“Colonel Waters will be personally responsible for you and Alexander. Morris is not well. So that leaves me to run things until you both return.”
“I’m taking Lina,” I tell him defiantly. I can’t leave her behind with him. “And Sam,” I add.
“No, you will not.” He smoothes his tie as he speaks, probably trying to control his anger at my disagreeing with him. “The train is fast, you will only be gone a week.”
“And if something happens out there?” I ask him. “I’m not leaving the last of my family here with you.”
“I wouldn’t count on anything happening,” he replies. “You’re going. End of discussion.” With that he turns on his heel and leaves the committee room.
I turn to Morris who has walked up behind us. “I can’t go,” I tell him as our eyes meet. “I can’t leave Lina here, or Sam. They are all I have, Morris.”
He nods his head slowly and I watch his face closely as he speaks, the skin now sagging and hued yellow. “You must go, Andromeda.”
“But-”
He holds his hand up. “No, I will not allow anything to happen, neither will Elvis, or Sam, for that matter. You have to go. You need to see what the other Districts are like. Make preparations, you won’t have much time.”
What they are like? I wouldn’t think the other Districts are much different than ours. And I don’t really care what they are like.
“Andie,” Adam calls me from the doorway. “Are you ready?”
“See you soon, Morris,” I tell him as I turn to leave. There’s something about the look on his face that makes me think I need to prepare more than just myself for this trip.
No one has left the District since the bombings and the train hasn’t run since Adam came barreling home on it with Sam and a load of supplies in tow. I’m sure there is tension in the other Districts as we had here, but what do these people expect? Still, there is no reason to send me out there unless Crane has something else planned.
He always has something else planned.
--
“Crane tells me we are leaving the District?” Adam asks as we walk to his vehicle.
“Yes,” I reply, waiting as Adam steps ahead of me to open the door of the SUV.
Since we reconnected at the hospital he’s been acting a little too careful around me, almost to the point of annoyance. Before we would go weeks and months without seeing each other, both of us immersed in our work until we were brought together again. And then it was like we were never apart, we couldn’t stay away from each other. But now there’s more. Now there’s the baby.
Sam tells me that Adam plans to do everything in his power to protect us. Which I thought he was doing before, but now he’s surely making his presence known. Staying with me at the Pasture, calling me each afternoon, and being home for dinner each night. He has the time now that the Residents have settled. The Volker recruits have been trained, their duties assigned, and the District has been running smoothly since I made the speech, in which I promised to protect the Residents. Truthfully, though, I can’t do much to protect them. The damage has already been done and their futures decided, even their children’s futures have been decided.
Still, no Survivors have found the gates of the District. Which means there is no one to convert, no one new to decide for.
I watch the Residents on the streets as we drive out of town. It’s only been a month since the speech, a little longer since Crane found my list of the pairings, but I can already see women who are visibly pregnant. I look down at my own stomach, which sticks out much further than theirs. I’m almost to the third trimester.
My thoughts are interrupted by Adam’s hand on mine. When I look over he shoots me a smile. I would like to return it, but I can’t. I’m afraid he’s getting too soft since he found everything out. He’s a little too relaxed, thinking we are safe, accepting the terms that have been handed to us. I don’t like it.
After my meeting with Morris, I told Adam everything. I took him out to the fields of the Pasture to be sure we wouldn’t be heard. I told him about the plan, about how the Funding Entities were trying to preserve the earth, the human race, and our natural resources. I told him that I was to become one of them, an Entity, after Morris died. I told him who the Entities were within the Phoenix District, but I didn’t know who the others were. He barely reacted when I told him that I was now breaking the golden rule bestowed upon me: tell no one until you are about to die and that person takes your place as an Entity.
Truthfully though, I could die at any time. Heck, I almost did myself in after the bombings. It’s only now that I look back and see that I was barely functioning. Then there’s childbirth, without modern medicine and the technologies that we once had. There’s a strong likelihood that I might not make it through delivering this baby. I did keep one secret from him. I haven’t told him that I’ve been ordered to find myself a pair, to create a new family for myself. I haven’t even told him that they offered to give Ian back to us. As Sovereign and future Entity I cannot have a child without a father, I cannot taint the values expected of the District Residents and Sovereign.
Adam has been having his fun, playing house for eight weeks. And it’s not like I haven’t enjoyed it myself, but we need to be realistic. I can’t look at him anymore without thinking of Ian. And now this tour I’m being forced to go on, it’s nothing more than a target on my back. A way for Crane to resume his control over my life, for him to threaten my family. With me gone Lina is exposed, and I can’t have Crane thinking he can have her, whatever his plans for her may be.
“We aren’t safe,” I tell Adam as he drives.
“Don’t worry.”
I shake my head at him. “I worry every minute of my life. And now Crane is ordering us away on a tour of the other Districts. Doesn’t that ring a few bells for you?” I can’t see him acting like this, not with his background. He’s become a little too accepting, and perhaps he’s forgotten that he was on a mission before I became pregnant.
“Not now,” he stops me, dropping the tone of his voice a few notches. I know it’s because we are in a District vehicle, anyone could be listening.
I resume my people watching until we get to the outskirts of town. Then I watch the tall trees, thick with summer leaves. It’s no wonder we haven’t been found yet. It’s been over two years and the forests have grown in, threatening to overtake the few roads we still use.
When we get to the Pasture, Adam throws the SUV into park before it’s fully stopped. He jumps out as the vehicle lurches forward and walks swiftly to the passenger side. Adam reaches across and unbuckles my seatbelt. He takes my wrist and pulls me out of the vehicle and walks me out to the field behind our house.
“What do you know?” he asks me when we get an acceptable distance away.
“Crane is planning something. I know it. He’s sending us away, out there.” I point South of us, towards where civilization used to lie. “And he won’t let me take Lina or Sam. Who knows what’s happened out there since the bombings. What if we never make it back?”
He reaches for me, squeezing my shoulders, staring into my eyes, forcing a smile. “We’ll make it back, Andie. I’ve been out there before. I’ll make sure we come back.”
“Snap out of it, Adam! This isn’t a normal run. We are touring all the Districts. We have to circle all of North America and survive whatever is going on out there. And I’m pregnant. What if I die out there, what if I lose the baby?”
My words do exactly what I was hoping they would-they evoke memories. Memories of loved ones lost. His family wasn’t mine, but I still remember him kneeling at their gravesites. I’m sure the last thing he wants to do is repeat that with me or his child. I watch him closely to see the change in his eyes, a slight cast covers their light blue hue, and I’m sure it’s not from the darkening sky. He’s snapping out of whatever stupor he’s been in the past few weeks.
“I won’t let that happen, Andie.” He stalks off, leaving me in the fiel
d with just the Guardians. I watch as he walks towards the barn that holds Elvis’ office. Then I leave to wait for Lina and Astrid to get done with their schooling.
Adam comes home just as I’m setting dinner on the table. I can hear Sam telling the girls to wash up from the living room. While the girls giggle in the bathroom, Adam and Sam enter the kitchen at the same time.
“We need to talk,” Adam starts.
“After the girls are in bed,” I tell him.
Sam raises his eyebrow, looking between us. As much as I want to prepare for this trip, and what might happen, I don’t want to alarm the children. But I’m sure they can tell from the uncomfortable silence during dinner that something is wrong. When we finish, I leave the men to clean up as I get the girls ready for bed.
Just as I tuck Lina in she asks, “Mommy, is something wrong?”
I run my hand over her hair and kiss her nose. “We’ll talk about it tomorrow. Now get some rest.” I sit in the rocking chair for a few minutes, waiting to hear the steady breaths of sleeping children before I get up to leave.
When I reach the kitchen I can tell Sam and Adam have already started discussions.
“Sounds fishy,” Sam tells me as I sit at the table.
“I know. Sam, if something happens you have to take Lina, you have to get her out of here.”
“I know. I will,” he replies, leaning back in his chair.
“She knows maps Sam. She knows how to get out of here. She knows about the hidden basement in the ruins near the lake, she knows about the tree house near the old highway. I’ve made her memorize everything. She could draw you a map.”
“I know, Andie. Ms. Black always has Lina draw the District map for the class, it’s impressive.”
“She can shoot too,” Adam interjects. “Elvis has her trained pretty good with the small bow, and she has descent aim with the pistol.”
“She’s only seven, Andie.” Sam turns to me. I know this has got to be the worst thing a person could ask their little brother. But he is no longer a child. He tried to protect these children when the Volker came on tattooing day and I have every confidence in him that he will do it again.
“It doesn’t matter, Sam. If something happens to us, or if Crane pulls another one of his stunts, you take her and you get out,” I tell him. “We’ll find you later.”
“What about Blithe, Elvis, the other children? I can’t leave them all.” He looks down at the table. I know what he’s thinking, that he can’t leave Astrid behind. She clings to Sam like he’s her father. “And what about Ian?”
That causes me to sit up straight in our chair. Ian is on his way to being made Sovereign. He’s been off the medication for a few weeks now and Crane has been watching him closely. Once the medication was gone Ian got the third nuclear reactor up and running within two days. The electrified fence has been up to full power ever since and Ian has been steadily making his way into Crane’s good graces. It won’t be long now. He’ll be set, protected, just like I had hoped. Crane has even brought him to Headquarters a few times, propping him outside the entrance. I’m sure just to distress me further. It’s bad enough I have to see him and remember everything, while he stands there, watching us, confused and unknowing.
Morris tells me he’s had outbursts of anger, that he’s standoffish at times. I’m not sure what they were expecting. Whatever they did to him, whatever medication they gave him to forget us, it didn’t work exactly as they had hoped.
“Ian is safe,” I reply to Sam. “Crane needs him too much.”
“But Crane needs you too,” he responds, “for the pairings.”
“Yes, he does. He wants to make sure he can control me, and he knows he can only do that by dangling the ones I love in front of me. I think the speech was the worst thing I could have done. Now the Residents trust me, they trust my word, and Crane wants to make sure I relay his messages.”
We pause for a moment, each absorbing my words.
Finally, Adam speaks up. “I’ll get some things together for you, Sam. We’ll go over your options. You’re strong, you can do this. You handled yourself well during the bombings. I have to admit, you even scared me a little when you walked up on me inspecting your crumbled apartment.”
Sam gets up, heading for the door, his brow wrinkled in thought. He lets out a loud breath and runs his hands through his already disheveled hair. The air between us hangs heavy with doubt, fear, and my undying urge to pack my shit up and run as far away from here as possible with all of them in tow. But I know we’d never make it far, not without knowing what’s going on out there, in the outside world. I let Adam walk Sam to the door as I check on the girls to make sure they’re sleeping. The only thing that moves when I crack open the door is Stevie’s head from the foot of Lina’s bed.
“We’re going to bed now,” I tell Stevie. It’s then I realize, while I’m talking to the dog, that if something happens there’s no way Lina could leave Stevie behind. And Stevie wouldn’t stay behind. She would follow them. She would protect them, just like the Guardians. I can only hope that things go smoothly.
Adam is standing in the hallway waiting for me as I close the bedroom door. He barely waits for me to latch it before he’s walking towards me, pulling me to him, lifting me into his arms with one swift movement. I don’t have a chance to say anything before his lips are pressing against mine with want and need, but there’s something different this time. I can feel it in the way he walks to the bedroom, like he can’t possibly wait a second longer. We’ve been enjoying sleeping at night, free from the nightmares. But I stopped it at that, and all this time, both of us have been struggling to keep our cool around each other. It must have been me saying that I could die that’s bringing out this urgency, or maybe it’s the fear that we could lose each other and those we love, again, too soon.
His movements are usually methodical, but now he works hastily at removing our clothes, fumbling with some of the buttons. I would have stopped him already, the memories of Ian in my mind, but for some reason, right now I can’t. Soon I am left wearing nothing but the necklace he gave me. Adam reaches out, tracing the outline of my face, my eyes, my lips, following his fingertips with a slow trail of kisses. It’s too dark to see his eyes, to try and figure out what he’s thinking. Adam’s fingers trail down my neck, across the curve of my collarbone and the owl charm, around my back, tracing the thick scars and the small tattoo along my ribcage, leaving a tingling trail in their wake. His hand stops on my full, round stomach, and I can feel the flutter of the baby moving under his palm. He stops for a moment and bends down, kissing my swollen abdomen. He returns to my lips, lifting me again, only to set me down on the bed a moment later, his face hovering over mine.
“I won’t let anything happen to you,” he tells me.
His words hang in the air, as though he’s about to say more, but I stop him with my lips, kissing him. I can’t bear to hear anymore, because if he’s about to say what I think he is, I can’t hear it now. Deep down, it may be true, but I can’t speak of it, I can’t let him take it to that level. Because falling in love, after all that has happened, is something I can’t afford to let myself do right now.
--
Over the next few days we make preparations. At first Lina is upset that I’m leaving, but she gradually accepts that we have no choice. We move Sam into the house and pack emergency bags in case he needs to make a quick escape. Blithe and Elvis seem uneasy about us leaving. But since Elvis is one of the Entities, his vote was included in the decision for us to leave. Even if he voted against it, I still find him hard to trust right now.
Elvis gives us everything we ask for: pistols, bullets and four of the Guardians for the trip. Adam has managed to secure four Volker guards to come with us, but I trust the Guardians more. They aren’t human, they aren’t as easily swayed by secrets and orders and Crane. Their duties are ingrained in their DNA.
Before I know it, the time has come for us to leave. Adam has his vehicle packed with o
ur things. Clothing, supplies, and the four large Guardians weigh down the back end of the large SUV. We say our goodbyes.
Saying goodbye to Sam was hard, Lina was the hardest. Sam and Adam had to pull us apart, but not before I could whisper in her ear, “Remember everything you’ve been taught. I love you, my little Catalina.” Stevie looked back and forth between me and Lina, whining. “Stay with Lina,” I tell her, she promptly trots back to where Sam is holding Lina, sitting at his feet.
As we pull away from the Pasture I can’t help but think that last time I drove away from my home, my world changed forever. I’m just hoping the same thing doesn’t happen this time. Because I’m not sure how much more change I can deal with.
--
Crane greets us at the tracks. Morris is there, standing with a cane, looking sicker than the day I visited him in the hospital. The Volker guards pack our belongings onto the train. The one person I wasn’t expecting to be there, Ian, is standing at Crane’s side, watching with the slight look of confusion, which always seems to be present on his face these days.
We say our goodbyes and I can’t help but feel like we were being sent off, rather than going on a short trip. Just before stepping onto the train I looked back to see Ian, still watching. I risk damaging Crane and Adam’s trust by talking to him, but I don’t care anymore. I get the feeling that I may never be able to utter another word to him in this lifetime. I walk over to him, not caring what the others think, and wrap my arms around his neck. It has been over two years since I’ve hugged him, since I’ve touched him. Unlike the last time, instead of pausing and stiffening, he wraps his arms around my back and I hear him take a deep breath in as he bends his head down to my neck. It’s subtle enough so the others may not notice what he just did, but I do. And it makes me think that maybe he isn’t as confused as he lets people believe.
I know I can’t stay like this for long, embracing my estranged husband, or I risk Crane getting suspicious. I raise myself up on my toes, making it look like I intend to kiss him on the cheek, but instead I bring my lips close to his ear. “Remember you have a daughter, Ian. Her name is Catalina and she’s at the Pasture, it’s not far from here.” I turn out of his grasp and walk onto the train where my travel partners wait for me, avoiding the curious glances from Crane and Adam.
The Phoenix Project Series: Books 1-3: The Phoenix Project, The Reformation, and Revelation Page 43