by Laurie Loft
“Sebastián.”
“Yes?”
“Sebastián,” Todd repeated, “do you know, when first you spoke your name to me, I wanted to tell you that it was beautiful? But I was tongue-tied.”
“I knew you were. But I didn’t know that’s what you wanted to say.” He paused and then said breathlessly, “Tell me now.”
“Sebastián.” In the darkness, Todd imagined Sebby smiling, and trailed his fingers over Sebby’s face. “Your name is beautiful, and it suits you. If the angels had presented you to me and I’d been given the task of choosing for you an apt appellation, I would have searched and studied and worn myself to tears, and not found anything more perfect than Sebastián.”
A held breath was released. “Oh, Todd. How can you say things like that with a straight face?”
“Because I am sincere.”
In turn, Sebby’s fingers stroked Todd’s face. “Maybe it isn’t straight. I should turn on the lamp.”
“Straight jokes aside, I assure you that my face is straight as a Kansas horizon.” He paused to kiss Sebby’s fingers. “Would you prefer I didn’t say such things?”
“It’s so hard to take you seriously, sometimes. I don’t know if you’re joking, or . . . exaggerating, or . . .”
“A gift for exaggeration is prized among ad men, Sebby.” He repeated the diminutive. “Sebby. Such a suitable sobriquet: Sebby.” He laced their fingers and nuzzled his face and neck. “Sebby.”
Sebby’s breathing quickened. “Stop. Stop saying my name or I’ll die.”
“Now who’s exaggerating?” Going in for a kiss, Todd was taken aback when Sebby moved as neatly as if he had dropped into another dimension, disengaging his hand from Todd’s and sliding across the bed, turning on his side, away, and dragging the blankets with him.
“Stop talking. Um, just, um, leave me alone for a while.”
Todd sat up. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m fine. Leave me alone.” Sebby curled up like a pill bug. Todd could feel the curling up as if all the air in the room were curling up around Sebby in sympathy, leaving Todd nothing to breathe. Todd went over the conversation in his mind. They had been laughing together and sharing a tender moment . . .
“S—” Todd started to say his name and stopped. “Sweetheart, do you want me to go?”
“No,” came the emphatic answer. “Stay here, just leave me alone.”
“I’m . . .” He knew he must have said something hurtful, but he couldn’t for the life of him figure out what it was. “I’m sorry? I didn’t mean to . . .” There were additional curling-up noises. “I’ll leave you alone, if that’s what you want, of course. I’m sorry. I . . . Can I have a blanket?” The bedclothes rustled, and a balled-up blanket hit Todd in the chest. Todd reclined and arranged the covering, berating himself for getting involved with someone when it should be evident that all he was capable of was hurting people. He threw his arm over his face and considered what it might be like to be alone forever, before finally reaching out and gingerly placing a hand on what might be Sebby’s shoulder. Whatever body part it was shrank from the touch.
“¡Chingados! Leave me alone, I mean it.”
Todd lifted his hand. “At least tell me what’s wrong,” he pleaded.
“I just, I can’t talk right now.”
Everyone needed space, but this was clearly a reaction to something he had said or done, and he itched to pull Sebby to himself and make it all better—literally itched as if he’d rolled in poison ivy. He lay back and folded his arms, stuffing his hands into his armpits, biting his lip, rewinding and replaying the conversation.
The silver lining on this cloud of relationship doom was that the present difficulties crowded out the fears the movie had inspired, and it wasn’t long before he slept and slept hard, and he did not awaken when Sebby draped himself on Todd and pulled blankets over the two of them.
“Do you care if I fuck other boys?”
A stone dropped into Todd’s stomach, and his head jerked up as if by counterweight. In Todd’s experience, when someone asked that, it was already too late.
They were eating dinner out on the deck, watching the birds flit to and from the bird feeder. His eyes sought Sebby’s, but Sebby’s were trained with studied indifference on his salad as he nudged aside a crouton and forked greenery into his mouth.
“Is this a hypothetical question?”
“So far.”
Todd pushed salad around on his plate. “I . . . When I’m in a relationship, I tend to be monogamous, but I suppose I needn’t require the same of you.”
Sebby speared a carrot and dipped it in his vinaigrette. “So you don’t care?”
Todd fidgeted. “If you want to sleep with other people, you will, whether I want you to or not.”
“So you don’t want me to?”
“We haven’t made a pact as far as exclusivity; I’ve no right to ask it of you. If you want to see other people, though, I would appreciate a courtesy notification.”
“So it’s okay with you if I do?”
“‘Okay’ being an inaccurate term of description, I would say that I don’t wish to limit you if you desire a greater variety of, ah, recreation . . . but . . .”
“I don’t want to if it’s going to bother you.”
Feeling put on the spot, Todd laid his fork down and ran his hand through his hair. “Bother me . . .? I can live with it; it won’t make me angry. I surmise it would mean that we see less of one another. Also, I doubt that I would see anyone else even if you choose to . . .”
Sebby met his eyes, his expression unreadable. Todd’s own face must have shown his distress, but Sebby dropped his gaze and went back to his salad.
Todd swallowed at nothing. “Do you . . . have someone in mind?”
Sebby shrugged. Todd stared at his salad. He, himself, was not exactly a bohemian. Perhaps Sebby found him dull. “Were you wanting a, you know, a threesome or something?” He dared a glance at Sebby.
“Is that what you want?” Sebby asked, placing an asparagus spear on his tongue.
“No! It’s not what I want.”
Sebby’s head lifted, and his eyebrows arched at Todd’s tone. “What do you want, then?”
“I don’t want you to want anyone else, but if you do, I can adjust, I can accommodate, I—” Sebby’s expression softened, and it struck Todd that Sebby was trying to squeeze some sort of declaration from him. “I don’t want you to be with anyone but me. I could bear it if I had to, but it would like to crush me with sadness.”
“Querido.” Sebby pushed aside his plate and hurried around the table. He eased himself into Todd’s lap and buried his face in Todd’s neck. “I don’t want to crush you.”
Todd laughed in unalloyed relief. “You oughtn’t plop your ample bottom in my lap like that, then,” he said with an exaggerated groan. Sebby swatted at him, and he wrapped his arms around Sebby and pressed his face to Sebby’s hair. “My beautiful one, I want you all to myself.”
The morning of the Fourth, Todd arose early to help get ready for the party. Preparations continued until around ten o’clock when Lloyd gestured to Todd, who followed his brother outside. It was shaping up to be another gorgeous Colorado day, with a baby-blue sky and a hint of a breeze.
“How soon you looking at getting your own place?” Lloyd asked, squinting up at the sun.
Taken by surprise, Todd stammered. “Well, ah, to be honest, I’ve not given it much thought. I’m enjoying staying with you. I don’t know that I—”
Lloyd interrupted. “You got a boyfriend now, and maybe you want a place you can take him.”
“Sebby has a place. I suppose I’ve not felt that I need my own place. Nor had I planned to remain long in Denver.” Todd kicked at a sprouting weed. “I’m sorry. Am I in the way? Have I overstayed my welcome?”
“Not the point. A man your age should have his own place. That’s all. Now, what’s up with your finances? You’re making good money. We aren’t charging you re
nt. You’re socking it away, I hope?”
Here it comes. “Some of it, as much as I’m able. I still have student loans and . . .” He hesitated.
“Yeah? What?”
Fuck. “I’m still paying rent on my New York apartment.” Todd lifted his chin.
Lloyd’s eyebrows made as if to fly right off his face. “But you brought all your stuff! You said you were gonna sublet it. It can’t be that hard to get rid of a place in the . . . whatever part of New York it’s in.”
“The East Village. Ah . . . no, I chose to keep it.”
Lloyd’s cheeks puffed out. He blew out a sigh and gazed into the distance. “It’s sitting there empty? That’s a dumbass thing to do. You’ll be liable if some squatter gets in there.”
Todd ground his teeth and said nothing.
“You don’t still think you’ll go back? If you do, fine, get back there. Get your job back, get a different job, whatever. But you don’t hold on to a high-rent New York apartment for sentimental reasons.”
“High rent? Hardly that.” Todd had shared an apartment with a coworker for several months while searching for a suitable one-bedroom or studio of his own. He had wanted a place where he could feel comfortable bringing Vivian. When he had finally found one, it was going to be a surprise. Todd had planned to christen the place with cupcakes and sex, but then Viv had dumped him . . . “I kept it against the possibility that I might choose to return. It was worth a few months’ rent to preclude having to go apartment hunting all over again.” Todd ripped his hand through his hair and noticed how long it was getting. He was surprised that Lloyd hadn’t mentioned the fact that he needed a haircut. How many times had he heard that from his father over the years? “Get a haircut, you look like a girl. No one’ll hire a damn hippie.”
“Okay. I’ll buy that. But by now you should know what you’re doing. You going back?”
Todd dropped his eyes.
Lloyd rested his hand on Todd’s shoulder. “I’m glad you’re not. That kid was bad news; he messed you up. If you were going back to him, I’d try to talk you out of it. I know it’s hard, but you’re getting along. Huh? And, you know, I like having some family in Denver that isn’t Donna’s family.” He squeezed Todd’s shoulder. “You need help dumping that place?”
“No. I know what to do. And as soon as that’s taken care of, I’ll think about looking for something here.” If I don’t join the Peace Corps.
There followed a flurry of last-minute cooking, cleaning, and setting up of chairs before guests began to arrive. Entrees in hand, Sebby showed up, and Todd introduced him to his family. While Todd hovered, Sebby found places to set his food and went to work helping Donna to arrange and unwrap things, as if he’d grown up in her kitchen.
First chance she found, Donna pulled Todd aside and murmured, “I love him! He’s adorable.”
Todd beamed in flustered pride.
The men gathered around the grill while the women and Sebby worked on arranging and setting up. Todd dithered before joining the men in their cloud of smoke, lighter fluid, and charring meat.
Evening arrived. Someone produced a guitar and began running through Neil Young tunes. Todd was on the point of joining the singer when someone mentioned the 1812 Overture. “With cannons, even. Somehow timed with the fireworks, but it seems like, I dunno, how could they?”
Todd’s head turned. “How could who? Is there an Independence Day performance of the 1812 Overture scheduled?”
“Yeah, downtown. With fireworks. That’s what I was saying: you can’t time fireworks to music, you can’t.”
Todd questioned the speaker and determined that an orchestra would be performing Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture on the lawn of the State Capitol, complete with cannon and accompanying fireworks. It was scheduled to begin at ten that evening. “Sebby, we should go! Would you like to?”
“Of course. I love fireworks.”
“There’s fireworks closer to home,” Lloyd said. “And going downtown’ll be a nightmare. The crowds, the parking.”
Sebby assured them that if anyone knew how to maneuver downtown, he did.
“I think we’ll brave it,” Todd said.
“Take me!” Ryan clutched Todd’s sleeve. “Can I go?”
In the end, Ryan and Todd climbed into the pickup, while Sebby drove his own vehicle, as the fireworks were near his home. Eventually the three of them were seated on a blanket on the capitol lawn. Thousands of people were spread out across the area on blankets or lawn chairs, waving sparklers and American flags, wearing glow sticks around their necks and wrists. Sebby leaned back against Todd, and Ryan leaned against both of them as the music swelled, the cannons boomed, and the fireworks opened overhead like sea anemones. The acrid smell of the pyrotechnic smoke reached them, and they oohed and ahhed with the crowd. Todd stared up at the sky and thought, This is what it’s like to have a family.
As they gathered their things, Ryan bounced around like any kid who’d had too much junk food and stayed up too late. “That was awesome, Uncle Todd and, um, Sebby. That’s the best fireworks I ever seen. The music was, like, so whoa.”
They made their way down the sidewalk as the crowd separated and streamed away into the tributary roads. To keep from being separated, Sebby took Ryan’s hand in his and placed his other hand on Todd’s shoulder. As they drew farther away from the capitol, the crowds thinned and Sebby let go of Ryan and hugged Todd from behind. Impulsively, Todd tossed the blanket to Ryan and reached around behind himself for Sebby. “Hop up.”
Sebby laughed, put his hands on Todd’s shoulders, and vaulted onto his back, winding his arms around Todd’s neck and giggling as Todd grabbed his legs and staggered. Ryan shouted with laughter and shoved at the two of them with his blanketed arms. “You’re gonna fall over!”
“Ryan, dooon’t,” Sebby wailed. Todd ran a few steps and regained his balance, Sebby shrieking the while.
“Isn’t he heavy, Uncle Todd?”
“Incredibly so,” Todd groaned.
Sebby swatted at Todd.
“Look at the little faggots!”
The voice was just another noise in the crowd, and the words might not have even registered with Todd, but he felt Sebby tense. Sebby patted Todd and said into his ear, “Todd, let me down.” Todd let go and turned to see who had spoken.
“Hey, little faggots! That your faggot-in-training?”
The street was well lit, and Todd spotted the offender among a group of clean-cut college boys, who ought to have been making Faulkner jokes in the library rather than faggot jokes on the street. None of them looked as though he would survive a good jab to the nose. Sebby drew Ryan under his arm. “Just walk away. We’ll lose them in the crowd, come on.”
Todd stayed where he was. “My boyfriend and I are indeed fags, and one might with accuracy apply the word ‘little’ to any of us. However, your last comment requires an apology, and this I demand.”
That set some of the college boys to laughing, though a dark-haired one spoke up from the back of the group. “Sorry. He didn’t mean anything.”
“The hell I didn’t!” A boy with shining blond hair grinned at Todd.
“Shut it, Josh.” The dark-haired one smacked the insulter in the back of his head, and the insulter turned and shoved him. The dark-haired boy held his hands up. “Whoa, chill.”
“Todd, come on.” Sebby tugged on Todd’s elbow, and Todd acquiesced. They walked quickly, but the voice came from behind them again.
“Woo woo! You need a fucking straw to go with that shake!”
Todd’s stomach ground on itself as if he had swallowed stones. He would have halted, but Sebby’s grip pulled him along. “Ignore it, just ignore it, just ignore it.” Sebby quickened the pace, and the three of them threaded their way through various couples and families, Sebby repeating the words like a mantra: Just ignore it, just ignore it, just ignore it . . .
“Hey, kid, you better come with us if you want to stay virga intacta. Unless it’s too late.
They fuck ’em young.”
Todd shook Sebby off. “You two go on ahead.” Sebby made a small sound of protest, but Todd turned to face the gaggle of well-fed college boys. “I am in awe of your misuse of Latin. You are a discredit to your institution of higher learning. On behalf of my nephew, who is too young to defend himself, I must insist that you apologize.”
“You’re defending your nephew?” The blond one snorted and called after Sebby and Ryan. “Kid, I recommend you sleep with both hands over your ass.”
Rage swelled, crowding rational judgment back into a small and ignored spot in Todd’s mind. That Ryan should be made to hear such a thing! “Much as I dislike fisticuffs, I’m willing to thrash you if you refuse to apologize.” Todd was ready to get his head punched, though he thought he could give a good accounting of himself, enough that the young man might think twice before harassing gays in the future.
The dark-haired boy put a restraining hand on his friend’s arm. “He takes it back. Josh, drop it. There’s cops everywhere just looking out for this kind of shit.”
“Let ’em look. They’ll probably join in.” He moved closer and loomed over Todd, who dropped into a boxing stance. That set the group to laughing again. Passersby gave the scene a wide berth.
“Todd.” Sebby’s sharp cry rang out. “Get over here. Now. That’s an order.”
“Yeah, Todd, your wife’s calling you. He doesn’t want your pretty face messed up.”
“If you don’t get over here, I’m leaving and taking Ryan home!” Sebby’s voice was barely on the right side of panic.
Todd hesitated. He straightened up. His fists itched for contact with the creep’s jaw, but the thought of Sebby explaining Todd’s whereabouts to Lloyd and Donna, and the brouhaha that would result, made up his mind. He locked eyes with the insulter. Josh, he remembered. He smiled and took two careful steps backward.
“I’m afraid I must take my leave, Joshua. But I stress: never confuse a homosexual with a pedophile. I love my nephew and would never harm him or allow another to do so. And thus I require an apology.”