by Naomi Niles
I turned to Maddie and gave her what I hoped was a reassuring nod. “It’s fine,” I said under my breath. “I can handle him.”
“Can you?” Maddie asked uncertainly.
“I won’t be long,” I told her. “Go on ahead of me.”
“Lizzie,” Maddie sounded worried. “Are you sure?”
“Positive,” I nodded. “I’ll be fine.”
“Fine,” Maddie repeated. “I hate that word.”
But she turned around and walked away, leaving me alone with Paul.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Dylan
It was strange seeing the boys again after so long. We had all been on the football team together and that was the primary bond we shared. Of the group, only Matt, Greg, and Keven had stayed in Bastrop, and they were already at the bar when I showed up.
They rose to their feet in a chorus of cheers the moment they spotted me. Matt and Greg were shorter and stockier than I was, but Keven was as tall as I was. I recognized them all but there was something distinctly unfamiliar about all of them. They had changed since high school, and in my opinion they had all aged considerably.
Keven had a potbelly that he would have been appalled at in high school, Greg had grey hairs coming in around the side of his head, and Matt looked like he was balding in the middle just like his father had around the same age.
“Geez, Thomas,” Keven said shaking his head at me. “Remind me not to stand right next to you.”
“All I can say is I’m glad we didn’t bring our wives,” Matt nodded.
“Stop it,” I said shaking my head at them. “You guys look great.”
“Do they teach you how to lie in the Navy?” Greg asked in mock seriousness and the boys started laughing.
I realized that they didn’t care what they looked like; they could afford to be complacent because they were secure and happy in their marriages.
“So what’s going on with you guys?” I asked. “Everyone’s married, huh?”
“I just joined the club,” Matt nodded. “I got married only a few months ago.”
“And what about you two?” I asked.
“I’ve been married two years now,” Keven replied. “And Lisa’s pregnant.”
“No way,” I said giving Keven pat on the back. “Girl or boy?”
“We’re going to let it be a surprise,” Keven replied.
“What about you, Greg?” I asked. “Michelle hasn’t left you yet?”
“Not yet,” Greg laughed goo naturedly. “But if I get her pregnant again, she might just walk out on me.”
“You have a son?” I asked, trying to remember.
“Two sons,” Greg said with exhaustion in his voice. “And they’re only a year apart; it’s chaos at home, which is why I really need some down time with the boys.”
“I haven’t been to this bar before,” I said looking around.
“It’s relatively new,” Matt explained. “All the young kids come here.”
“And you guys are playing make-believe?” I teased. I did happen to notice a few pretty girls walking past me with alluring smiles on their faces.
“Geez, meeting women must be easy for you,” Keven said, noticing the looks I was getting from a few women.
“I wouldn’t say that,” I said modestly.
All three of them snorted and I couldn’t help but laugh. “Well, it’s certainly easier for me than it would be for any of you guys.”
“Low blow, man,” Matt said as he mock punched me in the arm. “Geez,” he said pulling his fist back. “Are your arms made out of steel or something?”
I laughed. “They don’t let just anyone into the navy,” I said raising my eyebrows at the boys.
“Still a show off,” Greg said shaking his head.
We got drinks and sat around the table drinking, talking, and laughing through the night. It was nice to reconnect with the guys, but it also made me aware of how different my life was to theirs. These boys had already built families of their own. No matter how a conversation started, it always led back to their marriages, their kids, or their jobs.
They tried asking me about the Navy but I avoided their questions until they just stopped asking. I didn’t love talking about my decision to enlist or anything that had happened to me since then. The one person who made me feel like I could talk about it was Lizzie.
By the end of the night, we ended up on the dance floor. Matt, Greg, and Keven danced like old men who’d forgotten all the good moves. I watched them in laughter for a while before a young woman approached me and asked to dance. I spent the rest of the night trading off partners and dancing with a number of different women.
I was having fun, but there was an undercurrent that ran through my temporary high and I knew that once my buzz wore off I wouldn’t want to be here with these people. The girls I danced with were just faceless strangers in a crowd of people and I had no desire to know them. I realized as I was dancing with my fifth partner that I wished Lizzie had been here. It would have been so much more fun for me and I wouldn’t have even needed the booze.
The boys signaled to me from the dance floor and I followed them out into the streets. “What’s up?” I asked. “Why’d you guys stop dancing?”
“Sorry, man,” Keven said in an embarrassed tone. “We just … we’ve got to get home.”
“You boys have curfews?” I teased.
“Not curfews,” Matt said. “But we do have wives. We’d love to stay out a little longer, but …”
“You have to go,” I nodded. “No, I get it. I think I’ll head home too.”
“Hey, don’t do that,” Greg said. “Stay, take home some hot girl, live for all of us.”
I laughed him off and we said our goodbyes. I thought about taking a cab home but then I realized that my buzz had already worn off and I was ok to drive. When I got back home, I saw that the lights were still on and I realized that mom was probably not sleeping very well and that meant that Tyler was awake too. I was walking up the driveway when Tyler showed up at the front door.
“Hey, man,” I said. “Past your bed time isn’t it?”
“Are you drunk?” Tyler asked his tone was hard as flint.
“What?”
Tyler stepped off the porch and walked down the driveway towards me. “Are you drunk?” he asked, enunciating each word condescendingly.
“I had a few beers,” I said defensively. “I’m not drunk.”
“I can smell alcohol on you,” Tyler said accusingly.
“That’s what happens when you drink alcohol,” I said, starting to get annoyed.
“You drove back here,” Tyler pointed out. “In my Jeep.”
“You said I could borrow it.”
“I wouldn’t have if I’d known you’d been drinking and driving.”
I felt my anger rise to meet his. “I wasn’t drinking and driving,” I spat. “Get out of my face!”
“Or what?” Tyler demanded blocking my path to the house.
“Are you serious?” I hissed. “Do you really want to get in my face?”
“What?” Tyler asked. “You think I can’t take you?”
I knew he was looking for a fight. He had probably been looking for a fight before I’d shown up. I probably should have stayed calm and walked away, but I was dealing with my own, confused thoughts. I had doubt building up inside me and I had no one to talk to. I realized that I was probably looking for a fight just as much as Tyler was.
“I know you can’t take me,” I said butting my head against his.
“You’ve always been a cocky little prick,” Tyler hissed. “You think you can do whatever you want and there’s not going to be consequences; of course you think that, because all your life everyone else has had to deal with the consequences of your decisions. That’s why you don’t give a shit.”
I tackled Tyler and pushed him to the ground. I knew he wasn’t completely prepared for it and I savored the look on his face when he hit the ground. He struggled to g
et to his feet but I didn’t give him the chance to. I pushed him onto the front yard and we rolled around like teenage boys with no sense and something to prove.
“Stop it!” I heard mom’s voice louder than she had spoken in the last week. “Tyler! Dylan! Stop it now!”
For a moment, I was so angry that I thought I’d simply ignore her but then the frantic worry in her voice registered and I knew I had to step back. I gave Tyler one last push and got to my feet. He lay on the ground breathing heavily and then he sat up slowly. His panting was labored and I knew he hadn’t expected to lose so badly.
“What is wrong with both of you?” mom sobbed as she looked between Tyler and I. “Your father died last week and here you both are fighting in the front yard like school boys!”
Neither one of us said a word. We just stayed where we were, looking down at the grass and avoiding her eyes. “You are grown men, the both of you!” mom continued and I noticed that her voice shook when she spoke. “More importantly, you are brothers!”
I looked up at her slowly. Her eyes were fixed on me and I could see the tears pooled up in the corner of her eyes. She was looking at me in disbelief. I glanced at Tyler and noticed his head was hanging low; he had a bruise on the side of his face and I knew from experience that it would only get darker by the minute.
“I’m sorry mom,” I sighed and I meant it. “We were being stupid.”
I looked at Tyler hoping he would agree with me and apologize to mom but he didn’t say a word. After a moment, he got to his feet and then he walked away without looking back at either one of us. I felt my anger rise up again but I stamped it down and moved towards mom.
“I’m sorry,” I said again putting my arm around her shoulders. She was so small that I could hardly believe this was the woman I used to nestle up to in the mornings before breakfast. It seemed as though she had lost half her weight in a matter of days. “Mom, I really am.”
“I know,” she sighed at last and I could sense the fatigue in her tone. She was looking off in the direction that Tyler had gone in. “Do you know where he’s going?”
“No,” I shook my head. “And I don’t care.”
“Don’t be too hard on your brother,” mom said softly. “Losing your father was very hard on him; the two of them were so close.”
“This has more to do with me than with dad,” I said.
Mom looked up at me and shook her head. “You don’t understand one another,” she said with a sigh. “That’s the biggest problem. You misunderstand each other at every turn. That’s not what I want for the two of you.”
“Well it’s what you got mom,” I said before I could stop myself. “We’re not perfect.”
“And I don’t expect you to be,” she said quickly. “I just want you to get along. We’re family in this town, Dylan, and even though it’s hard we have to try and get along. We have to make this relationship work.”
I didn’t say anything; there was nothing I could say.
“Let’s sit down on the porch for a minute,” mom said, pulling me along with her. We sat down and stared out at the massive land that surrounded the house and all the trees that dotted it. It was so peaceful there; it was as though we were in the middle of nowhere.
“How are things with Elizabeth?” mom asked and I realized I should have seen that coming.
“Fine,” I replied.
Mom smiled and I knew she wanted more detail. “I don’t know what to tell you mom,” I said. “We’ve been spending a lot of time together.”
“I’ve noticed,” she nodded.
“And you don’t think that’s a good idea … do you?”
“You know I love Elizabeth,” mom said insistently. “And I also know how much she loves you.”
“But?”
“You’re leaving soon.”
“I’m aware,” I nodded.
“Do you think it’s wise to get so involved with her right before you leave again?”
“It’s not like the last time,” I said, getting defensive for reasons that were unclear to me too. “This is different. We’re adults now and we have a better understanding of the situation. I haven’t made her any promises and she hasn’t made me any either. We’re just …”
“Enjoying each other’s company?” mom finished for me.
“Precisely.”
“You can make all the necessary decisions, darling,” mom continued. “But feelings are a totally separate matter. You can’t control them, you can never control how you feel.”
“We both know it’ll be hard to say goodbye … but that’s just it. It’ll be closure; we never really said goodbye the first time.”
“I see,” mom nodded. “And you’ll be fine if she moves on and meets someone else, if one day she eventually marries someone else?”
“It will be hard to hear,” I admitted with a strange feeling in my gut. “But I can’t expect her to hand around and wait for me. I don’t want her to have to put her life on hold until I decide what I want for mine. She deserves to be happy now.”
Mom looked at me and smiled sadly. “All right, darling,” she said in a voice that made me realize she wanted to say more. “I’m tired now; I’m going back into the house. Are you coming?”
“In a minute,” I nodded.
She gave me a kiss and moved back into the house, leaving me on the porch. I looked out at the bright little dots that were stars and wished that Lizzie were sitting hear beside me. It felt so lonely without her sometimes that I wondered how I had even made it through this last decade without her.
Life was so complicated sometimes that it floored me. It was like being stuck in a big box of my own making, staring outside at all these choices that I was afraid to make. My thoughts kept flitting back to mom’s words only moments ago. She had said that we were family and we need to make those relationships work.
I remembered the time just after high school when I had finally made the decision to enlist. Tyler and I were butting heads on every little thing, my parents were talking about the best college options for me, and Lizzie’s head was filled with dreams that I couldn’t see myself in. Sitting there on the porch, fresh after a fight with my brother and a chat with my mother, I remembered how I had felt at the time.
The thing about life in a small town was that it was intense. Everything was magnified a hundred times over until they filled your head with doubts and worries and fears. I had been losing grip, I felt as though I didn’t know anything. I felt as though I had no experience and no ability to make it through life on my own. Enlisting had been a way to prove to myself that I was more than the tiny town I had grown up in. I wanted to be more than this town. I wanted to be more than who I was.
I thought of Lizzie and the fact that she had stayed in Bastrop all those years. I wondered why she had never left, why she hadn’t followed her dreams and done any of the crazy things she had written on her bucket list. Maybe it came down to the same thing.
Maybe at the end of the day, we were all just scared.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Elizabeth
He walked me down the street until we found a lonely, secluded spot away from the bustle of restaurant lights and people. He was quiet as we walked and he had on a pensive expression on his face. I glanced at him every now and then, wondering if he was being serious or if he was simply drunk and didn’t know it.
When we were surrounded by silence and empty space he turned to me. “Elizabeth,” he said my name as though he missed saying it and I reminded myself not to be taken in by him again. That was how I ended up agreeing to marry him in the first place.
“Can you make this quick, Paul?” I said. “Maddie will be waiting for me.”
“I never liked Maddie,” he said with an expression I recognized from back when we were married.
“Big surprise,” I said sarcastically. “Is that what you wanted to talk about?”
“No,” he said quickly. “No … I just … I guess I wanted to talk about everything
?”
“Everything?” I repeated with raised eyebrows. “You want to talk about everything? Now?”
“Yes.”
“Well, you’re a little late, Paul,” I said in frustration. “Because in case you forgot, we’re divorced. Remember all those times I came home and begged you to talk to me so that we could work out our problems?”
“I remember,” Paul nodded slowly.
“You weren’t very interested in talking then, were you?” I demanded.
“I was …” he hesitated for a moment as he swung towards me. I moved back and put my hand on his chest, pushing him away from me a little.
“Careful,” I said. “You’re drunk.”
“I’m not,” he said defensively and I didn’t bother to argue with him.
I sighed. “Paul …”
“I still love you, Elizabeth,” he said abruptly and I stopped short.
I stared into his bloodshot eyes and tried to muster up a little patience. I was not someone who held onto to anger, but with Paul it was hard not to. He had destroyed my sense of hope, my ability to believe, and all the optimism that had fueled my wild imagination. I remembered the day we’d gotten divorced. A part of me was relieved to be free of him but another part of me was in mourning for the girl I used to be. Because I knew then that she was gone and I was pretty sure she was not coming back.
“That doesn’t mean very much to me now, Paul,” I said softening my tone somewhat. “In fact, it didn’t really mean very much to me then, either. You can’t treat a person like crap and then say you love them. It’s a lie.”
“I was confused.”
“For two years?”
“I … yes. I just needed someone.”
“Someone?” I repeated incredulously. “You had me! And I would have been whatever you needed me to be. But you were too busy getting drunk and jealous and angry. You were too busy spreading rumors about me all over town.”
“I hated the way men used to look at you,” Paul said swaying towards me again. “I hate the way they look at you now. I can see it in their eyes: the want, the desire.”