“No, he knows too much. What if he told the Survivors of our location? We can’t risk that.”
“Then I don’t understand what am I supposed to do,” I reply.
“Shoot him in the head, of course,” he tells me, matter-of-factly.
“I’m not shooting anyone,” I tell Berkley, sticking my chin out at him.
“You will, if you want to leave.” He flashes his bright smile at me again. “Norman is going to die today.”
Berkley waves to one of his Volker who leaves the reception area, returning a short time later with a short, bald man in handcuffs. He certainly doesn’t look like a criminal. He looks like someone’s father. He probably is someone’s father.
There are no trials in these Districts. Somehow, guilt is determined by the Entities and the Sovereign. The punishment, too. When the man named Norman looks at me, I lose it.
“I am not killing anyone!” I retract every step I’ve taken since arriving, turning and walking as fast as I can towards the door. I glare at Alexander as I get closer to the door. He simply steps back, avoiding my eyes. I can hear footsteps behind me. Just as I clear the door, pushing my way outside, someone grabs my arm, hard. I wince, turning to see who it is.
The President of what was the United States is screaming in my face. “You will do this. You have been ordered to do this! And I will not have to worry about Crane and his punishments. I will not deal with anymore of Crane’s threats hanging over my head. Complete the task! I do not want Crane’s minions on my land!”
Ah, yes, another Entity afraid of Crane. “Crane scares you, Mr. President?” I ask him mockingly.
Berkley doesn’t have time to respond because Adam is there, punching him in the face so hard he falls to the ground. “Keep your hands off her. In case you forgot, President Berkley, we are here to protect Andromeda. I can’t have her returned to Crane damaged.”
At first there is silence, and then a quiet laugh comes from Berkley as he lies on the ground. He turns, wiping the blood off his lips. “Well, Colonel Waters, I see what side you’ve chosen. I wonder if Crane would like to know the things you’ve done and what you are truly capable of.”
“Shut your mouth, Berkley!” Adam growls at him.
“Ha!” Berkley spits a mouthful of blood onto the ground. “What are you, her personal knight-in-shining-armor? Does she know what you’ve done, what you’ve promised to do?”
Adam pulls his pistol out of the holster and points it at Berkley. “Shut up or I’ll shut you up.” He turns to me. “We need to leave, Andie. Can you do this?”
“I… I can’t kill someone.” I shake my head at him, my hands shake and there’s an endless dropping feeling in my stomach. I can’t believe they sent me here to kill someone.
“Fine,” he replies, coldly. He closes his eyes, for just an instant, taking a deep breath in. He walks to the Volker who are escorting Norman, pulling the man away from them. He pushes Norman in front of him. “Walk fifteen paces, enough for an Our Father, or whomever you pray too,” Adam tells the man named Norman.
The rogue scientist walks, smiling oddly at Adam’s directions. He turns, saying something out loud in another language that I barely recognize as Arabic. Adam shoots him instantly, exactly between the eyes, before the man can continue in his foreign language taunting.
“Adam.” I run to him. “How could you do that, how could you just shoot him like a cold-blooded killer?” I can’t control the appalled tone of my voice.
He glares into my eyes. “I am no more a cold-blooded killer than this man.” He waves towards the lifeless body on the ground.
“But-” I start, the words escaping me.
“How could you keep secrets from me?” Adam asks. “Were you planning on telling me about your forced pairing, that they offered to give you back Ian?” I step away from him as his words rip through me. How could he have known? I don’t ever remember telling him that. “Do you want to know what he said before I shot him in the head? Do you even care?” He doesn’t wait for my response, and I’m so shaken I’m not sure I could give one. “He said to me, I thought we killed you once already.”
Oh shit. I think Adam just stepped into a trap. And for all the times he’s saved my life, I get the feeling I’m going to have to save his very soon, even if he did just kill one of his captors from the Middle East.
“Well, now that that’s taken care of, we have one last thing.” Berkley brushes the soil and grass clippings off his suit. He pats a handkerchief to his bleeding lip. One of his Volker hand him the tattooing instrument. “Although, I think Colonel Waters should be receiving this token, but daresay I go against the wishes of our great Crane.”
I wouldn’t have given him the pleasure of seeing me flinch when he pressed the instrument to my skin. That is, if he had used the numbing agent. But he didn’t. He burned the image of a large flame onto my shoulder, below the others, and walked away. All without a thanks, without a goodbye, without a come back soon.
Adam doesn’t stand by my side, he doesn’t question why I have the brands, he doesn’t ask me if I am okay. Instead he walks away from me towards the Chinook.
“We must leave, Andromeda.” Alexander has reappeared beside me. “Now.” He takes my elbow, leading me towards the Chinook.
“You knew this would happen,” I tell him.
“Unfortunately,” is all he replies.
“I don’t understand you, Alexander.”
“In time, you will. Just remember, that we are more alike than you may think.” He squeezes my elbow. I think he’s signaling that he just relayed an important piece of information to me. But I can’t decipher it, not right now, not after seeing Adam shoot that man in the head and then scorn me for keeping secrets. Everyone here keeps secrets, to the point where I barely know what the truth is anymore.
I’m not sure what just happened in the Galena District, but it brings forth a raging headache like none I’ve ever had before. I know, deep down, this has to be a sign that something worse is to come.
We fly back to Hanford in silence. The only noise comes from the heavy breathing of the four Guardians at my feet. Adam sits far from me at the other end of the empty cabin. His brow furrowed, his jaw clenched, his fingers tapping more rapidly than before. I close my eyes, feigning sleep. I can’t look at them anymore. I can’t look at Adam because each time I do, all I see is the bullet from his gun forcing itself into that man’s forehead and blasting out the back, spraying brain tissue and blood all over the tarmac. I can’t look at Alexander, because all I see is his silence and his unwillingness to help us out on this horrid trip. I can’t look at our Volker, afraid that their judging eyes might make me burst into tears. I keep my eyes closed and focus on the pounding of my head, trying to make it stop. I just want all of this to stop.
--
Returning to our train was just as silent as the helicopter ride returning us to Hanford. And Adam was just as distant, if not worse.
I can barely make sense of what happened. Who was Norman, really? Why did Crane instruct Berkley to have me kill him? I know that Adam killing that man may have dire effects. Sakima already warned me that this trip was a continuation of my training. Crane won’t take lightly to his orders being ignored.
I wait, afraid to sleep, listening to everyone else through the thin walls of the sleeping bunks around me. The headache which hit me in Galena has simmered to a dull roar. I try to relax to get it to stop. I try to focus on the smooth, rolling movements of the baby, pressing my hand to my abdomen, feeling him kick at the pressure of my hand. I decide I can’t take the silence any longer. I get up and walk to the engine car, stopping at the entrance. Adam stands alone, watching the track and landscape fly by in the night. I want to apologize for judging him so harshly. Because I know that there was nothing more I wanted than to shoot Crane between the eyes after he held me in the basement and let Baillie beat me. I am no better than him. And what happened to Adam in the Middle East was much worse than what happened to
me, I can tell this from the scars riddling his body. Still, I want nothing more than to wrap my arms around him and find comfort in him. I can tell by the way he stands, stiff, straight, he won’t be having it.
He doesn’t turn around as I walk up beside him. He doesn’t even acknowledge my presence.
“I can’t do this much longer,” I tell him. I look down to my feet. I’m sure no one else has noticed the swelling, but I can see it. I can feel it with each step I take.
“You’re almost done, then we’ll move on. There’s one stop left before we’re back home.”
Home. The sound of that is almost comforting.
“No, we’ve been gone too long already.” I walk closer to him. “Look at me.” I point at my stomach. The clothes I brought are starting to stretch tight across the baby bulge. “My clothes don’t fit and I don’t feel well. We need to go home, Adam.”
He doesn’t bother looking, he just continues to stare out the window. “Can’t you wait just a little longer?”
“No. I need to go now.” Our eyes lock, finally. I take the moment to push the subject. “I need to go home now, Adam. Remember when Dr. Akiyama told me to take it easy or he would put me in the hospital? I’ve been getting headaches, which mean my blood pressure is high. I don’t want to be out here on a train when the baby comes. I can tell it’s going to be soon. However much of the medication I got in Crystal River, it’s starting to affect me.” I don’t tell him, it’s probably the stress of this trip that isn’t helping as well. I can’t take many more surprises.
“Then why don’t we go back to Hanford?” He asks. “They have medicine there. Their medical staff is more skilled that what we have in Phoenix. I can reverse the train, bring us back there.”
“No.” I shake my head at him. “I have to see Lina and Sam. If something happens, I can’t be stuck out here without them.”
“Two more days, Andie, all that is left is Kansas, then we’re done.” His voice is stoic, his affect flat.
I take the cell phone and paper from his pocket. He doesn’t even argue or ask what I’m doing. I punch in the number George gave us. It rings over ten times before Sam picks up. I must have woken him.
“Is everything all right?” he asks me.
“Yes,” I lie to him. “I just wanted to check on you and Lina.”
“Well, Lina is asleep. It’s the middle of the night here.” I hear him yawn into the phone.
“I know. I’m sorry, Sam. I just needed to check on you both. Nothing strange has happened?”
There is silence on the other end. “Something did happen yesterday.”
“Is everyone okay?”
“Yeah, it was no big deal, Andie. It’s just that someone found the entrance to the Pasture.”
“Who was it?”
“Well, I was headed into town to get some rations from the store. And when I opened the gate Ian was standing in the road. All alone. He told me he was lost. The strangest part was he acted like he didn’t know who I was.”
“What did you do?” I ask him.
“I offered him a ride back to town. He got out at the store and just walked away. I have no idea where he went after that.”
So he found the Pasture. He knows where Lina is. Something is going on with Ian.
I say goodbye and push the phone and paper back into Adam’s pocket. Then I turn and walk away from him, annoyed at his sudden lack of concern. How quickly he has forgotten all the promises he made to me, that we made to each other.
“We need to stop this,” Adam tells me just as I reach the threshold to the sleeping bunks. I didn’t even hear him follow me.
“What?”
“Us. This. Whatever we’ve been doing.” He starts walking towards me, his eyes darker than they’ve ever been. “I'm no good for you, Andie. This has to stop.”
“What are you talking about?” I back up to the thin door of my sleeping bunk. To our sleeping bunk. I flick the door handle and back up into the room. Adam follows.
“I was wrong to think that I might have a chance at a normal life, that we could be something more. I can't bring you down with me. I might be able to keep you safe from the others, but I can't keep you safe from myself.” His face is still, no emotion.
“You're wrong, Adam,” I whisper, remembering Alexander is nearby and may hear us. “You haven't done anything to me.”
“You're wrong. I brought you here. I brought you into this.”
“But-”
“I did this to you.” He pulls my hand up so we can both see the deep purple bruising on my wrist from when he was medicated at the Tonopah District and twisted my arm. “I can't trust myself around you. I let my guard down and I can't let it happen again.”
“Don't do this, Adam,” I beg him.
“I've made the decision. I'm sorry. I thought I could change this, us, the way the world is now. I've done nothing but make this worse.” He pauses, looking down at his hands. “They trained me to do things that normal people wouldn’t. Did you see how quickly I fell back into being that person?” He closes his eyes, squeezing his fists together. “You’re not safe with me, not anymore, not now.”
“Stop, please,” I try to argue with him. “You’ve done nothing to me.” I'm tired of people making decisions for me, tired of them thinking they know what's best for my life.
He turns to walk away but I pull at his arm and his shoulders as he walks out the door of my bunk. He simply shrugs me off. "You should get some sleep."
His suggestion is nothing but a slap in the face. He knows I won’t sleep. I can’t sleep. And now I may never sleep again.
Meanwhile,
in the Phoenix District…
Chapter twenty-three
Ian
I stare at my reflection in the small bathroom mirror. My face is slack, eyes partially glazed over. I think I’ve perfected it, the look of the Residents. I close my eyes, memorizing the feel of my face. I think I’ve got it now. When my eyes flick open I stare at myself in the mirror. I don’t look the same. But then, who would look the same after all of this? I touch the switch to the bathroom light immersing myself in darkness. I don’t remember much of what happened. The memories came back slowly. Much slower than I expected. Some days I still feel like I’m in a haze. Some days I am still confused. I think it must be a side-effect of taking that stuff for so long. Sometimes I stand here just like this, alone in the dark. It helps me remember. It helps me feel like I’m not living alone in a trailer on the grounds of the nuclear plant.
Sometimes I imagine I’m home. Sometimes the memories are so strong I can smell the lavender smell of our house, the strawberry smell of Lina’s hair, and Andie. I walk into the small living space. I no longer need the light. I can maneuver this place in the dark, with my eyes closed. There’s not much to the room. It’s a small bathroom, a single-bed, a closet for my clothes, a small table and two chairs. I don’t even have a kitchen or a couch or a television.
There’s a knock on the trailer door. It’s dinner. I know this because they bring it at the same time each night. I’m not sure why they knock. It’s not like I can open the door. It’s locked from the outside. Crane, he calls this my living quarters, but if a door locks from the outside it’s nothing more than a holding cell. I touch the light switch for the living space. A single bulb in the middle of the tiny room illuminates. The door opens. A man wearing the grey Volker uniform walks in carrying a tray. He sets the tray on the table, nods at me, and then leaves. I hear him lock the door from the outside.
Yea, it is definitely a cell.
I walk to the table and look at the tray. There’s a bottle of water, a bowl of brown gruel. I wrinkle my face in disgust remembering that I used to eat that shit.
Walking to the closet I open the door and find the jacket I wore to work yesterday. I reach in the pocket and pull out a shrink-wrapped set of snowballs. Junk food. Andie would kill me if she saw me eating this garbage. I check the date. It expired last year. I squeeze the package. The
snack cakes still feel spongy. Opening the package I shove the entire snowball into my mouth. It’s still good, better than what’s slopped in that bowl. I walk to the table, chewing the spongy cake, trying to swallow it with a dry throat, trying to imagine it as a bacon cheeseburger. Not a sugary snack-cake with an over-dried coconut coating. I pick up the tray and carry it to the small bathroom. I dump the gruel in the toilet. Shoving the last snowball in my mouth I throw the package in the toilet. I stare longingly at the bottle of water. I’m so thirsty. Holding the bottle of water up to the light, I can see the particles floating in it. I could drink it. Just one swallow. But I’ve made that mistake before, that would put me behind. That would fuck up my head again. And then I would lose time, more time than I’ve already lost. And I’ve already lost years. I can’t afford to lose any more. I’ll have to wait until tomorrow. In the morning I can grab another one of those flat sodas from the vending machine and some more to eat. There’s not much left since I started this task of weaning myself off of their food. I’ve gone through all the chips, almost all the snack-cakes. There’s not much left now besides candy bars and gum. I’m going to need a new plan, soon.
It was bad when I stopped eating their meals. Two days without food was doable, but when it got to four something had to change. That’s when I shut down the third reactor. I took it offline, made it look like a computer error. And it worked. Then I found the vending machines. Not long after, the visits started from Crane.
I open the water and pour it into the toilet. My mouth is so dry it doesn’t even salivate at the image of the water. Maybe it’s because I know what it will do to me. I push the handle on the toilet and watch as it flushes. Hitting the light switch on my way out the door I stop in the doorway noticing the bound Manifesto on the floor. They handed me the Manifesto to read one night as I left my office. Bulletins were posted all over the boards at the plant explaining what happened, the bombings, the fall of the United States, this new regime that’s taken over. Then they took us to that assembly at the college. Things were still hazy, but I swear I saw Andie and Lina up on that stage.
The Phoenix Project Series: Books 1-3: The Phoenix Project, The Reformation, and Revelation Page 50