“Daddy did, but he just got back out.”
Raven closes his eyes and leans into me.
“I think it’s time for him to get a big boy bed,” Lina tells me.
Ian walks by the living room. He merely glances in at us and nods before walking towards the kitchen. I hear him start the coffee maker.
A big-boy bed. There is no room for another bed in my bedroom. That means one thing, Raven could take Ian’s room, and we’d have to share, or one of us could take the couch.
I pat Lina on the back. “Let’s get moving. We need to wake up Astrid and get you all ready for school.”
“Okay, Mom.” She slides off my lap and runs to her room.
I stand and carry Raven into the kitchen. “What do you want for breakfast?” I ask him. He raises his head off my shoulder and stares at the side of my face. “Are you ever going to talk to me, Raven?” I turn and look at him, so close in front of my face. He looks just like Adam, his eyes such a pale blue I can see my reflection in them. I push his dark hair across his forehead and he shakes his head from side-to-side. An effective no. “Someday, Raven, you’ll need to speak.” He lays his head back down on my shoulder.
Ian is making his breakfast. He pulls down two mugs from the cupboard, setting them on the counter as the coffee machine spits out fresh coffee. Reaching for the bag of bread, I place four pieces in the oven before filling a pan with water and heating it on the stove for hot cocoa. Then I remember there is no hot cocoa.
Turning the stove off, I walk to the fridge to warm some milk for the children’s breakfast. As I pass by Ian, he reaches out and ruffles Raven’s hair. Raven lifts his head off of my shoulder and leans to the side towards Ian, reaching for Ian to take him. I lean, passing Raven into Ian’s arms, giving him a look of shock. Ian shrugs. Raven has never gone to Ian. Not that I ever forced him to, or that Ian ever pushed the issue. Raven has always been in my arms, in his crib, or toddling around the house.
I watch as Raven lays his head on Ian’s shoulder, his little arm settles across Ian’s back. I reach for the breakfast plates and Ian turns to finish his task, now with just one free arm.
Unable to stop myself, I glance at them out of the corner of my eye. It’s been so long since I saw Ian carry a child. The last time was Lina. This is something that I never expected. It’s comforting, seeing him bond with Raven, since he is the only father Raven will know. He will never know his real father, his real father is dead.
I set out the plates and the mugs, just as the girls run into the kitchen, dashing to their seats dressed and ready for the day. Ian sits at the table in Raven’s seat, Raven on his lap. I look around, never expecting to be sitting at a table with three children and Ian, albeit, it’s a mishmash of ours, mine, and someone else’s.
Stevie nudges my elbow; I pass her a piece of toast.
We eat our breakfast with the girls chatting about which goat is their favorite and the foals that are about to be born. Raven observes, eating his toast in silence. As the children wander off to brush their teeth and get their shoes on, I stand to collect their plates. I catch Ian watching me. I guess I could start trying to be a little nicer, now.
“Thanks for the flowers,” I tell him.
“The girls picked them.”
I look out the window at the melting fields of the Pasture; a few spots of snow still litter the fields. “Where did you find them?” I ask. I hadn’t seen any near the houses or the courtyard.
“Out near the water tower,” he tells me.
I stop. That’s where the grave is. “What were you doing out there?”
“Don’t you bring Raven there every day?”
I didn’t think anyone noticed. “Yes.”
“I brought him there,” he stands and collects his dishes, “while you were gone.”
“You didn’t have to do that, Ian.”
“Yes, I did,” he says firmly.
I guess now I understand why Raven is suddenly so smitten with Ian. Ian is the first person to put forth some effort in trying to understand him.
--
We walk to the schoolhouse. Raven walks on his own now, holding Ian’s hand. I suddenly feel naked, not having Raven on my hip or holding onto me. Not having the comfort of the last tiny bit of Adam close to me.
Blithe is waiting on the porch. Sam stands near her and they talk as the boys run in the open grass of the courtyard. Lina and Astrid run to Sam, throwing their arms around him, greeting him for the day. Raven lets go of Ian’s hand to walk towards me as Ian heads for Sam. I pick up Raven and set him on the porch next to Blithe.
She bends down. “Good morning, Raven,” she says, smiling.
Raven just stares at her.
“Can you say good morning?” I ask him.
He looks between us, saying nothing, his chubby cheeked face placid. A crease appears between Blithe’s brows. I know what she’s thinking; he doesn’t even try to speak. He makes no attempt. I kiss Raven on the cheek. “I’ll see you in a few hours,” I tell him.
His expression changes. I think he’s mad-no, that’s an understatement: he’s pissed.
Blithe herds the children into the schoolhouse. Lina runs to me for a hug. Astrid runs to Sam for a hug. We leave them at the schoolhouse to learn all the things Crane thinks are important. I’m sure he wouldn’t be happy to hear about the things I teach her, when school is out, after dinner. I tell her things, about how the world used to work. Things he probably doesn’t want her to know.
“Shouldn’t you be at Headquarters?” I ask Sam.
“Headed there now, just needed to speak with Elvis first.”
I remember I need to talk with him too. I need to arrange a burial for Morris. We walk to the barn together, and Ian follows, veering off towards his vehicle with a short goodbye as he leaves for the plant. Sam knocks on Elvis’s office door.
“Come in!” Elvis shouts. We both enter. “What can I help you with?” Elvis asks.
If he was sad about Morris’s passing, he hides it well. Since he is one of the Entities I would expect for him to feel something in the death of one of his cohorts. Instead, I don’t see a wrinkle of caring on his tanned face.
Sam gestures for me to go first.
“I want a grave for Morris. Out near the water tower,” I tell Elvis.
“Figured you would,” he replies. “Have someone working on the granite now.”
“How long should it take?”
“Few days, once the ground thaws fully we can dig. Give him a proper burial.”
“Good,” I tell him.
We stand in silence for a moment. Sam looks at me expectantly.
“What?” I ask. Then I remember Sam needs to speak with Elvis also. Must be he doesn’t want me around for it. “Bye,” I tell them, turning to leave.
I guess these people have already stressed the importance of secrets to my brother. I guess it’s expected of him now. It was how Adam had that job; his ability to keep secrets, to find out information. I’m sure Elvis is training him now. Teaching him how to keep his face placid, how to be deceiving. This is not what I want to see Sam turn into. This is what I worked so hard to protect him from.
--
“Committee meeting today,” Ian tells me.
“How do you know?”
“Crane called while you were bringing the kids to the schoolhouse.”
“Okay, just give me a sec.” Leaving Ian standing on the porch, I head into the house, grab a sweater from my room and pull my hair up into a bun. When I get back to the porch Ian is still standing there, waiting.
“Want to ride together?” he asks.
“Uh, sure.”
I follow him to his car, one of the Volker SUV’s. It kind of perturbs me that he was designated a vehicle before me. But then, Ian follows the rules here so I guess he’s earned it.
He steps in front of me and opens the passenger door. “You look nice,” he says, smiling.
I feel my eyes widen, a bit shocked. I’m wearing noth
ing more than what I always wear; slacks, boots, blouse. Maybe it’s the sweater, because it hides the necklace Adam gave me, the one I’ve been unable to remove from around my neck.
“Uh, thanks.” I slide into the passenger seat. Ian closes the door and makes his way to the driver’s seat. As he drives, I try to interrupt the awkward silence. “No work today?” I ask him.
“Got the day off.” He smiles as he drives the poorly kept country roads into town.
Nobody gets a day off in the Phoenix District. “What are you up to?” I ask him.
He shrugs. “Nothing. Just headed to a meeting with you.” He smiles. I remember this, this playful banter we used to have. It seems strange right now, forced. But, I’m not sure how to interact anymore. I just sit, staring out the window, watching the order of the District as we drive. I notice Ian takes a turn towards the lake, a detour from our usual route.
“Where are you going?” I ask him, sitting up straighter.
“Just need to make a quick stop.”
“A quick stop? Out here?” The view of the lake emerges as Ian crests a hill. There is a length of green grass and then an endless dark blue body of water.
He stops in front of the lake at an open park. He gets out and opens my door. “Come with me.” He tips his head towards the open park, his mouth upturned in a boyish half smile.
I follow him, not sure of what he has planned. I don’t like surprises, not anymore. “Crane will be mad if we’re late,” I warn him.
“We’ve got time,” he tells me with confidence.
We walk side-by-side across the great expanse of lawn. The asphalt sidewalk has been replaced with a cobblestone one. It looks nice, quaint. Ian stops at the wooden fence at the edge of the park. There is a straight drop down to the lake. There used to be boats here. A marina and docks. It’s all been removed; the break-wall has been extended, heightened. I can see the gleam of the chain link fence which has been added to the break-wall. I haven’t been out here in years. I haven’t seen the changes and just how different it is.
Tugging the neck of my sweater up, I try to ward off the cold lake breeze.
“Andie,” Ian turns to me. “Do you remember this place?”
My eyes wander to the surrounding maple trees. Of course I do. This is where he proposed to me, so many years ago. It wasn’t springtime, though, it was fall. My favorite season. He paid Sam one-hundred dollars to collect every last orange leaf in town. And he brought me to this spot. I close my eyes, remembering. We had just gotten over a horrible fight. I had accused him of not spending enough time with me, that he had been ignoring me. In all seriousness he had every right to. He was in his last semester working hard on defending his thesis on the sustainability of nuclear energy, during a time when everyone wanted the nuclear plants closed down. Some feared a nuclear emergency, that our water and soil was already contaminated. Little did they know what was to come, and that the nuclear reactors would one day be responsible for their safety.
But that day, that day it was beautiful with the orange and the green and the blue of the lake. It smelled like apples and freshly sharpened pencils. And he was so handsome with his blonde hair and brown eyes and fair skin. Ian wore dark jeans, a blue dress shirt and a khaki jacket. He got down on one knee and proposed. And I accepted, practically ripping the ring away from him. It was simple ring, small and perfect. I remember I hugged him, and I kissed him, and I laughed, and I cried. He smelled like lemons and mint.
He still smells like lemons and mint.
I sniff the air, tilt my head, it’s more like lemons today. I open my eyes to find Ian standing directly in front of me. His face softened, poignant. He must remember too. He must remember everything we were and everything we are having such a hard time returning to. He just doesn’t have the memories in between. The ones I have that are so hard to forget, the ones where he was taken away from me and I was forced to move on as though he were the one that was dead. But he’s alive, standing here in front of me now. I have him back, I just don’t know what to do with him anymore.
“I know it’s hard,” he tells me, almost whispering. “But I want you to try.” I stare back at him, at his familiar face. “We were great once. Really, really great.”
“I know,” I say.
“Can you try?” he asks. “Can’t you try just a little bit harder?” he steps back, drops to one knee, holds something up to me.
My eyes focus on his hand and I see he’s holding my engagement ring. I haven’t seen it since… since before all of this. I left it at home because we weren’t allowed to wear jewelry at the hospital where I worked.
I stand there, silent. I could try. I should try. I should try and do something. I should make some effort. I raise my hand to accept the ring. But instead of dropping it in the palm of my hand, Ian grasps my fingers, turns my hand, and pushes the engagement ring onto my ring finger.
This time I don’t laugh, I don’t cry, I’m actually not sure what to do. And then Ian moves so quickly, before I even have a chance to react. Standing, stepping towards me, reaching for me, his hand brushes across my cheek, pulls the pin from my hair, releasing it into the afternoon breeze. His fingers sink into my hair as he presses his lips to mine. He inhales through his nose, breathing me in, pressing his lips harder, hungry, like he’s been starved to do this for years. He has been starved for years. And still, here I am, continuing to starve him.
He softens.
I stiffen, trying to remember how to do this with him.
He stops. “Aren’t you going to kiss me back?” he asks, breathless.
“I just did.”
“No, you didn’t.” He kisses my cheek, buries his face in my hair.
I want to tell him something, a reason, an excuse. But I’m sure he won’t believe me. He wants a fairytale when our new reality is that we are living in what seems like some alternate universe.
I’m afraid to go back to the way things were. Because it’s been two years that Crane has left me in peace. It won’t be long now; something is going to happen, soon. Going to Crystal River was just the beginning. Crane will continue on with his twisted games, endangering the lives of everyone I love while he tries to create his perfect world and uses me to help him do it.
“Let’s go.” Ian gives up. He takes my hand and leads me back to his vehicle so we can continue on to the committee meeting.
--
Morris’s seat has been removed from the table. And now Sam sits across from me in Adam’s old seat. There’s just an empty space there, now that I have taken his place. Perhaps I should feel different, more powerful, more in-control of the future. Instead, I feel a little numb. Between Ian’s advances, the decisions I made in Crystal River, and the genetically defunct child that I let into that District, it’s all making me feel a little off kilter, more than usual. Now sitting here, next to the orange-haired dictator, I have to keep reminding myself to pay attention.
Crane starts the meeting.
“Welcome, Sovereign. We have one topic on the agenda today and that is the Sovereign children, one in particular.” He pauses to look at me. “Raven Somers.”
The topic pops up on my computer screen as each of the Sovereign look to theirs.
“What are you talking about?” I ask, glancing at the report in front of me. It’s a copy of a record, his medical record, a report of his milestones. I’ve never seen this before.
“Well, Andromeda, I’m sure you’ve noticed he’s not normal. There’s something wrong with him.”
“He’s fine. He’s just a quiet baby,” I argue. “I would know if there was something wrong with him. He’s my child, Crane!”
“If he doesn’t start meeting milestones then we have to make other arrangements for him.”
“What do you mean other arrangements?”
“We don’t have the means to care for children, or adults for that matter, that are… handicapped. None of the Districts do. This is the reason for your pairings, to prevent such occurrences, t
o ensure the genetic diversity and robustness of all Residents and Sovereign.”
I don’t bother telling him that Adam and I were a perfect match. I reviewed our data when I was pregnant. There is no way in hell Raven has any handicaps, if anything he is more intelligent than most of the people in this room. Unless, perhaps he was without oxygen at delivery for an extended period of time. But that would have been noticeable. There is absolutely no way.
“And what would you plan on doing with them?” I ask.
“Send them away or…” He smirks, his stupid smirk. “Euthanize them.”
My blood boils. “How do you think you know so much about my child? You’ve never met him. You’ve never spent one second of your life with him!”
He smiles, adjusts his tie. It’s green today. I’d like to strangle him with it. “There are still many things you are not privy to.”
So quickly Crane returns to his usual ways. I thought that Adam’s death might have changed him, since he was being so nice before. But now I see that I was wrong.
“Leave the children alone, Crane,” I warn him.
Crane leans toward me, drops his voice so only I can hear him. “You shouldn’t have let that child into Crystal River.”
--
I slam the door to Ian’s vehicle just as Ian gets in the driver’s seat. He doesn’t start the car.
“You see?” I practically scream. “You see what happens? It was only a matter of time before he started in again.”
“I wasn’t expecting him to pull that,” Ian admits, reaching in slow motion to put the key in the ignition.
“This is your first lesson, Ian. This is what Crane does. He likes to dangle shiny things on fishing wire.”
“What do we do?” He stares straight ahead as he asks.
“What I’ve always done.” I buckle the seat belt. “Everything in my power to protect my children. We need to get back to the Pasture, now.”
Ian doesn’t wait for me to give orders. He starts the truck and speeds out of town.
I almost forgot what this feeling was like. My heart beating so fast I can’t keep myself still. I want to leap from the SUV and run the rest of the way to the Pasture, as though I could run as fast as Ian is driving. I can’t run that fast. This knowledge doesn’t stop the adrenaline from pumping through my veins. It’s overwhelming.
The Phoenix Project Series: Books 1-3: The Phoenix Project, The Reformation, and Revelation Page 66