When I get to the open field I can see that all the Guardians are on the move. They come from the fields and the woods, surrounding me as I walk. Some leave the forest heading for the circle of houses where the children are at the schoolhouse. They've only done this once before, just before the bombings. This time they don't look to the sky, they look towards the front gate. Which can only mean one thing: someone is here.
I pick up the pace until I’m at a full on sprint. It only takes me a few minutes until I get to the schoolhouse. When I look in the window, Ms. Black and the children are still inside. Elvis walks out of the nearby barn. He must've seen the pack of Guardians headed for the gate. I run to him.
"Who’s here?" I ask out of breath, clutching the stitch in my side.
"I'm not sure. Morris didn't send correspondence." Elvis steps back into the barn, returning only moments later carrying a black shiny rifle and two handguns. "Do you know how to fire these?"
"No." I stare at the weapons.
"That’s too bad, you'll need to learn." He hands me a handgun. It feels strange. Hard and smooth. I’ve never held a gun before. I probably shouldn’t be now. “The safety is on. You’re just holding it for show,” he tells me.
We walk to the gate escorted by half of the Guardians. The rest stay by the schoolhouse to protect the children. I’m not sure what to expect. I’m afraid that it’s Crane behind that gate. And I just might have to shoot him, unprovoked, with this gun in my hand. My shoes crunch on the gravel driveway. I hang the heavy gun at my side. It feels like a brick in my hand. It feels wrong in my hand.
Even though it’s almost autumn and the days are finally cooling, I’m sweating like a panicked animal. Elvis must sense this because just before we get to the old stone wall that’s camouflaged with vines he turns to me, holding out his hand. He doesn’t have to say a thing. I gladly place the handgun in his open palm and watch as he tucks it into his belt. He walks to the gate, punching in numbers on a small keypad. I wait as he pulls the gate open.
Once the Guardians see that our visitors are no threat, they return to the fields and the forest. Four remain, watching us intently.
I can barely believe my eyes. Standing in the shaded driveway are Adam and Sam. I don’t move. I wait, afraid they are a mirage. That they will disappear and Crane will be standing there instead, waiting to do something horrible to us.
Elvis recognizes Adam right away. They greet each other with a handshake. Then they all turn, watching me. The shock on Sam and Adam’s face is clear. I look like crap. I know this, there’s no way to hide it. Still, it’s my brother standing in front of me. My baby brother who I haven’t seen in almost two years, who I haven’t seen since the earthquake, since our lives changed so drastically. It is him, right?
Sam looks taller and more muscled-not so innocent as he used to. I wait, watching his eyes and the way he moves, trying to make sure he isn’t under the same medication as Ian. I wait to see if he knows who I am.
He walks towards me, and it doesn’t take long-only a few strides-for him to move in front of me. “Andie!” He pulls me into his arms. “Oh my God, I thought you were dead.”
The reunion hug is awkward because he is so tall and I’m so short, and I can’t do much with my broken arm. I let out a squeak from his crushing embrace that’s pressing on my bruised ribs. For the first time I smile without Lina at my side. My heart feels a little less heavy, a little more hopeful. I have my brother back.
One knot string loosens.
“Where’s Lina?” He asks, pushing me back and looking into my eyes.
“She’s in school.” I point to the cluster of houses at the end of the gravel driveway.
“Let’s go. I can’t wait to see her.” Sam takes my hand, pulling me with him as he runs to the schoolhouse. I turn around, just for a minute, hoping to see Adam follow us, hoping that he stays. He helps Elvis close the gate and begins walking slowly beside Elvis down the gravel drive.
Another knot string loosens.
When we reach the schoolhouse I am out of breath. I open the front door to let Sam in. The children and Blithe turn to look at us.
"Uncle Sammy!" Lina jumps from her desk, running to Sam.
“Lina!” He spins Lina around in a bear hug as she giggles. “You’re so big! I can’t believe it.”
Blithe ends class early to celebrate Sam’s homecoming. We gather in the courtyard; talking, introducing everyone, and catching up. Soon it’s time for dinner and we walk to the garden to pick vegetables. Elvis and Adam head to the far barn to slaughter two chickens for our meal, still deep in conversation.
Adam has said nothing to me, only glanced in my direction a few times. Deep down, I wish it were still there, the spark Adam had for me before we tried to escape. I can see it in his eyes. He hasn't laid a finger on me since he showed up. Not a hug. Not a brush of his hand across my cheek. When he looks at me it's like Morris. All I see is concern, worry, fright. It almost hurts worse than what Baillie did to me.
We eat. We celebrate our visitors. Elvis builds a large bonfire and it burns until the sun has gone down. When it’s dark, Blithe and I leave to get the children ready for bed.
“Is Uncle Sammy going to stay?” Lina asks as I help her into her pajamas.
“I think so, honey. I’ll talk with him tonight while you sleep.”
She reads me a story, and I tuck her into bed. I sit in the rocking chair, waiting to hear the steady breaths that can only mean she is sleeping. She falls asleep instantly, exhausted from the excitement of the day.
I return to the bonfire which has wilted to nothing more than a pile of superheated coals. I want to talk with Sam. I want to catch up on heavier topics. Like what he’s been doing since we’ve been here and how he got in. Adam and Elvis watch us.
“Did you start classes?” I ask Sam. He should have started medical school almost two years ago.
“No,” he shakes his head at me. “They cancelled the program after the meltdown. Everyone left the city.”
“So what have you been doing?”
“I enlisted,” he tells me.
“We agreed you were going to wait.” Suddenly I’m angry with him, that he changed his plans. We had decided together, he promised me he would wait to enlist.
“I had no choice,” he tells me. “I searched everywhere for you and Lina and Ian. I came to the conclusion that you were all dead. I had no one left, Andie. I had nothing else.” I look into his green eyes, replicas of mine and Lina’s. They are filled with sadness, and a glimmer of hope.
I think of how I’ve felt each time Lina asked about him, each time I thought he might also be dead, knowing that I would never see him again. He’s right. I know it. I drop the argument and change the subject.
“You’ve met the other Sovereign?” I ask him.
“Yeah, Crane’s a real super douche. He's lucky I didn't see you before I met him. I would have wrung his speckled neck.”
Little does he know how bad I looked weeks ago.
“So you know what's going on here then?” I ask him.
“Yeah, Adam filled me in with all the details.”
“And?”
“And it's a lot better than what's going on out there.” He points to the south, past the wall and the fence. “This is the safest I've felt in weeks. There are no bombings, no one hiding around the corner waiting to jump you, no one ransacking your house looking for food. As far as I can tell this is the last civilized place left in the country.” He pauses, looking at me, concerned. He lowers his voice. “Have you been eating, Andie?” he asks so no one else can hear.
“When I feel like it.” I shrug at him.
“You've lost too much weight.” He looks me up and down, at my baggy clothes, my disheveled hair.
“I don't care,” I tell him.
It’s the truth. It's not like anyone here wants to look at me. Crane ruined whatever I had that made men look at me before. He's taken everything from me. My family, my home, my job.
Elvis sets up rooms for Sam and Adam to stay, in the upper level of the library-house.
I wait until all the lights are off at all the houses before I check on Lina to make sure she is sleeping. Stevie’s ears perk up when I open the bedroom door. She raises her head from the end of the bed where she’s laying.
“I’m going outside,” I tell Stevie and she lays her head back down to sleep.
This is what I have resorted to: talking to the dogs.
I take a heavy quilt from the living room and sit by the fire, watching the hot coals simmer a bright blue. I know that I should be happier now that Sam and Adam are here. Still, I’m not quite right.
While the fire burns out I lean back in my chair watching the stars, trying to pull out the constellations that I can remember from childhood. The big dipper, the little dipper. Sadly, that’s it. I yawn. And trying to keep myself awake, I resort to counting the stars in the sky, making my own patterns. It doesn’t work. I spent too long wandering the fields and not sleeping this afternoon. Once I get halfway through the star-filled sky I fall asleep.
This dream is bad. The worst so far. Lina, Sam, Adam, even Blithe and the boys are all trapped in the house, pounding on the windows, screaming for help. I can see the missile. Whistling through the sky. It looks like one of those atomic missiles from the old cartoons, large and bulbous, headed straight for the house. I run, screaming, pulling on the door, trying to break the windows. But it’s no use. I can’t get them out. I stand on the porch as the bomb whistles down, crashing through the house, exploding. I was hoping it would kill me too, that maybe I could move on to some new place in the heavens with everyone I love. But all it does is throw me away from the house. So I can watch it go up in flames consuming everyone I love. Then I am screaming, trying to run back to them so I can pull their bodies from the charred wreckage, so I can be a nurse again and fight to save them. But I can’t. Something is holding me back, pulling me by the hair. When I turn my head I can see it is Crane, smiling, as I watch everyone I love burn to a crisp.
There is a sharp pain on my arm, a pinch. It’s just enough to wake me up. Startled, I look around in the darkness trying to orient myself, waiting for my eyes to adjust to the darkness.
“Andie, wake up.” Adam’s face is in front of mine, he has that furrow in his brow, the one he gets when he’s mad or concerned.
This is the closest he’s been to me since he got here. I want to reach out and touch his dark hair to make sure he’s real. I want to stare into his blue eyes just a few seconds longer. But I’m embarrassed. I know that I must have been screaming and woke him up. I jump up out of the chair, letting the quilt fall to the ground.
“I have to check on Lina,” is all I say.
And I do. I have to make sure none of the dream was real. I run back to my house in the dark, leaving Adam by the cold fire holding the quilt. I close the door behind me and lock it. I go to Lina’s room only to find her sleeping peacefully with Stevie resting on her pillow.
I spend the rest of the night hiding in the house, scrubbing the kitchen and the bathrooms until the sun rises. Then I wake Lina and get her ready for the day.
As we enter the schoolhouse, I find Sam standing there talking with Blithe. He looks strange here, out of place, his head almost touching the short ceiling.
“What are you doing here, Sam?” I ask.
“Didn’t Adam tell you?” I shake my head no. I don’t tell him that I have yet to hold a conversation with Adam since their return. “I’ve been assigned to the Sovereign Children’s Training Program.”
“But you’re not a child,” I say. He’s almost an adult, in his early twenties.
“Crane says they couldn’t afford to assign me to a working faction, my scores were too high. He said something about needing more Sovereign. Little did you know your little brother was a genius.”
“I’ve known for a long time, Sam. That’s why I pushed you to go to medical school.” I smile, happy that he is going to stay here with us, but not enthused that his future will be the same as mine and Lina’s. This can only mean one thing: Crane has chosen him to help run the District.
I leave the classroom only to sit on the porch for a moment, eavesdropping. I’ve done this before, making note that many things have been eliminated from the children’s teachings. Important dates in history, governments, trades, religions. I listen as Blithe catches Sam up on the history of the District. Much of it I’m sure he already knows. The teachings include the current Districts’ arrangement, the factions, the roles of the Sovereign. It’s not long before I start to feel tired, my head bobs. I can’t risk falling asleep so close to the schoolhouse. I get up and walk my usual path between the library-house and one of the barns, headed for the fields. Just as I am almost clear of the courtyard Elvis and Adam step out from behind the barn, right near my path. I walk fast, keeping my head down, hoping they are too deep in conversation to notice me.
Then I hear Elvis, who’s been watching me as I try to pass them. “Andie can show you the grounds. She walks them nearly all day while her girl is in class,” he tells Adam.
Adam turns as I start to pass them. He doesn’t look as startled to see me this time. But I did put a little effort into readying myself for the day. I did my hair, securing it in a loose bun, dressed in a pair of dark jeans and a nice sweater, instead of my usual worn jeans and heavy sweatshirts.
“Do you mind?” He asks. I shake my head no, but I don’t wait for him. I continue walking, letting him follow me out past the houses to the dry fields. “You walk the grounds all day, Andie?” I hear Adam ask from behind me. “What’s that all about?”
I turn to him unsure of what to say. My thoughts halted by his image before me. I almost forgot how handsome he is when he’s clean shaven and dressed in normal clothes, not the dull grey Volker uniform.
I shake my broken arm. The cast is itching again. Most of the cuts and bruises have healed, and now I can finally breathe without feeling the sharp twinge of pain from the broken ribs. But standing next to him, after all this time, I suddenly find it hard to breathe again.
I pull a small twig off the ground, poking it into the cast, trying to reach the itching spot. It needs to come off. It’s been on long enough. But each time I’ve asked Morris to send the doctor he gives me some pathetic excuse. The doctor is doing physicals today or he’s training the medical staff. I know he’s just stalling. They want me to leave the Pasture, to have the cast removed at the hospital. But that will never happen. Not now. Not ever. I can’t see myself ever leaving Lina or the safety of these walls, again. Not for a long time.
“You need to have that cut off.” Adam stands in front of me, his hands in his pockets, squinting in the sun.
“I can't,” I respond, staring at the tiny pictures I’ve drawn on the hard cast over the weeks. It’s part of me. It holds my memories. The ones I’m afraid to forget.
“You can't put it off forever,” he tells me.
“I'm hoping it may just slough off on its own.”
“It won't. We both know that.”
“I'm not leaving this place. I'm not ready.”
“I can tell,” he says. For the first time, I look into his familiar pale blue eyes. “What did Crane do to you?” he asks. I just shake my head at him. I didn’t think it would affect me like this. Crane’s punishment. I can’t escape the nightmares, the fear of seeing him again. It’s all too much. “Of all people, Andie, I know what you're going through. It happened to me in the Middle East.”
I don’t respond for a long time. I’m trying to pick the correct words, taking my time like Morris does. I can’t explain the reason why I feel this way, why it has affected me so, why it might be different than what happened to him. “They didn't try and take your child from you,” I tell him. It’s the only thing I can think of, the only thing I can respond with.
“No, they didn't, but afterwards my entire family died. Everyone I ever loved. You think that was an accident? I know better. It
wasn’t.” He pauses, running his hand through his now longer dark hair. I know it still hurts him to talk about them. “You just need time. You need to talk about it. It’s the only way to get better.”
“Who am I going to talk about it with? There's no one here. Blithe is busy with the children and Elvis is busy running the farm. I have no one.” I shake my head at him. He doesn’t understand. I’m not even sure I do. “I don't want to talk about this now…” I can feel my chin start to quiver, the tears forming in the corners of my eyes. What is wrong with me? I used to be so in control. I cover my face with my good hand and take in a few deep breaths. After it has passed I ask him, “Can't you just cut it off for me?”
“I'm not a doctor.”
“But I trust you,” I whisper. Even after everything that’s happened, after telling myself that I would just pretend to trust him. I know deep down that I actually do. I always have. Even after he lied to me.
”It took you long enough.”
“Just cut it off. Please.” My arm starts throbbing. The blood vessels coming back to life in a rapid flow, in anticipation of being freed from the hard cast.
“Come on.” Adam leads me to one of the small barns where the tools are kept. He searches through the barn until he finds a small circular saw.
We sit outside, across from each other, our knees almost touching. Adam starts sawing off the hard cast. I watch the white powder fly through the sky, specks of it collecting in his dark hair and on his black shirt. The vibration from the electric saw reaches all the way to my now healed bones. He slows the speed once the length of the cast is cut. He reaches for my casted arm placing it on his warm leg. I hold my hand in a fist, preventing my fingers from touching his thigh. I can handle hugs from Lina right now, I’m not sure I could handle the feelings I get from touching Adam.
The Phoenix Project Series: Books 1-3: The Phoenix Project, The Reformation, and Revelation Page 30