‘Go ahead, Maria.’ Voices mingled and confused me.
The blood on the bed sheet. What was I to do about it? Mother mustn’t see it. I had to hide it, wash it without her knowing about it. I ignored the pain and rose from the bed. There wasn’t much blood, but it was clearly noticeable. The bed spread had slipped and was partially on the floor, the blanket and bed sheet were in a jumble. I quickly pulled everything off and piled it on the chair in my room. Now the bottom sheet. I pulled it off the mattress and folded it up, hiding the stain. Maybe Mother wouldn’t notice. Of course she would notice. I had to clean it myself. I secretly had to boil some water, and somehow get a hold of some soap. I had to find soap without her noticing. How would I ever be able to get rid of those stains?
I shuddered and felt the intense pain where he had humiliated me. Pain became my life and filled my mind. Behind my own eyes I saw flashes of his piercing eyes glaring at me, his mouth calling me whore, his hands resting on my mother’s shoulders while at the same time touching me. Her eyes filled with sadness looking at me, speaking to me apprehensively.
‘Is it true, Maria?’
The pain deep inside when she turned away, to him.
‘No!’
But she was gone already. She had never really been there for me.
Darkness surrounded me and I groped around in the emptiness. The silence was intense and sounded more piercing than all the sounds I knew. Where was I, what had happened? The pain seemed to be gone, my body felt weightless and oddly absent. I wanted to look down, see my legs, but everything was black, there was nothing. The emptiness around me filled me with fear, it stretched out its tentacles toward me and smothered me. I tried to breath and wanted to call out, but no sound came over my lips. Once again I tried to use my eyes to see, my hands to feel, but fear was all I found.
I wanted to run, shriek, flee, or fight, but my body no longer was obedient to my will and I could do nothing. With my eyes closed I waited for what would come, his hands, his breath, his voice, his body, his punishment. My body arched forward and I tensed all my muscles in desperate resistance.
Then there was a loud shriek.
Suddenly a bright light appeared.
‘Maria, you have a beautiful daughter!’
More shrill screams reached my ears and all of a sudden I was able to move and open my eyes.
Light.
I saw real light.
Only now did I realize what the words I had heard actually meant. Was it really true? Had I given birth to a child, a little girl?
‘Here she is, she’s a beautiful child.’
Blurred outlines turned into clear images and I saw Auntie with in her arms an incredibly small bundle that she tenderly handed to me. A pink little body, wrapped in blankets. I looked at Auntie and saw tears in her eyes. Had she noticed it too, the darkness, the emptiness?
I opened my mouth to ask her, but she handed me the bundle and smiled.
‘Look, your daughter.’ Here voice faltered when she spoke, but I ignored it.
The small weight in my arms squirmed about and I saw my child’s blue eyes. I smiled and brought her tiny body towards me so I could stroke her cheek with mine. She was so soft, I had never felt anything like it.
For a minute I glanced up at Auntie to share my joy with her, but to my amazement I saw pain and sadness in her eyes. When she noticed me she quickly smiled and said, ‘It’s a miracle, so amazingly beautiful.’
I nodded but said nothing. For a moment I considered her pain, Auntie would never be able to experience motherhood. But then I was quickly distracted by those tiny eyes squinted so tightly, that tiny, O-shaped yawning mouth, and I smiled softly. A miracle?
Maybe.
‘Just hand the little girl to me for a moment, Maria, then I’ll wash her.’ I had no idea for how long I had been admiring my daughter, but it was difficult for me to let go of her. I was reassured when I saw how tenderly Auntie cared for her. I leaned back against the pillow and looked on while Auntie gently washed away the stains with a wet cloth.
After that Auntie gave her a diaper and next she dressed my child in the white garments she had laid out. I observed everything she did. So here she was, finally. And despite the fact that her origin and conception had been evil, this child was good.
Auntie was finished and laid my little girl in the old cradle we had cleaned together and re-upholstered. I had no idea when Auntie had brought the cradle into my room, probably during the contractions when she was walking about getting everything ready. A wail of protest came from the cradle as Auntie nestled my little girl in it, but she took no notice.
‘Just let her cry for a little while,’ she said when I sat up and already stretched out my arms to hold her. ‘Now we first need to look after you. When you’re done it’s her turn again.’
‘But she’s crying.’
‘Of course she’s crying. It’s a strange world she’s entered.’ Auntie smiled as she spoke, but I couldn’t smile. A strange world, indeed. A cruel world.
‘I’m going to wash you first, and then you can hold her again.’
‘No.’ I shook my head. ‘I’ll wash myself.’
I couldn’t bear the idea of her hands moving across my naked body. No matter what, I would no longer accept anyone except myself to touch my body in such an intimate manner. I had had enough.
‘You’re exhausted now, let me help you.’
‘No. I’ll do it myself.’
‘Absolutely not.’ Suddenly she was a stern farmwoman and, just like Grandma, she stood with her hands firmly placed on her hips.
‘I’ve seen it all already, girl, there’s no point in worrying yourself about that anymore. I’ll wash you.
I wanted to protest, beat her hands away, get up and run off, but I lacked the strength.
She came back again with a bowl of warm water and fresh cloths and she pulled back the sheets.
‘You just sit straight now.’ Her voice was kind and soft and I obediently did as she said. Then I closed my eyes shut and with my fists I scrunched up the stiff sheet beneath my body. For a moment I could feel cold air on my skin, and then there were the soft, warm cloth and slow, gentle movements. Light and darkness battled, but her gentle voice seemed to attract the light and push away the darkness more and more.
I listened to her voice as it mingled with the wails of my daughter and I allowed myself to be distracted by their presence.
‘I’m calling her Mara.’
I hadn’t thought about it beforehand. Despite the fact that I had been feeling closer to the child inside me, I had never been able to accept reality to the point that I had come up with a name. The thought had not occurred to me. Now that I had seen her though, it was impossible not to name her.
I looked expectantly at Auntie, curious to see her reaction. She disappointed me enormously when she simply turned away and left the room without a word. Had she not heard me, or did she disagree with my choice?
I thought about it for a while, but I soon forgot about my annoyance. It was much more important that the little girl would get to know her name. So I whispered in her ear, over and over, how beautiful she was and that her name was Mara.
After I fed her and she almost fell asleep in my arms, I called Auntie, so she could put her in her cradle.
When she came in I was shocked to notice that her eyes were red.
‘Did you cry?’
I thought that she shook her head slightly in a quiet denial, but I wasn’t sure. When she had picked up Mara and turned towards the cradle, she spoke.
‘It has been a long night. I’m tired.’
Her voice sounded listless, sad and unsteady, but I ascribed that to her tiredness. After she had gently tucked Mara in under a woolen blanket she left the room without another glance at me.
Soon enough I had forgotten about her strange behavior and I fell asleep, comforted by Mara’s soft mumbling baby noises.
Only a short while later I was woken up by Mien’s loud voi
ce. She had arrived and made a big fuss about the fact that everything was over already.
‘You little rapscallion.’ She stood by the cradle, sternly waving her finger at tiny little Mara. ‘You did it all way too quickly. That poor mother of yours.’
I silently watched and smiled when I heard what Mien was telling my daughter.
‘You’re a beautiful child.’ Mien bent over the cradle and I thought she kissed Mara. Then she walked up to me. Her wrinkled hand took mine and squeezed it gently. I couldn’t help myself squeezing back, though I wasn’t sure what she expected of me.
‘So you do have some strength left,’ Mien spoke. ‘It’s a beautiful girl in that cradle.’
I nodded and smiled, but before I could speak Mien continued to talk.
‘Let me have a look at you.’ With a jerk she pulled the blanket away. ‘Just go and lie down now.’
Though I didn’t want to, her voice and hands forced me to obey. As I lay down she washed her hands in the basin beside the bed. She gently examined me and after a few minutes looked up and pulled the blankets back.
‘You did very well for a first one, a bit fast, but very well. You’re young and healthy though, you’ll heal quickly.’
Again she washed her hands and kept on talking.
‘I’ll give your aunt instructions. I know Be, she’ll look after you very well. I’ll come and see you regularly to make sure you’re healing properly. You mustn’t get out of your bed too soon, you hear?’
I shook my head, then nodded. No, I wouldn’t leave the bed too soon. Yes, I heard her. ‘You’ll also need to know that you’ll soon have sore and heavy breasts. You’re producing milk now and you’ll feel the pressure of it. In your case it’ll be more difficult than usual, but I’ll give your aunt instructions for this too. It usually lasts only for a few days. Do take care not to catch a fever during that time. You can easily catch something. You’ll be very susceptible to the slightest cold. In a week or so your body will have forgotten everything, and…’
Her words poured over me and immediately slipped off me. My thoughts remained with the little miracle in the cradle. My daughter. A few of Mien’s words suddenly caught my attention.
‘It’s the best thing for you and the child. Don’t you agree, Maria?’
Of course I wanted the best thing for me and my child. I closed my eyes and tried to think back to what Mien had just said, but the words had floated off like leaves in the wind and I couldn’t recall.
‘Do we agree, Maria?’
Mien spoke with more emphasis and I looked at her, then nodded my head. Yes, sure, we agreed, I wouldn’t exhaust myself too much, I would obediently do as Auntie bade me, and I would love the child I had given birth to.
‘Good. I’ll be back tomorrow.’
She turned to leave, then stopped for a moment at the cradle to murmur something to my child. Then she looked over her shoulder, gave me an encouraging nod and left.
Before the door was even closed I had already lowered myself into my bed and closed my eyes. I was tired and wanted to dream of my joy.
The remainder of that first day and night passed in a daze of sleeping, feeding, enjoying my daughter and sleeping yet more. I couldn’t understand how Auntie managed to be there every time to lift Mara out of her cradle and hand her to me. After all, she had so many other chores to look after, but she was there each time, just so I wouldn’t have to get out of bed.
‘You must call me immediately, Maria, when you’re done with her,’ she said every time she laid Mara in my arms.
I nodded, but when Mara was finished feeding I didn’t call her. I held my daughter close to me and smelled her neck and cheeks. I admired the shape of her tiny ears, I put my index finger in the palm of her hand, and she would hold it tightly.
In the end Auntie would return on her own accord. Mara had by then already fallen asleep in my arms.
‘Why didn’t you call me?’
‘She’s so beautiful.’
‘You should have called me immediately. You must only feed…’
‘Auntie, she’s beautiful, my Mara.’
‘Just give her to me now, I’ll change her diaper.’
So I gave her my daughter and watched how Auntie expertly changed the soiled diaper for a clean one.
‘Reijer has popped in to see how you’re doing and I told him you have a daughter.’ Auntie said while she was busy changing the diaper. ‘He’ll be back tomorrow.’
I nodded, but didn’t respond. I hoped my body would heal quickly so I could learn how to look after my child myself. When I watched Auntie, it didn’t look hard at all. I wanted to ask her to show me next time, but I was too tired and closed my eyes before the words could cross my lips.
16
It took me a while to notice. The silence in my room, the blankets draped over the side of the cradle, Auntie Be quietly sitting on the chair beside my bed. No child in her arms. A heat rose through my body and I threw the blankets aside.
‘Where is Mara?’ My voice shook, sounded shrill, shocked and broken. What started as a whisper grew into a shriek at Auntie, who turned ashen as she looked at me. My question was answered by what I saw in her face. With great effort I hoisted myself up, despite the pain, and I grabbed a hold of her shoulders as I stood in front of her.
‘Where is she!’
‘Mien took her. It’s the best thing for everyone. You never said you wanted it otherwise, Maria.’
That simple answer silenced me, my mouth closed shut, my ears began to hum, my knees wobbled and I fell on the floor. You never said. The accusation hit me like a hammer hits hot metal, and it shaped me. It turned me back to that miserable state I was in for so many years. I never said.
No, I had never said anything. I had been the one who hadn’t wanted my little girl. For many months I had denied her existence, denied her growing within me, wished her dead. For a long time I even refused to think of her as a child. The words I used were thing and creature. To me the child had been unknown, unnamed and unwanted. Mien and Auntie had only done what had seemed best to them.
Auntie Be kneeled down beside me.
‘Did you hurt yourself?’
The absurdness of her question made me laugh out loud, of course I had hurt myself. Life had been ripped out of my body and had been taken away, my heart had been left outside in the freezing cold and had frozen into an icy still life.
She pulled me up, helped me back into bed and carefully pulled the blankets over my cold, shivering body. Then she placed a warm cloth on my forehead and asked if she could do anything for me.
‘Get her back.’
She shook her head in silence.
‘You need to get your strength back. I’ll bring you some food, it is better…’ She stopped, then turned and left the room, leaving me alone, alone with an empty cradle.
I lay in bed and cursed my weakened body, I had to get out, I had to get my child back. She was mine. I had held her in my arms, fed her at my breast, given her my love. She could not leave me now, the only good thing in my life could not be taken away from me now. She had entrusted herself to me and I had promised to protect her. Never would I let her down. But already I had broken that promise.
I tried to get up several times, but each time I slung my legs over the side of the bed the world turned black and I had to lower myself onto the bed again. In the end I decided to try it anyway, and I stood up. I fell down and everything turned black. When I saw light again I stubbornly headed for the door, crawling. I must have made quite a lot of noise, for Auntie had heard me and she entered the room just as I had reached my first goal, the door.
‘Let me go, I have to find her,’ I gasped, sweat dripping down my back.
‘Back to bed with you.’ Her voice was full of authority and I dared not disobey. I turned to crawl the whole distance back. Seeing this, Auntie scolded me and helped me up.
‘Were you planning on crawling down the stairs, breaking your neck and then go look for your daughte
r? Back to bed now, and stay there.’
She tucked me in again, not quite as gently as usual, yet still patiently. She wiped strands of hair out of my face, moist with sweat, and she gave me a drink of water. Then she placed a small pile of linen cloths on the bed.
‘You need to wind these tightly around your chest, to help you dry up your milk supply. She unrolled the cloths and wanted to help me. I shook my head angrily.
‘Please turn around.’ My words sounded curt, but she did as I asked without a fuss.
I sat up straight, pulled my nightgown and undershirt up under my chin and wound the first cloth awkwardly over my breasts. I carefully fastened the cloth with the pin Auntie had given me. I took another cloth and wound that one also around my body. When I was done I lowered my nightgown again. I remained seated straight up in my bed and I looked down my body. It seemed oddly shapeless. I had to dry up my milk supply, I had to put everything behind me and forget everything.
I suddenly remembered Mien’s words, about how my body would soon forget, and I was afraid of the other things she may have said, the words that I simply hadn’t paid any attention to. Was it possible that Mien had told me about all this? That I had been told and never said a word? I shivered, sagged down in my bed and pulled the blanket up.
Auntie noticed my movement and turned around. She tucked me in again and kissed my forehead but she couldn’t take away my pain.
‘Stay in bed, Maria. I’ll see what I can do.’
I nodded listlessly. I was exhausted and closed my eyes, in the darkness I tried to conjure up visions of my child found and returned into my arms. A beautiful dream.
Before Auntie left the room she turned around.
‘I’m sorry, my child,’ she spoke softly. ‘I really thought that this was for the best, that it was what you wanted too. I hope that one day you’ll be able to forgive me. Maybe in the future, when you’re married and will have children within wedlock…’
‘No!’ I opened my eyes and the beautiful vision I had a moment ago disappeared. I screamed at her and beat the mattress. I didn’t want any other children, I didn’t want to get married, never again would I touch a man or would I allow a man to take possession of my body. The only thing I wanted was my own child, my child, who was the result of an intimacy I hated, but whom I had come to love despite everything.
Mara Page 11