by Naomi Niles
“Do I have a choice?”
“Yes, you have a choice. You’re eighteen. Even if you can’t get financial aid, you can choose where you live.”
“You’d let me stay?”
I didn’t want to leave the Dean household. It was the most stable environment I’d ever been in. I knew where I was going to sleep each night. I knew that I wasn’t going to be hungry. And if I was, the kitchen was stocked. No need to dumpster dive. I had hit the lottery when I chose Mr. Dean’s car to steal.
“Of course, Dylan. It’s your choice, but if you stay, I need something that says I’m your guardian. I don’t know exactly what you call it, but it means that I’m taking care of you financially.”
The waitress put our burgers in front of us. I didn’t know what to say. “You’d do that? I just assumed that once my mother was out, you’d want me back with her.”
“At this point, Dylan, you might as well stay until you graduate. Unless you don’t want to stay?”
“Of course, I want to stay. My life is so different, and I can get my homework done. And don’t have to worry about anyone stealing my stuff because I didn’t lock my bedroom door.”
“That happened?”
“Yes.”
I took a bite of my burger, embarrassed that I had shared that with him. He wouldn’t judge, but I was still ashamed. I wondered if I would ever stop feeling that way.
“That sucks, Dylan. I can see why you don’t want to go back. You don’t miss your mother?”
“No, I don’t.” I put down my burger. “This might sound strange, but my mother never had my back. You do. Taylor does.”
“My wife does also, in her own way.”
“She did take care of me while I had my concussion,” I agreed.
Mr. Dean nodded. “She did. She’ll come around, I promise. Your mother never had your back?”
“No. If something happened, she always sided against me.”
“That’s not right.”
“I didn’t think so, but that was all I knew.”
“Well, I have your back. We all do, Dylan. Never worry about that. I will also be forever grateful for what you did for Taylor. She’s naïve and that’s my fault. I never warned her well enough about guys like Greg.”
“She hasn’t seen the darker side of life.”
“No, but we always want better for our kids. At least, parents should.”
I hadn’t had a chance to talk like this to Mr. Dean before. I was enjoying my evening. This might be the best day I’ve ever had in my life – I had the man across the table to thank for that. “I don’t see myself having children, but if I did, I’d want them to know that I was always there for them.”
Mr. Dean slapped me on the back. “You’ve got a long time before you have to think about kids.”
***
Two days later, I picked my mother up from the rehab facility. She looked better than I’d seen her look in years. I didn’t know yet how I was going to tell her that I wasn’t coming back. She might be devastated, and I’d feel guilty.
Or she might be happy, and then I’d feel like shit. It was a bad situation either way. I borrowed Taylor’s car. Mr. Dean had suggested it and asked her. I still wasn’t talking to her, and she was giving me space. Or she didn’t give a shit. I didn’t know which one it was.
Not my problem. She needed to apologize, not me.
I grabbed my mother’s suitcase while an aide wheeled her to the door.
“I’m so excited to be out of there, Dylan. It got so boring.”
I had no idea how she was going to pay for it all. I’d expected her to be thrown out sooner since she didn’t have any insurance. To my surprise, they let her stay. The bills were her problem, but I felt at least partly responsible.
Mr. Dean said that I shouldn’t worry about it. This was her issue and I shouldn’t let her hold me back.
But she was my mother, and I was almost regretting my decision to stay with the Deans. But I’d tasted the good life, and I didn’t want to go back to the trailer. I didn’t want to go back to that life.
I had plans now. Plans to go to college and make something of myself. I could be an engineer, my guidance counselor said.
“You’re very quiet, Dylan. Aren’t you glad to see me?”
“Of course, Mom.”
I helped her into the car, then I put her suitcase in the trunk. Should I tell her now? Or wait until we arrived at the trailer? I wondered Mr. Dean hadn’t given me any guidance on it, but told me that it was up to me.
“Whose car is this?”
“It’s Taylor’s. She is Mr. Dean’s daughter. It was the only one available today to bring you home.”
“The Deans have been good to you.”
“They have.”
I didn’t know how much of my new life to share. This seemed like a touchy subject and it might push her back onto drugs. But I was also pissed at her. Now that I’d experienced people who care, I didn’t understand why she didn’t.
She said she did, but her actions said something else. I had to remember that. I couldn’t trust her. I could trust the Deans. They were my new family.
“I can’t wait to sleep in my own bed.”
I turned down the driveway. My breath caught in my throat. I hadn’t been back since a day after my mother had been taken away in an ambulance when Mr. Dean had brought me back to get some clothing.
The place looked exactly the same. Nothing had miraculously happened to make it better. It might have even looked worse.
What little lawn there was hadn’t been mowed.
“Home sweet hovel,” my mother said.
I helped her out of the car, and she walked into the house. I grabbed the suitcase, reluctant to return to the place of my nightmares. I steeled myself.
It was even smaller and more cramped than I remember.
“You bought groceries,” my mother said.
“Mr. Dean stocked the refrigerator for you.”
She spun around to look at me. I stood in the doorway, not really wanting to enter. I felt as though if I did enter, I’d get sucked back into the vortex that was my mother’s life. I didn’t want that. I saw a future for myself. At least, a better one that I had before she’d been taken away.
“Then I guess I owe him a lot. He took care of you while I was gone and he bought me food. He must realize just how much you eat.”
As if she knew how much I ate. Most of the time there was no food in the house, so I found food elsewhere.
She finally looked at me. “You’ve filled out.”
It was all the food I was allowed to eat. All the food available, I thought of saying, but that seemed mean. It wasn’t her fault in some ways, but it really was. She couldn’t hold down a job because of her drinking. And the drugs. People stole from her.
I was of two minds and couldn’t decide what I should feel. I was so thankful for Mr. Dean, but I felt guilty leaving my mother. I wished he’d come with me today, but I understood that this was my decision.
The first of many difficult ones I’d make as a man, he said. I had a responsibility to her, but more so to myself since I was only eighteen. I was just starting out. Mr. Dean had said that it would be okay to be selfish right now. It would benefit me in the end.
But she was still family.
Maybe it would be easier for her if I wasn’t around.
“Mom, I have to tell you something.”
“Well, come in. It’s your house, too.”
I put down her suitcase and stepped a little closer. “I’m eighteen now.”
“I remember,” she said.
She eyed me, a small smile on her face, as if she was glad to see me. That made this that much harder. “I’m going to stay with the Deans.”
The smile fell off of her face. “Oh?”
“I think it’s a better environment for me.”
“Better than your mother?”
I nodded, not being able to say the words.
“How will I
stay sober for you?”
Mr. Dean had warned me that she would use guilt. “You have to stay sober on your own. It isn’t fair to make me part of it. I’m just eighteen.”
“Don’t you have to live with me?”
“No. I have a choice.”
“Clearly you’ve already made it.”
Chapter Eighteen
Taylor
I couldn’t stand it anymore. Dylan had been giving me the cold shoulder all weekend. Now it was Sunday afternoon, and I was ready to explode. I had hoped he would just calm down, but he was still not talking to me.
I really had to go through with my plan to buy him a present. Maybe that would make him accept my apology. My father did it for my mother all of the time – bought her flowers when he was in the doghouse.
I still had the list I’d photographed.
“Going to the store,” I called to my father, who was in the living room.
“Where to?”
I stopped next to his chair. “To an electronics store.”
“Why?”
“I’m going to buy Dylan something so he forgives me.”
My father chuckled. “I’m not sure that will work, but I admire your spirit. Have you apologized?”
“Yes.”
“Have you offered to go to his next tournament?”
“No, I haven’t.”
“A man wants to know that he’s supported, Taylor. That would go a long way to apologizing to him.”
“Okay. I’ll do that, too,” I said.
But I still wanted to go through with my plan. I thought it was a good one.
“Okay, kitten. Drive carefully.”
“I will, Daddy.”
I kissed him on the cheek. I drove to one of those big box stores. When I entered, I was already lost. I’d never built a computer. I wouldn’t even begin to know where to look for the parts. I finally stopped someone in a store shirt.
“Can you help me?”
He was older, probably college aged, and I looked younger than I was, so he got that look on his face that said he was going to hit on me. Just my luck. “Sure, I can help you. You looking for a new phone?”
“No.” I showed him the list, and I lied. “I’m looking to buy something for my boyfriend. This is the list of what he needs to build his computer.”
The smile only dimmed slightly. Cocky bastard. He was going to hit on me, anyway. I sighed.
“Okay. Let’s go over to the computer department and see what of these things we have.”
I followed him. He pointed to several of the things on the list. I looked at the prices. Thankfully, I didn’t have a budget. I didn’t spend that much money regularly so Daddy wouldn’t mind if I did this month.
I looked at each one carefully. “So, what will get him to his goal of building a computer, faster?”
He pointed out a few items. I chose them. “Thanks for your help.”
“What a great girlfriend you are to him,” the guy said as I went to pay for them.
“I am.”
I walked away, flattered that he was interested, but not really into him. He was cute, but my heart belonged to Dylan. Well, sort of. I’d been thinking about him a lot the last week, ever since he saved me.
I knew he was bringing his mother home today and my thoughts were with him. He was going to tell her that he was staying with us. I was glad. I might not get to see him as much, otherwise.
Then I went to another store to buy wrapping paper. I had no idea if we had any. I didn’t often wrap presents. I didn’t often buy presents, either. For my mom, sometimes. At Christmas, my parents had always done my shopping for me.
Maybe that should stop? Maybe it was time for me to take some responsibility.
If Dylan could do all he’d done in his life, then maybe I could step up. Then maybe my mother would listen to what I had to say about my future.
I bought some manly-looking paper then stopped for a coffee. Helena was working behind the counter.
“Hey, girl,” I said.
“What can I get you?”
“Just a coffee today. Nothing special,” I said. “I bought Dylan a present. He wants to build his own computer, and I bought him some part to help.”
“He still not talking to you?”
“No, and I hope this breaks the ice. I hate that he’s mad. I screwed up, but it isn’t the end of the world.”
She handed me a coffee. She rarely charged me. No one else was in the shop, so she could talk as she wiped down the counter.
“You really must have hurt his feelings.”
“I never think of a guy as being that sensitive.”
“Some are, but this was a big deal to him, Taylor. You shit on it.”
I frowned, feeling bad about it all over again. “I know. I know.”
“He may never forgive you.”
That would be awful. “I hope he does.”
“He also doesn’t know how much you are trying. You’ve never worked this hard to apologize.”
“I know. I’m not going to get any credit for it since he doesn’t know that I don’t normally do it.”
Helena laughed. “You know I love you, but it is karma.”
“Yeah, I know, but I’m trying to be better. Not as selfish. Dealing with Dylan has certainly opened my eyes.”
“He has been a good influence on you. I heard your dad took out a restraining order for Greg.”
“Yeah, he did. Greg has to change schools. He’s been expelled from ours, anyway.”
“That’s all scary stuff. I hope you’re okay,” she said.
She’d been by my side a lot, and I was grateful for such an amazing friend. “Why did you put up with me?”
Helena laughed again. “I don’t know. I guess I hoped you’d change.”
“Well, then I guess the wait was worth it. You’re a really good person, Helena. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“You’re going to make me cry.”
I hugged her. She really was the best friend anyone could have. “I better go. I want to have this wrapped before Dylan returns.”
***
I wondered what was taking Dylan so long. I was excited to give him his present. Maybe he decided to stay with his mother? That would be disappointing.
I paced my room. The present was wrapped and ready to go. I thought he’d like it, but was now second-guessing what I had chosen.
I called Helena.
“Hi. I think I may have bought the wrong thing.”
“Oh, stop, Taylor. He’ll love it. There is no guarantee that he is going to forgive you. You’re some girl who he is living with.”
“I’m hoping I’m at least his friend.”
“You haven’t been acting that way.”
“I know, but I’m trying to make up for it.”
“Relax, Taylor. He’ll love it. Just don’t get your hopes up that all will be forgotten. You really hurt him.”
“Did he tell you that?”
“He didn’t have do.”
I frowned. No one’s approval had ever been so important before. People sought me out for approval, not the other way around. This was a whole new concept for me.
“Wait, I heard the front door.”
“Don’t pounce on the poor guy,” Helena said.
“I’ll try not to.”
I disconnected the call as I looked out my bedroom door. I could hear Dylan and my Dad talking and wished they would hurry up. I wanted to get past this. I wanted to make things better.
I crept down the steps to listen.
“She was crying when I left. I feel like a heel,” Dylan said.
“Dylan, you have to take care of you. She’s proven that she can’t do it. As men, we have to make the hard choices. No one could fault you for choosing to live here. This is your best chance to get ahead.”
“I still feel as if I’ve done something wrong.”
“You haven’t. You can still visit. You aren’t turning your back on her, j
ust getting out of a toxic situation.”
“Why can’t I get her out of that situation?”
“Because she’s the parent. She’s the adult. She has to get herself out of it.”
I sat on the steps, my leg bouncing. As much as it was an interesting conversation, I wanted them to finish. I wanted to give Dylan his present.
“I don’t know, Mr. Dean. I’m feeling guilty.”
“She’s your mother. Of course, you would, but sometimes we have to be selfish. We have to take care of ourselves in order to take care of someone else.”
“Will the feeling go away? Will I eventually be okay with my decision?”
“I think you’ll be okay with your decision tomorrow. I mean it, Dylan. You made the right decision.”
“If I’d stayed with her, would you have talked me out of it?”
“No, son. It was your decision. You have ambition and that’s okay.”
“Thanks for your support, Mr. Dean.”
“You’re welcome. If there is anything I can do, let me know.”
Dylan left the living room and mounted the steps. I didn’t move. I wanted him to see me.
“Hi,” I said.
He grimaced. “Hello.”
He didn’t stop on his way up. Really? “Dylan.”
“What, Taylor?”
He didn’t look at me. Man, he really could stay mad for awhile. “Will you please talk to me?”
“Not now.”
He kept going. I put my hand on his leg when he reached me. “Please?”
“Not now, Taylor.”
“I have something for you.”
“I don’t want anything from you.”
Okay. That hurt. “I bought you something.”
“Again, not necessary. Let me go, Taylor.”
I frowned. “Please, Dylan.”
He moved down the steps so that he was eye level with me. “I’m not interested. Now let me pass.”
I put my hands in my lap. “I think you’ll like it.”
“Stop. Just stop.”
“Is everything okay up there?” my father said.
“Yes, Daddy.”
Dylan just frowned down at me. Why wouldn’t he let me give him a present?
“It’s okay, Mr. Dean,” Dylan said.
He walked past me. I must have made a face.
“Leave him alone, Taylor. He’s got some things on his mind.”