by KG MacGregor
Justine shook her head fervently. "You don't get it. I don't give a…damn what people think about me. Even if I did, it's too late to do anything about it. People don't forget juicy gossip."
"So let 'em talk! What's the big deal?"
Abruptly she stood up and whirled to face her startled guest. "The big deal? The big deal is that six years ago, that one little incident–that ‘living my life the way I wanted to' as you call it–cost me both of my kids!"
The blonde woman was shocked both by the rising ire of her friend and by the revelation that a stupid little kiss at a country club–a kiss that got blown way out of proportion–had caused this much trouble for her.
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"They took your kids away for that?"
"Nobody took my children! It was much worse than that, a thousand times worse. Trey and Emmy chose to leave because of me…because of that." The blue eyes were filled with angry tears. "So don't think you can just come in here out of the blue and tell me how I should live my life."
Carly sat stunned at the vehement outburst. The redhead immediately turned away from her and wiped her eyes, clearly uncomfortable with the emotional display.
"I'm sorry, Justine. I didn't know."
"No, I should be the one apologizing. I…didn't mean to yell like that. None of what happened was your fault." Justine walked back over and sank down on the couch. "We're working it all out. They both come over now, a lot more than they used to. I just don't want to do anything that's going to change that."
"So that means you can't…." You can't be who you are.
"It means I just don't have a place in my life for that part of me. It's a choice, Carly. I want my children, every minute I can have them. And what we did the other night puts all of that at risk."
Now it all made sense…the underlying sadness, the evasive manner, and the guilt. Justine had lost the dearest thing in her life, all because she'd given in to her desires for a fleeting moment.
"I understand." Carly had no answers for the pain or frustration. "It really must have been terrible for you."
"It was…harder than losing my father. And I'm so glad he wasn't alive to see that."
Justine sighed deeply and pushed another tear away. "It didn't happen right away. They lived here with me for two years after the divorce and everything was fine. Then Trey started the ninth grade at Leland High School and discovered that he really liked girls a lot. I tell you, your whole life changes when your kids find out about the hormone thing."
Justine managed a small chuckle.
"Yeah, I know mine changed when I found out about it. But then I had to figure out why everything was so convoluted."
"Tell me about it. I'm still trying to figure it all out." Justine pulled a leg up onto the couch and turned sideways to face her guest. She found it surprisingly relaxing to actually confront what had happened the other night. "Anyway, I got called to the school one day because Trey had gotten into a fight and was being suspended. JT and I both had to go talk to the principal, and it turned out that our son went after this other boy because he'd asked Trey how his mom liked his new girlfriend. That's when he asked if he could go live with his father."
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"Why didn't you just say no? I mean, couldn't you talk with him about ignoring that kind of stuff?"
"It wasn't that simple. Nothing's all that simple with teenagers. Trey had started going steady with Melissa Chandler. She's Walton Chandler's daughter. You remember him?"
"The name's familiar. He was a few years ahead of us, right?" As she recalled, the Chandlers were one of Leland's "old money" families; their wealth was rumored to have come from moonshine sales during prohibition.
"That's right. JT handles a lot of his legal business. Anyway, I think Melissa was putting some pressure on him too. A teenager's whole life revolves around his peers, and it was asking a lot of him to put up with that kind of stuff. The first thing I did was tell both of my kids what really happened. Now that's a pretty humiliating conversation to have to have with your fourteen-year-old son and thirteen-year-old daughter. It's bad enough when kids come to realize that their parents actually did the deed, but imagine having to hear from your mom that she got caught feeling up another woman." Justine shuddered visibly at the memory.
"That must have really been something."
"Oh, it was. I never told either of the kids what their father was up to all this time. I mean, it really doesn't make any sense to try to make him look bad…it's not like it's going to make me look any better. Besides, they'll probably hear about it eventually anyway, if they haven't already."
"But even if they do, it won't carry the same stigma as you and Petra."
"Exactly."
"So how did they react? When you talked to them, I mean."
"Trey didn't take it very well, even after he found out that it wasn't as bad as what everybody was saying. JT and I both asked him to stay here, but he just couldn't handle it.
He'd gotten so he wouldn't even come out of his room, he hardly spoke to me, and then he brought home the worst report card he'd ever had. So as much as I hated to, I let him go."
"And Emmy?"
Justine sighed deeply, and her eyes clouded up with tears again. "After Trey left, I got…kind of depressed." Understatement. "I was so afraid of losing Emmy too that I couldn't bear to let her out of my sight. And I was always…god, this is embarrassing."
"Justine, it's just me here. I'm your friend, and I'm not going to judge you."
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"I know…I know, Carly. It's just hard to talk about my mistakes out loud, unless I'm paying somebody seventy-five dollars an hour to listen, anyway. That's a secret, by the way. I can't believe I just told you that too."
"And I didn't even have to give you anything to drink."
"No more plying me with alcohol!"
"No more alcohol," the blonde agreed, crossing her heart with her fingers. This was good, Carly thought. They seemed to have crossed a barrier somehow, and Justine was finally opening up on her own. Carly ached inside to hear of all the things her friend had gone through. It was worse that she'd apparently had to do it all on her own. "And your secrets are safe with me."
"Okay, where was I?"
"Emmy."
"Oh, yeah. With Trey gone, I turned all of my attention to my daughter, just what a thirteen-year-old girl wants…not. I nearly smothered her, offering to take her and all of her friends places just so I could go with them. I listened to the same music. I tried to talk like she and her friends did. Believe me, if my mother had done the kinds of things I did to Emmy, I would have run away from home."
"A little too cool, eh?"
"That was about when JT and his wife realized that something was wrong with their little girl, Alexandra. Emmy started going over there a lot more to help J2. She's really just an amazing kid." Justine shook her head in awe of her daughter. "Anyway, Trey had promised when he left that he'd stay here every other weekend, but it was more like one night a month. And I started getting more and more anxious and depressed about it all.
Instead of backing off and giving them some space, I started pressing both of them to be here more. So it all came to a head on my birthday. I cooked a special dinner for all three of us because they'd both promised to be here, and then…stuff came up and they both just…forgot. I came apart, Carly."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I flipped out. I called over to JT's and told Emmy to come get her stuff. Told her she could just stay with her father. Then I called Trey on his cell phone and told him he wasn't welcome here anymore either. And then I started throwing things. I broke picture frames…dishes…a lamp. I went up to their rooms and emptied their dresser drawers over the rails. The next day, JT came over sometime in the afternoon and I was still in bed. I think Emmy had probably come by in the morning and found the place in such a wreck.
Anyway, JT…took me up to Lexington and put me in the hospital. I stayed there for nine days."
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Carly's heart was breaking at the awful story, which her friend related like a confession.
But why was she acting like it was all her fault? It was terrible that her own children had been so thoughtless on their mother's birthday, especially knowing how important it was to her.
"And when I got back home, Emmy was…living with her father. They didn't come over for a long time, and when they finally did, I felt like I wouldn't ever be able to make it up to 'em. I was just so…ugly that night. But ever since then, I've been walking back…a step at a time."
"None of that was your fault, Justine. It's awful that you were left on your own like that, especially on your birthday."
"It wouldn't have mattered. It would have happened sooner or later anyway. I was just an emotional mess."
"You seem pretty strong to me now. That's what I see in you, not somebody who's fragile anymore."
Justine shrugged. "I don't know if strong is the right word, Carly. I think the whole town still thinks I'm crazy."
"I don't think you're crazy, Justine."
The redhead sighed. "I appreciate that. But you weren't here. I think I really went off the deep end, and that's what everybody remembers."
"But you've gotten better."
"I'm a lot more disciplined than I used to be, about everything. I joined the Wellness Center at the hospital and I finally lost all that weight I'd been carrying around for fifteen years. I run about eighteen miles a week, and I eat better now. I've been seeing a therapist ever since I got out of the hospital…I'm down to just once a week. And I hardly ever take the medication anymore…unless I have trouble sleeping for a few nights in a row. Then I have to, or I start to get edgy about stuff."
God, this woman's been through hell. "But you're in control of your life now, right? And you're seeing your kids again."
"Yes, and that's why I'm so…worried about…," she hesitated, unable to meet Carly's eye.
"It's not just because I'm afraid of losing them. I just…can't go back to that time again. I can't bear to think of losing it like that again." Justine surprised her when she reached out and took her hand. "Can you understand that?"
Yes…no! Answer the lady. "I can see why it would scare you." But I don't want you to pull away.
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"I wouldn't survive it again, Carly. I know it."
The women sat in silence in the twinkling lights, the blonde woman trying as hard as she could to think of something to say that would combat the fears. It was terrible that the punishment for such a small indiscretion had been not only the loss of her kids, but the near loss of her sanity. But now that the crisis was past, didn't she deserve to have a life too?
"I want to be your friend, Justine." I want to be your best friend. I want to be the one who knows your secrets, and the one you turn to for support.
"I could really use a friend. But I'm…."
"I won't push the other…." But I won't resist you if you do.
"But it doesn't matter, Carly. People are going to jump to that conclusion about us anyway."
Carly's brow furrowed in confusion…or was it dismay? "So what does that mean?" You can't possibly be thinking what I think you're thinking.
"It just means that I'm scared. I don't want to give people a reason to start wagging their tongues, because the next thing you know, Trey and Emmy are going to hear about it at school."
"So where do we go from here? Does that mean we have to sneak around just to be friends?"
Justine looked as though she might cry from the frustration of it all. She couldn't meet Carly's eye when she answered, ashamed already of her words. "I just…Carly, I just can't risk it."
"So that's it?" She couldn't keep the edge out of her voice. "We just forget about even being friends? What about when we went out to dinner and you said yourself that our friendship was special." Carly had played that over and over in her head, liking very much that Justine Hall thought that about her.
"I'm so sorry."
Carly stood abruptly and pulled her jacket closed. "I can't believe you're doing this again."
The redhead shook her head, the tears finally spilling forth.
"And you know it's wrong, just like it was then. Look at yourself, Justine. You know it's wrong."
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Justine turned away to hide her tears, but it didn't matter. Carly had gone.
**********
Valerie peered over her glasses at her client, worried that the fallout from Justine's talk with Carly Griffin yesterday would compound the stress that already surrounded her Christmas holiday. After their phone conversation on Friday, Justine had done exactly what she'd planned to do: tell Carly everything that had happened and how it had turned her life upside down. Justine had been sure that once Carly knew the whole story, she'd understand what was at stake and why they couldn't be friends after all. "So how did it make you feel when she reacted like that?"
"Awful…. She had every right to be angry. From where she's standing, it's no different from the way I acted back in high school. You'd think I'd have learned a lesson about that after twenty-six years."
"What lesson is that, Justine?"
"Just that…other people's feelings matter. Carly never did anything to deserve being treated this way. She's been nothing but kind to me. But I was afraid of people finding out about me back then so I pushed her away. And I've felt bad about it for almost thirty years, but now I'm doing it again."
"So if it makes you feel bad, are you still certain it's the right thing to do?" Her client needed to reach a solution that minimized her feelings of guilt.
"Valerie, the stakes are a lot higher this time. Back then, all I had to worry about was whether or not girls like Sara McCurry would still be my friend…or if I'd get a prom date…or if my dad would be disappointed in me. This time, we're talking about my kids…and we're talking about me going bonkers again."
Valerie let the "bonkers" remark slide this time. They needed to focus on getting Justine to a place where she could be comfortable with her children and with herself, a delicate balancing act. "What would Trey and Emmy think of Carly?"
"I think they'd like her just fine…but they'd be suspicious about…you know, whether we were just friends or something else."
"What would make them suspicious?"
"Well…," the redhead blew out a breath. Valerie made her work hard sometimes. The challenge wasn't so much the exploration of her feelings and motivations, but having to 77
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put them all into words. Too often, the picture she painted of herself wasn't one she liked very much. "Carly isn't married, obviously, and she sort of…looks like a …."
"Like what, Justine? Like a lesbian?"
"Kinda…," she admitted sheepishly. "I mean, she wears her hair really short–I like it that way, though. I think it makes her look kind of sophisticated. And she doesn't wear makeup or anything, but she doesn't need it like some people. I guess the big thing is that she sort of...carries herself…masculine-like."
"Does that bother you?"
Justine thought hard about the question. "Maybe a little…because that's what made people talk about her back in high school. But I like the way she looks. I think she's attractive."
"Is that what you're afraid Trey and Emmy will notice? That their mother thinks Carly Griffin is attractive?"
That's pretty much it in a nutshell. "Maybe…I think it would bother them a lot."
The counselor glanced at the clock, noting that their time was almost up. It would be a long week for Justine if she didn't leave with a plan for pulling herself up out of this morass of guilt. "And this attraction you feel for Carly…Are you satisfied to let go of it?"
No. "I feel guilty about treating
her this way…but at the same time, I don't want to do something that's going to cause trouble for Trey and Emmy."
"Let me ask it a different way. Will you be happy breaking off your friendship with Carly as long as it means that things will continue as they are with your children?"
Justine had all but given up on being happy. She was just trying not to be miserable. "I wish I didn't have to choose."
"Then maybe it's time to stop looking at this as an either/or proposition." Valerie had been working for two years to get to this point with Justine Hall. The woman needed to learn to accept herself. Only then would she lay to rest her guilt. "Why don't you try that idea on for a couple of days, and see if there might be a way to have both."
"But I–"
"Just think about it."
Justine didn't really have to think long. She wanted both, and the first step was letting Carly know.
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Chapter 8
Carly scooted forward on the truck's bench seat so she could press the clutch all the way to the floor. The grinding of the gearshift as she moved from second to third was embarrassing!
"Jeez, Carly! You're going to burn the clutch out and drop the transmission right here in the middle of the street," Perry groaned.
"I can't…it's too…" She continued to wrestle with the gear, but by the time she got it into third, she had lost speed and now the truck was sputtering for life.
"We can't pull the seat up any more. My knees are already in the dashboard." He shifted awkwardly to prove his point. "Boy, I would've thought you'd have gotten better at this since high school."
"Jerk! Just for that…" She slammed it back into second and the truck lurched forward, bringing both of his knees up sharply against the glove compartment.