She and Doug had gone shopping in Dublin early that morning while her mother was busy in The Deli. Just the two of them. And he’d let her buy loads of stuff. They’d bought Christmas tree lights. Three boxes and zillions of shiny baubles and tinsel and paper chains. And little robins and tinkling bells and fat Santas that spun around. She couldn’t wait to put them on the tree.
Then they’d gone into Roches Stores and she’d bought her mammy some Apple Blossom perfume. Grandad Mick had given her loads of money to do her Christmas shopping. She’d bought him some pipe cleaners and a tobacco pouch. She’d bought Nannie Sheila a set of white hankies with little pink roses and the letter S embroidered on the corner. They were gorgeous. She’d bought Doug some aftershave, one day when she was shopping with her mammy. Even though he had a beard, Ellen said he used it to make him smell nice. Stephanie gave a little smile. She loved giving people surprises. After she’d finished all her shopping, Doug had taken her to Woolworth’s where she’d had the biggest plate of sausage and chips she’d ever seen. The sausages were really fat. She’d been stuffed after them. Then they’d gone to look at all the toy shop windows. And then they’d driven to a place Doug knew and picked the biggest, fattest Christmas tree they could find.
Now it was time to decorate it and she just couldn’t wait. Julie Ann had had her tree up for ages. She kept boasting about it. Stephanie had been a bit worried that Christmas was getting nearer and nearer and there was no sign of hers going up. But now the day had come and she felt like bursting, she was so glad about it.
‘And a partridge in a pear tree,’ she hummed as Doug pushed the tree into the sitting-room and lifted it into the silver bucket that was waiting in the middle of the room.
‘Now we have to make sure it doesn’t tilt over,’ Doug explained. ‘Ellen, will you hold it until I prop it up with some logs?’
‘I’ll hold it too,’ Stephanie offered. She watched Doug, on his hands and knees under the big bushy tree, as he stuck logs in the bucket and pulled them out and stuck them in again at the other side.
‘It’s too big, Doug,’ Ellen said.
‘It’s not, Mam, it’s not.’ Stephanie looked worriedly at her mother. Maybe she might decide to get a smaller tree. Stephanie wanted her tree to be as big as Julie Ann’s. Julie Ann’s tree only had red and gold baubles. They had all different-coloured baubles. And Julie Ann’s tree had no tinsel on it, because Auntie Emma didn’t like tinsel.
‘It’s in. Stop panicking, Ellen.’ Doug winked at Stephanie and she felt fine again.
‘Mothers don’t know much about Christmas trees,’ she whispered in his ear.
‘You’re right,’ he whispered back. ‘Just as well you were with me to pick it.’
‘Stop whispering, you two,’ Ellen said in her pretend cross voice but Stephanie knew she was happy because she kept smiling and giving her little hugs.
‘Doug, you’ll have to lop off a few branches at the bottom.’
‘Do I tell you how to make your steak and kidney pie, woman?’
‘Stop it, Doug. This is ridiculous. It takes up the whole room. It’ll never fit in the corner.’
‘Do you hear your mother, Stephanie? She has no faith. I think she should go out to the kitchen to make us a cup of tea and leave the experts to it.’
‘Yes, Mammy. Don’t worry, me and Doug know exactly what we’re doin’. You make the tea.’
‘All right then. Make a mess of it,’ Ellen said. But Stephanie knew she was only joking.
When she was gone, Doug got the saw. ‘I’ll just take a few little branches off the bottom but don’t tell her.’
‘I won’t,’ Stephanie promised. He showed her how to saw the branches and then how to tie them to the upper part of the tree with catgut so there’d be no bare bits. By the time Ellen came into the sitting-room with the tea it was all ready to be decorated.
The most exciting part was when Doug had arranged all the lights and told her to switch off the lamps. Then, in the dark, he put the plug in and Stephanie gazed at the twinkling lights on the tree and knew she’d never seen anything so beautiful. She just couldn’t stop smiling. ‘I bet no one has a tree as nice as this one anywhere.’ She slipped her hand into Ellen’s.
‘I’d say not.’ Her mother smiled down at her.
‘I bet my Guardian Angel is really glad she lives here.’ Stephanie patted her shoulder where her beloved Angel sat, morning, noon and night.
‘I bet she is. And I bet she’s a real happy Angel because she’s got such a good little girl to look after.’
‘I’d say Julie Ann’s gets a right headache sometimes,’ Stephanie observed sympathetically.
Ellen and Doug laughed. Stephanie looked at them in surprise. She hadn’t meant to be funny. She sometimes felt very sorry for her cousin’s unfortunate Angel.
‘Why are you laughing?’
‘No why. Just because we’re having fun and this is nice.’ Ellen tweaked her ponytail.
‘I love you, Mammy.’
‘I love you too,’ Ellen hugged her tightly. Stephanie looked at Doug. He was smiling at them. She hurried over to him and flung her arms around him. She didn’t want to leave him out. ‘I love you too, Doug.’
He lifted her up in his arms and swung her in the air and she squealed. Then he rubbed his beard against her cheek and she squealed again. It was prickly and furry at the same time.
‘And I love you, Stephanie. You’re a great girl,’ he praised. It made her feel very happy. She was just the same as Rebecca and Julie Ann. Having Doug was like having a daddy. She must ask him about giving her mammy some of his seeds for a new baby. That would be brill. But she’d better wait until Christmas was over. She didn’t want Ellen to have to go into hospital to get the baby and miss her Christmas dinner.
They had their tea and mince pies in front of the fire with only the Christmas tree lights on and it was like being in fairyland. Then they put the baubles on the tree. She put on all the robins and Santas. Ellen arranged the tinsel. It just kept getting more beautiful, Stephanie decided.
When the tree was finished and Doug had wrapped shining tinfoil around the bucket to make it look pretty, they had more tea and mince pies. Then it was time to put up the chains and holly. The chains kept falling on Doug’s head and once he said a bad word and had to say ‘Excuse me,’ and her mammy made a face at him. Stephanie didn’t mind. The boys at school were always saying bad words.
Then the very last thing . . . the crib. Doug had put a little red light in it for them, right over Baby Jesus’s head, and her mammy put trailing ivy along the roof, and some of the Christmas tree branches behind it, so that it looked like the crib was in a forest. Doug hung a gold star from the ceiling and it twinkled like a real one, spilling its light onto the crib. Julie Ann’s crib had no ivy and branches or even straw. Stephanie just knew she’d be dead jealous when she saw hers.
It was one of her latest nights ever, she thought happily as she lay in bed looking at the stars. Almost midnight. She thought she saw something flashing across the sky. Stephanie closed her eyes tightly shut and pretended to be asleep. Just in case it was one of Santa’s fairies. She really wished it was morning so she could see her beautiful tree and crib again.
Suzy stepped back from the Christmas tree she was decorating and surveyed it critically. There were gaps between the lights. She was making a hames of it, she thought dispiritedly. It was Sunday morning and all she wanted to do was to snuggle up in front of the fire with the Sunday papers, a cup of coffee and a cigarette. But she had to make some sort of effort for Christmas, for the children’s sake, even though it was the last thing she wanted to do. The twins were arguing loudly over a little china reindeer. They’d been like two little briars all morning.
‘Stop it, the pair of you, or I won’t bother finishing this tree,’ she snapped, at the end of her tether. She heard a smash and turned around to find the decoration in bits on the floor. Christina started howling.
‘It’s all your fa
ult.’ Adam gave his twin a shove and she overbalanced into the box of decorations. Christina screeched in fury and indignation.
‘Stop it!’ Suzy yelled. She walloped Adam on the legs and he started bawling. ‘Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I’m sick of the pair of you. Get out of my sight into the hall until I clean up this mess.’
‘It’s all his fault,’ Christina bellowed, red-faced with temper as she clambered up from the box.
‘Out!’ Suzy gave her a rough push. Christina cried even more loudly. ‘I’m here trying to decorate for Christmas on my own and you won’t even behave for me. Get out. Get out! Get up to your room.’ Suzy bundled the twins into the hall and slammed the door shut. If they weren’t careful she’d go mad and leather them.
She was angry at everything. Angry at the unfairness of her situation. She’d done nothing wrong. Yet she was the one who was paying for Chris’s atrocious behaviour. She was the one left looking after the kids. She was the one lying in bed unable to sleep at night, tormented. She was the one who was expected to swallow her own anger and put the children first. It wasn’t fair! It just wasn’t fair!
A friend of hers, Joanna Rogers, had gone so far as to suggest that she was being selfish by not letting Chris come to see the kids at Christmas. Why should he be allowed to swan in and out of their lives as it suited him? Why should she be made to feel that she was being vindictive and mean? She was a damn good mother. But that wasn’t enough. She was expected to behave like a goddamn saint and pretend nothing had happened. Forgive and forget and let Chris pretend he was the world’s greatest father.
Was there no one, not one fair-minded soul, to stand up for her and say to Chris on her behalf,
You did wrong.
You treated this woman shamefully.
You are beneath contempt.
Chris had people to make excuses for him. The twins had her to protect their best interests. She had no one. Not one single person understood her anger, her heartache and her ferocious, unquenchable resentment.
The phone rang. She grimaced as she walked out to the hall to answer it. Who the hell was this?
‘Yes!’ she snarled.
‘Suzy, it’s Katherine Wallace. I—’
‘I suppose you’re going to tell me I’m being a selfish mother too and that your darling son has a right to see his children. Well, don’t bother. I’m sick of it!’ she exploded.
‘I think you’re very brave, Suzy. I wish I’d had the guts to stand up for myself and my feelings as you’re doing,’ Katherine said quietly. ‘I wish I’d been true to myself.’
‘What?’ Suzy wasn’t sure if she’d heard right. Was her snooty mother-in-law sticking up for her?
‘I said I think you’re very brave. And strong. I admire you,’ Katherine reiterated.
‘Oh, Mrs Wallace.’ Suzy burst into tears. ‘Oh, Mrs Wallace.’ She sobbed.
‘Oh dear. Are you on your own?’
‘Yes.’ Suzy wept.
‘Look, I’m not very good at this. But how about if I come over? I wanted to give the children their presents before they go away and I wasn’t sure when you were going.’
‘If you want to.’ Suzy tried to compose herself but she couldn’t.
‘I’ll be over in half an hour. Put the kettle on and we’ll have coffee and a little chat,’ Katherine instructed briskly.
Suzy went back into the lounge tears streaming down her face. Who would have thought that her only supporter would be her cold distant mother-in-law?
She cried, great gulping sobs that shook her thin frame. It had all got too much for her. She couldn’t take it any more. She wanted to run away and hide somewhere and pretend all this wasn’t happening. It was a living nightmare. These horrible feelings of rage and hatred and deep, deep hurt were making her feel ill. Her head felt as if it was going to explode. She had a permanent knot in her chest, and what felt like a weight that could not be lifted. Every morning when she woke up, her shoulders ached with tension. How could people expect her to be civil to Chris? He was the cause of all of this. Eventually her sobbing subsided and she took several deep breaths. She couldn’t indulge in the luxury of falling to pieces, she had responsibilities. If she cracked up who’d take care of the twins?
She opened the door into the hall and saw that the twins had come down from their bedroom and were sitting on the end of the stairs. Adam had one arm protectively around Christina. They were sucking their thumbs. Their eyes wide and frightened. The thumb-sucking disturbed her. Adam had always sucked his. But Christina had grown out of it. All of this was having a very bad effect on them. They were only three. Their lives shouldn’t be full of anxiety and fear. Guilt enveloped her. It wasn’t their fault, the poor little things. God only knew what terrifying thoughts were running through their minds. They had enough uncertainties to cope with because of Chris’s absence without her lashing out at them.
She rushed over to them and knelt down and put her arms around them.
‘I’m sorry. Mummy’s really sorry she lost her temper. We’ll get another reindeer. Don’t worry.’
‘You hit me very hard, Mummy. Look, my leg’s all red,’ Adam accused, sticking his leg up to be inspected.
The imprint of her hand showed against his white skin. Suzy felt sick.
‘Darling, I’m sorry.’ Her lip quivered. ‘I’m terribly sorry.’
‘It’s all right, Mummy, don’t cry.’ His reproachful expression became anxious.
Suzy swallowed, hard. She couldn’t lose control again. It was too frightening for the children.
‘Guess what? Gran Wallace is coming over and she’s got presents for you. Quick, let’s tidy up so we’ll be all ready,’ she urged.
‘Christmas presents?’ Christina perked up.
‘Yes. Isn’t that exciting?’
‘Have we got one for her?’
‘Oh God!’ Suzy’s hand shot to her mouth. She’d been feeling so angry and bitter when she’d been doing her Christmas shopping, she’d told Chris he could buy his own present for his mother.
She had an unopened bottle of Evening in Paris upstairs on her dressing-table. Or maybe she might give Katherine the Max Factor gift set she’d bought for Lindsey. Perfume was such a personal choice – maybe Evening in Paris would not be to her mother-in-law’s taste. She could buy Lindsey something later in the week.
‘Quick, we have to wrap it!’ Suzy jumped to her feet. The twins, diverted from their trauma, rushed upstairs ahead of her. Suzy directed them into their bedroom. ‘I’ll bring it in to your room. Don’t move.’
She didn’t want them to see the stocking fillers that were at the bottom of her wardrobe with the rest of her Christmas shopping. The train set and rocking horse were in the attic.
Galvanised, she had the present wrapped and under the tree, the smashed figurine hoovered up and the kettle boiling when Katherine arrived.
‘Hello, Mrs Wallace,’ she said awkwardly when she opened the door.
‘Hello, dear.’ Katherine smiled and stepped inside. She was looking as chic as ever in her smart camel-hair coat and brown leather boots.
‘Have you got a present for us, Gran?’ Adam didn’t beat about the bush.
‘Adam!’ Suzy remonstrated.
‘It’s all right, Suzy. They’re only toddlers. Presents are most important at that age.’ Katherine was understanding.
‘Do you want to see our tree, Gran? We’re decorating it.’ Christina took her grandmother’s hand.
‘Of course I do,’ Katherine said enthusiastically.
‘Let me take your coat, Mrs Wallace, and then I’ll make the coffee.’ Suzy was flustered. She’d never seen this side of Katherine before. The other woman was making a huge effort. It was rather endearing.
She made coffee and took out her best china and set a tray with cups and saucers and sugar and milk. She put a doily on the biscuit plate. Katherine was a stickler for such niceties when she was entertaining.
She pushed open the lounge door and came to a full st
op. Katherine was on her hands and knees beside the twins, helping them to fix shiny balls onto the branches of the Christmas tree.
‘It’s much better fun when you’ve got small helpers,’ she announced from the floor. ‘Much less lonely than doing it by oneself. And see, I’ve been given a lovely present.’ She held up the Max Factor gift set. ‘That was kind of you. I know you’ve so much else on your mind.’
Suzy felt a stab of guilt. Her mother-in-law had turned out to be a bit of a brick. No one else had taken her side as she had.
‘Now, my dears. I’m going to go out to the car to get your presents and you can open them now as a special treat. And then Mummy and I are going to have a cup of coffee in the kitchen, while you’re playing. How about that?’ Katherine rose elegantly from the floor and took her car keys from her handbag. The twins scurried ahead of her, all excited.
Five minutes later there wasn’t a peep out of them as they played happily with their eagerly unwrapped Christmas presents.
‘Now we can talk,’ Katherine murmured as she took the tray of coffee and ushered Suzy into the kitchen.
‘I’m sorry for blubbing on the phone and for being so rude, things just got the better of me,’ Suzy said miserably.
‘Suzy, believe me. I know exactly what you’re going through. I went through it myself. I just didn’t have the courage to kick Jeffrey out. I was too concerned about what people might say. I was afraid that people would think that I had failed as a wife in some way. Especially afraid that they would think that I hadn’t satisfied him . . . you know, maritally . . . I was afraid of being on my own. I was too damn afraid,’ Katherine said emphatically as she stirred her coffee. She looked at Suzy, her blue eyes angry.
Suzy had never heard her mother-in-law swear before. It was rather shocking coming from her.
Katherine grimaced. ‘Because of that fear, Suzy, I lived a lie all my married life. And no one knew how deeply miserable and angry and frustrated and resentful I felt. I never honoured my feelings or myself the way you’re doing. I never stood up for myself. You’ve every right to be mad and hurt. You’ve every right to be upset. It’s like a bereavement, my dear. Only with a bereavement you can finally let go. With a betrayal, it’s there always. Haunting you!’
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