Mirror, Mirror

by Patricia Scanlan

  Chapter Ten

  Ellen walked along the hall to the playroom to collect Stephanie. She didn’t know whether she was on her head or her heels. If she could get her hands on Julie Ann, she’d wring her precocious little neck for her. Imagine marching up to Katherine Wallace like that. Why Vincent and Emma had to discuss adult issues in front of her, Ellen could not fathom. The child knew far more than was good for her and this was the result.

  What a mess, she thought distractedly. The first time she’d been at a party in Emma and Vincent’s in years and all this drama had to happen. She’d never be invited again. Trust Julie Ann!

  It was a disaster for Emma. Katherine Wallace knew about her grandchild and all Emma’s hoity-toity friends knew about Chris having an illegitimate child. Ellen had heard the gasps and seen the whispered asides of the astounded guests. It would be the talk of the town. It didn’t particularly bother Ellen that they knew. She’d never see them again. She didn’t move in their circles. She deeply regretted her mother’s embarrassment though. Poor Sheila had been absolutely mortified in front of Pamela and Judge Connolly. She’d gone pale and then got very flushed. She’d feel the burning humiliation of that episode for years to come. And now, unfortunately, she’d stormed out of Emma’s in a huff, so that was going to have major family repercussions. Life would never be dull in the Munroe family, Ellen thought dryly as she made her way through a chain of excited children, waiting for Vincent to stop the music in Musical Chairs.

  ‘That was unfortunate,’ Vincent said gruffly when he saw her.

  Ellen shrugged. ‘Kids will be kids.’ And Julie Ann would want to be told how to behave, she added privately. ‘Look at them, they’ve forgotten it already.’

  ‘I thought it was best to get them playing.’ Vincent stopped the music and there was a mad scramble for chairs. ‘Is Emma OK, the poor love? This’ll be very upsetting for her.’

  Ellen felt a surge of irritation. To hell with Emma. What about how upsetting it was for her? The least he could do was to apologise for his daughter’s dreadful behaviour. Typical of Vincent. Ellen’s feelings were of no consequence. They never had been. Was she a non-person? Were her feelings any less important than Emma’s? Obviously yes. Right then, Ellen decided she was sick and tired of being treated as a lesser being. Vincent did it to her, her mother did it to her, Chris had always done it to her.

  ‘It’s been distressing for me, and for Stephanie. If you don’t mind I’m going to take her home.’

  ‘There’s no need for that,’ Vincent said hastily. ‘Julie Ann will get upset if Stephanie goes.’

  Tough. She could do with being upset now and again, Ellen thought unsympathetically.

  ‘Look, Vincent, I’m not making a big deal out of it. I simply want to go home. I feel like someone in a zoo in there. I have feelings too.’ Ellen knew it was pointed but she didn’t care. She was making a stand and that was it!

  ‘For God’s sake, poor Emma’s gone to a lot of trouble for this party. Katherine’s leaving. You’re leaving. It’s a bit ungracious, Ellen.’

  Ellen drew a deep breath. She and Vincent had always sparked off each other. She could let fly and tell him what she thought of his selfish attitude and cause another family row or she could save her energy. The old Ellen would have launched a counter-attack. The new Ellen, with great difficulty, let his comment pass.

  ‘Stephanie, pet. Come outside for a minute,’ she said quietly.

  ‘But Mammy, I’m playing Musical Chairs.’

  ‘Now, Stephanie.’ Her tone was firm.

  ‘OK, Mammy.’ Stephanie obediently followed her from the room. ‘Good girl,’ Ellen approved, thankful beyond belief that she could rely on her daughter’s good behaviour. She might have had a child out of wedlock and have very little money for ponies and parties and the like, but she’d brought Stephanie up well and no one could take that away from her. Julie Ann might have everything money could buy, but she was a disobedient little brat who hated sharing and who rarely did what she was told. Vincent and Emma had little to be proud of in the rearing of their daughter.

  She knew it was childish to make comparisons but it made her feel better. She knelt down beside Stephanie.

  ‘Listen, love, I know you won’t make a fuss, but you and I and Doug are leaving a little bit early.’

  ‘But Mam, I want to play Musical Chairs an’ Rebecca’s staying an’ it’s not fair,’ Stephanie protested. ‘Please let me stay.’

  Ellen’s heart sank. Stephanie was right. It wasn’t really fair to drag her away, just because Ellen was uncomfortable with what had happened. Stephanie was the innocent party in all of it. If she made a stand and left because her feelings were hurt, Stephanie was going to suffer. When was it right to make a stand and when was it not? She looked into her daughter’s blue eyes and saw the resentment and anxiety there. Ellen made her decision. Today wasn’t the day to make her stand. ‘OK, pet, you go back in and play. And have fun.’

  ‘Thanks, Mam. Thanks.’ Stephanie was gone like a flash, back to her cousins – a new grandmother, social dramas and family friction taking second place to the important priority of the day . . . play.

  Ellen walked back up the hall. She really didn’t want to go back into the lounge. She could hear Emma sobbing upstairs and Pamela murmuring words of comfort. Katherine stood at the front door awaiting her taxi.

  The two women stared at each other.

  ‘I think this is a party that won’t be forgotten in a hurry,’ Katherine said dryly. ‘I hope your mother and Emma don’t have a serious falling out.’

  ‘It’ll blow over. My mother’s a bit sensitive about it all. And Emma’s excitable.’

  ‘Don’t I know it,’ Katherine said wryly. ‘And Julie Ann is certainly her mother’s daughter.’ They shared a smile. Ellen felt a strange affinity with Chris’s mother.

  ‘Stephanie is a beautiful child,’ Katherine remarked a little awkwardly.

  ‘Yes, she is.’

  ‘For what it’s worth, I think my son behaved very badly. I didn’t raise him to turn his back on his responsibilities. He takes after his father, unfortunately.’

  ‘Oh!’ Ellen replied, unsure of how she should respond.

  ‘My husband turned his back on me too.’ Katherine’s tone was brittle.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Ellen reached out and touched the older woman on the arm. ‘It’s a hard thing to endure, being rejected by someone you love.’

  Katherine grimaced. ‘I’ve never admitted that to anyone before. I can’t believe I’m saying it to you, someone I’ve never met before. I can see why Chris was drawn to you, Ellen. But I’m telling you something now, maybe it’s as well things happened as they did. You might have the chance of a happy marriage some day. You might meet a man who will value you. Don’t ever put up with being second best. Not like me. My marriage was a sham. I should have walked away from it and made a new life for myself. Now all I have is bitter memories and a feeling of emptiness that can never be filled. Do you understand that?’ Katherine asked. Her eyes were bright with emotion, her cheeks were flushed.

  ‘Yes, I do,’ Ellen said quietly. It was clearly out of character for this reserved woman to speak of such private matters.

  Katherine took a deep breath and some of the tension went out of her ramrod-straight body. ‘Isn’t it ironic? I never had a daughter to share my feelings with. Thank you. You’re the last person I should burden with my problems. I really don’t know what came over me.’ She gave an embarrassed little laugh.

  ‘Maybe only a person who’s experienced a betrayal can understand the pain of it. We might be poles apart socially, Mrs Wallace, but we’ve each been rejected and have had to deal with it. Our feelings aren’t so different.’

  ‘No . . . no, I suppose not,’ Katherine agreed tiredly. ‘It’s a little difficult when you’ve suppressed them for a long time and they come back with a vengeance.’

  ‘Someone once told me that when your past holds you prisoner you should let it g
o. I, of all people, know that’s easier said than done, but maybe you should think about it,’ Ellen offered.

  ‘I think I’m too old to change now.’ Katherine shook her head. ‘Sometimes anger and bitterness are more comfortable to live with than making the effort to move on. I don’t have youth on my side as you do . . . better the devil you know and all that. Goodbye, Ellen. Here’s my taxi.’

  ‘Goodbye, Mrs Wallace.’

  Ellen watched Chris’s mother walk briskly to the taxi. She was a strange mixture. Clipped and reserved for the most part but with a core of vulnerability and sadness that, Ellen suspected, was rarely revealed. Ellen was glad she’d seen it. It made Katherine seem very human. If she’d shown that side of her to Chris, maybe he might have understood how women could be hurt. Ellen sighed. Maybes. Ifs. Buts. She was a fine one to be telling Mrs Wallace not to live in the past. She’d want to start practising what she preached.

  ‘Are you OK?’ Miriam came to stand beside her.

  ‘If I went home, now, would you drop Stephanie back when you’re going? She doesn’t want to leave the party but I want to get away from here,’ Ellen asked.

  ‘Of course I will. We won’t stay that much longer ourselves. I think Emma would be just as happy if we all left.’

  ‘I know. It’s just that I don’t want to drag Stephanie off and make her feel she’s missing something. It won’t be so bad if your gang are going as well. And I promised Rebecca she could stay the night.’

  ‘Are you sure, about Rebecca, Ellen? She can stay another night if you don’t feel up to having her.’

  ‘Rebecca’s no trouble, Miriam. Stephanie’s looking forward to it. I just want to get away from here. Because if Vincent says one more word about how upset Emma is I’ll split him. And if Julie Ann says one more time that Stephanie has no daddy, I won’t be responsible for what I do to her.’

  ‘Maybe you should go, quick,’ Miriam grinned. ‘I don’t think poor Emma could cope with murder just now. Your mother storming out saying she’d never set foot in this house again was the straw that broke the camel’s back, I think.’

  ‘There’s no need to be insulting to camels. If you were a camel, would you like to be compared to Emma?’ Ellen retorted nastily. She’d had enough of ‘poor’ Emma.

  ‘Go home!’ Miriam ordered.

  ‘Just ask Doug to come out, will you?’

  ‘Right!’

  Ellen got their coats. She hoped they’d be gone before Emma came back downstairs. She didn’t particularly want to speak to her sister-in-law. She was sure Emma bitterly regretted inviting her and Stephanie to the christening. Well, it was her own fault. If she had more control over her daughter, none of this would have happened.

  ‘Miriam said you wanted to go.’ Doug walked over to her.

  ‘You can say that again,’ Ellen said dryly.

  ‘Do you want to say goodbye to Vincent and Emma?’

  ‘Nope.’

  Doug raised an eyebrow at her surly tone but he made no comment and followed her from the house.

  They walked to the car in silence. Doug held the door open for her.

  ‘Thanks.’ Ellen sat into the car.

  ‘How’s Stephanie?’ Doug got in beside her and started the ignition.

  ‘Playing. Musical Chairs.’

  ‘Water off a duck’s back?’

  ‘Yeah!’ Ellen sighed.

  ‘But . . .’

  ‘Well, what a way to find out about your father and your grandmother. In front of all those people. Gossip fodder. I could wallop Julie Ann!’ she exploded. ‘I mean, Doug, what are they up to, talking about things like that in front of Julie Ann? She’s only a child, for heaven’s sake. It was embarrassing in there, not only for me but for my parents. I’m sure it was embarrassing for you. You had your first taste of a typical Munroe family get-together.’

  ‘The food was good though,’ Doug murmured.

  ‘Oh Doug! Be serious.’ Ellen gave him a dig in the ribs.

  ‘Look, get it off your chest. Get it out of your system and forget about it. Stephanie already has and surely she’s the one that counts.’

  ‘I know you’re right. But Ma’s not going to forget it, or Emma or Vincent.’

  ‘Well, you can’t take on their feelings. You’ve enough to do looking after your own. You can moan for another ten minutes and then that’s it. OK? I’m not having the rest of the evening spoiled.’

  ‘That’s magnanimous of you,’ Ellen snapped.

  ‘I’m a magnanimous sort of guy,’ Doug said calmly.

  ‘You don’t have to spend the evening with me.’

  ‘I know that. Do you want me to go home?’

  ‘Suit yourself, Doug,’ Ellen said huffily.

  ‘I might go back to the party and see how I get on with the apparition in the lilac trouser suit. I think she fancied me.’ Doug was unperturbed by her moodiness.

  In spite of herself, she had to laugh. It was impossible to row with Doug. He was too good-humoured.

  ‘Smarty-pants!’

  ‘I know you’re mad and pissed off, love, but what happened happened. Maybe it’s time to talk to Stephanie and tell her the facts as simply as you can so that Julie Ann can’t come out with any more little shocks,’ Doug advised.

  ‘I know. I’ve been putting it off for as long as I could. She’s only a little girl, Doug. I don’t want her to be troubled or upset.’

  ‘I know that, Ellen. But kids can accept things. Look how quickly she got back to playing after discovering she had a new grandmother.’

  ‘Do you think I should let her get to know Chris?’ Ellen asked quietly.

  ‘If you do, Ellen. I’d do it because it’s what Stephanie wants. Not what Chris wants.’

  ‘Or what I want.’

  ‘I didn’t say that.’

  ‘Did you think it?’

  ‘Ellen, I can’t exorcise Chris out of your head. Much as I’d like to. You’re the only one that can do that. I just wish you’d get on with it.’

  ‘Well, episodes like today don’t help,’ she said irritably.

  ‘There’s going to be more of them, Ellen, one way or another. You might as well get used to that idea,’ Doug retorted as he pulled up outside the flat.

  He was right, Ellen admitted to herself. This was only the start of it.

  ‘Mammy, you know my new nannie that we met today?’ Stephanie looked up at her mother, who was making the cocoa for the supper. Rebecca was in the sitting-room playing with Lego.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Do you think she’ll give me a Christmas present?’

  ‘I don’t know, pet.’

  ‘Oh!’ Stephanie was disappointed. Now that she had two nannies she was hoping for an extra present. Julie Ann always got two presents from her nannies and grandads and she only got one.

  ‘You know my daddy Christopher, that that lady told me about, maybe he doesn’t know where we live. Maybe if he did, he’d come and see me. He might even bring me a present.’

  Her mammy looked sad. Stephanie knew she shouldn’t have said that. She knew her mammy didn’t like talking about that daddy because he didn’t love them enough. He was a mean daddy, she thought angrily.

  ‘I don’t want his smelly old present anyway.’ She put her arms around her mammy and hugged her tightly. She didn’t like it when Ellen was sad. It made her feel worried and frightened. She’d heard her crying in bed at night sometimes. That was very very scary. Big people weren’t supposed to cry, especially mammies.

  ‘Would you like to meet that daddy?’ Her mammy bent down and looked at Stephanie. She smelt nice. Stephanie nuzzled her neck. Ellen’s curls tickled her cheeks.

  ‘What does he look like?’

  ‘He’s got blue eyes like yours.’

  ‘Where does he live?’

  ‘He lives with the lady he got married to, in a house in Dublin. He’s got a little boy and a girl.’

  Stephanie was intrigued. ‘What are their names? Are they my cousins like Julie
Ann and Rebecca?’

  Her mammy gave a funny little smile. ‘No, love. They’re not your cousins. Because Chris . . . Christopher is your daddy as well as theirs. So you’ve got a half brother and sister.’

  ‘I’ve got a brother and sister?’ Stephanie was amazed at this news. A brother and sister. Just like Rebecca had Connie and Daniel and Julie Ann had Andrew. This was brill! ‘Can I go and see them?’

  ‘Maybe sometime, Stephanie. It’s a bit awkward at the moment, because I’ll be opening the new café and you and me will be very, very busy.’

  ‘Well, they could come and see us. They could have tea in our new café. And the daddy Christopher could bring the new nannie too.’ Stephanie beamed at Ellen. This was going to be great. Even Julie Ann couldn’t do better than this. She wouldn’t be able to treat people in a café ’cos she didn’t own one.

  ‘We’ll see,’ her mammy said and Stephanie had the feeling it was one of these things that was going to be put off for a while. Mammies always said ‘We’ll see,’ when they were putting things off. Her little bubble of excitement got smaller. She’d better not say anything to her cousins until it was arranged, in case anything went wrong. She didn’t want Julie Ann to make her feel silly.

  That night, lying in bed, listening to Rebecca grinding her teeth, Stephanie lay looking out at the stars in the window above. She loved looking at the stars. Venus was her favourite. She always pretended that Venus came out to play and that the moon was her mammy. Sometimes Venus was bold and the mammy moon had to give out. Stephanie usually played this game until she fell asleep. But tonight she had another game to play. She patted her Guardian Angel on her shoulder, said goodnight to Holy God and then closed her eyes. She liked lying in bed with her eyes closed because then she went into her imagination-box and had great dreams. It was brill having an imagination-box right in the middle of her forehead. Tonight she was going to think of the new brother and sister and the daddy having tea in the café with her mammy and Doug. Julie Ann would be looking in the window, wishing she could come in. Stephanie’d let her in after a while. But she’d have to sit and do what she was told, because it was Stephanie’s café. This was going to be a great new dream, she thought happily as she hugged her teddy close and snuggled in under the bedclothes.