by Naomi Niles
Doctor Towry was a middle aged, dark haired, and spectacled. She asked me a whole bunch of questions and took her time with me, which I appreciated.
“Let’s do a blood test,” she said at last. “Then we can really determine what’s wrong.”
“I work with kids,” I told her. “I probably caught something from one of them.”
“Hmm …” she said as though she didn’t think that was a possibility. “We’ll have to see.” Then she turned to me again just before she headed out of the room. “When was your last period?
“Two weeks ago,” I said.
She nodded and disappeared with my information. The moment she was gone, my mother appeared in the room. “I spoke to Maddie,” she said. “She’s on her way over here.”
“She didn’t need to come down.”
“I know, but she wanted to,” mom replied. “The diner’s close by in any case.”
Mom stood by my side as we waited for the doctor to return. She stroked my hair every now and then and it reminded me of when I was a child and we visited the pediatrician. I looked at my mother and saw the strong woman she was but I also realized that she had lived a lonely life after she had divorced my father.
“You never dated much, did you?” I asked abruptly making mom look at me in surprise.
“Why do you ask?”
“I was just thinking you never really had many boyfriends after dad,” I said.
“Once you left for college, I dated a little bit,” mom replied.
“But no one serious?”
“I realized that I liked being by myself,” mom replied surprisingly.
“Really?”
She laughed and grazed her fingers against my cheek. “Finding love is a wonderful feeling, but if it doesn’t come your way, why tie yourself to a man who you don’t love just because you’re scared to be alone? I was in my forties before I realized it, but at least I realized it.”
I smiled. “Good on you, ma.”
She returned the smile and then her phone started ringing. “It’s Maddie,” she told me before she answered the phone. Mom told Maddie what room we were in and a few moments later, the door opened and she walked in.
“Lizzie,” she said the moment she saw me. “Are you ok? What happened?”
“Honestly, I have no idea,” I replied. “I just started heaving my guts out this morning and then I felt kind of lifeless.”
“Did you catch something from school?” Maddie asked.
“That’s what I suspect too,” I said. “We’ll see. They’re running my blood work now.”
A minute later Doctor Towry walked through the door with a clipboard in hand. She smiled at all three of us and I instantly felt better. If it had been anything serious she wouldn’t have smiled I told myself.
“Did you find anything?” mom asked immediately.
“Something did turn up,” doctor Towry replied. “It’s as I suspected.”
“What is it?” I asked impatiently.
Doctor Towry looked up at me and smiled. “Congratulations are in order,” she said. “You’re pregnant.”
I just stared at her for a second wondering if this was some strange doctor joke of hers. I could feel the shock wafting off of mom and Maddie. Their eyes were on me but I kept my eyes firmly on Doctor Towry. “Excuse me?” I asked slowly.
“You’re pregnant, Elizabeth,” she repeated again. “You’re almost eight weeks along at this point—”
“Wait,” I said abruptly cutting her off. “Hold on; how on earth can I be pregnant?”
“Does that mean you were on some form of contraception?” Doctor Towry asked calmly.
“Well … no,” I said shaking my head. “But like I told you, I got my period a few weeks ago.”
“Two weeks ago you said?”
“Yes.”
“How was the flow?” Doctor Towry asked. “Was it heavy or just spotting?”
“Well … it was closer to spotting, I suppose,” I said trying to remember. “But I never have a very heavy flow, in any case.”
“Well, pregnant women sometimes do get a small amount of blood,” Doctor Towry said patiently. “It doesn’t mean anything is wrong. It’s just a natural occurrence.”
“So you’re saying …?”
“You’re definitely pregnant Elizabeth,” Doctor Towry said gently. “There’s not even a little bit of doubt here.”
I just stared at her.
“Would you like a minute?” she asked thoughtfully glancing at the shock written on all our faces.
“Please,” I nodded and she left us to the room again. I glanced at my mother and Maddie and they were looking at me with a million questions in their eyes. Apart from the shock, however, I registered another emotion that I was surprised to see.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Nothing dear, it’s just … who is the father?” mom asked tentatively.
I glanced between Maddie and mom and pulled my eyebrows together. “Who do you think the father is?” I demanded without understanding.
“Lizzie,” Maddie said carefully. “Please don’t tell me it’s Paul’s”
“What!” I gasped. “How on Earth could you think that?”
“I don’t know,” Maddie said quickly. “It’s just that, I know he’s been trying to reach out to you … I didn’t know whether—”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I said cutting her off. “This is not Paul’s baby.”
“Good,” mom said putting a hand on my shoulder to calm me down. “Then whose is it?”
And there it was: I was faced with the truth of my circumstances and I could barely believe it. I shook my head for a moment. This was the first time I had to think about the father of my child. “It’s Dylan’s,” I said, my voice shaking slightly. “It’s Dylan’s.”
“Oh my God,” Maddie breathed slowly and I felt myself shake.
“I can’t believe this is happening,” I said.
“Shhh, darling,” mom said as she leaned in and hugged me. “It’s going to be all right.”
I knew she was telling me what I wanted to hear. I could feel it in her voice. She was as unsure and as shocked as I was, but she had to be the mother now because I needed her to be. I leaned in to her and allowed myself to be comforted even though fear was coursing through my body relentlessly.
I just lay there against my mother’s shoulder for a few minutes and then I straightened up, knowing I would have to face this new reality sooner rather than later. I looked towards Maddie and she gave me a small unsure smile.
“Are you ok Lizzie?” she asked with concern and I knew that all she wanted in that moment was to know if this news was happy news for me or not.
The moment I realized that I was forced with deciding on the answer. I didn’t think, I just let myself feel and the instinctive response my body had … was joy. I let that sit for a moment and then I nodded. “I’m ok,” I nodded slowly. “I think I’m doing all right, actually.”
“This wasn’t planned, was it?” mom asked tentatively.
“No, it wasn’t,” I sighed.
“Did you use protection?” Maddie asked.
I thought back to the last time Dylan and I had had sex. He hadn’t had a condom on him and I had assured him it would be all right because I’d just had my period. I gave myself an internal kick and shook my head. “I … no we didn’t.”
“Oh, Lizzie,” mom said looking at me with surprise and I knew she couldn’t believe that I had been so childish about the whole thing. I felt like I was in high school all over again.
“What are you going to do?” Maddie asked.
I let the question whiz around in my head a while but I already had the answer. There was no doubt about what I would do. I knew I was keeping this baby. It might not have been what I planned or envisioned for myself, but it was the hand I had been dealt and I was going to take it as a blessing and nothing else.
“What I’m going to do at this moment is go home and rest,”
I said, avoiding the bigger question. “I still feel tired.”
“Good idea,” mom said as she helped me off my seat and we left the room.
Doctor Towry was just outside the room and she turned to me. “Is everything ok, Elizabeth?” she asked with concern.
“I’m fine, doctor, thank you,” I said. “I think I’m going to head home now.”
“Of course,” Doctor Towry nodded. “I think it would be a good idea to set up an appointment a little later in the week, though. You might want to discuss a few things, plus there are some prenatal vitamins you’ll want to start taking.”
“That sounds good, doctor,” I said. “I’ll do that once I let this sink in a bit first.”
The doctor smiled with understanding and I left the hospital with mom and Maddie. They drove me to my apartment and I collapsed immediately onto the sofa. All my symptoms suddenly made sense and that made me feel instantly better, as though everything was manageable now that I knew the reason for them.
“Can I get you something, dear?” mom asked.
“Something to drink,” I suggested as Maddie propped my feet up onto a cushion.
Mom brought me some water and she and Maddie sat around me. I could see all the questions they wanted to ask but neither one wanted to push or upset me. They watched me silently, waiting for me to start the conversation.
“It’s ok guys,” I said once I had finished my glass of water. “You can ask me anything.”
“Are you going to keep the baby?” Maddie asked first.
“Yes,” I said without hesitation. “It never even crossed my mind not to have this baby. I know I didn’t plan for this, but now that it’s happened, I’ve never wanted anything more.”
Mom and Maddie both smiled at my words. “Well then, congratulations, Lizzie,” Maddie said fervently as she reached out and took my hand. “I’m happy for you.”
Mom put her arm around my shoulders and kissed me gently on the cheek. “I can’t believe I’m going to be a grandmother; it’s surreal.”
“For me too,” I nodded. “I can’t believe this is happening.”
“So … Dylan?” Maddie said cautiously. “He’s definitely the father?”
“Definitely,” I nodded. “There are no two words about it.”
“When are you going to tell him?” mom asked.
The moment she asked the question I felt my insides church uncomfortably and I knew that I had come to the most difficult part of this whole situation. I felt another bout of nausea overtake me and I had to stand up again.
“I think I’m going to be sick again,” I said as I ran to the bathroom.
They tried to follow me but I closed the bathroom door and threw up. Once I was done, I flushed and washed out my mouth. I leaned against the sink as I stared at my reflection in the mirror. Dylan … he was the father and he had a right to know but I also knew that he didn’t want a child—not now at least.
He was still a Navy SEAL and his first and foremost duty was to his country. I didn’t want to disrupt his life and his plans simply because I had made a bad call in a moment of passion. I recalled the conversation we had had about Dylan’s dream to open up a rehabilitation center for retired war veterans. I recalled how his eyes had lit up when he had spoken about this dream.
He had a goal for himself, he was striving for something that he wanted to achieve on his own. It was born out of his passions, his dreams, and his life experience and I didn’t want to trespass on it.
I knew that if I told Dylan I was pregnant then he would somehow and some way come down to Bastrop immediately. He would commit himself to me and commit himself to being a father. He would never make me feel as though he didn’t want to be there, but I would always know in the back of my mind that this wasn’t what he had chosen.
He had been forced into it. Life had stepped in and made the choice for him and what I wanted most of all was for Dylan to be able to make his own choices, free from responsibilities that had been thrust upon him.
Unconsciously, my hand fell over my stomach and I tried to concentrate. I tried to feel the presence of my child inside me. Slowly, I pulled up my blouse and stared at my belly; it was flat and there was no indication of pregnancy about me at all. Apart from the nausea, the slight fever, and the doctor’s confirmation, I might not have believed I was pregnant at all.
When I walked back out of the bathroom my mind was made up and I knew I needed to see this through. I sat back down on the sofa, avoiding mom and Maddie’s eyes.
“Are you ok?” mom asked.
“I’m fine,” I said. “I guess I’m going to have to get used to this. How long does this part last?”
Mom smiled. “It’s different for every woman; it could last a few days or a few months, depending on the pregnancy.”
“Geez,” I sighed. “Did you have bad morning sickness?”
“I never had morning sickness,” mom replied. “I didn’t throw up once when I was pregnant with you.”
“Not even once?” Maddie asked in amazement.
“No,” mom replied shaking her head.
“Wow, that’s the kind of pregnancy I’m hoping for,” Maddie said.
Then mom turned to me again and I knew a serious question was on the brink of being asked. I steeled myself in preparation and waited.
“When are you going to tell Dylan?”
I sighed and took a deep breath. “I’m not going to tell Dylan at all, mom,” I said and I could feel the disapproval waft off of her.
“Lizzie …”
“I know what you’re thinking,” I said before she could continue. “He deserves to know but in this case, I know what’s best for him.”
“You think keeping this from him is what’s best for him?” Maddie asked with muted incredulity.
“He has plans for his life,” I said trying to explain. “He has dreams and I know him; he’s going to see them through. I don’t want to disrupt that. I don’t want to disrupt his life.”
“So what?” Maddie asked. “Why can’t he do both? He can be a father and follow through with his dreams.”
“That’s the thing,” I said imploringly. “He doesn’t want to be a father right now. He told me so himself; he wants time to get things straight in his head before he can commit to marriage or kids. He’s been through a lot over there and I don’t think he’s in the right headspace for a child.”
“Elizabeth …” my mother’s voice was gentle and soft. “I know you think you have the right to decide for him, but this is as much his child as it is yours. What happens if he finds out later? How do you think that will make him feel?”
“Well … I …”
“Do you really want him to miss out on his child’s life?” mom went on. “Do you really want your child to grow up without a father?"
“That’s not fair,” I said defensively. “You and dad were married until I was a teenager and I still felt as though I didn’t have a father most of the time. He was never around even when he lived with us, and when he finally moved out, after the dust had settled, I barely noticed.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I didn’t suffer because of it,” I said. “I turned out all right despite not having a father figure in my life.”
“There’s a difference though,” Maddie cut in. “Your father just didn’t know how to be a dad. Dylan will want to do better; he’ll want to be a good father.”
“At the expense of the life he had envisioned for himself?” I asked. “We’ve been through so much together. We had this beautiful love story in school but then we took different paths and we still weren’t able to be happy because we were so tied to each other in so many ways. It’s time for Dylan to have the life he wants and it’s time for me to try and achieve the same thing. I appreciate all your advice and support, but this is my decision. Dylan has moved on. He left Bastrop and he left me. I don’t want him coming back just because I’m pregnant. I couldn’t bare that.”
Maddie
and mom exchanged a glance and I could tell that they knew there was nothing more they could say to me. I excused myself after a moment and went to my room. I slipped underneath my covers and closed my eyes as I travelled back in time twelve years into the past to when I was sixteen, Dylan was by my side, and everything had been simple.
Chapter Thirty-One
Dylan
Two Months Later
The air felt different in Bastrop. I used to think it had a slightly claustrophobic tenor when I was a teenager, but now it felt more like freedom. I was old enough to realize now that it had nothing to do with the air and everything to do with me. I was different now, I was older, and hopefully that meant I would do better this time.
I got off the tarmac and walked into the airport. It took me an hour to get through baggage claim and when I had finally got all my bags together, I moved towards the main exit where I knew Tyler was waiting for me. I saw him the moment the sliding doors parted. He was a little warmer than usual and he stepped forward and embraced me willingly enough.
Our relationship was still a work in progress, but we had been doing better than before. It wasn’t like we had had much communication in the last four months, but he had dropped me a short message a few weeks after my deployment. All it said was, ‘Hope you’re doing ok, mom’s fine, and I’m all moved in,’ but I appreciated it all the same. It was more than he would have done a few years ago.
I had messaged him back with a text that was equally as short but a few days later I had got a reply. We had continued in that vein over the next few months and even though the string of texts put together could barely constitute a conversation, it was something.
My communication with Lizzie, however, had come to an abrupt stop a few months ago. I had written to her a few times, short emails with little detail but I had been sure she would keep replying. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, she stopped answering back and I stopped hearing from her altogether. There was no explanation and no excuse: just silence. A part of me wondered if this was payback. If this was Lizzie’s way of showing me what my silence all those years ago had meant to her.
“Hi, bro,” I said as Tyler and I broke off our awkward hug. “How are things?”