I’d see you there you’re close to graduating. Were you not invited?”
My heart warmed. “Eh. I left early. I had some unexpected complications.”
“Oh, that’s too bad. Take a date?”
“Of course. But we’re talking about you. Have you found the new Richard?” I prayed that I didn’t sound too eager.
Her smile returned. “If you must know, I’ve had my eyes on a few guys since coming here. I knew that Richard wouldn’t want me to stop living simply because he had. I decided that once I was done mourning it was time to move along. That’s part of why I took that year off from school.”
“That makes perfect sense.”
Her auburn hair bounced nicely as she nodded. “Yeah. But remember what you were telling me about your dog? The part about watching helplessly as someone you care about suffers?”
I nodded.
“That’s the story of my love life. Remember me mentioning the other girl who was chasing Richard?”
“Yeah. What was that about?”
“Well,” she chewed on her lip a moment, “let’s just say we’re related through marriage.”
“Ah,” I said slowly. “Family feud.”
“Essentially. So this girl—we’ll call her ‘Ember’—was everything I wanted to be: pretty, popular, funny, flirty, busty. We never got along. Part of that was my own jealousy. Actually, a lot of it was jealousy. Ember always got everything she wanted. She got a lot of what I wanted as well. Ember and I were both… raised very differently, to be nice.”
“I see.”
“I used to watch Ember manipulate the guys in school. She… matured… early. The guys all noticed and she milked it for everything she could. At first, I pretended I didn’t care about what she was doing—she attracted a lot of dumb jerks and play their hearts like little, testosterone-filled violins. One day, though, it got personal.
“This one kid, Derrik Michaelson, was my best friend. Then Ember decided that he was cute. I still remember crying in my bedroom the day she started flirting with him. I won’t lie; I had a secret crush on him. But Ember waltzed right in like she owned him and before I could even say, ‘Derrik, stay away from the vampire woman,’ he was her flavor-of-the-week guy.
“She had that poor boy on his knees begging her not to leave him within days. She humiliated Derrik in so many ways, but he looked so ecstatic when they’d walk through the halls, holding hands, Ember snuggling him like some big, brainless teddy bear. That’s probably how she saw him, too. She dragged it out for three weeks. She even had the nerve to tell me just how great a kisser he was, just to stick it to me.”
I groaned. “So what happened to him?”
Moiré’s face grew sad. “He took the break up really hard. He ended up in counseling for it. We lost touch after his family moved away junior year. It tore my heart out to see that happen. She’s still doing it.”
“Twisting men to her evil will?” I asked.
Moiré nodded. “She has a sixth sense of who to target for her game. She eventually got smart enough to go for guys with good hearts. The problem now is that she’s of an age where guys are going to be asking for more than just dinner and a movie. Sooner or later, someone’s going to marry her. She’s engaged, in fact. Actually, she’s been engaged a couple of times. She broke the first two engagements off within weeks.”
“More of this ‘love lost’ thing, huh?”
“It’s tonight’s theme. Did you miss the memo?”
“E-mail lag,” I said simply.
“Call the computer geeks.”
“Tomorrow morning. First thing. I swear. Anyway, what about this guy?”
Moiré looked away suddenly and coughed. “Excuse me,” she said, patting her collarbone. “I think I swallowed something wrong.”
“I hate when that happens.”
“Me too. Okay, this guy. So, I used to work for Campus Catering. That meant I got to go to all the big dances as an eternal spectator. One night while I was diligently tending the punch and cookies and… this guy appeared out of nowhere.”
“You fell in love with a magician?”
“You’re a dork, Nick.”
“Yeah.”
“Well, this guy was so gorgeous that Richard would have been jealous. The guy virtually radiated strength, and confidence. Of course, he didn’t notice me, even when he walked right up to the refreshment table. He was alone, but I could tell it was by choice. Stupid me couldn’t do anything but stare. Go Moiré. Way to introduce yourself to the hot new guy.
“I figured my only chance was to just catch up with him after the dance, maybe see about swapping numbers or something like that. I almost got my chance, too. Until she showed up.”
“Ember?”
Moiré scowled slightly in acknowledgement. “She wasn’t even supposed to be there that night.” Disgust laced her hushed voice. “She was supposed to be taking care of her grandmother.”
I could tell this was more personal than Moiré seemed willing to discuss, so I let it go.
“Well she saunters in at the tail end of the night, dressed to the nines and , just like always, the usual crowd of guys formed around her. But then, to make matters worse—” Moiré halted, anger and sadness warring in her eyes.
“To make matters worse,” she continued, almost whispering, “he saw her. That was that.”
Eager to avoid going too far, I fought the need to take her hand again even when it slid tentatively toward me.
“So what happened?” I asked.
Moiré barked a sharp, bitter laugh. “He danced with her. Just like five other guys did. I still had my job to do and I couldn’t just stand there at the refreshment table gawking like an idiot forever. Then, the dance ended and the next thing I knew they were gone. I hoped he was a student, since that might give me a chance to see him again in passing or at another dance.”
“So,” I prompted, “did you ever find him?”
The bitterness and pain returned to Moiré’s eyes. “Yeah. I saw him again. I found out a few weeks later that Ember was dating someone new. Next thing I know she’s got a rock on her finger. She showed me his picture and that’s when I knew.”
I had no idea what to say to her. Instead, I fumbled out, “Bummer. Good luck with that.” The words seemed so empty and heartless that I at once tried to take it back.
“No, don’t worry, Nick. I know you were just trying to help. My biggest concern isn’t for me. Moiré De Lanthe has survived worse heartaches than having crushes stolen by… I shouldn’t say that word. But no, my heart aches for hi
m, just like it ached watching Derrik get turned into a emotional pretzel while his heart bled all over our high school. See, I’ve gotten to know Ember’s guy and he’s really sweet.”
“And gorgeous,” I added with faux-enthusiasm.
Moiré half laughed half grunted at that, but then smiled longingly and stared toward the black horizon. “Yeah, he’s not too bad in the looks department, I’ll admit.” Her smile disappeared under a new frown. “Ember’s going to tear this guy apart just like she did all the others. Only this time, it’ll be way worse. This time, she’ll take him all the way into marriage, assuming she doesn’t just dump him like those last two guys.”
I sat forward and placed a hand on her shoulder. “Have you tried warning him? To let him know that’s where things will go?”
She ground her teeth a bit, but said nothing.
“Moiré?”
Moiré sighed heavily. “I can’t.”
I gave her shoulder a quick squeeze and then dropped my hand, remembering I was trying to be careful. “What do you mean you can’t?”
Softly she said, “He wouldn’t believe me.”
I scooted closer. “What…? W-why wouldn’t he believe you?”
She sighed and started studying constellations. “A lot of reasons, really.”
“Try me.”
She looked at me, slightly pleadingly, as if to ask me to quit pressing the issue. My shoulders slumped and she looked away. After a time, she said, “You really want to know why he won’t believe me? He’s head over heels in love with her. And even if I do tell him, he’d think I was just making it up out of jealousy or bitterness. Ember would be sure to tell him all about our mutual past and make me look like an immature liar. Sure, she had a rough childhood and I feel bad for that. Broken home, mom struggling to raise her alone followed by crazy relations with the stepfamily. But that’s no excuse for even half the things she did that hurt people. She’s real good at playing the ‘poor little Ember’ card. Heck, I’d believe her if I hadn’t seen the rest of the story. No. He wouldn’t go for it, no matter how bad I want to help him.”