‘Maria!’
His voice made me stop. Within me was a turmoil of words and memories. I took a deep breath and counted slowly to five, then I climbed on board, ignoring him.
‘Mr. Kannegieter!’ My voice sounded weak and couldn’t even be heard over the sound of the rain, so I called again. Then I saw Piet Kannegieter’s head appear from the forecastle and he hurried towards me, leaning his head and shoulders forward because of the rain.
‘Are we ready to go?’
‘There’s just one more thing I need to take care of. Would you mind holding on to my daughter for a moment, and keep her dry in the forecastle?’ I pleaded while I held Mara out to him. Piet Kannegieter nodded gravely and asked me no more. His hands were large but gentle as he took Mara from me.
‘I’ll take good care of the little one.’
‘Thank you.’ I watched them go and didn’t turn till I had seen them disappear into the forecastle.
I stepped onto the quay with my gaze steady on the Reverend. He was still a small distance away when I stood still. The Reverend stopped and we both stood there like two fighters in a ring, measuring each other up. With my chin up I met his gaze squarely, unwavering. I searched his face for signs of his God-given authority. My eyes swept several times over his black hair, the angry frown on his forehead, the black eyes and thin lips.
I couldn’t find a trace of the power that once had revolted me and that I had been unable to withstand. Instead I saw a man dressed in black, with wet and unkempt hair, and with a raindrop hanging of his nose that dripped down and kept returning.
My own clothes were also getting drenched by the constant downpour, and I could feel the cold fabric stick to me. But it wasn’t as cold as his fury. I watched him in silence. But the silence didn’t last. He put another step forward, lifted his finger in the air and started to shout.
‘You filthy whore! You disgusting wench! You have ruined my life by coming here with that… that…’ He halted and stammered. Even though I couldn’t see it in the rain, I knew that spittle was flying out of his mouth. ‘That thing!’
Thing.
‘Mara. Her name is Mara!’ My cry was lifted and carried off by the wind into the village, but he didn’t listen and continued his tirade.
‘You have ruined my life! Elder Kleut came to tell me that you were in the village with… with… that bastard! You deserve to be punished. I should punish you. It is your duty to honor your father and your mother. Maria, remember the fifth commandment.’ He wagged his finger back and forth, then made a fist and raised it to heaven to add force to his words.
Unwanted images that were linked to those words returned to me and I wavered unsteadily. What could I do? How could I stand up to him? He was always there, bigger and stronger. So powerful.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I opened up my eyes and looked at him again. The blood raced through my veins and, despite my cold wet clothes, I felt hot. Not today. Not ever again.
I thought of Mother. How she had sat there so lonely on her kitchen chair, ignorant of the pain she had caused me. How she didn’t know my child. These thoughts of the present mingled with memories, both good and bad ones. She would stay here with this man, forever yielding to him and obey his wishes, but not me. Not anymore.
‘God will punish you, and I will be the one who will first administer you his punishment.’
He moved forward and I felt the urge to step back in fear, but I didn’t. I stood firm. The God he served was not the same God as Auntie Be’s. If one of those gods existed, I wanted to put my hope in Auntie Be’s God. With my eyes closed I called out to him in a silent prayer. I held my faced lifted up to the dark skies while raindrops ran down my cheeks like tears.
‘Stop ignoring me!’
The holy silence was shattered by that pitiful servant. I cherished another moment of silence, still ignoring his words. The rain suddenly stopped and I wiped the last few drops from my face.
‘It’s over, Reverend.’
I turned around and left him standing there. I climbed on board and walked to the forecastle without looking back. I wanted to hold my daughter. For now and forever.
Epilogue
‘Come along now.’ Piet Kannegieter beckoned me and I walked toward him unsteadily.
‘I’ll start the engine and you sit down here.’ He helped me in and immediately picked up a warm woolen blanket, which he wrapped around me.
I reached out my arms and whispered her name. Kannegieter handed Mara to me and I held her close. I pressed my nose to her hair and her neck. I smelled her scent and I thanked God. I held her in my arm and gave her something to drink. It felt so comforting to feel the warm weight of her body against me. I watched intently while she drank and I saw how she closed her eyes and drank greedily, unaware of the world around her. She simply entrusted herself to the safety of my arms.
I had done everything I had set out to do here. Now it was up to Mother to decide what to do next. I could only hope and pray.
While Mara drank hungrily, I stood up carefully and wrapped my cloak around the both of us. I had to go outside, I had to look back one more time. Carefully, so as not to disturb Mara, I climbed up the little steps and stepped onto the deck. Kannegieter was standing at the helm and noticed me immediately. He nodded at me but said nothing.
I passed behind him and held on to the rail on the after deck. All that remained of the village were some blurred outlines. Only one clearly visible building seemed to say farewell to me in the distance. The white steeple of God’s house. I stood there until I couldn’t see anything anymore. Even after that I remained on the after deck for a long time. Mara started to coo and flail her arms about as if she was trying to catch the droplets of water that sprayed about, or the wind, or life?
I was on my way home, with my daughter.
Once more I had traveled many miles and again I was on the train between Arnhem and Velp. This time I was on my own, without a nun to help me. There was a chance that I would have to spend the night in Velp, since I hadn’t had an opportunity to notify Auntie of my arrival time. I wasn’t concerned about it though, I knew I was almost there.
The train slowed down and I started to walk toward the exit. I held on tight until the train had fully stopped. The doors slid open and I was the first passenger on the platform. I immediately walked along the train toward the baggage car. A few men were already busy unloading the baggage and I tapped my feet impatiently while I waited for the baby carriage and my suitcase.
‘Maria!’
I turned and my eyes swept over the crowds.
‘Maria!’
She was here!
‘Auntie Be!’
I started to run forgetting all about my luggage. People made room for me as I ran and we soon reached each other.
‘There you are!’
Auntie grabbed my hands and smiled at me happily.
‘Why are you here today? How did you come here?’
‘I waited for you.’
We still stood facing each other, hands clasped together, yet slightly removed. Then I stepped forward and hugged Auntie.
I was home.
Mara Page 24