Between Want & Fear (Backstage Series Book 3)

by Dani René

  “Yes, Sir. The first thing I’ll have to request are paternity tests. It’s been almost two years and I honestly don’t know why she’s surfacing now. The thing of it is, I don’t remember that night. At all. Every time I try to figure it out, I come up blank. It’s as if what happened has been wiped from my mind. Yes, she’s claiming it’s my child, but there’s no proof. For someone in this business, proof is something that’s called for, it’s imperative we have tests done.”

  “This could be a lie she’s fabricated to get you to pay her?” Ryan nods. His hand in mine feels warm and I give it a reassuring squeeze.

  “I think she’s lying, Dad. I know Ryan and as much as he’s done stupid things, I don’t think this is true, at all.”

  “Mr. Thorne, I know this might seem like too much for Kierra, and I agree it is. But, I love Kierra with all that I am. I don’t want to hurt her, or pull her into this. I’m standing by her side no matter what. I’ll show the world how much I love your daughter. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her.”

  My dad and Ryan are in a standoff, and as much as I love both men in this room, they’re both stubborn. Deep down, my heart hurts for what this woman is doing to the man I love, but I know I need to guard myself. The news had to have broken early this morning, or last night when we were lost in each other.

  As much as last night was perfect, doubt is a bitch and she loves to play with me. Since I was a teen, I’d worry. Things would always bother me, and this time, it’s no different.

  Yes, we’ve loved each other for a long time, but what if it is his child. What if she’s right and the little girl is Ryan’s?

  “Ryan, maybe you need to go back? To figure out what this woman wants?” Ki’s sweet voice questions me, but I can’t. There’s no way I’m leaving her. Shaking my head, I rise from the table with a nod at Mr. Thorne and I step over to the terrace door.

  “I’ll leave you two to talk this out. Ryan,” I turn to Kierra’s father, “you seem like a good man, if my daughter believes in you, then I do too.” With that, he turns and leaves us in the living room.

  I turn to my girl. Taking her hands in mine, I hold them, feeling the heat of her smooth skin. “I’m not leaving you. This shit with her can wait. You’re my life Kierra, don’t push me away please?” She watches me with those stormy eyes.

  “Ryan, I’ll be okay. I have my dad. He’ll be with me and when I get back, we can talk.”

  “Talk? What do you mean? There is no talking Ki, you’re mine. This isn’t a discussion. I’m with you. Always. It’s been ten years and this time, I have you in my arms. I’m not letting you go.”

  The tension between us makes fear grip my chest. Breathing becomes difficult, and for the first time since I told her I love her, I feel as if she’s slipping away.

  “I want you to go, Ryan. This doesn’t just affect you. It’s the band. You’ve got to think about Callum and Liam as well.” She nods then. “We can go to the hospital together. But after, I want you to go to them. To sort this out before it gets worse. It’s a PR nightmare and with the tour coming up we need to put a lid on it.”

  “Always thinking about work, but if I need to make a statement, it will be here, beside you. Even with everything you’ve got going on, you’re more concerned with us than yourself,” cupping her face in my hands, I lean in and press a kiss to her mouth. The sweetness of Kierra, is something I’d never tire of. My beauty. My muse. My inspiration.

  Her soft moan is swallowed by the kiss as our tongues twist in an erotic dance. Her body curls into mine, fitting like a puzzle piece. Creating an incredible melody as we were meant to.

  Finally, when I break the kiss, I meet beautiful gray eyes that swirl with too many emotions. “I love you, Ryan.”

  “And I love you, I always will.” Nodding, she smiles then. One of her breathtaking smiles. A sight that will always still my heart.

  “I better get ready, we need to leave in thirty minutes if we’re going to make it on time to see the doctor.”

  “I’ll be here.” With a sweet smile, she turns and leaves me in the living room with my thoughts. I’m not leaving her again. Once she’s been to see the doctor, we’ll figure out what happens from there. I’ll prove to her and her father that I’m the man that should be by her side forever.

  “Ryan.” A deep rumble of her father’s tone comes from behind me. When I rise, I find the man with the eyes that match my girls’.

  “Mr. Thorne, I’m sorry about everything.”

  “There’s no need to apologize. I’ve been in this world long enough to know when you’re young and impressionable you can make the stupidest choices. I’m no different. However,” he smiles then, settling in the armchair that faces a large screen TV. “When I met Clarissa, Kierra’s mother, I knew what my heart wanted. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind she would be my wife.”

  He chuckles. A faraway look in his eyes tells me he’s remembering her. Kierra’s mother.

  “She was so beautiful. Exactly like Kiki. With the same feisty personality. All the years we spent together were the happiest I’ve ever been. Of course, when she got sick, I was beside myself. Nothing can ever prepare you for losing someone you love.”

  It’s then that he meets my gaze dead on. His expression is serious, yet, his eyes tell another story.

  “I can see how you look at her. I see the love between the two of you. Just remember, whatever the prognosis, she’ll need a strong man, Ryan.” His words are earnest, and I nod. She will need a strong man and that man will be me.

  “I understand. I’m willing to do anything for her. Nothing she tells me is going to make me leave, unless she comes right out and tells me she doesn’t want me. And even then, I won’t give up on her.”

  The honesty lies in my words. The truth is in my eyes, and when he nods, offering me his hand, I gratefully accept it.

  “What did my dad say to you?” She questions as we head to the private car I’ve arranged to drive us around. I don’t respond until we’re both seated in the back and she’s informed the driver about where we’re going. Taking her hand in mine, I plant a soft kiss on her knuckles.

  I know I need to answer her, but all she gets from me is one word. “Nothing.” I can feel her eyes on me for a moment before she turns her attention to the window.

  “Ryan, I’m not stupid.”

  Chuckling, I reach for her thigh, placing my hand on it gently. “I never said you were. We spoke about what the future holds. There’s nothing you need to worry yourself with, baby. It’s fine. He shook my hand and we now have an understanding.”

  “So you both decided on my life without me in the room?” Her tone is filled with incredulity. That’s one thing about my girl. She’s a fireball. Independent, yet needing so much support and love. And that’s the only thing you can give Kierra Thorne. There’s no person that she’ll cross paths with that won’t come to love her in some way.

  “Yes, stop being so stubborn and let us care for you. Is it wrong of me and your dad to worry about you?” He murmurs quietly, his voice low and serious.

  He’s right. I can’t stop them worrying about me, but I can stop them from making decisions for me. “I want to go home when this is over. We should take the private plane back to LA and try to sort out this PR nightmare. Tayla can’t handle it alone.”

  “No, you’re supposed to get treatment, if you need it. Once we have the go ahead from your doctor, then we’ll talk about going home.” His tone is adamant, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s to never back down from what you want. Even though I pushed Ryan away, avoiding a relationship with him, when it was the only thing I wanted, I had my reasons. It seems now however, those reasons were moot. The man wants me and I want him.

  “If I need any treatment I’ll get it in LA with the doctor that’s been monitoring me while I’ve lived there. The only reason I came back here was to see my doctor who did the procedure when I was nineteen and has my eggs stored away. He’s the onl
y one who knows my family history well enough to do the tests to see if it’s safe to have a baby. He can give me the advice I need to make the choice.”

  “Okay, then you’ll get the advice you need from him, get the tests done and I’ll be right there beside you. It’s time you stop pushing me away Kiki, I’m not going anywhere.”

  Sighing, I can’t help loving this man. “So you’re going to throw me over your shoulder and carry me back to LA caveman style?” I question on a giggle.

  “If that’s what it takes, then yes.” There’s no doubt in my mind that Ryan will do just that. If there’s one thing I learned about Ryan over the past decade, it’s that he doesn’t take no for an answer. With the amount of times I’ve pushed him away, he’s never given up.

  As soon as we pull up to the hospital, dread fills me. It’s been a long time coming and now as I sit here knowing I’m about to find out if I’ll be able to have kids I can’t stop my heart racing.

  “Look at me,” Ryan’s tone pulls me out of the darkness I want to hide away in. Turning my attention to him, I meet his dark eyes. “We will get through this.” His voice is filled with promise. With a vow to be by my side.

  “Thank you, Ryan.”

  “No need to thank me. I just wish you’d told me sooner what was going on with you. You’ve pushed me away for long enough. No more. I’m not going to stand for it.”

  Once again, he’s right. I haven’t been able to let him in for so long, I can’t understand how he just wouldn’t relent. Most men would have given up. Not Ryan.

  Smiling, I nod. “Yes, Mr. Callahan. You’re stuck with me now.” He chuckles, nodding as he lifts my hand, planting a soft kiss on my wrist.

  “Now, let’s go in there and face this.”

  I inhale a deep breath as we exit the car and make our way, hand in hand, to the office of Dr. Horton. The man who was there for my mother through her treatments, and who then later spoke to me, giving me advice about my options.

  As we walk into the reception area, we’re met by one of the nurses. “Hello, how can I help you?”

  “I’ve got an appointment with Dr. Horton at midday.” She nods, rounding the desk, she settles in the chair and taps away at the computer.

  “Kierra Thorne?”

  “Yes.” With a smile, she nods again, taps at the keys again and then she’s rising to her feet.

  “Come with me.” I thought there’d be a waiting time, but it seems I’m ready to go to the slaughter. Shuddering, I glance at Ryan whose hand is holding onto mine tightly.

  The long white hallway is stark. I’ve always hated hospitals. Even before my mum got sick, it was a place that filled me with dread.

  “Here you are.” The nurse pushes open a door, as we step inside I’m met with the sterile smell of medicine and cleaning products. “He’ll be with you in a moment.”

  With that, we’re left alone. The room itself has a desk, a large cabinet with glass shielded the boxes of medicines. The examination bed is in the far right corner with two chests of drawers with what I’m guessing to be medical equipment—needles, tubes, and whatever else I’d rather not think about.

  “Hello Kierra.” The doctor’s deep voice comes from behind me as the door opens. He’s dressed in the standard white coat. His graying hair is the only indication of how much older he is since the last time I saw him. The thin rimmed glasses perched on his nose are modern, but he peeks at me from above them.

  “Hello, Doctor. It’s good to see you again. This is Ryan Callahan, my boyfriend.” The words are foreign on my lips, but the smile that I get from the man I love is like a light in the dark.

  “And you as well. Hello, I’m Dr. Horton.” He offers Ryan a smile and they shake hands, but the hand on my shoulder never strays as the man I love offers all the support I need in one simple touch. “I’ll need to see Kierra alone, there are a few tests I want to perform. You’re welcome to sit outside and wait. She won’t be long.” The older man offers with a smile, but the way Ryan’s hand squeezes my shoulder tells me he isn’t happy with being sent outside.

  “It’s okay,” I turn to face him. Assuring him that I’m in safe hands. I’ve known Dr. Horton since I was a child, so there’s no need for him to worry. Endless brown orbs meet my steel gray ones. He’s at war with himself, wanting to stay, yet knowing it will be okay if he doesn’t.

  He leans in after a moment, placing a soft kiss on my forehead. “I’ll be outside.” With that he turns to leave. Ryan’s been the joker of the group, the one who always makes everyone else laugh, but when he shows his serious side it stills my heart. He’s a rock, a boulder in my life holding down everything threatening to blow away.

  “Looks like a good man.” I turn to face the doctor with a smile and nod.

  “He is.” My affirmation earns me a satisfied grin. “What do I have to do first?”

  “Blood and saliva samples and I’ll have to send those off for testing. I don’t want you to worry, Kierra. We’ll figure this out.” Nodding, I inhale a deep breath and hope he’s right.

  My mind is running riot. The doctor asked me to wait outside while he examined Ki, and took the blood samples. It’s only been twenty minutes, but it feels as if it’s been an hour, possibly more.

  Running a hand through my unruly hair, I push off the chair and head toward the coffee machine near the entrance. Once I have a cup in hand, I settle back down outside the room where my girl is.

  Nothing could ever prepare you for something like this. Learning that the person you love may be ill, or may one day no longer be around. We all know life is short, it’s a fragile existence and so many lose those they love without telling them how they really feel.

  I take a long gulp of my coffee, savoring the bitter taste. Just then, the door opens and Kierra appears. “I’m done, he’s going to get the last test results and we’ll be able to get an idea on the time frame. All the previous scans look good. He’s positive I can do this. My ovulation time is coming up, so… Well I might be able to get the procedure done.”

  Nodding, I immediately rise and go to her, pulling her into my arms. “Anything you want. Are you okay?” She nods, but her body is cocooned in the crook of my arm. Every time I hold her I’m in awe of how perfectly she fits in my arms.

  As we head out of the building and into the sunlight, she unravels herself from my hold and glances at me. “Thank you.” Her words are soft, whispered, but I hear them.

  “I told you, I’m here for everything. All the ugly and all the beautiful moments.” When we reach the car, I open the door and allow her to slip into the bench seat. I round the car and settle in beside her. “Back to the hotel,” I inform our driver and he nods. Turning to my girl, I question. “So, what did he say?” The engine starts and we head out of the parking lot and onto the street.

  “Basically they’ll test my blood and saliva to determine how dormant the gene is. If they think it’s safe, I may have a chance at implanting the eggs. However,” she murmurs, then stops.

  Casting a quick glance at her, I notice she’s biting on her lower lip. “What, Ki?”

  “He said if I do want children… I mean… If I decided to take a chance, I would need… I…” Her mumbling has my body alert and my hands gripping the wheel in a white knuckle hold.

  “Just tell me, baby. You’re not going to scare me off.”

  “He is concerned about me carrying to full term, although it’s possible, he did mention that I would need to be very careful.” She casts her stormy eyes at me, then a small smile appears on her face. “If I do decide to go through with the procedure, it will be done via IVF.”

  Nodding, I flit my gaze to her, taking in the worry etched on her face. “You know I’ll be there with you no matter what happens. And if this is something you want, I will do it for you. IVF doesn’t scare me, baby. If that’s what it takes, then we’ll do it,” I offer confidently.

  “You’re an amazing man, Ryan Callahan. I mean, this is something I’ve just sprung on you and
you’re still here. Most men would have run a mile.”

  “Kiki, there’s nothing I’d rather do, and I thought you knew by now, I’m not most men,” I retort cockily which earns me a swat on the arm. “But all jokes aside, this is us. You’re going to have my baby, whether we do it the natural way, or the medical way.” Reaching for her hand, I give it a reassuring squeeze as I pull into the parking lot of the hotel. “And I think now is the perfect time to show you just what I mean.”

  “Ryan—”

  “Let’s go, we’ll have a late lunch, relax in the suite and talk.” Exiting the car before she can respond, I’m at the passenger side before she can move. I offer her my hand, and when she slips hers into mine, I revel in her warm touch.

  The trip to the door of my suite is silent. I know she has a lot on her mind, but I want her to try to stay calm. Things will work out. I know it. I’ve never been an optimist, but with her, I feel as if I can allow myself to believe in happiness, in things working out.

  I unlock the door with the keycard, allowing her to enter first. “I forgot how beautiful these rooms were,” she murmurs, stepping up to the window which overlooks the city. It’s one of the smaller suites, but it’s still remarkably large with a living area and separate bedroom.

  Stepping up behind her, I wrap my arms around her waist. My chin rests on her shoulder as we both take in the view below. “All those people down there. They’re all going through something, life isn’t easy. It’s fucking difficult, there are trials and tribulations in everyone’s journey, but you,” I spin her around, so her steel blue eyes are on my dark brown ones. “You’re not alone. Besides the family you have back in LA, you have your dad who loves you more than anything. And even besides him, you have me. As much as I wanted to do this a different way, I think it is the perfect time.”

  “What do you mean?” Her brows furrow in confusion, I respond with a smirk. I knew there’d be the perfect time and place to do this. I thought it would be on stage, but with Ki and I, we’ve never been one for the spotlight, and this right here is our time.