“It doesn’t matter. I killed him.” And I killed an innocent man. I shot him in the head, without a thought.
“You can’t blame yourself for his death.”
“I can blame myself for having an affair with him.”
“Do you see your infant as a reminder of his death?”
“No,” I answer quickly. I could never see Raven connected with his death. He is innocent, a child brought into this world by lust. He is just a reminder of my sins, not of Adam’s death.
“How is your routine, with the children and your work at the Pasture? It’s not overwhelming at all?”
“No.” I shake my head. “I’m managing it all just fine.”
“You? By yourself?” he asks. “Ian doesn’t help you?”
“I’ve never asked him to. I haven’t needed his help.”
“You cannot bear the burdens of the entire household as well as your work as District Matchmaker on just your shoulders. You are a family, a workable unit. Ian is there as the father figure to help and support you.”
“I’ve just…” I brush a lock of hair out of my face and tuck it into the bun holding my hair. “It’s easier doing it myself. He’s been through so much already.”
“And you feel guilty about what he’s been through?”
“I feel guilty that I didn’t fight to save him when this all started. I let Crane take him away and do whatever he did with him. And I moved on.”
“You were under excessive circumstances and stress,” Dr. Akiyama offers. “I’m sure Ian would understand, if not have compassion for all that you went through.”
“No.” I fumble with my sweater buttons. “No husband would have compassion for me, not after the things that I’ve done.”
“Do you speak to him?”
“Sometimes.”
Dr. Akiyama clears his throat. “When I say speak, I mean, do you produce full sentences and converse about things directly related to your life now?”
“Not really,” I admit.
“Have you resumed relations with him?”
“That’s none of your business.” I look away, feeling the flush of red heading for my cheeks.
“You’re well over eight weeks post-partum,” he tells me. “There’s no reason why you-”
“I know!” I interrupt him. “That’s so personal and it’s not a topic I want to discuss.”
“He still has a separate room doesn’t he?”
“You speak with him. I’m sure he’s already told you this. Besides, I’m sure he wouldn’t want me anyway, not after what I’ve done.”
“I sense…” Dr. Akiyama leans forward, closer to me. “I sense you are speaking of something else, something other than this affair that worries you.”
I simply stare at him. He must know. I’m sure all of the Funding Entities were informed of it. It was a test, after all. Every stop on that tour was a test, for both of us.
“Andie?”
He must know.
“What else is there?”
I pull the sweater tighter, pressing the edge of the button under my fingernail and the sharp pain focuses me. “I killed someone,” I tell him. “I killed a man in cold-blood. I murdered him.” Moving my hands to my face, I notice that they shake slightly.
“This bothers you immensely?”
“Wouldn’t it you?”
“The world is different now.”
“How different? Does it no longer matter if we kill each other?”
“The person you killed was meant to die.”
“No,” I argue. “No. We don’t decide who dies. I don’t decide who dies. I’m just supposed to sort genes, and pair the Residents up, and create these people for Crane.”
“You will do more. I know this.” He sets the notebook and pen on the table next to him and leans forward again, clasping his hands together. “Andie, sometimes… sometimes the higher we are in the pyramid of life, the harder the decisions we must make to better those below us.”
“I wasn’t brought up to believe that. I was brought up to believe that murder is wrong. What do I tell my children if they find out? That it’s okay, sometimes? That it’s okay if someone wants you to do it. They are supposed to look up to me. I am supposed to guide them through life. How can they believe anything I say to them, or suggest to them, when they know I performed the greatest sin of life? I killed someone. I shot him in the head. I took his life!”
Dr. Akiyama waves his hand in an arc in front of me. “There was another reason why you shot that man. You didn’t just do it because someone told you that you had to. What is the other reason?”
I bite my lip, hard. I remember the look on his face. That lost, hopeless look as he passed the gun between his hands. And he had already killed one man on that trip, the one that seeded the ocean with iron. Or at least that is what they told us. The man that taunted Adam, the one from the Middle East. I did it for him. But I don’t want to say his name. I don’t want to hear it on my lips.
“Andie?”
“I did it so he didn’t have to,” I finally say.
“So who didn’t have to?”
“Adam!” I almost shout. “I killed that man so Adam didn’t have to.”
“Why?”
“Because he had already been through so much. And I could see it on his face. It was killing him. Everything that happened to him came back the moment he looked at that helicopter as we prepared to leave for Galena.” Remembering the look on his haunted face, I stand and start pacing the office as I speak. “I could see it in his eyes. The way he carried himself. He wouldn’t talk to me anymore. They ruined him. They taunted him with that Chinook and that man from the Middle East, and then told him to kill again. I couldn’t just watch him fall apart like that. Not after all he’s done-did, after all he did.” I stop, now standing behind the couch where I was sitting. I place my hands on the back of it. “I couldn’t watch him fall apart like that. It was killing me.” I take a deep breath and look up to see Dr. Akiyama lean back in his seat.
“There is something honorable in taking a life so someone you love doesn’t have to. There is something honorable in settling that on your conscience, so someone you love doesn’t have to suffer with that guilt for the rest of their lives. You did Adam a favor.”
I push off the back of the couch and turn away from Dr. Akiyama, walking towards the window, my arms crossed tightly across my chest. “He’s dead now. So I guess it doesn’t matter,” I mumble.
“He died to honor you. For all that you’ve done for him.”
“I did nothing for him besides get him killed.”
“You birthed his child. A firstborn son. Something I’m sure he was proud of.”
I turn around to face him. “I wouldn’t know. After he looked at that Chinook he never said another meaningful sentence to me about the baby. We didn’t even pick out a name. Never once did he suggest anything.”
Dr. Akiyama simply nods his head slowly and lifts his left leg, crossing it over the knee of his opposite leg. “Who else have you told this to?” he asks.
“Told what to?”
“That you killed a man and that this weighs heavily on your conscience.”
“No one.”
“Not even Ian?”
“No.” I move to return to my seat on the couch, across from the doctor. “I can’t tell Ian. He would definitely never speak to me again.”
“Why is that?”
“You don’t know him, his beliefs. He was raised in a strict Roman Catholic home. He’s the reason why Lina went to Catholic School. Those were his beliefs and I followed them with him because I loved him. He doesn’t believe in capital punishment or death for a good cause. None of that. He believes if you kill someone then your soul will rot in hell for all of eternity.”
“You don’t like that he fears for your soul? That you may never ascend into heaven together when this life is over?”
“I don’t like that this will cause him to think even less of me.”
> “What makes you think he would think less of you?”
“Because of everything I did.”
“Andromeda, this conversation is going around in circles. You need to set forth a plan to put your relationship on the mend. Ian is your husband. You are both Sovereign. The first married Sovereign couple in this District. You need to set the stage for others to follow in your footprints. You can’t have a marriage that doesn’t work, this will not be allowed.”
“What do I do? Where am I supposed to start with him?”
“Talk to him.”
“About what?”
“Anything, everything. Start with the day to day topics and then move on from there.”
“And tell him what I did.” I bite my lip in anticipation of his answer.
“If you mean tell him that you killed that man, then yes. There should be no secrets between you both.”
“And if that means he never speaks to me again?”
“Then at least he knows the truth and you have nothing left to hide. What does it feel like right now? How would you describe the way you feel?”
“It feels like…” I swallow hard, trying to catch my breath; this is how it always is when I thinking of all of these things together. “It feels like I’m drowning.”
“Have you been sleeping at night?”
“Yes.” I turn to look directly at him so he knows I’m serious, telling the truth. “I sleep perfectly fine every night.”
“No nightmares like you used to have?”
I shake my head. Only someone with a severe problem can kill a person and still sleep at night.
Newlyweds for fourteen months,
and counting…
chapter five
Maybe the gravestone was a bad idea. I walk to it every day carrying Raven. I tell him stories, stories of our life before this. Fairytales, really. It all seems like fairytales now. He will never see the world as I once knew it. He will never know what it’s like to go to the mall on Christmas, to play sports in school, to go to prom. My children will never know the life we had before.
I get the sense Lina may remember some of it, but not much.
I take one last look at the cold marble before heading to pick up Lina from the schoolhouse.
“Mommy?” she asks me as we walk to the alpaca pen to feed them. Stevie trots behind us, her tail wagging with excitement at seeing the animals. “Why did everything change?”
“What do you mean, Lina?”
“Everything is different now. I miss our old house and my old school.”
“That was years ago, Lina. You still remember all of that?”
“Yes. Why did it all change?”
“Well, some people thought it would be a good way to keep our planet healthy.”
“Why does our planet need to be healthy?” she asks and I wonder to myself if we really had sheltered her that much during her first five years of life.
“Because there were a lot of people and there was no one to teach them how to… Well, to control them, to stop them from polluting the earth.” I search for the appropriate words to help an eight year old understand why Crane and his Entities did this.
“Maybe people don’t want to be controlled. Maybe they want to be free.”
“I’m sure you are right, honey.”
“Do you still love Daddy?” She asks, staring intently with her green flecked eyes.
I stop dead in my tracks. I was not prepared for this. “Yes.”
“Then why don’t you hug him or kiss him like you used to?” she asks, tipping her head to the side, waiting, as I fight inside my brain for the best answer.
“Do you remember when he wasn’t living with us?” I ask her.
“Yes.”
“Well, when two people go through something like that, sometimes it’s hard for them to remember how much they loved each other before.”
She stares at me and reaches down for Raven’s hand. “So if someone took me away, or baby Raven, you would forget that you loved us?”
My heart breaks in that instant, as she stares so intently at me, trying to make sense of what is happening to her parents.
“No, Lina,” I kneel and pull them both close to me. “I would never forget how much I love you both. It is impossible for a mother to no longer love her children.”
And then I pull them so close, kissing them both on their cheeks.
“Mom,” Lina continues. “Why didn’t Adam ever come back?”
“There was an accident,” I hold her away from me so I can look at her while I speak. “There was an accident when mommy was sick and in the hospital, and Adam was hurt really bad.”
“And he died?”
“Yes.” I nod at her.
“I miss him sometimes,” she says with a quiver in her voice.
I pull her close again and I realize at this moment that this conversation is long overdue, about fourteen months overdue. “I miss him too,” I whisper to her and squeeze my eyes closed, feeling the swell of tears behind them. I take a deep breath and open my eyes, feeling Raven’s little hand resting on my cheek and his other hand resting on Lina’s head.
--
Raven still doesn’t cry. He doesn’t speak. He doesn’t even try to utter a sound. It’s abnormal for a toddler. Dr. Akiyama worries that he suffered some in-utero damage, that he could be handicapped. I know he’s not. He’s just quiet. Observant. His eyes are inquisitive. I’ve watched him do things most toddlers don’t. He started walking when he was eight months old. He’s stopped using diapers. He listens, he understands. Raven is far from handicapped. But then, that’s the same thing Baillie thought about me. He told me so, when he hung me by my neck over the bridge.
I feel Raven rub his fingers over my face. He must be tired or bored.
“Say goodbye,” I tell him.
Raven waves at the gravestone and then to the Guardians that watch us from the forest edge. I’ve never pointed out that the large dogs watch us from the forest edge, but somehow Raven knows they are there.
I walk back to our house, stopping when I see Ian’s car parked near the barn. He should be at work for a few more hours. I get that tight feeling in my chest thinking about us being alone in the house as Lina finishes class and Raven sleeps. I’m still not ready for a real conversation with him. Instead of heading home, I walk to the barn and collect the SUV keys from Elvis’s desk.
“Going somewhere?” Elvis asks from the doorway as I’m walking towards him.
“Just for a ride.” I motion to Raven. “He’s having trouble sleeping. I thought a quiet ride might help.”
Raven scowls at me, or maybe at my lie.
“How long will you be gone?”
“I’ll be back before the children are done with class.” I walk out of the barn and towards the SUV that I share with Elvis.
“Should I tell Ian?” he asks as he follows me.
“You can tell Ian whatever you want,” I reply loudly, a little too loudly. Instantly wishing I hadn’t because I can see Ian’s figure standing on the front porch of the house as I walk away.
I buckle Raven into an old car seat Sam found. One of the Guardians waits expectantly for me to move so it can jump into the vehicle. I get into the driver’s seat and drive away, my heart thudding in my chest the entire time. I don’t know why I’m such a jerk to him, I don’t know why I don’t even try to make things better.
It’s been fourteen months of us living together, never really saying much to each other. And each night he paces and then walks out the front door to places unknown. I can’t bring myself to stand in the same room with him without the children there as a distraction, and I don’t even know why. I wanted him back so badly and now I don’t even know what to do with him.
It doesn’t help that Crane has made Ian Sovereign and has spent the last few months teaching Ian everything he missed when he was under the same medication regimen as the Residents.
Sometimes when we are in Committee meetings and Ian doesn’t
understand something, creases form across his forehead and around his mouth. I’m sure he wants to ask me questions, maybe have deep conversations about what happened and how this place is being run, but I have no desire to speak of the Sovereign Committee meetings. I have no desire to speak of any of it.
I drive along the quiet country roads until I realize where I’ve brought myself; the county graveyard. I pull over to the side of the road and look out the window. Raven kicks my seat. He must be bored.
“Want to go for a walk?” I ask him. I know he’s not going to answer, but I assume he’d say yes. I get out and release the Guardian. I pick up Raven and carry him up the overgrown, pebbled driveway.
There are scores of locals buried here, families that have lived in this area for centuries. My family as well; my parents and grandparents. I look at Raven, wondering if he’d like to hear about his ancestors. I walk towards the family plot, someplace I haven’t been in years, at least not since before I had Lina. I walk up the hill, taking the trail that leads to the left. I see the old mausoleum, and knowing that our family plot should be behind that area, I head in that direction.
We walk through the sea of stones. I stop when I come to the familiar granite stones adorned with small angels seated at the corners. The last time I was here, I had to bury my mother next to my father.
“Ah, here we are,” I tell Raven as I set him down. He toddles over to the gravestone and places his hand on it.
“Those were your grandparents, your grandfather and grandmother,” I tell him. “Your grandfather was lots of fun. He was a professor at the college, knew lots of crazy things about the Greeks. That’s how I got my name, Andromeda; she was a Greek princess and when her parents declared that she was more beautiful than the sea nymphs, she was chained to a rock as a sacrifice to protect her land from a sea monster.” Raven’s eyes narrow on me as he judges the truthfulness of my story. “Perhaps this is a little much for you,” I tell him. “Anyways, it means leader of men-” I stop short, digesting the information I’ve just told my son, information that I haven’t thought about in a long time. Strange.
The Phoenix Project Series: Books 1-3: The Phoenix Project, The Reformation, and Revelation Page 57