I know I hurt him. I never meant to. I need to fix this, to fix us. I vow to myself on the drive to my house that I will never let anything like this happen again. I will never let him question my love for him or if we belong together.
I pull into my driveway, but his car isn't there. Just to be sure, I go inside the house and call his name. There's no answer. My heart thrums against my chest. Not because I'm worried he went to find comfort in someone else's arms. My imagination would have run there a few months back, but not now. Now I'm in a panic because he's hurting. Because he thinks I don't want him in my life.
My next stop is his parents’ house. Again, his car is nowhere to be seen. Still I get out and ring the doorbell. No one answers. I text Carlos to see if Brayden's answered him, but he hasn't.
I sit in the car, head in my hands, and think. Where can he be? I consider driving to his school and checking his dorm room, but it would take too long if I'm wrong. And then it comes to me. He's seeking comfort at the one place he was never rejected. The one place he's most confident. I put the car in gear and head to the place where he feels in control. I drive to the high school football field.
There's no sign of him. I start to think I might never find him. I want to lean my head against the steering wheel and cry. THINK! My heart hammers against my chest and a thought pops into my head. I know I'm right. I know where I'll find him!
I remember how lost and hopeless I felt when I asked him to meet me there. How I hated myself for being weak and breaking down before he arrived. I park the car in the lot outside of the playground area.
He's sitting on a swing feeding the birds. I want to sprint the short distance over to him, but I can't. My bruised and battered body won't allow me to. I need to make sure I'm physically strong enough to convince him I can handle this emotionally.
My heart takes off at warp speed; the closer I get to him, the faster it pounds, like a jack-hammer. I think he'll look up as I get closer, but he doesn't. He sits with a bag of sunflower seeds, tossing them out for the birds, while silently stewing.
Slowly I lower myself onto the sling swing next him. I wait for him to turn and look at me, but he doesn't. Instead he leans forward, with his elbows on his knees, as if like a magnet, I'm repulsing him and pushing him away. But the thing about magnets is if you give them a slight adjustment, turn them just enough, their pull of attraction is so strong, it forces them together taking out anything in their way.
"I'm sorry. I should never have insisted you keep the baby."
I'm shocked to hear him speak. I wasn't sure he even knew I was there.
"Don't be. I'm not."
He peeks at me from the corner of his eye and tosses a few seeds out in front of him.
"I missed you today."
He shakes his head. "It's better I stayed away. I screwed your life up enough already."
If nothing else we always a strong physical relationship. That's why he needed to see me, to kiss me to know if I still loved him. Even simple touches between us betrayed the feelings we tried to keep hidden beneath the surface. I need to be close to him. I need to touch him. I reach my hand out and place it on his shoulder, wondering if he's going to pull away.
"It wasn't just about Julian." In an attempt to ease the unyielding ache in my heart I reach for the chain attached to his swing and pull him close. Once I can reach I stretch my hand out to his cheek, and turn his face toward me. "It was always about you."
"I asked Father Mario for an annulment. He said no, but I'm sure if you ask him, he'll reconsider. I think he has a soft spot for you."
"I won't."
There is so much emotion and turmoil in his large brown eyes, I want to cry. "Why not? It's for the best. Why continue with the charade?"
I don't know if he's trying to hurt me, but I'm not going to give him a reason to give up on me. Not today.
"We are not a charade. You know that."
He turns away from me. "All we did was compound one mistake on top of another."
"No." I turn his face toward me again and hold it with both hands. "Julian was not a mistake, and neither are we."
"Come on, Kenzie, neither one of us wanted a baby. It's not like we tried to have him."
"I've been thinking about this a lot. Not just now, but for the last few months. You're right; we didn't try to have him. In fact, we did everything to not have him. I broke up with you because I was afraid you'd find someone else and I'd have my heart broken. It didn't make hearing about you and Alana any easier."
He opens his mouth to speak. I press my pointer and middle fingers to his lips. "I know. It was my own fault. And it's okay, I promise. Even still, we couldn't keep away from each other or keep our hands off each other. You used a condom. The very one your grandmother gave you to avoid exactly that situation. And he was conceived anyway. Don't you see? He was meant to be in our lives."
The hard set of his jaw softens ever so slightly. I can see I'm getting through to him.
"We were on the wrong track. He helped us change direction and get back to the paths we were supposed to be on."
"You don't really believe that."
"Yes. I do. He brought us back together." I reach out and squeeze his hand, the big strong hand he's extended to me time and time again. "Julian gave you the courage to stand up to your father and tell him football is not your future. And he gave me a reason to get to know my sister. I think about how far apart Jess and I were, and where we are now, aside from you, she's my best friend. I owe so much to Julian. I don't regret him, or you, or any of it. Not for one minute."
Brayden stands, looks down at our joined hands, and reaches the other one behind my neck. He leans toward me, his eyes piercing mine. They are so intense staring into them is almost painful. I feel like he sees right through me, straight into my soul. I don't dare look away. I want him to see inside me, to see how full my heart is of love for him.
"Come on, Kenzie," his voice is little more than a whisper. "This is your chance to put it all behind you. You can start over and have an amazing life."
My eyes tear. "I don't want to start over. And I already have an amazing life with you."
He breaks eye contact. This simple gesture clues me in to how insecure he feels. But he's wavering, we're touching and he's talking to me, open and honest. This has to mean something.
"You know what I mean. You don't have to feel obligated to be with me anymore."
"Obligated? Even when we planned on having Julian I never felt obligated to be with you. I'm with you because my life without you was dark and empty. You have my heart. I gave it to you long before Julian."
"I heard you yesterday. I heard you say you don't deserve me, that you can't look at me or even talk to me. I'm trying not to make things any harder than they have to be."
I shake my head. "It's all true. I don't deserve you. And I don't know what to say to you." I see the hurt in his eyes. This is my one chance. I have to make him understand. "I haven't done one thing in my life to deserve someone as good and as wonderful as you."
"That's not what you were saying when you woke up the other day." He avoids my eyes. "You blamed me for Julian's death, for letting them take him. After I heard that yesterday . . ."
"I was hurt, devastated when I found out he died. But most of all I felt guilty." I feel tears starting to well in my eyes. I blink them back. "I blamed myself. I still do. I feel like you blamed me, too. Or you should have, because I was too weak to keep him alive."
"No, Kenzie." He kisses my forehead. "It's not your fault." His thumb brushes against the skin on my neck. All I want is for him to pull me in his arms. But there is more I need to say.
"You've put up with so much from me without ever giving up. I know now how wrong I was. I know I hurt you, I never meant to. That's why I said I don't deserve you. The truth is I don't know how to get through this without you." My grip on his hand tightens along with my chest. "Please don't give up on me now. Give me another chance. Give us another chance."
He leans his forehead against mine. His breath is heavy, I know he's holding something back, but I can't imagine what.
"Maybe we are better off . . ."
"No! If anything, I think this whole ordeal proves we're much better together." I move in closer so I can press myself up against him. Like the two sticks, I feel stronger, when our bodies are connected. Butterflies soar inside me being so close to him. Even now, sad and broken he still makes me swoon.
"Mackenzie, I don't see how we can make this work."
"Why not?"
"I didn't want to tell you. I thought maybe I wouldn't have to." My heart sinks. "After homecoming, I was miserable. Nothing had any meaning, not school, not football."
I've heard this before and I'm not sure where he's going with it. I try to keep my thoughts reined in and remind myself not to open my mouth, but to listen and hear him out.
He squeezes closed his eyes, "My grades went to shit. I'm on academic probation."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I was embarrassed. Afraid. I did better this semester, but I can't transfer. Not to a decent school. I lost my scholarship. And I can't quit, or drop out. I'll never be able to support us and give you the life you deserve."
"Brayden, it's okay."
"Is it? It's not going to be any different than it was this past September."
"It's worlds different."
"How? How do we not fall right back into the same trap? I know you want me here, close to you, but it can't happen right now. I'm not sure if or when . . . and without Julian holding us together . . ."
"I trust you. I believe in you. And I raised my grades. If you can't come here, maybe I can go to school there, like you said, us being married changes financial aid."
"Yes, but you can't resubmit the forms until next year. That's a whole year of school we'll be apart."
"You listen to me, Brayden Turner. I married you because I love you! Because I tasted life without you! It was bitter, and I never want to experience that again. I want you by my side whispering in my ear that everything is going to be okay, because when you do, I believe it. I want you to hold me through the long nights that feel like they're never going to end. And I want to wake up in your arms every day for the rest of my life. And if it means we have to go to school in separate states for right now, I'll deal with it. There's no turning back. Not for me."
"You're sure?"
"I've never been more sure of anything."
His mouth meets mine, hungry, possessive. His lips part, and his tongue darts into my mouth. I don't hesitate, I welcome him in. Like so many other times he kissed me, I feel it throughout my body. This kiss is different. It's like the seal on our relationship, the glue that will bind us together permanently. My insides jiggle and quiver. My heart feels light and happy, like it's being stroked with a feather. The funny sensation runs from the top of my head to the tip of my toes and I can't get enough of it.
"Kenzie, I love you more than you'll ever know."
"Then come home with me. I need you and you need me. I promised I'd never leave you again. I meant it."
For the first time his eyes look hopeful. I know I'm there, about to cross the finish line. Just one more step and I've got him.
"You promised me forever. You never broke a promise to me before. Don't you dare start with this one."
"Did I promise you happily ever after?"
I shake my head. "I didn't think you had to. I thought it was a given."
He pulls me close and crushes me against his body before engaging me in another long, tender kiss.
"Nothing in life is a given, so I'm promising it now."
I wince as I squeeze my arms tight around him. The pain has broken through, and as happy and satisfied as I am, I can't hide it or keep it at bay any longer.
Brayden strokes my back, bringing on a wave of pleasure that outweighs the pain.
"I'm so sorry, you shouldn't be here. You should be home resting."
"Then you need to take me, because I'm not going anywhere without you."
He stares into my eyes, not saying anything. The moment drags out. I know whatever he decides right now will determine the course of our future. I know I did all I could. I left it all out on the field. I let out a long, relaxing breath as I wait, no longer afraid. I trust in him and I have faith. Most of all, I have the greatest feeling welling up and growing inside me: hope. Hope for the future. Hope for us.
He lifts our joined hands. "Forever?"
"Forever!"
Epilogue
I wipe my sweaty palms on my skirt. I really hope no one can see me behind these partitions. It's what Sabrina calls "the staging area". My body trembles and I'm not sure I can do this. What if I fall on my way out? What if lose my nerve and my mind goes blank?
Brayden wraps me up in his arms. I breathe him in and immediately my confidence comes soaring back.
"You're going to be fantastic."
"I don't know about that. You know how I hate being the center of attention."
"Baby, you've been the center of my universe for over three years now. You seem to enjoy that."
"You're different."
"If it makes you feel better, everyone else has been watching you during that time too."
"It doesn't."
The sick, nervous feeling that I'm about get reacquainted with my lunch has me breaking out into a cold sweat. Brayden flashes me his sexy, flirty smile, while running his hands up and down my arms.
"Get through this. If you don't want to do it ever again you don't have to."
"Get through it. Easy for you to say. I'd have an easier time if we were trying to find a partner for a threesome."
Brayden's eyes light up, the corners of his mouth curl into a smile. "Really?"
I slap at his chest. "Calm down there buddy, it was a sarcastic comparison, that's all."
"But still, just so you know, I wouldn't be opposed . . ."
"Forget it!"
"Sure get my hopes up just to dash my dreams."
"Your dreams? Really?"
He breaks out into a full smile, and no matter how frustrated he has me, I can't help but notice how much brighter the area around us is.
"You know you're the only one I dream about." He brings his mouth to my ear and whispers, "The only woman I want in my bed." He steps into me, with his hands on my hips, his mouth finds the crook of my neck. "The only one I want wrapped around me . . ."
"Please, give it a rest," Jessica lets out a long, exaggerated huff.
"You're only jealous that Carlos isn't here."
She folds her arms "Damn straight. I can't believe he ditched me to go to his uncle's wedding. I mean, it's not like it's his first marriage. And he'll probably do it again anyway."
"Way to think positive."
"You're one to talk. Brayden doesn't leave your side."
"What can I say, I know my place," he teases.
Her phone chimes. "Oh shit," she pulls it out to check who's calling. I can tell from the smile on her face it's him. "He's wishing us luck. Good thing, too. I forgot to put it on vibrate."
"Don't worry, I intend to give him a blow by blow play of how you ladies knock their socks off. And, Jess, I'll be taking plenty of pictures to put on your website."
"You're the best." Jessica gives Brayden a kiss on the cheek, and I narrow my eyes at her.
"Hands off," I say. "Keep your hands on your own guy." I warn.
"Are you ready?" Sabrina sneaks behind the partitions and stands by my side.
I nod.
"Oh, I can't believe I almost forgot, you can't go out there without this."
She shoves something at my chest. My eyes fall to my hands as I take hold of it. I catch my breath as I look down at the cover of the book I'm holding. Looking at the picture, a calm settles over me. Now I know I can do it.
"Are you good?" Brayden asks.
"I am now."
"Great. Let me go find a seat. If you get nervous,
just look for me. I'll start giving people bunny ears to make you laugh."
"Okay."
He kisses the top of my head and slips away.
Jessica looks down at the image on the cover of the book in my hands. "See," she says with a smile, "I told you I'd make it better."
"Have I told you lately that I love you?"
She rolls her eyes in mock annoyance, "Again with this love crap. Listen, I don't think these women want to sit around and sing Kumbaya."
"No worries, sis, I know my voice would crack all the windows."
Jessica pulls me in for a last hug. "I'm glad he gave us a minute alone. I don't want to compete with him for your attention," she says pulling me in for a hug. "I know he'll win hands down."
"Don't tell me you're getting soft on me."
"Never!" she says giving me one last squeeze.
I look down at the cover of the book again. Remembering Julian. They used one of the pictures Jessica took. It's beautiful, and he looks like a little cherub fast asleep.
Only a week after losing Julian Jessica dragged me to her therapist Arlene for the first time. Arlene convinced me to keep a journal about Julian, my pregnancy, and how I felt about them both. I tried to get out of it by explaining I didn't really like to write. Instead, she suggested I speak into a recorder and then write it down, simply, as if it were being spoken. She wanted me to take special care in describing how I felt through the various stages of grief. Who knew I could write? I didn't that's for sure.
She had me talk about things that helped, and things that sent me spiraling into depression. The nursery was especially difficult to deal with. In fact we didn't deal with it. We shut the door on it, literally. And decided to keep it that way until we are ready to revisit the idea of having a baby.
I had no idea while going through the motions of life, Arlene had something special in mind. I was clueless, until she told me how incredibly lucky I am and what a bitch Karma is.
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