"Come on babe," he takes my hand and leads me out of my room. "Let's get out of here, you know she'll be back."
He doesn't seem fazed by her strange behavior at all. Me on the other hand, I'm pissed. And she does it every time the door is shut. If it’s not stamps, she's looking for her phone, or clothes. Anything she can think of. Instead of letting me simmer in anger, Brayden steals me away. During the day we go for a walk, but if its night time, he drives us to a dark isolated spot. Nothing ever happens. He doesn't even attempt more than some serious, mind blowing make-out sessions.
Brayden's house is no better. I don't even feel comfortable being in his house. I feel his mother's eyes on me. She's always cordial and polite, but I get this uncomfortable feeling, like she knows the thoughts I'm having about her son and she disapproves. Big time. Brayden laughs it off and tells me I'm paranoid. What he doesn't understand is that just because you think the world is out to get you, doesn't mean it's not.
*
The first warm Friday night in March, Brayden tells me to dress comfortably, we're going out. I have no idea that "going out" literally means we'll be outside.
"Where are we going?" I ask as his hand moves from the steering wheel to the top of my thigh.
"Where we can spend some time alone."
"Alone?"
He turns his head slightly in my direction and smiles, "Alone."
I want to jump up and cheer. Since my sister has made it her business to be so nosy and annoying, even the thought of trying to be alone frustrates me. Only three weeks passed since we had sex, but it feels like three months. We waited to be together, now I'm done with waiting. All I can think about is the next time, and how amazing it will be. It isn't until Brayden parks the car on the street outside the playground that I realize this is our destination.
"Here?"
"Here." He smiles.
Not sure what to make of this I don't move. I stay in my seat. It's not until Brayden opens the trunk and starts rummaging around in it that I get out. Once I reach him, Brayden hands me a couple of blankets before closing the trunk and locking the car. Pulling his phone from his pocket, he uses it as a flashlight, takes my free hand, and leads the way up to the clubhouse where we first kissed. He lays a blanket on the wood floor of the apparatus and sits.
"Care to join me?" He extends his hand.
I look around. It's dark, really dark, I don't see or hear any cars, just the rustling of the wind.
"Sure." I sit down next to him. I'm barely settled before I feel him lean across me, his hand is under my shirt, just above my hip. I want him to move it up and over. I want him to touch me in all the spots my body is aching to feel him. While I'm focusing on his hand, his lips press hard against mine. I don't care that we're out in the open, exposed. I'm willing to risk getting caught. I lift his shirt, I want to run my fingers across the muscles in his stomach, but he pulls away.
"What's wrong?" I ask.
"Nothing."
I meet his lips again. We get lost in the kiss and I try once more to lift his shirt. Brayden takes my hands and leans into me so that I move back and lie flat on the floor. He's on his side, and his fingers move to my hair, over my shoulder, down my arm. He isn't looking at me, and I'm confused. He reaches behind me and grabs a second blanket. It's already folded up, but he folds it one more time and gently places it under my head.
"I thought it would be nice," he says reaching for the third and final blanket. He opens it and tosses it over us. "If we could just lay here and look up at the stars."
We can't look directly up and see them, but if we look out to the side, there's a beautiful spray of stars across the inky, black sky.
"You want to star gaze?"
"I want to hold you against me while you star gaze and I look at you. I want to kiss you, or touch you, without worrying that someone's going to interrupt us and set you off."
"Gee thanks."
He laughs. "Go ahead, tell me it doesn't drive you insane when your sister comes knocking on your door."
"She should know better. If I would've done that when she was dating Mike, she would've kicked my ass."
"Don't you think that's the point?"
"You think she wants me to kick her ass?"
He squeezes me close to him. "The point is, she used to do it with Mike, so she knows exactly what's going on, or trying to go on, behind the closed door."
"And you're okay with this? with her sabotaging every . . ."
His lips meet mine, but I think it’s just to shut me up. It works, because I can't think of anything but the feelings his kiss stirs up inside me.
"She's not sabotaging anything," he whispers. His eyes cast down. "Can we forget her and enjoy the quiet time together?"
"Of course." I smile, and with my hand under the blanket, I reach down. Brayden closes his eyes and moans. "Kenzie." My name is little more than a whisper carried from his lips.
With one hand I unbuckle his pants. "I wanted to do this the first time we kissed, but you wouldn't let me."
"Don't. I didn't bring you here for this. Just talk to me."
I narrow my eyes at him. "Can I talk and touch?"
After a deep breath he answers. "Yes. As long as you don't stop talking."
"Do you want me to talk dirty, or did you have something else in mind?"
"You've never really been clear on what your plans are. I mean after college."
I stop touching and sit up. I don't like thinking about college, or life after. I have no idea what I want to do. None. I have no skills, nothing I'm good at, nothing that really holds my interest. All it does is remind me that in less than six months we won't be together anymore.
"Hey," he sits up and slings his arm around my shoulder. "What just happened?"
"Nothing. I just don't like thinking about the future."
"Why not?"
I shrug, and he pulls me back down to a laying position. This time I rest my head on his chest.
"Ok, I'll go first."
"You don't have to Mr. Future NFL star."
"Yeah, I guess that is what you'd think. It's all anyone can see."
I don't miss the hurt and disappointment in his voice. I move away and lean my head on my elbow as I look at him. "Why do you sound like I just kicked you in the shin?"
"There's more to me than just football."
"Trust me, I know." I trace his bottom lip with my pointer finger.
"I'm serious, Kenzie," he pulls my hand away and holds it. "What if I just want a normal life, with you as my wife and a couple of kids running after me when I get home from my nice, boring job."
"Like what?" I smile. "Have you ever thought about what you'd want to do if football doesn't work out?"
"All the time. Sometimes I think I'd like to be a police officer, or an accountant, I'm good with numbers and finding loopholes."
"You're too smart for that, you'd need something more challenging like . . ."
"I really like the idea of forensics. I'd like to be one of those guys you see on CSI."
"Well I don't think you really have a choice. You've been groomed for football."
"I know."
"And you're so good at it."
He doesn't say anything for a long while. He just stares at me.
"Would you still love me if I quit?" He almost sounds like he's playing, but I don't think he is. There's something serious in his voice.
I wriggle my way on top of him, and meet his lips. "I'll always love you, No matter what you do or where you are. You're a heart thief. You stole mine, and now it belongs to you."
The conversation ends. No more talk about our dreams, or the future. He let me off the hook, and I wonder if he did that on purpose, or if he forgot. It doesn't matter, we're alone together, and knowing how rare these moments are, we take advantage of the here and now. Within minutes, he's on top of me and all conscious thoughts are lost to the actions taking place under the blanket.
*
Spring races by. Th
e more time we spend together, the faster the days pass. It feels like I'm in a time continuum vortex that speeds up each day to supersonic levels. It's a force I fall victim to. No matter how hard I thrash and kick, my efforts to slow life down are futile.
The rain pounds against the gymnasium ceiling. Some graduation day. The clouds in the sky have been dark and threatening all day. The crashing thunder starts as we enter the school building. At the last minute the administration decided not to risk having the ceremony outdoors. I don't care either way. The sticky, oppressive humidity still causes the robe I'm wearing over my sleeveless dress to cling to my skin.
I sit and tune out the speakers. Who cares what they have to say? It's not like their wondrous advice will apply to my life. Maybe it would have if I had a chance at a real school and a real life. As long as I'm tethered to this narrow-minded town, just like the bulk of its residents, I'm going nowhere fast.
I didn't want to come to the ceremony, but my parents insist it's something I'll cherish and want to remember. I don't. Not now. Not ever. I don't want to commemorate this moment or commit it to memory. I want to deny it, forget it. Pretend it isn't real.
I understand the meaning behind it. This is the moment before the timer buzzes and it all comes to an end. Before everyone leaves me treading water in their wake. It's not something to celebrate at all.
Before I know it the commencement is over. As a group we are asked to stand. The tassel is lifted from the right side of the cap and moved over to the left. We are officially graduates. Caps fly into the air and the gymnasium erupts in cheers. Everyone around me is happy.
Everyone but me.
I want out of here. Out of the building, and away from prying eyes. I want to be left alone so I could cry and mourn all that I'm putting behind me: everything high school meant to me.
My hopes.
My dreams.
My future.
Before I make it to my parents, arms reach around my waist and turn me around.
"You're not getting away that easy."
Brayden. I look into his eyes and find the strength to mask my emotions. It's easy to smile when I look at him.
"And why not?"
"Pictures of course."
Flashes are going off all around us. Even with the digital cameras and smart phones people use the annoying flashes. There's no time to get out of the way before Olivia comes bounding into me. I stumble backward, but Brayden's strong arms hold me up and secure me.
"I love you!" Olivia acting out of sorts, grabs my face and presses her lips against my cheek. "I love you so much, Kenzie."
"Oh yeah?" Brayden teases. "How much do you love her? Enough to let Josh and me watch?"
I slap his chest. "Pervert!"
He laughs. "Hey, she's the one that kissed you."
Before I know it, we're surrounded by Brayden's friends. Parents make their way over, and the barrage of flashes coupled with the orders being shouted at us give me sympathy for stars hounded by paparazzi.
"I'll pick you up at ten?" he asks before we part.
I shrug.
"It's graduation night, and there's no one I rather spend it with than you."
My stomach twists. I force a smile on my face. "Sure. I can't wait."
As the building empties out and we head for the car, the rain has slowed. Still large, heavy drops fall from the sky. I can't help but think even the universe is crying for me.
*
We've been at Carlos' house for all of twenty minutes and already I want to leave. I feel like shit. I want to be happy. I want to laugh and cheer and spray beer on my friends too, but my heart isn't in it, and I can't seem to fake it.
I don't want to bring Brayden down. He's bursting with energy. They all are. I haven't seen the guys this happy and rowdy since the first game of the season. I think if I go outside for some fresh air I might be able to pull myself together.
"So is this what you do?" I cringe at the voice, and hope it's aimed at someone other than me, but I have no such luck. "You come out here and play the damsel in distress hoping someone will follow and rescue you?"
"I don't need to be rescued, Scott. I just want some fresh air."
"That's what you think. Give it some time, Kenzie. Once he's away at college and dumps your ass you'll be begging . . ."
"Shut up!"
I snap my head to the left to find Brayden approaching.
"What is your fucking problem Scott? She didn't want you because you were an obnoxious pig. You want to keep proving that's all you'll ever be?"
Scott looks me over from head to toe with a sarcastic smirk, "I gave her what she wanted, and I treated her the way she deserved to be treated."
I jump in front of Brayden as he lurches for Scott. I place my hands on his chest and press lightly, wanting to back him up. I thought things were better between them, I guess I was wrong.
"You know what, seeing how whipped you are, I'm glad I was smart enough to leave her groveling on her knees."
I place my hands on each of Brayden's cheeks. I need to diffuse the situation.
"Look at me," Brayden peels my hands off him. I close my fingers tight around his, "Let him go."
He shakes his head. I understand he wants to defend me, but he needs to realize he doesn't have to. Scott doesn't matter to me, he never did.
"How do I let him say that about you?"
I shrug. "I don't care what he says about me. You're here with your friends, you should be celebrating, not letting Scott piss you off."
He brushes a piece of hair back behind my ear. "I'd rather be celebrating with you. Why are you out here?"
"I'm sorry." I lean into him and rest my head against his chest. "I just needed a minute."
"Don't be sorry. Tell me what's wrong."
"It's nothing."
"Kenzie," he pulls away and looks down into my eyes. "Don't lie."
"I'm just nostalgic I guess."
He kisses my nose, "I know you're worried, about school, I promise we're going to be fine."
I don't say anything.
"I mean it, Kenzie."
"I know you think you mean that but you can't possibly . . ."
"Hey, I mean it. End of story." He tilts my head up and presses his lips against mine. "Besides all I ever hear is how I'm just like my father, and he married his high school sweetheart."
"Really? Your parents met in high school?"
He smiles down at me and nods. "Yep. And they weren't much older than us when they got married."
"I bet he didn't leave her to go away to college." I regret the words as they spill out of my mouth. I don't want him to feel bad, and I don't want to guilt him into doing something stupid.
"I promise, Kenzie . . ."
I place my pointer and middle finger over his lips. "I'm sorry, Brayden. I don't mean to bring you down. I'll be fine. I promise."
He squeezes me tight. "Here's the thing, Kenzie. Today we passed a milestone. It brings us one day closer to the next one. And after that it won't be long until I put a ring on your finger and promise to devote the rest of my life to you. And I will marry you. I will make you happy. You just need to believe. Believe in us. Believe in me."
For the moment, I close my eyes and allow his words to sink into my head, and into my heart. Right along with his promises I even allow in the tiniest piece of hope.
Chapter 9
Our First Goodbye
Even with the air conditioner on, the mid July heat is sticky and stifling. I can't wait for the heat wave to end so I can feel human again. At least I don't have to do anything outdoors. I can stay in the comfort of air-conditioning for most of my day. I hope it breaks before Brayden leaves for school. I'd hate for him to have to practice in full gear in oppressive weather like this. Knowing he'll be gone soon wrings my heart. It’s a fact I don't want to face, but deep down I know I can't hide from it any longer.
We're sitting in Brayden's car, the air thick with tension. We both know it's time to say goodn
ight. For the moment, only I know it's goodbye as well. I stare at him, trying to get my fill, hoping to memorize every nuance of his face: his long lashes, delicious lips, and his smile that lights the night sky.
"I know there's something wrong, I can see it in your eyes so why don't you fess up and tell me what's going on."
I hesitate and consider aborting my plan for the moment. I fast forward our relationship to some point in the future. A time when he's playing professionally and we're married. I think of how happy I'll be, wrapped up in our own world. And then I add a couple of kids to the image. I'll be stuck at home while he's traveling from city to city. Instead of me in his bed, I'll be replaced by drunk and stoned groupies throwing themselves at him. Girls and women who can follow him and will be happy to live out his every fantasy and then some. Young pretty girls with no responsibilities, free to party all night long. It's not a far jump until I look for something to numb the pain. Until I go down the same path as my sister.
"It's you, Brayden. I mean not you, but the circumstances. You're leaving for school."
"I won't be far." He rests his hand at the bottom of my neck and strokes my skin with his thumb. I push from my mind the warmth spreading through me, the tiny bumps that cover my skin at his touch. "I'll come home as often as I can. And you can come stay over, any time you want."
I shake my head, take his hand off my neck and hold it instead. I think better that way. "It won’t work. My parents won’t let me stay over. If I was away at school they wouldn't have a say, but now that I'm stuck here . . ."
"We'll talk all the time. Nothing has to change."
"Everything has to change."
"But we don't have to change with it."
"We don't have a choice. You finally get to be one of the guys instead of the one policing them. Just go and have fun without anyone holding you back."
"You won't hold me back."
"Then maybe you'll hold me back. Maybe I want to take advantage of what-ever college experience I can grasp."
"That's bullshit and you know it."
I know I have to dig down deep inside and force him to let go.
"I'm serious. I don't want to start college tied down."
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